Link's Windwaker Adventure!

Chapter 4:

After sailing for a few hours, Link found himself at the shore of a large island with a tall mountain sticking out of the centre.

"This better be it!" said Link, "The people on the last five islands we stopped at weren't too friendly!"

"Maybe cause you pissed all over their land?" said KORL, "Link, man, you gotta stop sailing under the influence."

"I can't stop," said Link, pulling out a vodka bottle and chugging it, "I'm depressed. My sister's gone and I couldn't save her!"

"I thought you hated your sister? During one of your drunken tirades, you kept talking about maiming and torturing her and then feeding her remains to your pet gerbil!"

"Alright," said Link, disembarking, "Enough! What I said while I was drunk has nothing to do with anything. Now, just let me find the goddamn pearl thingie on Penis Island over here!"

"Wait," said KORL, while holding a small white baton in his mouth, "You'll need this! It's a Windwaker!"

"More useless gadgets?" said Link, "My pockets are already on the verge of exploding!"

"This one's not useless, I promise you. With it, you can control the wind and get around faster! Just conduct the secret song."

"And what might that be?"

"Beats the hell outta me. Just swish it around randomly until you figure it out."

"In that case, isn't it faster to just travel the old-fashioned way?"

"Maybe...But just keep the Windwaker on hand anyway. If nothing else, it looks pretty bitchin', right?"

"It looks like a dick with two balls at the end!"

The King of Red Lions glared at Link momentarily.

"Go find the pearl," he ordered.

With that, Link across the shore and headed up the side of the mountain. Upon reaching the entrance of the mail centre, he ran into Quill, the transvestite postman.

"Oh...my...goodness!" said Quill, "Link! What a pleasant surprise! I'm so glad you're okay! Come here you little, handsome man!"

Quill then grabbed Link and began to kiss his face repeatedly.

"Ew!" said Link, "Get the fuck off me, perv! Listen, I was tossed out of the Forsaken Fortress by that giant cockatoo while trying to rescue Aryll, but then I met a talking a boat and he took me here and gave me this phallic baton and told me I need to find some pearls. Can you help me or what?"

"Oh, Linkie,"said Quill, pinching Link's cheeks, "You're so cute with your little stories. I'm terribly sorry about your sister, though. Hey, you should come and see the Chieftain! He may be of some help."

Link shrugged and followed Quill into the mail centre. There, he met the Rito Chieftain, who was flanked by his bodyguards.

"So," began the Chieftain, "You're Link?"

"Nah," replied Link, "I'm a happy little elf from the North Pole."

"Excellent! Santa Claus placed an order for reindeer chow and he said he'd be sending someone to..."

"Um, guys?" said Quill, "He's not actually an elf! He's trying to save his sister!"

"Oh," said the Chieftain, "So you are Link? My apologies, I'm bad at seeing through sarcasm. I am so glad to meet you. My drag queen friend here told me about your sister. Unfortunately, we cannot assist you at this time, for we have been experiencing some problems of our own. The Spirit of the Skies, the Great Valoo, has been behaving very aggressively lately and no one can approach him. This is bad because whenever our inhabitants come of age, they must climb to the top of the mountain and fuck Valoo to prove they are ready to receive a pair of wings."

"Fuck Valoo?" said Link, "You mean your rite of passage involves having sex with a giant, red dragon? Geez, I thought dressing up in green tights was twisted, but this..."

"Oh," said Quill, "It's the most wonderful experience ever! I mean, the fit is a little strange at first, but once you squirm it around inside for a while, it's nothing but pure bliss!"

"Hey!" snapped the Chieftain, "Shut the fuck up and keep those homoerotic comments to yourself, or I'll banish your fairy ass from this island! If you weren't my step-brother-in-law's grand-nephew, I would have had you executed like the rest of them!"

"Geez!" said Quill, "Sounds like someone had himself a cup of mean tea! If anybody needs me, I'll be in my room, crying!"

Quill ran off. Link stared at the Chieftain.

"Sorry about that," he explained, "You see, I'm actually quite envious of Quill, because my first time with Valoo didn't go very well. In fact, I..."

"Alright, alright," said Link, "No details, please."

"Anyhoo," the Chieftain continued, "My son is of the age to fuck the Great Valoo and receive his scale. But because we are unable to get Valoo under control, my son cannot get his scale, and has thus become a creepy, emo recluse who won't come out of his bedroom."

"He wouldn't happen to have a giant pearl to comfort him, would he?" asked Link.

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"I need you to to head upstairs and speak to a girl named Medli. She is holding a letter from me that I want to give to my son."

"Why don't you just talk to him yourself? He has a better chance of letting you in than me!"

"It's not that. You see, my ex-wife kinda won't let me see him anymore...Or even talk to him. Long story."

"I see," said Link, "Well, I'll get your letter then...Only because, I'm interested in meeting this 'Medli'. She sounds hot."

Link quickly ran upstairs and walked into the main room.

"Let me see," said the girl standing at the entrance, "Green tunic, white pants, and a small green hat? You must be Link!"

"Let me see," echoed Link, "A dumb face, a stupid beak, and greasy brown hair tied up into a French braid? You must be a retard!"

"Haha," laughed Medli, handing Link a letter, "Here, I need you to take this to Komali. I worry so much about him, you know? I mean, with his parents always at custody hearings, or in jail for attempting to kill each other, I'm really the one who has to look out for him."

"Fascinating," said Link, sounding bored.

"If only my grandmother was still alive, she's put a stop to this. She was the only one who could speak the ancient language and actually communicate with Valoo. I can speak a little bit, but..."

"Well, guess what? The whore is dead and so is your stupid language! Now, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna deliver this letter and be on my way."

"Wait," said Medli, "I have a favour to ask of you!"

Medli led Link to an outdoor area that was surrounded on all sides by giant cliffs. A shallow chasm separated Link and Medli from the entrance to Dragon Roost cavern. At the bottom of this chasm lay the remnants of a broken bridge, as well as large boulder. The area was devastated by periodic sandstorms. Every time the Great Valoo roared, the ground shook and more dust went flying.

"Can someone please tell that dragon to shut the hell up?" said Link, shielding his eyes from the storm.

"Can't you see he's in pain, Link?" snapped Medli, "Now, I need your help to get across to Dragon Roost Cavern! From there, I'm gonna head up to Valoo's roost and attempt to diagnose him."

"Where the hell are we anyways?" asked Link, "I haven't been somewhere this strange since I got into Orca's 'stash'."

"This is Dragon Roost Spring," replied Medli, "Or, at least it used to be!"

"This is a spring?" said Link, "Please! There's more water in my toilet bowl!"

"During one of his fits, a boulder fell, destroying the bridge across before rolling over there, plugging the spring's source of water!"

"Wow, that's either one hell of a coincidence, or that boulder is magic!"

"Think you can you help me get across?"

"Only if you give me head!"

"What?"

"Ah, nevermind. Your beak would hurt like a bitch. Now, how are we doing this?"

"You're gonna give me a boost. My wings will do the rest. Now, put your hands on my ass and lift me over your head!"

"If I had a rupee for every time I heard that..."

Link went up to Medli and hoisted her up.

"Damn," said Link, "You're heavy! What have you got in there?"

"Supplies," said Medli, "Ya know, food, water, a map, and a grappling hook!"

"Since when do your people use grappling hooks to climb?"

"Who said the grappling hook is for climbing?"

Link raised an eyebrow before aligning her with the other side of the fallen bridge. With one thrust of his arms, he threw her over to the other side. Medli attempted to flap her wings and fly, but a sudden gust of wind forced her down to the bottom of the empty of spring. There, she landed headfirst, with a loud "CRACK!".

"Gee," said Link, dropping down into spring, "That sounded painful...You okay?"

"I'm fine, I think," replied Medli, wiping blood off of her head, "We were too far. We need to get closer."

Link lifted Medli again and brought her close to the other side.

"Link," began Medli, "I think this is a little too close..."

Link ignored Medli and threw hew with all his might. She crashed straight into the wall and slid down to the ground.

"My bad," said Link.

Medli stood up and fumbled about, vomiting large amounts of blood.

"One more time," she insisted, "I know I can do this!"

"You sure?" asked Link, "I mean, you don't look too hot."

"Lift me by the ass and throw me!" ordered Medli.

Link tossed her with all his might, and this time, she glided successfully to the other side.

"Thank you so much, Link," said Medli, "If anything happens to me, please take care of Prince Komali!"

"Like I'm gonna take care of that stupid brat," muttered Link.

"I'll try not to be too long, so don't worry about me, okay? In case you don't see me again, best of luck to you, Link!"

"What about my reward?"

"Reward?"

"Yeah, for getting you to the other side?"

Medli dug into her pockets.

"Er," she said, "How about a bottle?"

Medli tossed an empty bottle into the spring and Link caught it.

"Bye!" she said, before running off.

"Yeah," said Link, "Thanks a lot...Bitch. What the fuck am I gonna do with an empty bottle?"

Suddenly, Link's head was filled with dirty thoughts.

Link returned downstairs, letter in hand, and made his way to Komali's bedroom where he knocked on the door.

"Come in," said Komali.

Link entered. The room was fairly neat, except for a few clothes scattered around. Komali was lying on the bed cradling Din's Pearl on his chest.

"Oy, Pointdexter!" called Link, "Get up! I have something for you!"

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Komali.

"I'm a gay little fairy from Nanaland and I'm here to deliver you an important message from your deadbeat father!"

"What does he want?" asked Komali grabbing the letter from Link, "Let's see, 'Be brave son...Everything will be alright...Yada, yada'. Then, the rest is his shopping list. What's this stain at the bottom?"

"My bad," said Link.

"Yeah, well," began Komali, "It's easy for my dad to tell me to brave and shit. He already got his fucking wings! I still need 'em, or I'll never become a man!"

"You think growing wings will make you a man?" said Link, "Please! Wait until your balls drop, then we'll talk."

"Who the fuck asked you anyways?" said Komali, "You're not even a Rito. What do you have to do with any of this, huh? Can you just fuck on outta here and leave me alone?"

"Actually," said Link, "I kinda need that thing you're holding...Official business."

"Oh, no!" said Komali, "I could never part with Din's Pearl! Whenever I give it a rub, it comforts me and helps me to forget all my troubles!"

"I can think of a thousand other things I'd rub to get rid of my troubles," Link retorted, "But seriously though, I really need it. Here, I'll trade you this bottle I have!"

"What's that white stuff in it?" asked Komali.

"My cu...Milk."

"No thanks, I'm not thirsty. I just wanna be left alone!"

"Listen, Milhouse, I travelled across the entire fucking Great Sea for that pearl and you had better give it to me now, or I'm gonne be truly pissed!"

"Ooooh, I'm so scared!"

"That's it!"

Link then pulled out a handgun and pointed it at Komali's face.

"GIVE ME THE PEARL!" he commanded, "GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEARL!"

"Wha..." began Komali, "I...I..."

"YOU WANNA BE A HERO, SON?" continued Link, "GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEARL 'FORE I VENT THAT SKULL OF YOURS!"

"B-B-But..."

"YOU HAVE 'TILL THE COUNT OF THREE! 1...2..."

"Alright! Alright!" screamed Komali, jumping from his bed, "Here, take the pearl! WAAAAAHHHH!"

As Komali ran screaming from his bedroom, Link swiped Din's Pearl from the bed.

"Time to go," he said.

After fleeing the mail centre, Link made his way across the shore to KORL.

"Start the boat!" shouted Link, "Start the boat!"

"I can't!" yelled KORL, "You have the sail, remember?"

"AW, FUCK!"

Link jumped into the King of Red Lions and equipped the sail. Within seconds, KORL sailed away, leaving Dragon Roost far behind.

"Link," began KORL, "What in the hell did you do?"

"I got the pearl," Link replied in between gasps, "Like you asked."

"Okay, but...What's with all the, er, drama? Did you kill someone again?"

"What? No! I'm just, uh, eager to save my sister is all!"

"But..."

"SHUT UP AND DRIVE!"

The two then sailed off into the distance. Next stop: The Forest Haven!

Meanwhile, on one of the upper floors of Dragon Roost Cavern, Medli found herself being tackled to the floor by two Bokoblins.

"Sweet," said one of them, "We don't see many ladies come by here!"

"You said it, bro!" said the other.

They then took turns having their way with Medli.

"LIIIIIIIINK!" she cried, "HEEEEEELP MEEEEEEE!"