Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 6:
For the next few days, Link and KORL sailed the high seas to Greatfish Isle, where Nayru's Pearl, the last of the three treasure, lay.
"Aaaaah," said KORL, "Can you just smell that fresh..."
As KORL sniffed the air, he nearly gagged at the smell.
"Uh, Link," he began, "Did you just...?"
"It was your mom," accused Link.
KORL rolled his eyes. It wasn't much longer before they found themselves at the shore of Greatfish Isle. The once peaceful island lay in ruins with trees and rocks blown around. A mighty storm cloud darkened the skies above spilling rain all over the surrounding area.
"What the hell happened here?" demanded KORL.
"This place is an even bigger dump than Mesa's house," said Link.
"We better investigate," said KORL, "Maybe the pearl is still here."
"Wrong!" said Link, "I'm gonna investigate. You're just gonna sit here like a log and wait for me, ya legless hunk o' shit!"
"True," said KORL.
After taking a few steps onto the island, Link was greeted by Quill, the transvestite postman.
"Well, if it isn't dear old Linky-Boy!" said Quill, landing in front of Link, "How are you, handsome?"
"Still haven't rescued my sister," said Link, "Oh, and I almost got killed by an overgrown weed, but other than that, I'm fine. You?"
"All's well at Dragon Roost," replied Quill, "When we heard that Medli had entered Dragon Roost Cavern by herself, the Chieftain and I ran up to save her. Poor girl was nearly assaulted by two Bokoblins!"
Link chuckled.
"But don't worry," assured Quill, "She'll be fine. We also managed to fix the Valoo issue. Apparently, he just had a bad case of gas."
"And Komali?" asked Link.
"He mentioned something about a gun...But the moment he heard that Valoo was okay, he ran straight up to get his scale and that was pretty much the end of that discussion."
"Excellent," Link said in a menacing voice.
"So, you're probably wondering about what happened here, right?"
"Not really."
"Well, turns out the Evil Ganondorf placed some sort of a curse on this island, turning it into soggy rain-drenched hellhole. And then he sent his goons to attack the island in the hopes of finding Nayru's Pearl before you."
"And you know all this because..." began Link.
"I'm psychic," joked Quill.
"Right," said Link, "Well, did he succeed?"
"Nope," Quill explained, "The water spirit, Jabun, who resides on this island, took the Pearl somewhere safe."
"Where?"
"Why, none other than the place where you were born!"
"My mother's vagina?"
"What? No! I meant the location where you were born."
"My mother's house?"
Quill rubbed his face and sighed.
"Your home island," he elaborated, "Outset?"
"Outset?" said Link "How the fuck could a giant fish be hiding there? As dumb as everyone is there, surely someone would have seen it!"
"Jabun's is supposedly hiding in a grotto on the far the side of the island. But I must warn you; the entrance to this grotto is sealed by a mighty slab carved from the strongest stone found on this planet...A few bombs should be enough to get inside."
"Woo-hoo! Time to blow shit up! Yeah, boy!"
"Well then," began Quill, "I must get going, for this storm's about to get a whole lot worse! Good luck and ta-ta!"
Following his discussion with Quill, Link returned to KORL, who was taking a nap.
"Wake up, Lion Boy," ordered Link, "We need to find us some explosives!"
"Hm," said KORL, "Well, we could go back to Windfall. There is a bomb shop there, if I recall."
"I mean, we could...Even though I'm probably wanted for murder."
"Excellent," said KORL, "To Windfall it is!"
The journey to Windfall was miserable as the Greatfish curse spread throughout the entire Great Sea, darkening the world and leading to endless rainfall. Upon reaching the shore, Link disembarked KORL and walked through the abandoned town. With his clothes soaked, Link entered the nearest building to rest for a while.
"A prison?" said Link, as he looked around, "Thought this was a brothel!"
"Oh my goodness!" said a voice, "It's a fairy boy!"
Link turned and saw a small man wearing green tights in one of the nearby cells. Upon seeing Link, the man ran excitedly up to the bars.
"Lemme guess," began Link, "Touched one too many boys at Santa's Village, eh? That why you in here?"
"Heavens no," said the man, "I was wrongfully imprisoned for the petty crime of theft! Good thing this was only my first offense, or they would have castrated me."
"Right."
"Can you please set me free, mister? I've already murdered the guard. I only need you to press that switch over there. Pretty please?"
"Only because you sound like a man who knows how to get shit done. One sec."
Link stepped on the small button in the corner, which opened the cell door and allowed the man to run out.
"Thank you, thank you!" the man said enthusiastically, "My name is Tingle! And you are..."
"Link," replied Link.
"I owe you my life, Mr. Link," began Tingle, "But since I don't have one, I'm gonna give you this."
Tingle handed Link a crudely-drawn map of the Great Sea. The image of a tower could be seen in quadrant C-3.
"Er," said Link, "Thanks?"
"Now," began Tingle, "You'll always know where to find Tingle and his friends. How exciting!"
"I mean, why would I wanna hang out with you and your 'friends'? I'm supposed to take your word that you're not some kinda whacko?"
"Ah, but did I mention? I'm a cartographer! So, if ever you are having trouble with maps, you will know exactly where to find me."
"Okay then, I guess we'll see."
"Indeed we shall."
With that, Tingle stepped out of the prison.
"That was weird," said Link.
Tingle suddenly opened the door and stepped back in.
"Remember," he began, "Anything having to do with..."
"Yeah, yeah," said Link, "Maps, I know!"
Tingle smiled walked out. A few seconds later, he was back.
"What now?" snapped Link.
"I forgot my shoes," said Tingle.
Link sighed.
From there, Link headed to the bomb shop. However, when he saw the pirate ship parked at the shore nearby, Link knew there was trouble a-brewing. The front door was locked, but Link found another way in by heading out back and crawling through a passage that led upstairs.
From the second floor, Link watched as the pirates raided the store and walked out with barrels full of bombs. Mako held back Cannon's arms while Gonzo punched him repeatedly in the stomach.
"We're not bad people," Gonzo pleaded, while raining blows, "We just don't wanna pay 50,000 rupees for a couple of bombs. You understand, right?"
"Fuck you!" snapped Cannon, spitting blood in Gonzo's face.
"Gonzo," said Mako, "I'm still impressed by the little bit of fast-talking you did to convince that postman to tell us where the giant fish creature fled."
"Yup," said Gonzo, "Pretty smooth, huh? Just had to seduce that baby and she spilled the beans."
"You do realize, Gonzo," began Mako, "That the postman is a man, right?"
"What?" said Gonzo, "Uh, it was clearly a woman! Couldn't you tell?"
"It was a man dressed like a woman, my friend. A transvestite."
Gonzo turned sickly pale.
"Don't tell me you..." began Mako, "Oh dear God."
"I need a minute," said Gonzo, placing a hand on his mouth.
"Could you two stop dawdling and get a move on?" Tetra barked, "There is work to be done!"
"Sorry, Miss Tetra," said Mako, "Come on, lover boy. Gimme a hand with that box, eh?"
"Sure," said Gonzo.
"And when we're done here," continued Tetra, "We're going straight to Outset!"
"WHAT?" said Gonzo, "Miss, we've been travelling for months!"
"Make that weeks," said Tetra, "We have to make it to Outset before the island gets destroyed, just like Greatfish! Also, I don't wanna miss Beedle's one-day piece of heart sale."
All of a sudden, a lugey flew past Tetra's face.
"The fuck was that?" she demanded.
Another lugey struck Gonzo in the face.
"HEY!" snapped Gonzo, "Who did that?"
"Gotcha, motherfucker!" said Link from above.
As Tetra looked around, she spotted Link above. He crawled out of view, but it was too late. Tetra, however, smiled and winked.
"Alright, boys," said Tetra, "Change of plans; we're gonna spend the night in town. Let's head to the café, get smashed, have a nice meal...Whatever! Then, in the morning, we'll set off!"
"But I thought you said..." began Gonzo.
Mako then punched Gonzo in the balls.
"Don't push our luck, pal," he snapped.
"Ooooh," Gonzo moaned while clutching his privates.
"Now then," said Tetra, "Let's get outta here!"
The pirates cheered as they collected the remaining barrels and left the shop. Link dropped down into the main room and looked around.
"Help me," squeaked Cannon, who was lying injured on the ground.
"Fuck off," said Link, kicking Cannon unconscious.
Link explored the back room for a while, only to find all of the bombs had been cleaned out.
"Shit," said Link, "Now where am I gonna get my bombs?"
Link thought for a while and decided to raid the pirates' ship while they dined at the café.
Link was able to reach the pirate ship by leaping onto the mast from the cliffside just behind the bomb shop. From there, he stepped onto the deck and approached the door leading below decks, only to find it locked.
"Password, please," said Niko from the other side.
"Aw, fuck," said Link, "Er, 'Plankton'?"
"WRONG!" yelled Niko, "Try again, my friend!"
"Your mother," said Link.
"Wrong again! I need the right password or you're not getting in, whomever you are!"
"Fuck this shit," said Link.
Link then kicked open the door. Niko, who was standing right behind, tumbled down the stairs behind him. Link stepped inside and looked around.
"Aw, sweet!" he said, "Tetra's bedroom! And there's no one guarding it!"
Link immediately ran inside and opened the dresser drawer. After digging inside momentarily, Link pulled out a giant pair of grey briefs.
"The fuck?" said Link, "Ah, well. It's still chick's underwear!"
Link bunched the underwear up into a ball and began sniffing it.
"What are you doing?" asked Niko, entering the room.
"Sniffing Tetra's underwear," replied Link, "What's it look like?"
"That's mine," said Niko, "Must have gotten mixed up with Tetra's laundry."
Link stared down at the underwear, then at Niko, then back at the underwear before carefully putting it back in the drawer.
"What brings you back to the ship?" Niko asked.
"I need some bombs," Link said, "Think you can spare me some? Come on, I've been a loyal swabbie, right?"
"Hm," Niko scratched his chin, "Alright. Because I like you so much, I'll cut you a deal. Follow me!"
Niko lead Link downstairs to the cargo hold. Along the way, he grabbed Link's ass.
"Touch me again, prick," began Link, "And I'll kick your balls so hard, they're gonna go flying out of your ass!"
"Geez," said Niko, "Sorry, dude!"
In the cargo hold, several lanterns hung from the ceiling. A chest lay on a platform at the opposite end of the room, separated by a large gap.
"The bombs are right there," began Niko, "They're yours, provided you survive...MY DEATH TRAP! MUAHAHAHA!"
"Your what?"
"My deathtrap! Behold, a pit of ferocious lions, a raging ten-foot fire, spike pits, and of course, a tank filled with vicious, man-eating piranhas! The only way to get to the other side is by swinging on those lanterns!"
"You set up a death trap in the ship's cargo area?" asked Link, "The fuck is wrong with you?"
"I'm bored," Niko replied, "Those fuckers left me here to guard the ship while they go out and party! What else am I supposed to do? Read? That's for pussies!"
"Right," said Link, "Well, if you don't mind, I need those bombs."
Link leapt off the edge and grabbed the nearest lantern. From there, he swung to the next, and in mere seconds, he had made it to the other side.
"WHA?" said Niko, incredulously, "That can't be! I-It took me years to perfect my swinging ability!"
Link shrugged, "Maybe you just suck at it."
"Now, wait just a minute" said Niko, "No one's better than me! I'm like a monkey!"
"Then prove it," Link taunted, "Show me what you've got!"
"S-Sure thing!"
Niko approached the edge nervously and looked down. He swallowed hard, then took a running leap off. After failing to grab the first lantern, Niko plunged straight into the piranha tank.
"AAAAHHHH!" he screamed, "HEEEELP!"
Within seconds, the water in the tank turned red.
"Ah well," said Link, "Time to get going."
Link swung his way back and left the pirate ship with a bag full of bombs. From there, he returned to where KORL was parked.
"Let's go, Red," he said, "I got what I came for."
"A little faster next time," said KORL, "I'm soaked from all this rain."
"You're always soaked," said Link, "You're a fucking boat. Now, let's move our assess back to Outset!"