Link's Windwaker Adventure!
A/N: I own everything except Zelda.
Chapter 1:
It was a clear, sunny day on the island of Outset. A little girl with blonde hair emerged from a small house at the far end of the island and breathed in the ocean air before running off to find her brother.
"Big Brother?" she called, "BIG BROTHER!"
Yet, her brother was nowhere in sight.
"Where the fuck are you, ya lousy prick?"
The girl, Aryll, ran the length of the beach before arriving at a watchtower, which she quickly climbed. In the centre of the platform at the very top, lay her brother, Link, who was wearing nothing but dirty boxers and was surrounded by smashed beer cans.
"Aw, Big Brother!" said Aryll, "The fuck is all this shit?"
Link slowly awoke and rubbed his messy blonde hair as he looked around.
"Where am I?" asked Link, "What day is it? God, I'm so fucking hungover."
"Well," said Aryll, "If you hadn't stayed up all night drinking, then you would have known that today is your birthday!"
"Oh, right," said Link, "That's why I got hammered last night. I was depressed about turning twelve."
"Why?"
"'Cause, Sis, I'm getting old...Responsibilities and shit. Plus, it means I have to wear that gay outfit."
"Speaking of which..."
Aryll pulled out a bunch of dirty green tights.
"Put these on," ordered Aryll.
"Couldn't Grandma at least have ironed them or something?"
"Just put the fucking clothes on and get this shit over with!"
"Easy for you to say," muttered Link, "You're a girl! You don't have to do any of this crap."
"What are you talking about?" said Aryll, "When I come of age, they're gonna staple my vagina shut."
Link stripped naked (Not caring in the slightest that his little sister was right in front of him) and put the Hero's clothes on.
"They smell like barf and they're a size too small," moaned Link, "And it's way too fucking hot to wear 'em."
"Yeah, yeah," said Aryll, "Now, Big Brother, I have another surprise for you. Hold out your hands and close your eyes!"
Link did as he was told.
"SURPRISE!"
Link looked down at his hands and saw a red tubular shaped object lying in them.
"The hell is this?" asked Link, "One of your vibrators?"
"No, you fucking dumbass," said Aryll, "It's a telescope! So that you can look at things from far away."
"Nice," said Link, "Meaning I can use it to watch Sue-Belle undress in her house every night!"
"That's why," began Aryll, "You're only keeping it for today."
Link scoffed.
"Give it a shot," Aryll said, "Check out the red postbox!"
Link glanced through the telescope and examined the red postbox near Grandma's house. A tall bird-like creature wearing a pink dress and blonde wig was standing next to it.
"Hey," said Aryll, "It's Quill, the transvestite postman! Looks like he's delivering the mail."
"You mean she's delivering the mail," quipped Link.
"I wonder what's gotten into him," Aryll observed, "Why's he so anxious?"
"Beats the hell outta me," said Link.
"OH MY GOD! LOOK UP IN THE SKY!"
Link immediately pointed his telescope up. In the skies above Outset, he saw a monstrous bird carrying a young girl in its claws. Down below, in the water, a pirate's galleon approached Outset's shore while launching boulders at the bird using a catapult. One of the boulders struck the bird, and as it plummeted to the sea, it dropped the girl into the forest atop Outset Mountain.
"Wicked!" said Link, "Now that was cool!"
"That wasn't cool," snapped Aryll, "Link, we have to save her! And by 'we', I mean 'you'."
"Why me? I'm a fucking child! Literally anyone else on this island is more qualified than me!"
"Nah, they're all lazy. Just talk to Orca before you go and see if he can give you some kind of weapon to defend yourself."
"Now we're talkin'!"
Link dropped down the watchtower and headed towards Orca's house. Along the way, he encountered several familiar faces, including Mesa, who was perpetually cutting his grass, Sue-Belle, the jar-carrying wench, and the Sturgeon, who lived above Orca and would occasionally step outside to harass passerby's.
"Oy, Link!" yelled Sturgeon, as Link approached the house, "I'm gonna kill you!"
"Fuck off, old man," snapped Link.
"You can't run, boy, I know where you live!"
"Kiss my green ass!"
Link then entered Orca's house, where he found the old man sitting in the middle of the room, meditating.
"Orca?" said Link.
No response.
"HELLO?"
Link then stomped on Orca's balls.
"AAAYAAAH!" yelled Orca, "Oh, Link! How nice of you to drop by! May I offer you some candy?"
"No time," said Link, "You gotta teach me the ways of the sword in like, five minutes."
"No can do," said Orca, "Unless..."
Link sighed and pulled a small bag of grass from his pocket.
"Heheh," Orca chuckled, "Now you're speakin' my language! Here's your sword, boy. Keep it safe with you. Now, for the first lesson..."
Orca handed Link a small training sword and for the next grueling five minutes, they trained tirelessly together.
"Thank you, Sensei," said Link, bowing.
"My name's Orca," said Orca.
Link rolled his eyes.
"Young Link," Orca began, "Before I send you off on your quest, I just want you to know that if you ever need help I am there for you. I know how hard it can be growing up without a father, but I feel as though I have done a splendid job as your role model."
"Hm, let's see," began Link, "A pot-addicted hippie who gives out swords on a whim to young boys, no questions asked, and who's brother keeps threatening to kill me. Yeah, you're about as good a role model as I'll ever get."
"Sorry, boy," said Orca, "I wasn't listenin'. Come again?"
Link sighed and walked out the door, then headed up the path leading up the mountain.
After reaching the forest, Link moved slowly through the trees and tall grass while carefully observing his surroundings.
"Interesting," said Link, "This place looks a lot larger on the inside than it did on the outside."
As Link moved forward, he saw the small girl hanging from a tree by her little pink panties.
"Hot," said Link.
However, the tree she hung from was guarded by two imp-like creatures called Bokoblins.
"Okay," said Link, "Time to take out the trash."
Link charged towards the two creatures and violently slashed one of them down before approaching the other.
"Come on, motherfucker," said Link, "You wanna mess, huh?"
The Bokoblin opened its mouth and let out a roar. Link plunged his sword into its mouth, killing it.
In a few minutes, the girl came to. When she opened her eyes and looked down, the first thing she saw was Link taking a piss by the tree under her.
"What the..." she began. The branch she was hanging from snapped and she fell to the ground next to Link.
"Goddamnit," said Link, zipping up his pants, "Couldn't wait until I was done?"
"Did you just save me or something?" asked the girl.
"Yeah," said Link, "But I kinda wish you had woken up later so that I could've had time to grope your unconscious body."
"What?"
"Nothing. What's your name?"
"My name's Tetra," said the girl, "I'm a pirate."
"Yeah," said Link, "And I'm the abominable snowman!"
"Shut up, pretty boy!"
"Aren't you the least bit thankful I saved you?"
"MISS TETRA!" yelled a voice.
The two turned around and saw a beast of a man approaching them. He was tall, with a hairy chest and a red bandana.
"Miss Tetra!" he said, "I am so glad you are safe! When the bird dropped you onto this summit, I thought..."
"Summit?" said Tetra, "That bird dropped me onto a mountain?"
"No shit," said Link.
"That wasn't very nice of it," muttered Tetra.
"That's the worst insult you can come up with?" asked Link, "How about 'When I find that fucking chicken I'm gonna ram a lead pipe up its sorry ass!"
"Come Gonzo," said Tetra, "It's time we taught that bird a lesson! Nobody kidnaps Tetra and gets away with it!"
"Hey!" snapped Link, "What about me, you filthy cow? I saved your ass!"
"What about the boy?" asked Gonzo.
"Leave him," ordered Tetra.
Link rolled his eyes as the two left the forest, then quickly followed them.
Outside, Tetra, Gonzo and Link were just about to cross the bridge leading back to the trail when they saw Aryll approach.
"LINK!" she snapped, "Where in the fuck have you been?"
"I was saving this bitch's life, you filthy slut!" yelled Link, "The fuck are you doing up here anyways?"
"Grandma's looking for you!" yelled Aryll, "It's still your birthday, in case you forgot! And how long does it take to save someone?"
"How 'bout next time you come up here and we'll see how long it takes?"
"I've had it up to here with your shit, Big Brother! I want my telescope back!"
"Here, you can have your fucking vibrator back for all I care!"
"Um," began Tetra, "Link..."
Before Tetra could warn Link, the black bird had returned. After circling the sky for a moment, it swopped down and grabbed Aryll in its claws. Link watched as the bird carried her away.
"ARYLL!" screamed Link, "I'll save you!"
Link pursued Aryll, but not for long, as he ran right off the edge of the cliff.
"WAAAAGGHH!" he screamed.
Link crashed through the roof of Abe and Rose's house, which was right below where the trio stood. Zill and Joel were sleeping in their little bed with Zill blowing an enormous snot bubble every time he snored. Link had landed right on top of the two, waking them up.
"Ow," said Link, rolling off of the bed.
"Hey!" snapped Zill, as he stood up. "You burst my bubble!"
"Your what?" asked Link.
"My nose bubble, foo!" replied Zill, "You done burst it, now, you gon' pay!"
Zill then kicked Link in the balls.
"MY BALLS!" cried Link.
Link stumbled out of the house while clutching his aching testes. He was joined soon after by Tetra and Gonzo.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" asked Tetra, "Did you lose all logic in that moment?"
"Yeah I sort of did. Pot does that to you."
"Well whatever," said Tetra, "We better go and save your sister!"
"Nah, I don't think there's anything we can do. She's in a better place. Now, would you like to come over to my house and have some birthday cake?"
"NO!" snapped Tetra, "We're saving your sister! Gonzo?"
Gonzo then grabbed Link by the ear and dragged him to the beach.
"Ow," said Link, "This sucks worse than a blow job from a ten cent hooker!"
"Ew," said Tetra.
"Wanna see the teeth marks?" continued Link.
"No thanks," said Tetra, "I swore off things that can scar me for life!"
Later, at the beach:
"You want us to do what?" asked Tetra.
"Nothing," said Link, "Do whatever the hell you want, I don't care!"
"NO!" snapped Tetra, "That's not how it works, numbnuts! You're supposed to beg me to take you along!"
"The hell I am," said Link, "I'm going to bed!"
"It's ten in the morning," Tetra said, flatly.
Just then, Quill, the transvestite postman, flew down to the beach where the others stood.
"Hello darlings," said Quill, "How is everyone today?"
"Good," replied everyone.
"I heard a commotion from across the island and decided to check it out. I hope everyone's okay."
"It's my birthday," replied Link, "And my sister's gone, so I'd call that a double-win!"
"Damnit, Link," said Tetra, "Your sister just got kidnapped by a giant bird and you should be more upset about it!"
"Oh," said Quill, "By 'giant bird', do you mean the Helmaroc King? He's a very, very dangerous creature serving an even more dangerous master...And may I add, one sexy beast! Rrrrrr!"
"Where did it take Aryll?" asked Tetra.
"To its nest in the Forsaken Fortress, duh! Ol' Helmy's apparently been spotted kidnapping little Hylian girls across the Great Sea. Not that anyone does anything about it, of course. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some lovely little packages to deliver! Ta-ta!"
Quill then flew off.
"The Forsaken Fortress?" said Tetra, "That place is heavily fortified and extremely dangerous. There's no way we're getting in."
"Oh well," said Link, "At least you tried!"
Tetra slapped her forehead.
"No, Link," said Tetra, angrily, "Your sister got kidnapped by a monster, and you're gonna care, and you're gonna come with us so we can save her, got it?"
"Alright, alright," said Link, "Geez, if you're gonna nag as much as my bitch of a sister, then I might as well rescue her."
"Good. Now, is there anything on this island that you can use to defend yourself?"
"Yeah, your fat ass!"
"Very funny, you dolt. I meant a shield."
"Yeah, I think I got one."
Link ran to his grandma's house.
"Gram?" said Link, as he entered, "Grandma, you there?"
"Oh my," said the old hag, as she approached Link, "Is that you, Link? Did you put on your hero's clothes?"
"Yeah," replied Link, "Look, I kinda need to borrow the shield from our coat of arms for a while. Is that okay?"
"Here it is," said Grandma, handing Link a small brown shield, "I took it down to earlier to clean it. Oh, how I can't believe another year has passed. You know, wearing those clothes is a time-honoured tradition and..."
"Yeah, yeah," said Link, examining the shield, "Listen, I don't quite know how to say this...Earlier today, Aryll was kidnapped by some dangerous people. I don't know if she's okay. I'm going to try and rescue her, but I can't make any promises."
"Oh my," said Grandma, "I hope she packed a sweater!"
"No, Grandma," said Link, "You're not listening!"
"Eh?" said Grandma, "I'm sorry, boy, my hearing ain't what it used to be."
"ARYLL GOT KIDNAPPED!"
"Who's Aryll?"
Link rubbed his forehead and sighed.
"Nevermind," said Link, "I'm gonna be gone for a while. In fact, I might not ever return. It's going to be a rough journey."
"Okay dear," said Grandma, "Just don't forget to pick up some milk along the way."
"Ugh, whatever. Bye!"
"Goodbye, Link."
Link bent down to kiss Grandma, but instead Grandma walked over to tall cactus in the corner and kissed that instead.
"Ooooh Link," said Grandma, "Your skin is so rough! When was the last time you had a bath?"
Link scoffed and walked out.
"Are you ready?" asked Tetra.
"As I'll ever be," replied Link, "Ya know, I wouldn't have rescued you if I knew you were gonna be such a bitch."
"Whatever," said Tetra, "Now, let's get the flock outta here!"
Link climbed aboard Tetra's ship with the other pirates. Once everyone was ready, Gonzo raised the anchor and the ship sailed away. Several townspeople gathered at the beach to wave goodbye to Link.
"LINK!" yelled Sturgeon, "You can't run forever, boy! When you get back I'm gonna wipe that smile off your face, ya hear?"
"Shut up, you old fuck!" snapped Link, "Every word that comes outta your mouth is an atrocity!"
With that, the ship disappeared over the horizon and Link's trip to Hell had begun...