Link's Windwaker Adventure!

Chapter 3:

"Wake up," said a voice.

Link opened his eyes and looked around. For a moment, he thought he was dead, but he soon realized instead that he was lying in a small boat, parked on the fringes of a small, but densely populated island.

"How in the fuck did I wind up here?" asked Link.

"Because," said the voice, "I brought you here!"

The boat's figurehead spun around to face Link.

"WAAAAH!" said Link, "A TALKING BOAT? I gotta lay off the smack!"

"Fear me not, Link," said the boat, "For I am the King of Red Lions and I am here to help you!"

"My ass," said Link, "You're after my stash! Well, that ain't gonna happen, you fucking canoe!"

"Easy there," said the King of Red Lions, "I just wanna help you find your sister! Besides, I've already smoked your whole stash."

"Fuck!" snapped Link.

"During your foray into the Forbidden Fortress, do you remember seeing a man in a black cloak? Well, his name is Ganon, and he is a twisted pedophile who has been plucking little girls with pointy ears from across the Great Sea to fulfill his sick, perverted fantasy of raping Princess Zelda."

"So, what? He thinks my sister is a reincarnation of Zelda or something?"

"Yes," said the King of Red Lions, "And if he eventually does find Zelda, bad things are gonna happen. Like, total apocalypse bad. That's why, if you wish to rescue your sister and anyone else Ganon has kidnapped, I must first train you and transform you into a hero."

"Well," said Link, "I don't really care all that much about my sister, but I'm sure the other kidnapped girls will wanna blow me later for saving them. Alright, I'll do it!"

"Alas," said King, "The retards who built me installed a speech option, but forgot to add a sail. Do you think you can find me one here in Windfall?"

"Here we go again," said Link, "Asking me to fix someone else's mistake."

"Thanks a bunch," said King of Red Lions, "You're a dear. Now, I just need you to jump out and swim a few yards. The shore is right over there."

"I'm not swimming in this water," said Link, "It's browner than the shit that comes outta your momma's ass!"

The King sighed and slowly paddled his way towards the shore, where Link disembarked.

"Now," said the King, "Get me a sail, as well as the latest issue of JUGS Monthly. You can get whatever you want for yourself, but don't dawdle. We're on a mission here."

"Yeah, sure," said Link, "Ya think I can I call you KORL?"

"KORL?"

"Yeah, it's like an acronym of your name!"

"I prefer to be called by my true name."

"How 'bout I call you Bubba?"

"Fine, call me KORL..."

After crossing the shore, Link entered the town proper.

"So this is Windfall?" muttered Link, "The bustling metropolis and financial capital of the Great Sea, with a population of like, 30. Wow, we are so fucked."

Link wandered through town for several minutes before entering a random shop

"Hello," said the owner in a slow, monotone voice, "Welcome to my game shop. My name is Salvatore...How may I help you?"

"I'm looking for a sail," said Link, "Do you know where I could buy (Or possibly steal) one?"

"I'm sorry," said Sal, "You can't buy that sail. It's part of my game set-up."

"Yeah," said Link, "I figured. I'm asking where I can find a sail in general."

"Not here," replied Sal.

Link slapped his head.

"Would you be interested in playing my squid-hunting mini-game? It's basically a rip-off of Battleship. Costs about 10 rupees, and you get to hear me make sounds with my mouth like 'Sploooooosh!' and 'Ka-Boom'!"

"Er," said Link, "Bye now."

Link slowly backed out of the door. From there, he proceeded to a nearby café to buy a drink and to ask for directions.

"Hey, Buddy," said a man in a green shirt, waiting in line, "Never seen you here 'round here before!"

Link rolled his eyes.

"I ain't your buddy, perv," he said, "Now, what do ya want?"

"Gee," said the man, "No need to get those white undies of yours in a twist. My name's Anton and I just wanted to introduce ya to Windfall, maybe show you around?"

"Well, I got news for you, pedo; I don't need your help. Your town is small enough to fit up my ass. But, it would be nice to know where I can purchase a sail."

"I believe Zunari is selling one. His shop is right downstairs!"

"Perfect."

Link looked around the café. There were drunk sailors from all over the Sea having drinks, arm wrestling, or conversing. Gossack, the cowardly waiter, was serving the patrons and flinching at slightest of noise. In the corner of the room sat a jukebox playing honky-tonk crap.

"Boy," said Anton, "I really dislike this song. It's been stuck on a loop for the better part of an hour, I'd say!"

"So, change it, dumbass," said Link.

"Can't," said Anton, "Darn thing doesn't seem to work."

"Like hell it doesn't," said Link, cracking his knuckles, "Time to work my magic!"

Link walked up to the jukebox and gave it a whack, changing the song to a death metal jam.

"Eeehh..." said Link, giving a thumbs up.

"No offense there, buddy," began Anton, "But that Fonzie impersonation sucked worse than your mother last night. BAZINGA!"

Link then blinked a few times.

"Oh, I see," he said "So the man-child's all grown up now and trying on my brand of dirty humor, eh? Good on you...NOT! You open those fuckin' pedo lips again, and I swear to God, I will staple 'em shut, ya hear?"

"Gee, buddy," said Anton, "I'm sorry if my joke rustled your goose feathers there. It was very inappropriate, I agree."

"I'm sorry you're a dumbass," said Link, "But are we gonna do about that?"

"Alright, listen kid; I am not normally a violent person, but if keep up this potty mouth, I'm afraid I'm going to have to sit you down and give you a stern talking-to, alright?"

"Ooooh, watch out! Fucker's on a rampage!"

"I mean it, young man!"

"THAT'S IT!"

Link grabbed a beer bottle off a nearby table and smashed it against the wall. He then slashed Anton's eyes out with the jagged end splattering blood across the floor. Anton clutched his bleeding face and stumbled around the bar, crashing into chairs and tables.

"AND THE REASON MY MOM SUCKED SO MUCH IS BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD, FUCKIN' NECROPHILIAC!"

Just then, several other patrons stood up and approached Link.

"This is between me and the pedo," said Link, "Ya'll really wanna get involved? Fine, bring it on!"

Loot suddenly came at Link from the side. Link plunged the jagged end of the beer bottle into his face, killing him. Gummy charged right afterwards. Link picked up a chair and smashed it into his face. Another two sailors came and Link ducked to avoid being tackled. Instead, the two idiots crashed into the jukebox behind him. Link then grabbed each of their heads from behind and slammed them into the device, short-circuiting it.

"Gotcha!" said Candy, grabbing Link by the arm.

"No," said Link, "Got you!"

Link the twisted his arm around and slammed his fist into it, causing the bone to pop out. As another two sailors approached, Link grabbed two plates off of a nearby table and hurled them like frisbees, decapitating them. Gossack, the cowardly waiter, suddenly popped up from behind a table and charged at Link with a cutting knife. Link merely stepped aside and tripped him, causing him to fall to the floor and accidentally impale himself.

"Well," said Link, "That was fun, but I must be..."

The bar maid, Gillian ran from behind the counter and cautiously approached Link with a dagger.

"You know I don't hit girls," said Link, "I just cut 'em instead!"

Link then drew his sword and plunged it into her head.

"Goshdarn you!" snapped Anton, still clutching his bloody face, "If only I could see you, then I'd teach you a lesson or two!"

Link sighed, then decapitated Anton. In the aftermath of the brawl, Link searched through each of the corpses' wallets, accumulating rupees.

"That should be enough for a sail," Link muttered before heading downstairs.

"Lamp oil?" said the shopkeeper, Zunari, "Rope? Bombs? Er, I'm afraid I don't have any of that at the moment..."

"No worries," said Link, "All I need is something to travel with."

"Then you'll want my sail! It's what I used to sail here, but I no longer need it! How does 80 rupees sound?"

"I was gonna spend this money on hookers, but seeing how half the people on this island are old hags, I'd say it's a deal!"

"My dear boy, thank you! You have made me very happy! Now, I can finally get my decorations shop up and running!"

"Might wanna try opening a clinic on this island before selling useless trinkets...Just sayin'."

Zunari produced a sail, which somehow fit into Link's pocket.

"Here," said Link, handing some rupees, "Keep the change."

Link left Windfall and returned to the King of Red Lions.

"Took you long enough," said KORL, "Why are you covered in blood?"

"It's not blood," Link lied, "They were having one of those Spanish tomato fights and I..."

KORL glared at Link.

"Alright," said Link, "I got into a bar brawl and murdered a bunch of people. Does it really matter?"

"No, but try to watch yourself...We don't want to attract any unnecessary attention. I'm already on probation for exposing myself at a football game!"

Link snorted

"Anyhow," said KORL, "Now that we have a sail, our quest to turn you into a hero can finally begin. We are going to start by searching for three pearls, each named for one of the three Goddesses of Hyrule - Din, Farore and Nayru."

"And what do these pearls do, exactly?" Link asked.

"You will see in time. For now, let us head to nearby Dragon Roost, where the first pearl lies. Onward!"