Link's Windwaker Adventure!

Chapter 2:

The next few days at sea were pure chaos for Link, who had been starting fights with the pirates over just about anything, while also avoiding Niko's many attempted sexual assaults. Eventually, the pirates reached Forsaken Fortress.

"LIIINK!" Tetra called out, "We're here!"

"Finally," said Link, emerging from below decks, "Damnit, Niko! Stop trying to grab my ass!"

"Come up and take a look at this!"

Link joined Tetra at the front end of the ship and observed the Fortress. It was a massive, castle-like structure adorned with searchlights and surrounded by heavy walls.

"Hmmm..." said Link, "Looks like this discotheque I went to once."

"Right," said Tetra, "Well, I'm warning you, this is possibly the most dangerous and scariest place you'll ever visit, so you had better stay sharp."

"I got a fucking sword, don't I?" said Link.

"You'll also have this," said Tetra, handing over a small stone to Link.

"What is this?" asked Link, "One of your..."

"Don't start with the sex jokes!" interrupted Tetra, "It's my pirate charm and it allows you to communicate with me."

"What?" said Link, "Too cheap to invest in a walkie-talkie? We have to use fucking rocks to talk each other?"

"Yes," said Tetra, "Now, in order to get you inside, I'm going to use my powers of teleportation."

"Really?"

"No, we're gonna stuff you in a cannon and launch you there. Happy travels!"

"Fuck..."

But before Link could finish his insult, Gonzo grabbed him and shoved him head-first into a cannon.

"3...2...1...Fire!"

The cannon fired, sending Link flying into the wall of the Forsaken Fortress. Following the collision, Link slid down to the floor, with his sword lost on a high-up balcony.

"Damnit!" said Link, as he stood up, "I think I got a chunk of debris wedged up my ass."

"Hey, listen!" said Tetra's voice, "Heheh, I've always wanted to say that!"

Link pulled the Pirate's Charm from his pocket and examined it. It was glowing bright blue.

"Did you make it inside?" Tetra asked, "How do you feel?"

"Aside from being sodomized by a pebble," Link began, "I'm peachy. But my sword is gone. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Relax," said Tetra, "Just follow my instructions and I'll help you find it."

Link stalked through the Forsaken Fortress, holding the small stone up to his face. Tetra updated Link every now and then, informing him of where it was dangerous.

"Okay, Link," began Tetra, "What do you see?"

"I see..." began Link, "Nothing. It's dark...Really, really dark."

"Open your eyes," sighed Tetra.

Link opened his eyes and found himself in the middle of the Fortress grounds.

"Whatever you do," began Tetra, "Don't get spotted by a searchlight!"

"No problemo!" said Link.

Link ran through the grounds and entered through the closest door.

"Alright," said Link to the stone, "I made it inside, and I'm looking around...Seems pretty empty in here at the moment, and...AH! WHAT WAS THAT? Oh God! Oh God! There's someone here!"

Link began running, and the stone shook violently as he did so.

"There's someone following me! It's too dark to tell but...AAAAHHH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAAAAT?"

Link ran some more. He then brought the stone right up to his face. Tears ran down his cheeks while snot gushed from his nose.

"I'm not gonna make it," he cried, "God, I'm so scared right now! Tetra, if you can still hear me, please tell my Grandma that I love her, and tell Sue-Belle I'm sorry that I steal her panties at night and sniff them, and then, tell Orca that I'm sorry I stomped on his balls, and if Aryll gets out, tell her I'm sorry that I failed her, and Rose...Rose, you fat cow, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM GRANDMA! She's never gonna give you that cake recipe, so you might as well give up, you ugly sack of crap! I love you all so much! WAAAAH!"

Just then, Link looked down and saw a small rat run by.

"Oh," said Link, "It was nothing, after all!"

Just then, a large Moblin appeared behind Link and grabbed him.

"Gotcha!" shouted the Moblin.

"P.U.!" said Link, "That is some nasty breath!"

"Grrrr," said the Moblin, "That hurt! My dentist said I brush well."

"Yeah? Well, your dentist is a dumbass!"

"That's it! I'm gonna lock you up so we can deal with you later!"

Some time later, Link sat in his cell, pondering his next move.

"Hey," said Tetra through the stone, "What gives?"

"I'm in jail," replied Link, "I didn't pass 'Go' and I sure as hell didn't collect 200 rupees. By he way, where the hell were you during my twenty minute-long apology?"

"I tuned out," said Tetra, "Around the time you stepped on that rat's tail and went into a frenzy. Now look around the cell. This is a cheap-ass place and there should be some kinda weak spot."

After looking around for a bit, Link found a small rat hole in the ground, which he attempted to squeeze through. After several hours of pushing his fat body through the tight space, Link emerged just outside the cell.

"Phew," Link said, gripping the bars of the cell for support as he stood up.

Just then, the bar snapped right off.

"Of course," he grumbled.

Link ran down a few corridors, sneaking past the Moblin patrol before finally reaching the top balcony, where his sword had landed. Unfortunately, a Bokoblin was guarding the area.

"Shit," said Link, "Uh, uh, OH MY GOD! LOOK OVER THERE, A GIANT, FLOATING DILDO!"

The Bokoblin turned his head and looked up.

Link used this opportunity to snatch his sword. He quickly spun around and sliced the Bokoblin's head off.

"Finally," said Link, "I can rescue Aryll and..."

Just then, Link heard the call of a large bird.

"Not again," he groaned.

The Helmaroc King swooped down and grabbed Link in its claws. Link sighed as he was taken to the very top of the Forsaken Fortress, where a fat man in a black cloak stood among the ruins of an old ship.

"Link," he said, "I have been waiting for you..."

"Santa Claus?" said Link, "You're behind all this?"

"What?" snapped the man, "No! it is I, the Great King of Evil!"

"Elvis Presley?"

"No, he's the King of Rock and Roll. I am the King of Evil!"

"Louis the XIV?"

"He's the King of Fra...Damnit, my name is Ganondorf!"

"Ganondorf?" asked Link, "I've read about you in the legends and stuff. Didn't really picture you looking like Eggman."

"I'm recovering from an eating disorder. Now then, I think I shall have my way with you before I kill you."

"Like hell!" said Link, "I came to kick your ass and bring my sis home! A boy dressed like a fairy kicked your ass many times before, and it's about to happen again, you fat fucker!"

"Bring it on, boy," said Ganon, "But you know you can't stop me!"

Link ran up to Ganon, who wrestled the boy face-first into the ground.

"Time to get ass-raped!" said Ganon.

Link suddenly ripped a huge fart.

"AAAAHHH!" yelled Ganon, covering his mouth, "That stinks! What the hell have you been eating?"

"Take that!" laughed Link, "Beware my ultra-smelly flatulence!"

"You little shit! Get outta here before you stink this place up some more!"

At that moment, the Helmaroc King returned. It picked Link up with its beak then tossed him far across the Great Sea.

"AAAAAHHHH!"

Link flew, quite literally, across the map. As he looked down and saw the ocean and braced himself for impact. However, instead of landing in the water, Link struck a small rock.

"Ow," he said.

He then slid off the rock and into the water before passing out.