Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 5:
After sailing for some time, Link reached the Forest Haven, located at the south end of the Great Sea. It consisted of twin isles resembling giant trees.
"Finally," said Link, "Hopefully this place has decent hookers. I've been deprived of sexual contact for like, two hours! Not good, man."
"Please," said KORL, "Focus on finding Farore's Pearl first, yeah?"
Link climbed out of the boat and walked the trail leading to where the Great Deku Tree dwelled. He supposedly held Farore's Peal, the second MacGuffin Link needed in his quest. As Link entered the woods, he spotted a large tree in the centre, covered with multi-coloured blotches.
"Ha!" Link laughed, "Look at all those warts! He looks like Sturgeon."
As Link approached the tree, the "warts" jumped down and attacked him.
"Piece of cake," said Link.
After killing them all, the tree began to speak:
"Garble Drooble, Hukie Fodie?" it said.
Link stared in confusion.
"Jubie Harrie, Kiop Reta?"
"Yo, Treebeard!" Link yelled, "Can you at least try to speak English?"
"My apologies," said the Deku Tree, "When I saw your clothes, I felt a longing for the ancient tongue."
"Yeah," said Link, "It's been known to happen."
"Koroks!" the Deku Tree called out, "Children of the forest, do not be afraid! Link here will not hurt you, for he is a friend!"
At that moment, several miniscule, plant-like creatures emerged and gathered around Link.
"Link," said the Deku Tree, "These are my children, the Koroks."
"You have children?" asked Link, "Gee, I wouldn't have wanted to be your wife!"
"It wasn't as bad as you think," said the Tree, "Now what may I do you for?"
"First and foremost," began Link, "Do you guys have any good-looking hookers 'round here...Or do they also resemble mutant heads of lettuce?"
The Koroks scratched their heads in confusion.
"I'll take that as a 'No'," continued Link, "Anyhow, next order of business; do you guys have a giant, green pearl with you or something?'
"You mean Farore's pearl?" said the Deku tree, "Why, of course! I shall give it you once our annual ceremony is complete. We basically just dance and sing and plant a bunch of seeds all over the place. It's pretty fucking queer as you can see."
"Whatever man," said Link, "Do what you gotta do."
Just as the Koroks were about to get the ceremony underway, a small Korok came flying in from the open ceiling of the Forest Haven.
"Oh, Great Deku Tree!" he said, "Help! Something terrible has happened!"
"What is it?" asked the tree.
"That pompous asshole, Makar, flew to close to Forbidden Woods and fell in! He's in grave danger!"
"Link," said the tree, "Are you hearing this?"
"Nope," said Link, picking out a booger.
"Makar's in danger!"
"So what, you want me to rescue him?"
"Well, yeah...I mean, we kinda need him to start our celebration."
"Oh yeah?" Link said, drawing his handgun, "How about...GIVE ME THE PEARL! GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEARL!"
The Deku Tree suddenly whacked the gun out of Link's hands with one of his branches.
"Alright," said Link, "I'll go save Makar."
"You'll need this," said the tree, sprouting a leaf that was about Link's size.
"The fuck is this?" Link asked.
"It's a Deku leaf. It will allow you to glide across vast distances."
"Like over your momma's fat ass?"
"Yes, like...HEY!"
Link chuckled.
"Hurry up and go, smart-ass!" snapped the Deku Tree.
"Yeah, yeah," said Link, "I'm going. But don't get your hopes up. If he dies, it's your fucking fault for not keeping a better eye on him!"
After climbing to the highest point of the Forest Haven, Link used his Deku Leaf to flutter over to the neighbouring island which housed the Forbidden Woods. Link landed on a high up platform and entered through a small hole in the wall.
"This place is kinda colourful," Link observed, "Not helping my allergies though."
Just then, a bunch of Chu-Chus surrounded Link.
"Ugh," Link groaned, "Not these fucks again!"
Link pulled out his sword and cut them all up, until one remained.
"Taste my fist!" he yelled, "HIYA!"
Link punched the Chu-Chu, lodging his fist inside of the creature's gelatinous skin.
"Ewww," Link cried, as he slowly removed his fist, "Gross!"
The Chu-Chu smiled and rubbed its body against Link's.
"Ugh," Link moaned, "Get the fuck offa me! Your staining my clothes with your shit!"
Link glanced around the room and spotted a bomb flower. He quickly picked it up and threw inside of the Chu-Chu.
"Hit the deck!" Link yelled.
Within seconds, the bomb exploded, showering Link with slime.
"This is worse than when Zill catches a cold," Link said, as he wiped the slime from his clothes, "Oh well. Onward, then!"
Link then proceeded to the far end of the room, where a small chest lay.
"Cool," said Link, "Didn't notice that..."
Link opened the chest. There was a lot of tension in the air as Link wondered what the prize inside was...A small yellow boomerang.
"Okay," he said, "I can see how this could be useful in a place full of vines and shit."
Link then tossed the boomerang and laughed as it circled the room. All of a sudden, it arched upwards and struck Link in the head.
"Ow," he muttered.
Not even five minutes in the dungeon, Link took a wrong turn and found himself tumbling down a large hole into oblivion. He landed on a giant flower, which thankfully broke his fall.
"Oooh," Link groaned, as he stood up.
Suddenly, he found himself surrounded by two Moblins.
"You there," said one of them, "You dare enter the chamber of Kalle Demos?"
"Who?" said Link, "Caca Pipi?"
"No," said the other Moblin, "Kalle Demos, King of the Boko Baba!"
"Sorry," said Link, "I don't speak idiot!"
"Listen you," said the first Moblin, "If you don't get gone, we're gonna have to kill you!"
"Not before I kill your mother first!" said Link.
"What?" said the Moblin.
Link then drew his sword and plunged it into the Moblin's neck, spilling blood everywhere. The other Moblin charged at Link with his spear. Link jumped over the Moblin, slicing the top of his head open in the process.
"Okay then," said Link, "Time to go see this Khaki Demon. Maybe he knows where I can find Makar!"
Link opened the door and entered the room. It was large and circular, with the floor covered with little weeds. In the centre, there was a little Korok jumping up and down like an idiot.
"Yo," said Link, "You Makar by any chance?"
"Yes," shouted the little Korok, "But you cannot stay here! Get out, mister! Get..."
Suddenly, the head of a carnivorous plant emerged from the floor and ate Makar.
"What the?" shouted Link, "NOOO! I needed the little bastard!"
As the plant roared, several petals closed around its head, giving it a bulbous shape. Some vines emerged from the plant and attached themselves to the ceiling, lifting the creature off of the ground.
"Aw, fuck!" yelled Link, "Now I gotta kill this thing before Makar dissolves in its stomach juices. Hang on, Makar! I'll get you out!"
Kalle Demos roared, then slammed down one of its vines near Link, who rolled out of the way in time. The next attack, Link managed to slice off the vine with his sword.
"Ah-ha!" said Link, "I...Aw, shit!"
Within seconds, the vine had repaired itself.
"It's hopeless," said Link, "I'm never gonna get Makar out in time."
Link dodged several more vines before running into a green Chu-Chu.
"The fuck are you doing here?" he asked, "How dare you mock with those wide, gaping eyes and that retarded grin?"
The Chu-Chu just stared.
"That's it!" said Link, "You've forced my hand, asshole!"
Link then drew his boomerang and waved it threateningly in the air.
"Wait a sec," said Link, "THAT'S IT! I can cut all of Kalle's vines at once using my boomerang! My slimy friend, you are a genius!"
Link then grabbed the Chu-Chu and gave it a long kiss. As he pulled his lips away, it formed a trail of slime connecting to the Chu-Chu.
"Ew," said Link, "Maybe not such a..."
Kalle Demos slammed another of its vines down, splattering the Chu-Chu.
"Oof!" said Link, "Oh well, time to take out the trash!"
Link tossed his boomerang toward the ceiling, slicing some of Kalle's vines off. Link successfully caught the boomerang as it returned, then rolled to the other side where he sliced off more vines. Link repeated this process several times until there was nothing holding the giant plant up. As the creature tumbled to the floor, the bulb opened up, once again revealing Kalle's head.
"Time to whack this weed!" Link yelled as he charged the creature.
Link swung his sword, decapitating Kalle Demos. The giant flower that it rested on withered and died, while the dismembered head exploded for no apparent reason. Moments later, Makar climbed out from the dead flower.
"Yay!" chanted Makar, "I'm alive! And I owe it all to you Mr..."
"Link," replied Link, "James Link."
"James Link?"
"Nah," said Link, "I'm just fucking around. Please, just call me Link."
"Thank you so much...I owe you my life!"
"I'd prefer cash. Oh, and a hot meal."
"Oh dear! I forgot all about the celebration! Hurry, Mr. Link! We must get back!"
Makar stepped in the middle of the dead flower and was suddenly teleported from the dungeon.
"Huh," began Link, "Well, I better give it a shot."
Link stepped in the middle as well and was suddenly teleported out.
"WOOOAAAHHH!" screamed Link as he tumbled towards the Forest Haven at light speed. He crash-landed straight into a Boko Baba bud, which proceeded to launch him into the Deku Tree's face.
"Oh my," said the Deku Tree, "Welcome back, Link. I presume you had a fun trip?"
"Nope," replied Link, as he slid down the Deku's tree's nose and landed on the ground.
"Link needs to get used to teleporting," laughed Makar.
"You need to get used to shutting the fuck up!" snapped Link.
"Alright, alright." said the Deku Tree, "Calm down everyone. It is now time to start the festivities."
Makar pulled out his violin played a gentle tune. After the first few bars, Makar suddenly threw his violin away and approached a set of turntables, from which EDM was pumping. Link and the Koroks raved for hours as the Forest Haven filled with beams of light and smoke. By the end of the party, Link was lying drunk and half-naked in the spring.
"Uggh," Link groaned, "Christ almighty, what a blast! Haven't gotten ripped like that in years. We should do it again some time!"
"Yes, yes," said the Deku Tree, who inexplicably had a pair of panties hanging from his nose, "I've never felt more alive! Thank you for getting us all pumped up! Now, my children, brace yourselves, for here come my seeds!"
The Deku Tree shook a bit, causing several large seeds to tumble from his branches. Every Korok except for Makar and Hollo grabbed one and flew off.
"My children will now travel to various islands across the Great Sea," explained the tree, "And plant these seeds...SO THAT I MAY GROW AN ARMY OF DEKU TREES AND TAKE OVER THE...Ahem, I mean, they will make the Sea a better place to live."
"And I will stay here and continue to play my violin," began Makar, "'Cause I have absolutely no life!"
"And I will be in the lab," began Hollo, "Cooking meth. See ya!"
Once Hollo and Makar were gone, the Deku Tree shook its branches once more and a large pearl fell out.
"Awesome," said Link, grabbing the object, "Time to blow this shit-smelling, bug-infested quagmire you fucktards call a home!"
"Link," continued the tree, "On your journey, please be..."
"Whatever it is you have to say," said Link, "I don't give a shit anymore! Bye!"
Link then fled the forest as the Deku Tree shed a single tear.
"Took you long enough," said KORL, as Link approached.
"They had me rescue this chunk of shit from the Forbidden Woods," replied Link, "Then we had a rave. I don't remember much, but I should probably get tested for HIV."
"Uh-huh," said KORL.
"So, what's the next stop?"
"Greatfish Isle!"