Link's Windwaker Adventure!

Chapter 9:

"Link," said KORL, "Link...Wake up!"

Link, who was sleeping in the boat, slowly opened his eyes and sat up.

"Huh?" said Link, "How long was I out?"

"Not long," replied KORL, "We're almost there."

"Well," began Link, "It feels it's been months."

"That's probably because it's been forever since the author updated...But we're here now, so wake up and focus!"

"Wait a minute," Link frantically looked around, "I'm underwater! How the fuck am I breathing? How the fuck am I talking?"

"We are protected by a magic spell," replied KORL.

"Cool," said Link, lighting a cigar, "We totally raped the laws of physics!"

They eventually landed in a citadel. KORL parked himself in the moat surrounding a large castle.

"Is this the lost city of Atlanta?" asked Link.

"It's Atlantis," said KORL, "And no, we're in Hyrule."

"Atlantic City?"

"Atlantis!"

"Atlantica?"

"I just...You're fucking with me, aren't you?"

Link chuckled.

"Ahem," said KORL, "Once again, we are in the lost Kingdom of Hyrule, the very same place once protected by the Hero of Time."

"Well," said Link, "He didn't do a very good job of that, now did he?"

"It's a long story. It will all be explained to you later. I'm too tired now."

"Lazy fuck," muttered Link as he climbed out of the boat.

"All you have to do is find the Blade of Evil's Bane. It is located in a secret chamber that you can access in the middle of the main hall."

"Blade of Evil's what?"

"The Master Sword."

"Sweet!"

Link then drew his Hero's Sword and tossed it into the moat.

"You know," said KORL, "I'm sure you could've still used that."

"Eh," Link shrugged, "Anyways, catch ya later."

Link made his way through the castle foyer. There were Darknuts and Moblins all over the place, but they were frozen in time. At the centre altar stood a statue of Link's predecessor

"Well, well, well," said Link, "Who is this handsome man?"

"Yo," said a voice, "Pick up, Link!"

Link pulled the Pirate's charm out of his pocket.

"Goddamnit," snapped Link, "Didn't I throw this into the ocean months ago?"

"I went to fetch it while you were in the Forest Haven," said KORL, "This is a very useful tool that should not be so easily disregarded."

"Useful?" said Link, "Yeah, in giving me a fucking headache."

"Look around, Link," began KORL, "What do you see?"

"Typical Royal Excess," replied Link, "Oh, and a bunch of dudes that look like they're posing for the cover of Warrior Weekly."

"Next to the statue, there should be a switch. Pull it."

Link pulled a small switch near the statue of the Hero of Time, causing the statue to move aside and reveal a passage.

"Go into the passage," said KORL.

"Duh!" said Link, "Can't believe you called me just to tell me obvious shit! Man, fuck off!"

"Link," said KORL, "Wait!"

Before KORL could say anymore, Link tossed the stone aside and climbed down the stairs.

"Aaaah," said Link, "Come to papa."

Link approached the small pedestal that stood in the middle of the underground room. Suddenly, he heard a voice.

"Welcome, brave warrior," it said, "To your destiny. On this platform, you will find the very same sword used by the hero of time in the slaying of Ganon."

"Nice," said Link, "Can't wait to claim it for myself."

"Before you proceed," continued the voice, "We must first recite the Warrior's Prayer!"

"The what?" asked Link.

"The Warrior's Prayer is a sacred ritual performed before the young warrior claims the Blade of Evil's Bane."

"You're joking, right?"

"Afraid not. Now, pay attention. Blessed is he, who travels the land, purifying the evil, and destroying the dark ones..."

"Damn, this would be a lot easier of I payed attention in church all these years."

"Blessed is he who dons the green cloak and dances around like a little fairy boy."

"Hey! That wasn't my choice! If it were up to me, I'd be wearing a motorcycle jacket."

"Blessed is he who wields the Master Sword, beheading and mutilating all those evil sons of bitches before devouring their insides like a twisted, carnivorous wolf..."

"Geez, isn't that a little much?"

"Blessed is he..."

"Ah, shaddup! I'm fed up of all this bullshit. Just let me grab the sword already, yeah?"

"Fine, go ahead and grab your fucking sword. Who cares about tradition, right? Bah, kids these days!"

Link rolled his eyes and approached the sword. He spat on each hand and wiped them together. He then took a deep breath and placed both his hands and on the handle of the Master Sword.

"HIYA!" he cried.

Link pulled the sword with all his might. However, the sword was not lodged as deep as he initially though, causing him to lose balance and stumble.

"Oops," said Link, "Can I get a redo?"

There was no answer.

"Nevermind," said Link, "Forget it."

Link then swung his sword in the air for a moment.

"Woo-hoo!" he said, "This is gonna be fun!"

Link emerged from the underground room only to discover that every Darknut and Moblin in the castle had returned to life and were on the hunt for Link.

"Fuck me sideways," said Link.

Link readied his sword as the monsters surrounded him...

Will Link find a way out of this mess? Will Aryll ever be rescued? Will King of Red Lions find some way to occupy himself while Link wastes his time in the castle? Will Grandma stop being a pussy and do something to help her grandchildren? Find out next chapter in Link's Windwaker Adventure!