As all of you geniuses may have noticed, the story is taking QUITE the fucking turn I must say and it wasn't even my intention to make it turn out like this
all I wanted to do was make one normal crappy first-fanfiction-ever but apparently…I'm outdoing myself
"mmm" naruto felt a tingle on his cheek
"hey….g..up"
"uhh?"
"I SAID GET THE FUCK UP MOTHERFUCKER"
the tingles naruto felt on his cheek turned out to be slow slaps until someone kicked him awake
"whoah…where am i?" naruto got up and rubbed his eyes
"don't freak out" the voice commanded
"eh?" naruto looked around and all he could see was void and darkness
"where in orochimaru's ass am i?"
"listen to me naruto
I don't have much time but I'm gonna show you as much as I possibly can
the rest you can ask from her"
"huh?" naruto looked around and behind him, a little red haired girl was sleeping…or unconscious…no way to tell
naruto found it cute how her long red hair fell on her white short yukata
"who's that?
and why am I here?
who are you?"
"just…look"
the void around naruto began to get brighter and naruto held the girl up in his arms for protection
the light grew brighter until naruto couldn't see anymore
"MOMMY" a little boy screamed and naruto's eyes snapped open
the girl wasn't in his arms anymore and he was transparent
he was in a big room…more like a hut
he looked for the source of the voice and saw a little boy running
"NO
DON'T COME HERE
RUN AWAY"
a red haired woman from the other side of the room screamed
she was being dragged by men in jounin vests
'wait…I know those vests…konoha?' naruto couldn't believe his eyes
"LET HER GO"
"beat it kid" one of the men dragging her away kicked him in the ribs and cracking sounds could be heard as he flew away
"NOOO
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"shut up" the other one slapped her and dragged her out of the hut
as she was moved away, naruto felt like he was being pulled along with her until he was outside
'what the…dad?'
the sky was pitch black…no stars…no moon…just a group of ninjas, with a blonde in the midst of them and a red haired woman being dragged away
"hey stupid voice that kicked me in the face
why am I seeing this?"
"so you can see how awesome your goody little two shoes family and village is"
"is it her?" minato asked sternly
"hai hokage-sama" they bowed and threw her in front of minato
"please…don't do it
we've done nothing wrong"
"none of my concern
this is an s-rank mission to kill a certain family of iwa
now….prepare yourself"
minato drew his blade
'what the...holy shit…' naruto felt sick
"mo..mmy" the little boy had dragged himself to the door and was crying but not from the pain
the red haired woman got on her knees and looked at her child
all she could do was make a smile and wink at her beaten child
for a moment, he thought everything's going to be okay…but alas
the boy's eyes lost their shine as he saw his mother's head fly
the long strains of red hair flew in the wind as her limp body fell with a dull thud
"this…this isn't real…this can't be"
"oh but it is…"
the boy got up and walked back into the house, not even caring about the broken bones inside his chest
"hmm… let's just get outta here…I need my ramen"
the group started walking away
naruto wanted to check on the boy
he walked back into the hut and saw a hole in the wooden floor
"eh?"
he walked down the secret stairs and couldn't see shit if not for the bright blue flame emanating from the boy's right arm
"what dafuq?
stupid voice
what is that?"
"sigh…I'm not stupid and you'll soon find out so shut the fuck up"
as the long stairs ended, naruto and the child reached a hall but the light wasn't enough and naruto couldn't see anything but a radius around the kid
the boy lifted his arm and gripped his fist
the flame grew stronger and naruto could finally see
it was an archive room
similar to his but this one was smaller
the kid started drawing on the floor
"OH HELL NO
isn't that kid a little too weak to be drawing storage seals?"
"hmm…not really
he's ten
and when you were ten, I believe you were at least high chuunin"
"yeah…hehe…wait…how do you know?"
"I know a lot of shit kid so just look"
the boy finished his painting
he stood a meter back from the seal and held a handsign naruto hadn't seen before
"….seal" the boy spoke with a broken voice
all the papers and scrolls flew toward the seal as if it had a gravity of its own
after all the archives were sucked into the seal, a paper appeared on the floor
the boy took the paper and walked back up the stairs
"stupid voice…who is that kid?...and what was my dad doing here?"
"guh…"
again, a bright light blocked naruto's vision but he didn't care
he was too stunned by his father's dark past
"awww
you're shocked to the balls
how cute"
"….why are you showing me this?"
naruto felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around
he saw something like derp's twin brother but this guy didn't wear glasses and had cut his hair short
"this is the last and most important part so you MIGHT wanna see this"
naruto turned around
he saw the boy walking through the forests
he had grown taller and his hair was longer
the boy was walking in the forests until he reached a clearing
once there, he sat down and opened the satchel he was carrying
he took out a map and tried to figure out what to do next
"I can help if you want"
naruto's head turned to the origin of the voice and saw derp's twin guy leaning on a tree
"…" the boy ignored it
"the name's derp…wanna be friends?"
"…" he put the map back in his satchel and started walking again
"…I knew your father"
he halted and turned his head
"so?"
"…and your mom"
"mom and dad helped a lot of people from the village so many people know them"
"and I know where the person you search for is"
"like I give a shit"
he started walking again
"that map you found in your mom's closet is a trap for other stupid ninja
haven't you noticed how obvious it is?"
"I'll take my chances"
"look kid" derp pinned him to a tree and lifted him off the ground
"you're making this way too hard for me so just come with me and my debt with your father will be OVER"
"cough…and if I come?"
"I'll train you as I promised your dad"
derp's mouth opened but naruto couldn't hear anything anymore
"yo creep
what dafuq?
it was getting good" naruto threw his popcorn and got up
"WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT?
I mean….that's all I can show you about the child…the rest is in a movie chip I've placed in her pocket
he still searches for his sister which I just gave you so-"
"WAIT
if he has a grudge against my dad and konoha, why is he doing all of this?"
"all of what?"
"he has helped me control half of the world"
"whoah…well…you know what they say
the bigger they are the harder they fall
he must want to give you everything and then, take it all away from you just like your dad did
toodles"
"HEY…"
BZZZZZZ
the buzzing sound made naruto fall and grab his head
SOME TIME LATER
Naruto felt the same tingle but on his nose
he also felt like something heavy was on his chest
"eh?"
"do you know where my onii-chan is?"
the red haired little girl from naruto's trip was on his chest
"…." Naruto didn't know what to do
the little girl waved her hand and tilted her head
"you okay mister?"
"yes…I think"
'KID'
'KURAMA
DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT?'
'see what?
after we got sucked into the black hole…everything went dark and void for me'
"so do you know where onii-chan is?"
naruto got up and carried the little girl
"we need to go…and get you to a woman
I don't communicate with kids"
SLAP
"onii-san always carried me on his back"
"I'M NOT YOUR ONII-SAN AND WHY DID YOU SLAP ME?"
'uh-oh…NEVER SHOUT AT A FUCKING KID GAKI…she's gonna blow'
"hhuu…..UWAAAAHHH" the girl started crying and naruto started running to the hospital to find tsunade
KONOHA
"is he okay?" itachi asked the doctor
"yes…he seems to be in a coma of some sort
there's a chakra in his body that's not his…I think that's the source
he needs to fight it himself"
"I see….thank you doctor"
"GRRRRR" derp gritted his teeth and started trembling
"DERP
I'm here
calm down"
"G…GRR…SASUKE…ERGH" and derp lost consciousness again
"…..i hate you
even in your deathbed, you give missions"
itachi punched derp's unconscious body
"ITS CUZZ I'VE BEEN WORKING MY LIFE FOR THIS" a transparent derp spoke from the hokage's table but itachi didn't seem to hear it
"so…how long am I gonna be here again?"
"well…" derp's twin appeared
"since I've been informed that you used my name for your disguise and even my looks and not to mention that breakthrough right now…I'd say…an hour"
"fuck….do you have cards?"
"sure"
SWIRL
"awww…did mean old naruto yell at you?
you poor thing" tsunade petted the red haired girl and kissed her cheeks
"yesh auntie...he even said onii-san isn't here anymore"
a beaten-to-death naruto groaned on the floor
"so what's your name cutie?" she fondled her cheeks
"marylin
and onii-san won't be happy to see you do that auntie
he said my cheeks only belong to him"
"I'm sure he can share sweety
now give auntie a hug" tsunade opened her arms
"auntie's boobies are big" she giggled as she nearly suffocated
"UUOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW you're so cuuuuuute"
"SIR…whoah…you okay naruto?" a swirl anbu appeared
"y…yeah..waddya want?"
"I think you should come to the gates"
SWIRL GATES…the upgraded ones…you know…with flaming swirls and graffiti all over it
"what in fuck's name?" naruto couldn't believe his eyes
sakura, ino, haku, ayame and teuchi, shizune and tenten were being escorted by some men in red cloaks
"akatsuki?"
naruto walked toward the group
"we come in peace" hidan showed his middle finger
"I don't think that's how it goes but…okay" naruto nodded
"takes these guys
derp said they're yours and…we're out" all of them disappeared except pain
"…err…zetsu"
"sorry dude"
a white zetsu grabbed his feet and pulled him
"…apologies for the shitty outro…and nice gates"
"not a prob
happens to me all the time on missions…and thanks"
naruto turned to the group of friends he just got back
"….i'm gonna be busy tonight" he grinned
he was turned into a pin cushion by haku
"ahhh the nostalgy…FUCKAAAAAAAAAAAH"
BACK IN KONOHA
"got any…jacks?"
"FUCK" derp lost again
"well time to go back...you know what'll happen from here on out right?"
"yeah yeah
you said the only time we'd meet again was when you've let go of marylin right?
well…I'mma go find her" he cracked his knuckles
"oh and the reason we all win every time…we see your hand from the reflection on your glasses"
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" derp reached for…the original derp but found himself in bed, sweating cold beads of water
"pant…pant…I need a shower" derp…this one…with the glasses I mean, smiled as he got off his bed and went into the shower
SWIRL
Tsunade was searching all of swirl for naruto
his house, the beach, the hotsprings…where she beat jiraya again…everywhere
she finally decided to go to the hokage's room
once she got there, she noticed a lack of an assistant named tayuya behind the table
"guh…gimme a break"
she slammed the doors down and gawked
tenten and ino and tayuya were naked with a silly look on their faces on naruto's couch and naruto was currently pleasing haku
"NARUTO"
"KYAAA" haku tried covering herself but oh well
she forgot that when naruto continued drilling her
"I'm…in the middle….of a meeting"
"I can see that but what about…oh god…are they leaking rivers?"
"yeah…kyu's….kinda…helping me with that…GRRR"
KONOHA
"yo"
"derp-sama…what happened to the coat?"
derp was wearing a black sleeveless shirt with red claw marks on it and black pants and his blade was strapped to his back
"meh…thought it's time for a change"
'you bet…oh god…I didn't notice how toned he was with that coat on…I wanna jump him right now'
derp jumped out the window
"DERP WAIT"
KONOHA GATES
"DERP SAMA"
"…moe?"
he turned around to see a panting konan
"couldn't you hear me?"
he took off his teats headband
"yes I could but I just decided to ignore you"
"…umm…it kinda gets hard to understand derp-sama's sarcasm but…anyways
where are you going?"
"I'm going to get laid"
"WHAT?
WITH WHO?"
derp facepalmed
"oh…right…sorry"
"I'm going out on my missions ko-chan"
"oh…good luck then" she looked down, kinda embarrassed at her stupid question
he petted her head and shuffled her short onyx hair
"meh
thanks for caring"
derp put his teats headphone back on and started running
'derp-sama…wait…what did I want to tell him again?'
SWIRL
Naruto was walking on the village beach after a night's good work
he sighed as he sat down on the beach
he walked down the memory lane on his mind
from the point where he left the village…to the point where he built his own village…saving all of those poor slaves who had zero hope in their lives
he also enjoyed his visits to gaara's village…for other feminine reasons
zabuza was where he wanted, an anbu trainer
tsunade had her own hospital
neji was now married (lucky son of a bitch) and hiashi was busy as always
half of the day as the swirl's advisor and the other half, playing with his grandson
neji had named his child hizashi and he was a spitting image of him since naruto had removed the seal on neji's forehead…with kurama's help of course
hanabi was training for her jounin exam and was every swirl ninja's role model
hinata helped tsunade…and naruto on occasions
jiraya…well…naruto lost track of the fucker since the hotsprings were rebuilt but surprisingly enough, his books didn't stop their production
ayame and teuchi were given a big restaurant in swirl for their beloved services
ino and sakura were assigned to help tsunade and haku would help zabuza
tenten built a forge in swirl and now, naruto didn't have to get their weapons from trades and were self-sufficient on that point
"YAY"
the words punched naruto out of his stupor
he looked to his right and saw marylin playing on the beach
and guess who was with her
the person who was bugging naruto's mind since she entered the village
marylin ran to her arms as she noticed naruto walking toward her
"naruto, don't scare her"
"it's not my fault
besides
she's the one who slapped me"
"bleh" marylin showed her tongue
naruto's veins popped out and throbbed
'you wouldn't harm a child now would you gaki?'
'that's not a kid
that's a demon from hell, here to torture me
my gut still hurt from tsunade's pounding'
"don't be rude to now marylin"
"mister?
what happened to naruto-baka?"
sakura giggled at that
"er…I apologize for that naruto
I was kind of a….bitch back then I admit"
"KINDA?" naruto stared at her with wide eyes
"well…a lot I guess"
"no shit…" naruto plopped himself back on the cool beach and stared at the cloud filled sky
"so…how's konoha?"
"well…"
she sat down next to naruto and let go of marylin so she could play with the sand
"before we came here…I heard someone killed danzo and took his place
they say he controls all of the other nations that you don't have"
'wuh?'
'she means this DUDE controls iwa, sound, konoh-'
'I know bro
I ain't stupid'
"so…who is this guy?
sasuke?"
sakura's tone changed into a sadder one
"no…"
"ah shit…sorry
I forgot you still want him back
tell ya what"
naruto sat up and put his old good-guy grin back on
"as the shodaime uzukage, I'll personally look for him"
sakura's tears of joy started falling from his cheek
"th..thank you naruto"
SLAP
"mister
why did you make onee-chan cry?"
"STO-….stop doing that my dear" naruto held back an odama rasengan
'…I think I'll take her as my second pupil'
'shut up'
"so…who is this guy again?"
"well…he calls himself derp"
the world seemed to crash on naruto's head
"say whut?" naruto asked with a stupid look on his face
"NARUTO" tsunade screamed
"there you are
I wanted to tell you something but…your meeting kinda…
anyway
derp-"
"controls the other half of the world"
"err…yeah
that came in yesterday
I just read it before burning it"
"WHAT?
IT CAME IN YESTERDAY AND I DIDN'T NOTICE?"
"err…it's kinda the kage's JOB to read all the papers and sign them"
"…" naruto tried remembering what he did as the uzukage but all he could remember was tayuya's head going up and down…plus the gagging noises
'kyuu…what the fuck do you think is going on?'
'beats the fuck outta me
why don't we ask him after he splits us and I get back to the daycare?'
"…hmm
thanks ka-chan
sakura…darling dearest" naruto petted the red haired devil
"I'll walk you home"
"and me?" tsunade crossed her arms
"I doubt anyone would wanna harass you, shodaime uzukage's ka-chan" naruto grinned and winked
"yeah I guess so" tsunade sheepishly grinned
"nighto"
SAKURA'S APARTMENT
"thanks naruto
say thanks marylin"
"much gratitude and appreciation shodaime uzukage-sama"
naruto wanted to rip his heart out and give it to the brat
the way she bowed as she said that was just too adorable
'ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOAR
I'M GONNA MAKE HER THE BEST NINJA THAT EVER WALKED THE PLANET'
'aherm'
'oh…sorry
EVEN STRONGER THAN THIS LITTLE SHIT WHO ONLY KNOWS HOW TO RIDE'EM'
"thank you princess" naruto also bowed
"nighto sakura-chan"
naruto started walking away from the balcony
"naruto…kun…did you mean it?"
naruto didn't stop walking
"it's the promise of a lifetime motherfu….err…daddy's gurl" he raised a thumb
'aren't you forgetting something?'
'eh?'
'you know…in the girl's pocket'
'oh…right…I already snatched it when I was carrying her
let's go watch it'
COUNTRY OF IWA – GRASSLANDS
Derp walked toward the only hut in the grassland
it wasn't actually all that hard to miss with its black and grey color in the grasses
derp carefully opened the old door as not to break it
"…I'm home" he croacked with a low voice, like he had a lump in his throat
as he closed the door behind him, the lack of moon's shine made the room pitch black
he lifted his arm and a blue flame flickered in his hand
his eyes were in their ultimate form
he reached for the sole bed he and his mom shared in this hut and picked a few strands of red hair and smelled them
"missed me mom?
I have good news you know…marylin's back in the world"
he sat on the bed and grimaced as it creaked
"sorry about that
well…any ideas on how I'm supposed to find her?"
derp continued his chatter with…his mom, not noticing a smirking figure outside the hut
"this is too fun to-"
"sasori?"
the figure stiffened
the red headed puppet master looked up and if his body had nerves, he'd be shivering
"ah derp-sama-"
"dafuq do you think you're doing here?"
"ehehehe…err….surprise?"
sasori snapped his fingers and pain, hidan and deidara appeared over the hills
"…is it my birth-day?"
"no…just call it…a coup de'tat" sasori jumped back
derp politely waited for all of them to line up
"erm…so am I being overthrown now?" derp jumped off the roof of the hut
"sadly, yes
we had good times but ya see…you're just not cutting it
no thrill, no killings, no rape" hidan groaned
"okay well…come at me if u will"
derp drew his blade and threw the sheath away
"just don't scratch the hut ple-"
"SHINRA TENSEI"
pain shouted as he slammed derp to the ground with his jutsu on full power and due to the large scale of his power, the hut was crushed to dust…along with half of the grasses in the grassland
"what was that?
I couldn't hear you with all my godly power floating about" all of akatsuki let their chakra loose
derp slowly got up from his crack in the ground
"what….have you…done?" derp's chakra and killer intent were unleashed on full force
"I always knew you weren't human…moe" deidara smirked
"you'll pay…for what you've done…I promise"
derp grinned like a madman and dashed forward
"AS PLANNED" pain shouted
"GRRR" derp growled as he dashed forward and kicked sasori in the guts, his foot sticking out the other side of the mechanical zombie
"kh…got ya now" sasori held derp's foot
"did you now?" derp grinned
"eh?"
sasori took one last look at derp's foot beforehis foot was set on fire and soon, the flames entangled and burnt sasori as well
"DO SOMETHING BITCHES" sasori screamed in his last moments
"FUCKING DIE MOTHERFUCKER" hidan slashed at derp and his scythe tore through his back and stuck out of his chest
"fuck you" derp showed his middle finger and grinned with a blood filled mouth and exploded
sasori was done for since he was turned to ashes and dust
hidan on the other hand had severe burn marks all over him
"FUCKING FAGGOT"
"what was that?" derp shoved his yamato through hidan's neck
"kh…khuckin…khag-" hidan tried to speak with a ruined throat but derp saved the trouble and cut his head off
"I'M NOT DEAD YET"
"but you wish you were right?"
"huh?"
derp set fire to his foot again and kicked hidan's head with all he had, causing the skull to break and the head to burn as it flew away
"GRAHAHAHA" derp adjusted his glasses
"damn I should join konoha's soccer team"
"ready?" pain crouched
deidara threw his cloak away to show a stitched chest
"TIME TO SHOW YOU THE BEAUTY OF ART DERP-SAMA"
"er….actually…put the cloak back on-"
"KATSU"
"SHINRA TENSEI"
"idiots" derp sighed
the explosion was second only to a bijuu-dama
the scale was enormous and destroyed half of the grasslands of iwa
pain used a strong version of the shinra tensei just to stand his ground and not get blown to pieces
"huh…..huh…." pain was raggedly breathing
in front of him was a sea of fire
but what made him stop breathing was the giant white wolf where derp stood
"like my pet motherfucker?" derp showed his magic finger
"holy…shit…" pain took once last look at the animal's elegant white fur…which turned out to be searing flames when it's claws tore him in half
"ah shit…well…at least I have the other half of the team…I think"
"erm…derp-sama….you're kinda naked"
"eh?" derp turned around to see sasori with his army of puppets
'was that a clone?...wait what?'
"I'm what?" he looked at himself
his shirt was long gone and what remained of his pants only helped cover his manhood and ass
"shit…oh well"
derp pointed the tip of his blade at the puppet army
the wolf's blue eyes turned red and the tomoe on derp's eyes started spinning madly
"GIGA CANNON WITH ME ARASHI" derp roared and the wolf opened his mouth
at the tip of derp's blade and in front of arashi's mouth, a blue orb appeared
"don't think I'm going down without a fight….KILL THEM BOTH"
the army of puppets flew toward derp and his summon, filling the starry sky
"FIRE"
RAIGAKURE
"call raikage sama here NOW" the ninja ordered his inferior
a sphere in the middle of the black room was bubbling and the tip was sticking out like a triangle
"what is it?" A (the raikage) asked the scout officer
"sir…it's the iwa sphere"
"sweet merciful crap...is it a bijuu on the rampage?"
"I don't think so sir…but I think we should let mizukage and uzukage-sama know about this"
"good point…keep looking into it boys"
IWA
"yeesh…I should probably shave myself down there…gimme a ride home buddy?"
the wolf disappeared in a white smoke
"yeah I love you too motherfucker…tch…I'll just…fuck…I don't even have enough chakra to teleport myself all the way to konoha"
naked derp started walking back home (oh the irony) through the forest but took one last glance at the chasm
"goodbye mommy…" and he started tree jumping
NARUTO'S ROOM
Naruto inserted the chip into the TV and sat down on the couch
"bzzzzzz….is it working?" a male voice started speaking
"okay look"
naruto sweatdropped
the screen was only showing the man's feet
"I don't have much time
I don't know who you are but…somehow
I've managed to reach my chakra into your system when you came into contact with him"
'hmm…could it be that time he sealed kurama into me?'
"look…my son…who calls himself derp and looks like me is looking for his sister because…"
the camera turned up and showed the scene in iwa where derp's mom was beheaded
"he wants to use her and resurrect his mother"
"WHAT?
the guy loves kids" naruto talked to himself
"the reason we were hunted is because...i killed shodaime hokage's wife
it was a mission and I didn't mean to but…sigh…they found our identity
we've been trying to lay low ever since but…anyways
please
save my daughter from that…creature's evil hands…I beg of you…bzzzz"
the movie finished
"…." Naruto was off in his own dimension
'well…to be frank, if you want to be the greatest ever, you need to control all of the elemental nations and the only obstacle left is derp so….naruto?'
"i…I can't do it"
'douche bag SAYS WHAT?'
"don't you remember?
the times we spent training together"
'oh yeah…'
FLASHBACK TO WHEN NARUTO WAS STILL IN KONOHA AND WAS TRAINING WITH DERP
"tch…get up
I haven't even gone all out on you"
naruto crawled out of his crack in the ground and groaned
"whuuut?
but I was going all out and-"
"insufficient
you WILL rise to be the greatest ever, will you not uzumaki?"
derp sheathed his yamato
"because if you're gonna be weak as fuck…you won't be able to protect ANYONE precious to you"
naruto gripped his fists at that
the thought of his friends getting hurt and him not being able to do anything was mentally excruciating for him
"heh…did I make you mad?
THEN GET UP"
the two clashed with their blades yet again
FLASHBACK END
"no wonder...he must've known how it felt"
'yeah…you were in tip top shape before with me and derp's help
when was the last time you trained to the death?'
'holy shit…from the time I entered uzugakure…I haven't done shit but get laid'
kurama pawpalmed
'well…better get your shit together then gaki
and call the other kages over too
they should be able to help you get back in shape'
'shit…DAMMIT
when did I lose sight of my goals?'
naruto gripped his fists and wanted to fuck himself to death
"THAT'S IT
I SWEAR ON MY UZUMAKI BLOOD I'LL KILL THAT FUCKER IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO"
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT GAKI…now go to konoha and ask him to separate us bro"
"okay"
naruto jumped out of his window
'what do you think you're doing?'
"err..going to konoha?"
'idiot…you really have lost it
don't you remember the seal you carved into the training ground for instant teleportation?
you can go there and back to the seal in the archive room anytime you want'
"kura…fuck me to death after you're released kay bro?"
'don't worry
I'll fuck you in training so hard you'll cry for mommy'
KONOHA – TRAINING GROUNDS
"ahh…nostalgia" naruto took a deep breath and relaxed his nerves
he began walking toward his home village
A FEW MILES AWAY FROM KONOHA
"pant…I should be able to jump from here….ngghh"
VOOM
HOKAGE'S ROOM
"guh…fuck me"
"err"
derp turned around to see itachi sitting on the table
"…actually…I'd prefer if I didn't derp-sama"
"…you have five seconds to explain what you're doing here"
"I did as commanded
I convinced sasuke to come back to konoha with me"
"so?
where is he?"
"out with kisame"
"…" derp grimaced
"he's showing him around the village"
derp's face looked like he was going to puke
"….derp-sama"
"….get out…now"
ATOP THE HOKAGE MONUMENTS
"yooo…derp put his face on the mountain?"
naruto facepalmed
for once, naruto noticed how handsome derp is
the frame of his cheeks and brows and the size of his nose
and the glasses were completely in sync with his face
"guh…I should have my face carved into somewhere too…"
he jumped off the mountain and aimed for the roof of the mansion
HOKAGE'S ROOM
Derp finished putting his good old attire back on with his cherished blue coat
"thank god I didn't take you with me
...eh?"
derp looked up
CRASH
naruto crashed through the roof and landed on the kage table
"…is it my birth-day?"
"could you separate me and kurama now?"
derp scratched his head
"what's the rush?
I thought you'd love his help with all your….mistresses"
"yeah but he's been bugging me lately
I can't concentrate at all"
"well…okay
get down from the table first though"
naruto got down and derp put a black glove on his right hand
"I see you've been doing your job as the uzukage and read the papers naruto"
"of course
would've appreciated if you told me about your plans though"
"ready?" derp's hand glowed blood red
"wait wait"
naruto took a deep breath and scratched his long hair and moved his bangs away from his forehead and blinked a few times
"derp…be gentle"
"okay okay…this is gonna hurt way more than last time though"
"but it didn't hurt at all last time"
"exactly"
naruto closed his eyes and derp reached back
(I suggest you imagine this part in slow-motion dear readers…cuzz it's kinda naru bashing…literally)
derp swiftly landed his blood red punch into naruto's face
naruto felt like he was going to die
he felt his body literally split in half and wanted to cry from the pain
as derp pushed his fist further into naruto's face, naruto's feet flew off the ground and a second later, naruto flew out of the windows, with a red haired man following suit shortly
"damn…always wanted to do that"
KONOHA SHOPPING DISTRICT
"gaki"
kurama kicked naruto in the stomach
"GUH…awww…I wanna cry"
"just teleport us back will ya?"
"fine…"
naruto slowly and painfully got up and put his hand on kurama's shoulder
he held his index and magic finger up with his other hand and concentrated chakra
"dobe?"
but alas
as soon as naruto wanted to turn his head, he was already in the archive room
"….did you hear that too?"
"all I heard was more training for you brat"
apologies for the late updates dear readers
kinda busy with studies and all
plus it's getting harder from here on out because i'm thinking of my second fanfiction which will be original and not related to any anime or movie...that i've seen