Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 11:
Link finally made it up to Ganondorf's room in the hollowed-out shipwreck at the very top of the fortress. Upon arriving, Link pounded furiously on the door.
"Ganon!" called Link, "Open this door, you son-of-a-bitch!"
There was no answer.
"Fine," continued Link, "Then I'll break it down!"
Link backed up and charged the door. At the same time, Ganon opened it, causing Link to trip and fall flat on his face.
"Couldn't have waited another second?" he asked, "Geez."
Ganon turned and walked slowly inside. Link stood up and followed him.
"Ganon," he said, "I have set the kidnapped girls free and thwarted your plans. Now, surrender! And don't try anything funny, cause I have the Master Sword!"
"Fool," said Ganon, "That sword won't give you the power you need to stop me!"
"It won't?" Link asked, dumbfounded, "Fuck, then I wasted my time!"
"Indeed you have," continued the Great King of Evil, "For you see, that wretched sword acted like a key for all these centuries, blocking me from accessing my true power. Now that you have drawn it from the stone, I am back to full strength!"
"Don't care," said Link, "I'm still taking you out, and your fucking parrot won't be around to save you this time!"
Link charged the big man as fast as he could. The next thing he knew, Ganon was holding him up by throat.
"Put me down," snapped Link, "You fat fucking pedophile!"
"Not until I read you a bedtime story," said Ganon, "Mwahaha!"
"NOOO!"
Ganon then sat on a large armchair and forced Link onto his lap. He grabbed a small goblet off of a nearby table and held it to Link's lips.
"Here you go, boy," he said, "Have some of my 'Jesus Juice'. It's delicious, yum, yum!"
"No," said Link, gulping it down, "My one true weakness...Alcohol!"
"That's been drugged," added Ganon.
Link stopped resisting and hung his head low as Ganon pulled out a book.
"My favourite book," he said, "The Little Boy Who Climbed the Hill."
Ganon wrapped one arm around Link while the other held the book up in front of Link's face.
"You'll never get away with this," Link said wearily.
"Shut up, boy!" snapped Ganon, "Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Timmy who wanted to climb the big hill in his back yard. However, the hill was far too tall, and poor little Timmy was scared that he would fall and hurt himself..."
As Ganon read, he placed his free arm on Link's knee and slowly made his way up.
"No," muttered Link, "For the love of God, no..."
Just then, Tetra burst in.
"Hold it right there, Ganon," Tetra, "Link, I...What in the fuck?"
Ganon dropped Link and the book.
"He drugged me," said Link, from the floor, "And then he read me a bedtime story, the fucking pervert!"
"This is fucked up," said Tetra, "You're going down!"
Tetra then charged at Ganon with her shitty little dagger. Sure enough, Ganon had her by the throat, as with Link earlier.
"Put me down, you asshole!" cried Tetra, as she struggled to break free.
"Tried that before," said Link, "Didn't really work..."
"Yeah?" said Tetra, "A warning would have been nice."
"Silence!" Snapped Ganon, "For your intrusion, you too will be forced to...What the?"
The Triforce on the back of Ganon's hand began to glow.
"Could it be?" said Ganon, "At long last, I have found you, Princess Zelda!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Tetra, "My name's Tetra, and I'm a pirate!"
"You cannot run from your destiny, Princess!"
"Liiiink" Tetra whined, "Heeelp! This weirdo's making assumptions about me...Link? Link!"
Link was preoccupied with the goblet of Jesus Juice that Ganon left on his desk.
"Mmm!" said Link, taking a swig, "Now, that is the shit!"
"Fuck you and help me," snapped Tetra, "You fucking drunkard!"
"Me, me, me!" Link said in a mocking tone,, "Always about what you want! One of these days..."
Before Link could finish his sentence, he was swept away by an unseen figure. Before Tetra could react, she too was swiped right out of Ganon's hands.
"What the hell is going on?" demanded Ganon.
Just then, the Great Valoo appeared at Ganon's window.
"Now what?" the big man asked.
The dragon unleashed its fire breath onto Ganon's chamber, completely obliterating it, before taking off.
Later, Link awoke to find himself on the back of KORL along with Tetra, who was still unconscious. They were outside the Tower of the Gods, with Quill and Komali hovering above them.
"Link," said KORL, "Are you okay?"
"No, I am not okay, you fucking pile of splinters!" snapped Link, "I almost got raped by the King of Evil. Oh, and so much for the Master Sword being the key to saving the world! It made Ganon stronger! I could have died thanks to you!"
"I took you to the Forsaken Fortress to rescue your sister," began KORL, "I didn't say anything about going upstairs to fight Ganondorf. If you could just listen to me for a change..."
Link was fast asleep.
"Aw fuck it," said KORL, "We have bigger issues."
"Yeah," said Komali, "Like how that bastard threatened me at gunpoint! What kinda sick fuck..."
"Excuse me?" said KORL, "Next time someone asks you for a mythical item that is needed to save the world, I'd suggest you give it up immediately!"
"Fuck you guys," said Komali, "I got my wings and nothing can stop me now! WHEEEE!"
Komali flew around the outer area of the tower of the gods before crashing into one of the stone pillars and passing out.
"Oh," said Quill, "The poor boy is still adjusting. Speaking of which, I have to return home and adjust my eye shadow. The heat from the Great Valoo's fire totally melted the make-up and now I look like a crack-whore! Sol long and good luck!"
KORLwatched as Valoo and the Ritos flew off into the distance.
"They're gone?" asked Link, waking up from his nap.
"Yup," replied KORL.
"Good, they're annoying."
"Can you do me a favour and wake up Tetra?"
Link responded by kicking Tetra in the ribs as hard as he could.
"OW!" snapped Tetra, "The fuck is your problem?"
"KORL has something to show us!" replied Link.
"We are returning to the world under the sea," replied KORL, "And I need the two of you awake for that."
"Is he joking?" asked Tetra.
"Look at him," said Link, "Does he look like he jokes around?"
"He's a boat..."
"Whatever," KORL interjected, "I'm taking you down! Let's go!"
KORL dove underwater and in minutes, they were in Hyrule once again.
"Now Tetra," said KORL, as Link and Tetra stepped ashore, "If you want answers, Link will show you to the secret room. He knows how to get there from before."
"Fine," said Tetra, "This had better be worth it."
"I'm sure it will be," said Link, "KORL always has something fun cooked up for me. Now, can you help me find my keychain? I think I dropped it around here last time I..."
"Can you just take me into the Castle, you stupid brainhead?"
"That's about the smartest thing I've heard all day. Alright, let's go!"
Link led Tetra into the castle. Suddenly, a voice came from Link's charm.
"Whaddya want?" said Link.
"Don't forget," said the voice, "in order to open the passage, you must press the switch..."
"Hey," snapped Tetra, "Who is this, and why are you using my charm? Do you realize what my long distance bill is going to be?"
"Come down and you will see who I am," replied the voice.
Link activated the switch and opened the statue. After climbing into the basement, there was a lone man standing in the centre of the room donning red robes and a crown.
"Who are you?" asked Tetra, "Are you the guy using my Charm? Cause if you are..."
"Perhaps it's time," said the man, "To invest in a cell phone..."
The man then turned around. Upon realizing he was a king, Tetra and Link immediately took a knee.
"Your heinie," began Link.
"Your highness," corrected the King.
"Your heinous," continued Link, "Please excuse my bitch of a friend, she...Hey, wait a sec, we don't have a king! We are a democratic (And partially Naziist) state! What gives?"
"Link," said the King, "Do you not recognize the sound of my voice?"
"Father? Is that you? After all these years..."
"No, no, no," said the King, "Not this time. Maybe in a later Zelda game."
"Oh," said Link, "Well, in that case, you sound like my boat."
"Exactly," said the King, "It is I, King Of Red Lions in my true form. You may call me Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, King of Hyrule! I wanted to wait until the time was right to reveal my true identity."
"Pretty cool," said Link, "How exactly do you transform?"
"Magic," replied Daphnes.
"Sweet, I love magic! Can you show me a trick?"
The King sighed and held out a bunch of cards.
"Pick a card," he said.
Link grabbed a random card from the deck.
"Do not show me," said Daphnes, "In fact, put it in your pocket."
The king then backed off and tossed all the cards into the air. As they came back down, he caught one and showed it to Link.
"Is this your card?" he asked Link.
"Yeah," Link replied, "But how is that..."
Link reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog turd.
"Real mature," he said.
"Excuse me," said Tetra, "Sorry to interrupt your little magic show, you promised us answers. Let's start with why Ganon called me 'Zelda', yeah?"
"Once upon a time," Daphnes began, "Hyrule was a prosperous and peaceful land. But one day, Ganondorf, then one of my servants, was caught sexually molesting the little girls and boys around the palace."
"That sicko!" snapped Link.
"He was eventually caught," Daphnes continued, "And sentenced to two whole days in jail."
"Two days?" said Tetra, "Wow, that's more than what most pedophiles get nowadays!"
"Exactly," said Daphnes, "After his release, he was pissed at the world and vowed to transform Hyrule into a land of darkness. His one true goal, however, was to find Princess Zelda and like, totally rape her. Alas, the King of Evil was defeated by a boy clothed in green. Peace had been restored to the land, but not for long, for when Ganon returned, the boy was nowhere to be found."
"Where did he go?" asked Link.
"I don't know," said Daphnes, "There are some cool theories you can read online about timelines and shit. Anyhow, as I was saying, the boy was gone, and without any other way to stop Ganon's rampage, I struck a deal with the gods. We ultimately decided to flood the world, killing millions of people in the process, but at the same time, sealing Hyrule from him. A select few individuals were chosen to start a new life on the mountains. In case you didn't realize, those mountains are now the 'islands' that your people inhabit."
"I see," said Link, "But Ganondorf is back, and with just a small handful of people living on mountains, we're kinda worse off than we were before, no?"
"You're absolutely right," said Daphnes, "We fucked up, big time. But with all of the media pressure I was under, and not to mention, my aunt's birthday party coming up, I needed a quick solution and that was the best I could think of."
"Was your aunt's birthday good at least?"
"She died in the flood."
"Sorry, guys," interrupted Tetra, "But what does all this have to do with me being Zelda?"
"You may be a pirate, but you are actually descended from royalty. As such, you bear the Triforce of Wisdom, which Ganon needs for his plan to restore Hyrule."
Tet - Er, Zelda - Simply stared in shock.
"Yeah," said Link, "I think she's had enough for today, what with all the stories of drowning and rape. You should turn back into a boat, (Or better still, a jet fighter) so we could be on our way..."
"Do not be so hasty, Link," said the king, "Zelda, show me your necklace."
Zelda pulled out her necklace, which consisted of a small golden triangle and held it up to the King. The King used a piece of his own to repair the necklace and make it whole again. The process engulfed Tetra in a beam of light, transforming her into a Princess.
"Wow," said Link, "That's the kind of crazy shit you usually see in animes...Woah!"
Link admired Zelda's stunning new dress and whistled.
"A-Ooga, A-Ooga!" he said, "Just as I was getting fed up of staring at your ugly face, you turn fucking hot!"
"Shut up, Link!" snapped Daphnes, "You're killing the mood."
Zelda examined her new outfit and hairstyle.
"I...I..." began Zelda.
"I know it is a lot to handle," began Daphnes, "But we must protect you from Ganondorf at all costs, for if he catches you, it will not only mark disaster for you, but for the kingdom I have spent centuries protecting."
"Oh well," said Link.
"And you, Link," said the King, "I am sorry that you got caught up in events. But now that you're here, you better finish the job, or so help you!"
"Geez," said Link, "Alright, alright!"
"Zelda," continued Daphnes, "You must stay here for now, where it's safe, understood?"
"But..." began Zelda.
"Seriously," said Link, "Do what the old man says."
"Shut the fuck up, you cock-sucking loser!"
"Hey! That is no way for a princess to talk, you ass-licking whore! Now where the hell did the Daph man go?"
"He must have teleported outta here. No doubt he was fed up of hearing your shit."
"Well then, I better get going. See ya!"
As Link headed for the stairs, Zelda called out to him.
"Wait!" she said, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for everything that's happened. It's all my fault."
"You better believe it," said Link.
"If only there was some way to make it up to you..."
"Actually, there is."
Link leaned towards Zelda, as if to give her a kiss. Suddenly, he grabbed her boob.
"Honk, Honk!" he said.
Zelda responded by slapping Link across the cheek.
"Bastard," she muttered.
As Link fled the room, he clutched his aching cheek and laughed out loud.