Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 8:
"BOOOOOOM! KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
With the stone slab blown to bits Link and KORL made their way into the grotto in the side of Outset Island.
"I don't get it," said Link, "Where the fuck is fish-boy?"
"One sec," said KORL, "Jabun? Helloooo?"
A enormous creature resembling an angler fish suddenly appeared from beneath the water. A lantern dangled from the antenna on its head.
"Bloom, bodroom?" asked Jabun.
"Come again?" said Link.
"Gamboo Lo," Jabun continued, "Juni Beroo?"
"He's speaking Hylian," whispered KORL, "Just let me do all the talking."
"'Kay," said Link.
"Yo, Jabie," said KORL, "My man. How's it been?"
"Ya Ku," replied Jabun.
"I see," said KORL.
"Bleeboo Bunu."
"Oh?"
"Porgo Hunji Poo!"
"I know."
"Kio Jara?"
"Yes."
"Unikio Era..."
"Listen, Ganondorf is looking for Zelda, and I believe that is why he created this storm. Can you help us break the curse?"
"Kiooooooo!"
Jabun then shook a bit, causing a large blue pearl to fly out of his lantern. Link caught it.
"Thanks a bunch, man," said KORL, "We'll be on our way now."
"Joho!" announced Jabun, before sinking back into the water.
"Um," said Link, "What exactly were you guys talking about?"
"Beats the hell outta me," said KORL, "I was just answering as I went along."
"Wow," said Link, "So much for letting you do the talking! You don't even know what the hell you were doing!"
"I got us the pearl, did I not? Now, let's get going. Our next task is to place the pearls in their respective spots. I've marked them on your map."
"You marked my map? How? You don't even have any arms! How in the fuck...?"
"I'll explain later. Let's just get going for now..."
After weeks of sailing, Link had successfully placed Din and Farore's pearls at their respective Triangle Islands. All that remained was Nayru's pearl.
"Oy, Link!" called a voice.
"Ugh," Link groaned, "It's those fuckers from Salvage Corp again. Spare me."
A small submarine with an attached cran approached Link. Sitting on it were four men, each donning a speedo and a diving helmet.
"By any chance," said their leader, "Would you be interested by any chance our latest haul? Our professional estimate places it at 2,000 years old. Gotta be worth something, right?"
Salvage Corp presented Link with a moldy, seaweed-covered vase.
"No, no, and NO!" snapped Link, "I don't want your stupid vase, or your fucking figureheads, or whatever the fuck else you've dug outta this Godforsaken ocean! You have been a pain my ass since Angular isles. Why don't you retards go bother someone else?"
"We're trying to buy an island," the leader replied, "So we can open a business on it..."
"Boo-fucking-hoo," said Link, "Why don't ya get a loan at the bank like a everyone else?"
For a moment, the members of Salvage Corp awkwardly stared at Link.
"What about this nice treasure chest filled with fish skeletons?" asked the leader, "How much would you pay for that?"
"That's it," said Link.
"Link," said KORL, "Don't even think about it..."
"Too late," said Link, "I've thought about it, and now I'm doing it!"
All of a sudden, a giant cannon popped out from inside the King of Red Lions.
"EEP!" the members of Salvage Corp screeched in unison.
Link fired a bomb straight at the Salvage Corp submarine, blowing a huge hole in it and causing it to sink rapidly.
"Well," said the leader, holding a white flag, "Into the depths we go. It was nice knowing you guys and...Blub, blub, blub..."
"Bye!" said the other guys, before disappearing as well.
"Christ almight!" said Link, "Glad that's over with. Now, time to place the final pearl."
"Link," said KORL, "Before you go ahead, I must warn you. The placing of the three pearls will result in a catastrophic event that will shake the world and permanently change the face of the Great Sea. I must ask that you be careful!"
"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya loud and clear," said Link as he stepped onto the island, "Well, here goes nothing!"
Link walked up to the small statue standing in the middle of the island and placed the pearl in its hands. As he did so, there was a rumble.
"Here it comes," said Link, "The catastrophic whatever that KORL was talking about..."
The rumbling stopped.
"Huh?" Link said, bewildered, "That was it? I guess that fucker was..."
The statue suddenly exploded, sending Link flying hundreds of feet in the air. The entire Great Sea began to shake violently as a large grey tower emerged from the water in the centre of the three Triangle Islands. Link, who was still flying, crashed into one of the walls surrounding this newly formed tower.
"Ow," he muttered.
As Link fell into the sea, KORL sailed right up next to him.
"Don't say it," said Link.
"Told ya so," said KORL.
"Fack! I said don't say it, you cock-sucking boat-fucker!"
After hopping into KORL, the two sailed inside of the tower
"So," began Link, "What is this, another grotto? Is there another fat fucking fish in here?"
"No," replied KORL, "This is the Tower of the Gods. Here, you will test your skills and prove to the gods that you are indeed worthy of being called a hero. Once you prove yourself a hero, then you will be able to defeat Ganon and reclaim your sister."
"That's a relief," said Link, "I don't know how much longer she can...Aw, fuck it. I'll just keep taking my time."
KORL sailed all the way to the end of the room, allowing Link disembark and step onto a platform.
"Good luck to you," said KORL.
"Yeah," said Link, "And good luck to you finding a parking spot in here."
Link climbed an endless series of stairs to reach the top. Once he was at the highest floor, he approached a large door and knocked.
"Yeeees?" said a voice.
"It's me, Link," said Link, "I'm here to do your little test."
"Oh that," said the voice, "I forgot you were coming. Hold on a minute!"
Link stood there, tapping his foot.
"All right," said the voice, "You may come in now."
Link opened the huge door and walked inside. The room was circular and had electrified walls. On the rear wall sat a statue consisting of a head and two hands.
"Welcome, young hero," said the voice, "It is now time to prove yourself worthy of being a hero. You have survived numerous battles and defeated many great foes. Now, you will face your greatest one yet...ME! MWAHAHAHA!"
"What's so funny?" Link demanded, "You like going around beating little children?"
"Nah, just trying to sound cool."
"Where are you anyways?"
"BEHOLD!" The giant statue broke off from the wall and hovered towards Link, "I am Gohdan!"
"How the hell am I gonna beat this thing?" wondered Link.
The monster approached Link and slammed one of its fists down. Link rolled to dodge it. The monster then slammed another fist down and tried to push Link into the electrical pit surrounding the arena.
"Oh no, you don't!" said Link.
Link leapt onto the disembodied hand and held tightly onto its thumb as it flew up into the air. Gohdan shook his hand violently to get Link to let go, but instead caused Link to fly off and land right on his face.
"Hold still, you little bastard!" snapped Gohdan.
Gohdan prepared to smack Link off. Link desperately climbed inside of Gohdan's nose for shelter, causing Gohdan to smack himself silly instead.
"Phew," said Link, "That was close! Wait, where am I?"
Link glanced around at the strange and colourful world he found himself in.
"Woah!" began Link, "Psychadelic..."
Link then saw a banana float by and immediately grabbed it.
"My grandma always told me never to eat food I found in a stranger's nose," said Link, "But fuck that, I'm hungry!"
Link peeled the banana and found it was full of spiders.
"EEK!" screamed Link.
Link shook them off his hand before running deeper into the colourful abyss. Eventually, he arrived at a large altar where a man in robes sat.
"Who are you?" demanded Link.
"I am the last person who attempted to clear the challenge of the gods," replied the man, "Like you, I realized that Gohdan couldn't be beaten, and so I climbed into his nose for shelter and have remained for centuries."
"Wow," said Link, "Talk about an epic fail."
"Fortunately, this fate does not have to befall you, child, for I have discovered a way to beat him. Here, take my bow and some arrows. Aim for Gohdan's eyes, including the ones on his palms. That is your ticket to victory."
The man handed Link a bow, along with a quiver of arrows.
"It took you that long to discover how to beat Gohdan?" Link cried, "Geez!"
"What?" said the man, "No! I realized how to beat Gohdan pretty much right away. The last few centuries, I've just been chilling. See, I had this talking boat as my companion and he wouldn't shut up about anything, and I just really needed to get away, ya know?"
"You don't say," muttered Link.
All of a sudden, the world began to shake.
"W-What's going on?" Link asked.
"Oh no!" said the man, "Not again! Hurry, child! You must escape from here, quickly!"
An enormous boulder made of snot landed in between Link and the man. Link screamed and began running back the way he came with the booger in pursuit.
"Holy shit!" said Link.
Link eventually reached the opening and made a flying leap.
"AAAAACHOOOO!" Gohdan sneezed Link and the booger out.
"Yo man," said Link, "You better get that nose of yours checked. You've got all sorts of things living in your nasal cavity..."
"Yeah," said Gohdan, "Well it hasn't been cleaned in over 10,000 years so...Yeah. Anyhow, let's get back to the battle!"
Gohdan tried to slam his hands down on Link, but Link rolled out of the way once more. Using his newfound bow, Link fired an arrow at one of Gohdan's hands, striking the small red eye in the centre of his palm.
"Yes!" said Link, "Right on the money!"
With one of his hands deactivated, Gohdan attempted the sweeping move again, but Link fired another arrow straight at the other red eye. With both hands gone, Gohdan closed his eyes and began to fire a deadly beam from his mouth.
"IMA FIRING MAH LAZOOOOR!" Gohdan screamed.
"Ugh," Link said, "So 2005!"
Link dodged the beam and with Gohdan's eyes closed, he was unable to fire his bow at them. However, this also meant that Gohdan couldn't see, and he crashed into one of the electrified walls.
"HA!" laughed Link, "DUMBASS!"
Gohdan turned around and attempted to charge Link, but before he could do anything, Link fired an arrow straight in one of Gohdan's eyes, causing the head to collapse.
"AAAHHH!" yelled Gohdan, "My eye! What have you done, you little..."
"Open wide," said Link, as he pulled out a huge bomb and tossed it into Gohdan's big, gaping mouth.
When the bomb exploded, Gohdan's head flew up into the air and crashed back onto the floor, sideways.
"So?" asked Link, "Did I win or what?"
"Please," Gohdan begged, "For the love of god man, no more!"
"Where's my portal outta here?"
Gohdan uttered an incantation, causing a portal to open up in the middle of the floor. Before stepping into it, Link kicked Gohdan in the face one last time.
"Ow!" he cried.
Link found himself on the roof of the Tower where a large bell stood. Link cautiously approached it.
"My grandma always told me to never ring strange bells," he said, "Ah well, fuck her."
Link pulled the cord near the bell, causing it to ring loudly. As the bell rang, a small yellow portal opened up near KORL, who was parked on the water just outside the tower's entrance.
"Link!" he called out, "Come down! We must step..."
Suddenly, Link jumped off the tower landed in the water next to KORL.
"Okay then," he said.
Link climbed onto his boat and the two disappeared into the yellow light.