Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 7:
Link sailed for several miserable weeks across the Great Sea before finally reaching Outset.
"Now," said KORL, "I'm going to allow you to reconnect with some of your friends and family for a while, but then we gotta get going, alright?"
"Relax would ya?" said Link, "Just wanna say 'Hi' to my grandma."
"See ya in a bit," said KORL.
As Link walked around the island, he was suddenly attacked by a horde of Chu-Chus.
"These things again?" whined Link, "Ugh!"
Link drew his sword and chopped some up, but found he was overwhelmed.
"Aw, fuck!" said Link, "HEEELP! IT'S AN INFESTATION!"
Link ran up to Orca's door and pounded on it continuously.
"Open the fucking door, old man!" he pleaded.
"Link," called a voice, "Up here!"
It was Sue-Belle from upstairs. Link abandoned Orca's door and headed up the ladder. Shortly after, Orca opened the door.
"What's all this got-dang commotion?" he yelled.
Just then, the Chu-Chus that had been pursuing link swarmed around Orca and rushed him into his house.
"What in tarnation?" he said, "Hey, this one's frisky!"
"Thanks," Link said, entering the Sturgeon's house, "I owe you."
"Nice to see you again, boy," said Sturgeon, "Was wonderin' when you'd show your dumb, freckled face 'round here again, heheh!"
"Shaddup, you old fart," Link snapped, "What the fuck is going on out there? Since when are there monsters on Outset?"
"Ever since the storm began," explained Sue-Belle, "Terrible things have been happening. It's like the whole world's become infected with evil."
"Yup," added Sturgeon, "Just like an STI, heheh!"
Sturgeon then began thrusting suggestively.
"Grandpa!" snapped Sue-Belle, "Take your medication and go to bed!"
"Ah, fuck off!" said Sturgeon, "Good for nothin'..."
"That reminds me," said Link, "How is Grandma?"
"Terrible," replied Sue-Belle, "She's fallen ill, and is getting weaker everyday. It's so hard, being alone all the time."
"This is bad," said Link, "And it's all my fault - Though that disease-ridden Zill probably had a role to play in this - But it's still mostly my fault, dammit! I have to find a way to set things right! Do you know how?"
"You go and find a fairy, ya little pansy!" snapped Sturgeon.
"A fairy?"
"Yeah," Sue-Belle said, "From the fairy forest up in that mountain. Supposedly, there's a Fountain filled with them!"
"In that case," said Link, "I'll be back. See ya!"
Link ran out the front door and climbed down the ladder. As he passed by Orca's house, Link glanced inside and saw the old man sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room, smoking up with the Chu-Chus.
"'Sup?" he said, "Wanna puff? It's the shit, maaaan!"
Link rolled his eyes and proceeded up the hill.
Reaching the Fairy Fountain was no easy task, as the bridge had been destroyed and Link had to float his way across using his Deku leaf. Also, the forest had become infested with Morths.
"Ewww!" Link yelled, as he shook some of the creatures off of his body, "Why does this messed-up shit always have to happen to me?"
Link made his way through the wet and muddy forest, smacking Morths around with his sword and chopping down branches. He even had to fight off a couple of Mothulas, but no one wants to hear about that.
"Whew," said Link, sheathing his sword, "That was one epic battle! One for the history books! Now, where is that damn fountain?"
Link turned around and saw a huge boulder. In front of it was a sign that read "Fairy Fountain".
"I suppose I can spare a bomb," Link thought.
Link then ran up to the boulder and placed a bomb next to it before taking cover.
"Huh?" said Link, after a while, "What gives?"
Link observed the bomb and realized he had forgotten to light the fuse.
"Now, how the hell do am I supposed to light it if it's raining?" he asked, "Aw, fuck this!"
Link picked up several pebbles and hurled them at the dormant bomb. Suddenly, there was a huge explosion that sent Link flying back. After hitting a tree, Link passed out.
"Where am I?" Link asked, as he awoke in a strange realm.
"Welcome, Link," said a voice, "To my Fairy Fountain."
A tall, four-armed humanoid woman appeared before Link.
"Huh?" he said, "Who the fuck are you?"
"I am the Great Fairy," replied the woman.
"Wow," said Link, "This reminds me of a bad trip I had once."
"Here," began the fairy, "I shall bestow upon you great...Link! Are you listening to me?"
"Yeah, yeah," said Link, who was pissing in a small pond at the end of the room.
"This fountain is sacred, you asshole! Stop pissing in it before I snap your neck!"
Link zipped up his pants.
"Please," he said, "I've seen puddles that are more spectacular!"
"Ahem," said the fairy, "I will aid you on your quest by extending the size of your rupee purse."
"First off," began Link, "It's a man bag, okay? Second, how exactly will that help me?"
"You'll see..."
The fairy snapped her fingers and Link's purse - I mean, "Man-Bag" - Grew twice its size.
"Great," Link moaned, "I'm not a weightlifter, you know!"
"I hope you enjoy it," said the Fairy.
"Seeing as how you increased the size of the bag, but not the amount of rupees in it, I don't think I will."
"So long, hero. Please allow the fairies in this fountain ease your weariness. Come back any time if you need to replenish your energy."
With that, the Fairy disappeared
"Replenish my energy?" Link said, "What is this, a gas station?"
Link then made his way to the fountain and trapped one of the fairies in his bottle. Suddenly, the world began to spin around him.
"Woah," he said, "What the..."
Link awoke on the forest ground. A bird landed on his head and shat on him.
"Beautiful," said Link, "Just beautiful."
Link glanced at his bottle, which had a fairy floating around in it.
"Well isn't that weird," he noted, "Time to get the fuck outta here!"
Link found himself lying on top of a small bunk bed. After looking around for a bit, he rolled off and hit the floor.
"Must've walked right off the cliff again," he groaned.
"You!" said Zill, snorting a large wad of snot, "You burst my bubble again!"
"N-No," began Link, "I..."
"Hey," said Abe, walking into the room, "What's going on in here?"
"It was him!" said Link.
"Daddy?" said Zill, "You burst my bubble?"
"Burst your what?" asked Abe.
"You burst my bubble, daddy! Now, you gon' pay!"
Zill then kicked Abe in the balls.
"ACK!" he screamed, "My fucking testes!"
"Heh," Link chuckled, "Sucker."
Link fled the scene and made his way to Grandma's house
"Gram?" he said, as he stepped in through the door, "You there?"
Link found his Grandma sleeping in a rocking chair in the main room.
"Grandma," whispered Link, "It's me, Link."
"Aryll?" muttered Grandma.
"I'm sorry, she's still..."
Suddenly, Grandma ripped a huge fart.
"Wow," said Link, fanning the air, "What a way to kill the mood!"
"Link?" Grandma was now fully awake, "Is that really you? Where have you been?"
"Out searching for Aryll," Link replied.
"Oh, that's lovely. Did you pass by Uncle Reggie's house on the way back?"
"Gram, he's been dead for five years."
"The poor man..."
"'Poor'? Fucker touched me when I was five! But enough about him; here, I have something for you."
"Milk?"
"Oops, wrong bottle! Here..."
Link opened the bottle and the fairy flew out. It hovered near Grandma for a moment, sprinkling dust all over her.
"My goodness," said Grandma, "I've never felt so fucking alive!"
Grandma began doing backflips around the house.
"Geez," said Link to the fairy, "What the hell did you sprinkle on her? Roids?"
The fairy shrugged at Link before flying out the window.
"You poor boy," said Grandma, approaching Link, "You've been out there, all this time, trying to save your sister, while I've been here moaning and whining like a little bitch. Oh, I feel awful!"
"Now, Gram," said Link, "I wouldn't expect you to do anything at all to protect your grandchildren...That'd be too much of a strain on ya."
"Here, please take this red rupee. it's the least I can do for helping me."
"I don't know, Gram; I mean, there are an awful lot of 'supplies' I still have to buy in order to save Aryll. Plus, I did just get my pur - Man-bag - Enlarged."
"50 rupees?"
"Now we're talkin'. Make with the dough, granny!"
Grandma dug into her nearby purse and pulled out a purple rupee.
"Here," she said, handing Link the cash, "Please take it and spend it wisely. Oh, I love you so much, Link. Be sure to stop by again soon, okay?"
As Grandma leaned forward to kiss Link, Link grabbed the cactus and placed it in front of her, then headed for the door.
"Bye," he said, "Love ya!"
Link ran all the way back to the shore, where KORL awaited.
"Well?" said the boat.
"I did what I had to do," Link said, "Now let's go blow shit up, yeah?"