Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 10:
As KORL sat outside of Hyrule Castle, humming to himself and bobbing his head to the beat, Link suddenly appeared, covered in blood, sweat and bruises.
"You're back?" said KORL, "How'd it go?"
"Shut your fuckin' mouth," said Link, "You didn't tell me that all those fucking monsters in there would come back to life after I grabbed this piece of shit sword!"
"My bad," said KORL.
Link groaned as he stepped into the boat.
"You gotta admit," said KORL, "That is a pretty bitchin' sword, is it not?"
"Hell yeah!" said Link, swinging it around, "Makes killing bad guys so much more fun! Can't wait to use this baby some more. Oh, I know! Let's search the Great Sea for hidden caves and shit! Lotsa guys to kill there, right?"
"What about rescuing your sister?"
"Eh, that too."
When the duo reached the Fortress, it had conveniently turned night again and the spotlights were carefully examining the sea around them.
"We must devise a plan," said KORL.
"Haven't you learned anything?" said Link, "When you got bombs, you fuck the plan!"
"Link, wait..."
It was too late. Link had already opened the cannon and was pointing it at the fortress gate.
"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" he cried.
Link fired the cannon, forcing KORL to duck his head under the projectile. The bomb flew straight into the wooden gate, blasting it to pieces. The two quickly floated their way in.
"You gotta give me time to duck," said KORL, "Otherwise the bomb could hit the back of my head."
Link chuckled.
"Not funny, Link," KORL continued, "You know the explosion would've killed you too, right."
"Alright, alright," said Link, "Lemme just go and save Aryll, alright?"
"Be careful, they know you're here now."
"No worries. With my new master sword, no one will lay a finger on me. Ha!"
After disembarking, Link climbed the stairs and found himself on the central platform that was being scanned by several searchlights.
"Nyah, nyah!" Link taunted, "I ain't afraid of you anymore!"
Large cannons on the side of the fortress walls began firing bombs at Link.
"Oh shit!" Link began running for his life as the bombs landed near him.
"Mwahahaha!" laughed a voice.
"Who the fuck?" said Link.
Suddenly, a large, black figure appeared in front of Link. He resembled Ganondorf, though covered in shadow.
"I am Phantom Gannon," he said, "And I have come..."
"Yeah," said Link, running past him, "Good on you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to rescue my sister."
"Hey," snapped PG, "You little...ARGH!"
With Link now inside, his problems were far from over. Three Moblins greeted Link in the hallway.
"Prepare to become pork-chopped!" Link quipped, "God, who writes this shit?"
As the first Moblin swung his spear, Link narrowly avoided it by ducking. As the second Moblin tried to jab Link, Link rolled to the side and sliced off his legs. Link the stood up and stabbed the first Moblin in the gut, causing his guts to spill out.
"Nice," said Link.
The final Moblin held up his spear to block Link's oncoming blow, but Link surprised him by slicing through the spear using his Master Sword, then plunging it into his throat. Link then picked up the broken spear and used it to finish off the legless Moblin, who was desperately trying to stand back up. Link then placed the tip of the Master Sword against his lips and blew on it as though it were a smoking gun.
"There he is," said Phantom Gannon, who was standing at the door, "Stop him before he reaches Ganondorf! Hurry!"
"EEP!" Link cried.
Overwhelmed, Link fled the corridor and climbed upstairs and eventually arrived at a dead end. The door leading outside was on the other side of a large gap. With the Moblins in hot pursuit, Link knew he couldn't turn back.
"Fuck," he muttered, "What am I gonna do now?"
"Link?" said a voice, "Liiink..."
"Who the fuck is it now?" demanded Link.
"It is I, Nikko," the ghostly image of Nikko appeared before Link.
"Huh?" said Link, "Didn't you die a horrible, violent in your own stupid booby-trap?"
"Deathtrap," corrected Nikko.
"Whatever."
"You must remember your training, Link. Remember it!"
"Seeing as I am high, like, 24/7, there's very little I actually remember."
"You must swing to the other side, my friend."
Link observed the ceiling and saw a lantern hanging from it.
"You can do it," said Nikko, "Use the force!"
"Who do you think you are," said Link, "Vader?"
"Actually," sighed Nikko, "It's Obi-Wan Kenobi who..."
"Does it look like I fucking care? Buzz off, Casper!"
Niko disappeared as Phantom Gannon and the Moblins entered the room.
"Now, we've got you, boy," said PG, "There's nowhere to run!"
"Here goes nothing," said Link.
As the enemies rushed Link down, Link took a flying leap and grabbed onto the lantern, using it to swing to the other side. PG and the Moblins plummeted to the first floor with most dying from the impact. Phantom Gannon tried to stand up, but his spine was gruesomely twisted.
"Ow," he said.
Link laughed at their misfortune, then proceeded through the door. From there, he climbed the exterior staircase leading to where Aryll was being kept.
"This must be it," said Link, "Aryll, here I come...Again!"
Link kicked open the door. Inside were three Bokoblins sitting at a table, playing cards and drinking liquor.
"Alright scum," said Link, "Get ready, 'cause..."
"Buzz off," said one of the Bokoblins, "Can't you see we're on break?"
"Yeah," said another, "Go bother one of the Moblins on duty."
"I already killed most of them, actually," said Link, "Think you can tell me where my sister is being kept?"
"The door to your right," said the third Bokoblin.
"Thanks!"
Link ran off. From inside their hangout, the Bokoblins could hear Link screaming.
"Aryll?" he shouted, "You there, sis? I...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE?"
"That's a bathroom," yelled the Bokoblin, "I meant your other right, moron!"
Link passed in front of the room.
"Thanks," he said to the Bokoblins, "Someone should really fix that leak, by the way."
Link then ran to the appropriate door. He used his Master Sword as a crowbar to pry it open.
"Aryll?" said Link.
Link looked around. It was a massive cylindrical room with a storm drain built into the floor. The walls were lined with stairs In the right corner was a wooden cage in which Aryll and a young girl in a pink dress were being kept.
"Big Brother?" said Aryll, "It's about time you got your ass here, you lazy piece of shit!
"Hey!" snapped Link, "Shut your fat fucking bimbo face up before I take my sword and ass-rape you with it! It was a long difficult journey and I had to collect pearls and shit for some reason...Oh and the weather didn't always cooperate."
"Yeah, yeah," said Aryll, "Excuses, excuses."
"Do you know how much shit the author had to cut from this story so that I can get to you faster?" asked Link, "Besides, you're lucky I even came to get you. I could've left you here to rot, you self-centered whore!"
"Uh," said the other girl, "I don't mean to interrupt the, er, reunion, but we should really leave before some guards come."
"Well, well," said Link, approaching the girl, "My name's Link. And you are...?"
"Mila," replied the girl.
"Sexy name," said Link, "Wanna get together sometime?"
"Um," said Mila, "I don't think this is the right time..."
"Typical," said an all too familiar voice, "There's an important job to do, and all Link can think about is getting laid."
Link turned to the doorway and saw Tetra standing there, along with her pirates.
"Tetra?" said Link, turning his head in her direction, "Just when I thought this nightmare was over!"
"Geez," said Tetra, "Is there anyone you don't hate?"
"This gorgeous creature here," replied Link, stroking Mila's cheek through the bars, "I could tap that ass all night long! Bom-chika-wah-wah!"
Tetra rolled her eyes, then ordered her pirates to open the cell door.
"By the way, dumbass," she said, "That bird was about to come after you again, did you know that? Thank God we were here this time to stop it."
"I'm sure you could've stopped it last time too," said Link.
"Not really. I mean, maybe, but...Look, your sister is safe now and that's all that matters!"
Link scoffed and looked away. As he did so, Tetra noticed his Master Sword.
"Is that...Is it true...How can this be?..." she asked.
"That's right," said Link, "Suck it in, baby! The fucking Master Sword, in the flesh."
"Not that," said Tetra, "I was talking about your scabbard. Is that real Lon-Lon leather? It's beautiful!"
Link sighed.
"Are we ready to go?" asked Gonzo.
"Wait," said Mila, "We're missing someone. That brown-haired girl...Maggie?"
"There's someone else?" asked Link, "Aw, fuck me!"
"A Moblin came and took her to the bathroom," said Aryll, "But that was hours ago!"
"Wait a minute," said Link, approaching a nearby closet.
When Link opened it, he saw Maggie having sex with a Moblin.
"Aw, fuck!" screamed Link, "Just when I thought I've seen it all!"
"Oh," said Maggie, between breaths, "You're here to save me? Er, this is Moe. He's my, uh, 'friend'."
"'Friends' don't fuck each other in closets," snapped Link, "Now, put some clothes on and get your ass moving! We're wasting time!"
Link pulled Maggie out of the closet.
"I'll always love you," said Moe, reaching out to Maggie.
"Moe," she called out, "Wait for me..."
"Nuh-uh," said Link, "Not happening."
Link then stabbed Moe in the gut, killing him.
"Moe?" whispered a horror-stricken Maggie.
"Get these bitches outta here," ordered Link.
"Hey," said Tetra, "I'm the captain here. I'm the one who gets to order my men around, got it?"
"Fine."
"Alright guys, you heard the boy in green! Let's get these bitches outta here! Come on, move!"
Three of the pirates hoisted the girls over their shoulders and carried them out. As Aryll left, she flipped Link off.
"Listen, Link," began Tetra, "That bird is coming back soon. We were only able to hold it off for so long."
"No problem," said Link, "I'm sure the two of us can take it!"
"Actually," said Tetra, "I have to help my guys out, but good luck to you!"
As Tetra headed for the exit, Link ran to her.
"Get your fat ass back here, bitch!" he snapped, "You fucking little..."
"Bye!" Tetra laughed.
By the time Link reached the door, Tetra slammed it shut in his face, locking him in.
"I hope your boat sinks," Link yelled through the door, "Or get hits by a cyclone!"
Just then, he heard a noise and looked up. There, he saw the Helmaroc King descend into the room through the open skylight and let out a piercing screech.
"Fuck that," said Link.
Link ran straight for the stairs and climbed as fast as he could. On the way up, the massive bird would occasionally strike at Link, destroying the staircase behind him. Worse still, water was pouring in through the storm drain, flooding the room.
"Damn," said Link, "Gotta keep moving!"
Several Bokoblins in Link's way and tried to attack. Link knocked them down with his sword and continued making his way up. Eventually, he reached the roof. The Helmaroc King soon joined Link for sealing the skylight. The bird let out another screech before flapping its wings violently, creating a hurricane-like wind. Link planted his sword into the ground and held on tightly to avoid flying into the spike pit that surrounded the battlefield.
"I ain't going down that easily," said Link.
The Helmaroc King gave up and dove towards Link. Link rolled out of the way and watched as it flew off in the distance.
"He'll be back," said Link, "And when he comes, I'll be ready..."
Link pulled out his bow and aimed for the bird though he was unable to steady his hand.
"Fuck," said Link, "I need something to calm my nerves, or I'll never hit that fucker!"
Link then pulled out a joint and inhaled it
"Aaaaaah," said Link, "That's the stuff. Aw, man, where am I? What was I doing again? Aw, sweet, look how high up I am!"
The Hemaroc King made another dive for Link
"Woah," said Link, "Is that Big Bird?"
As the Helmaroc King let out another screech, Link tossed his joint into the bird's beak, then watched as came to a halt.
"Aw maaan," said Link, "Poor thing's a lightweight. 'Sup, buddy? You ain't gonna puke are ya?"
The bird just laughed and staggered around.
"Heheh," said Link, "Puke. Like that word?"
The big bird laughed so hard that it began squealing.
"You like to laugh, huh?" asked Link, "Here's a joke; what do you call a plant that grows out of a woman's cunt? Give up? A Vag-table! Get it?"
The Helmaroc King was now laughing so hard that it could no longer see where it was going. It tripped over the edge and plummeted from the tower, cracking his head open as he hit the ground.
"Duuuude," said Link, "Gnarly!"
Link then shook his head, snapping himself back to reality.
"Alright, where was I?" he said, "Right, time to get that perv, Ganondorf!"
Link then ran up the stairs to big man's chamber.