Link's Windwaker Adventure!

Chapter 12:

With Daphnes back in boat form, he and Link once again sailed the seas, in search of their next destination.

"Couldn't you have transformed into a tank or something?" asked Link.

"How many tanks do you know of that run on water?" asked KORL.

"Just saying," said Link, "Be a little creative next time. So, where are we off to?"

"In order to defeat Ganondorf, we must first power up your Master Sword and restore it to its former glory."

"And how are we gonna do that?"

"We'll start by heading there."

Off in the distance was a massive cyclone.

"Motherfucker..." began Link.

Within seconds, the two were swept up and sent spinning. Link awoke some time later in a small pond surrounded by large cliff walls. A small forest surrounded the pond.

"Woah," said Link, "How did we get here?"

"Magic," replied KORL.

"Is that your answer to everything?" asked Link, "And how come this place reminds me of that fairy fountain I went to before?"

"Because, little one," said a voice, "It is a fairy fountain!"

"Link looked up and saw a ghostly figure appear right on top of him. She appeared as a small child and was carrying a doll resembling a Great Fairy.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Link, "It's the Ghost of Christmas Past! I'm really sorry! I promise I will repent for all my misdeeds...Shortly after I finish this."

Link pulled out a blunt and inhaled.

The little girl chuckled, "No silly, I'm not a ghost. I am the Queen of fairies, and I am in charge of all the fairy fountains of the Great Sea. I wish to aid you."

"Yeah," began Link, "That's what they all say. Hey, wait a minute! If you're a Queen, how come you look like a little girl?"

"Though I may appear young, I am actually over 10,000 years old!"

"Damn!" said KORL, "You gotta give me the name of your plastic surgeon!"

"Shut up, boat-face," said Link, "Now, my idiot friend here sent me to this cesspool for a reason. What do you have for me?"

"First," said the Queen, "I shall give you an arrow upgrade. Behold!"

The Queen blew some rotten flower petals all over Link. Link examined his quiver and found he now possessed fire and ice arrows.

"I see," he said, "What am I supposed to do with these?"

"Use your imagination," replied the Queen, "Oh, and I have something else for you."

The Queen whistled loudly, summoning a group of men.

"Who the fuck?" asked Link.

"My name's Beedle," replied one of the men, "And these are my boys from Great Sea Customs! We about to pimp your sword!"

"Pimp my what?" asked Link.

"Your sword, man!" said Beedle, "Check it, my boys and I are gonna make sure that baby's working at 110%, got it?"

"Sweet," said Link, "I can handle that!"

"Just give us a an hour or two," said Beedle.

And so, each man was assigned to a particular task:

Task 1:

Beedle approached Canon, who was wearing a steel mask and holding a welding torch.

"This is my homie, Cannon," said Beedle, "He's currently working on...Wait, what are you working on exactly?"

"Beats the hell outta me," said Cannon.

Cannon then lowered his mask and began to weld.

Task 2:

"My name's Carlov," said Carlov, "And I'm sculpting a new handle for the sword!"

"Can I see?" asked Beedle.

"Here," said Carlov, holding up the sword, "Check it out! I sharpened the handle so that's it just as sharp as the blade. Now, both ends of the sword can be used to damage enemies in a pinch."

"I see, but we don't want Link to hurt his own hand either."

"Damn, you're right! Back to the drawing board!"

Task 3:

"Ho-Ho's the name," said Old Man Ho-Ho, "And I just finished painting this motherfucker!"

"And I'm Manny," said Manny, "I'm in charge of accessories. Check out the fuzzy dice hanging from the bottom of the hilt."

"How original," said Ho-Ho, sarcastically, "The lightning bolt design I painted on the blade is way sweeter than fucking dice!"

"Oh yeah? Then how about the ear-busting stereo system I installed into the cross-guard? Music on the go, baby!"

"Yawn," said Ho-Ho.

"Well then, you're gonna like this! A widescreen T.V. and a PS3 built right into the scabbard!"

"And you waited this long to tell me? Break out the controllers, man! Let's go!"

Manny and Ho-Ho then plugged in two controllers and began to play a racing game on a screen in the sword's holster

Task 4:

"Lastly," said Beedle, "The most important task of all is for the Wind and Earth sages to say their prayers and reawaken the energy within."

"Now," said Medli, "We're gonna play the song together, just like we rehearsed. Got it?"

"Yup," replied Makar.

Medli strummed her harp, while Makar played his violin. In response, the sword began to glow.

"You're not playing fast enough," snapped Medli, "Try and keep up, asshole!"

"I'm playing as fast as I can," said Makar, strumming quickly, "I think you need to slow down!"

In his frenzy, Makar accidentally stabbed Medli in the eye with his violin bow.

"AAAAGH!" screamed Medli, clutching her bloody face, "I'm gonna kill you, you little shit!"

"EEP!" Makar ran for his life.

The Reveal:

"We're done," said Beedle, "And now, it's time for the big reveal!"

Beedle escorted Link into the room while keeping his eyes covered.

"I swear to God," warned Link, "You better have washed this hand."

Beedle then removed his hand from Link's eyes. Ho-Ho held both the sword and scabbard up to Link.

"OH BOY!" Link cried, jumping up and down, "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!"

Link leapt onto Beedle and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Ew," said Beedle, "Yeah, time to get off now."

"Hey!" shouted KORL, from the background, "How about pimping me now?"

"Shaddup ya red piece of shit," said Link.

"Awwww..."

"Go on," said Beedle, "Give it a test run."

Link grabbed the sword and began swinging it around, accidentally chopping Makar to pieces.

"Oops," said Link, "Heh, he looks like a salad."

"Not funny!" said Medli, "He was your friend! And speaking of which, you owe me for leaving me behind at..."

Link then chopped her head off.

"Wow," said Link, "This thing really is awesome!"

"Well," said Beedle, "It looks like my job here is done. If you're ever having trouble with your sword, just call Great Sea Customs and ya never know - We might just swing by and pimp it. See ya!"

Disclaimer: "Pimp My Sword" is a Registered Trademark of HTV (Hylian Television). We are in no way affiliated with "Pimp My Boat," "Pimp My Tool Shed," "Pimp My Pig," or any other knock-off reality television program bearing a similar title. "Pimp My Sword" is open only to residents of the Great Sea, excluding those from Forsaken Fortress and Angular Isles. Swords that cannot be pimped include, but are not limited to: Zweihanders, Claymores, and light sabers, as well as any non-bladed, two-handed weapons, including mallets, maces and clubs (See: "Pimp my Blunt Object"). Keep all swords away from children. "Pimp my Sword" and HTV are not responsible for any injuries sustained by the wielder (Or by anyone near the wielder) from using the newly pimped sword, or from any of the installments added to the sword. Pimped swords are not recommended for use one week following their upgrade.

Link suddenly found himself back in the Fairy Fountain.

"So," said the Queen of Fairies, appearing before him, "How do you like it?"

"Where did everybody go?" asked Link, "Nevermind. I am lovin' it! Can't wait to stab Ganon in his fat gut with this baby."

"That's great, little one," said the Queen, "Now, head on out there and do us proud!"

"Call me little one again," said Link, "And I'll slit your throat, bitch!"

"Tee-hee," giggled the Queen, "You're cute...I like you."

"Grow yourself a set of tits and a nice ass, and then we'll talk."

"Farewell, Link!"

The Queen vanished, but not before teleporting Link and KORL outside of the island's boundaries.

"Awesome," said Link, "Now we can go find Ganon and kick his ass, and be home in time for Aryll's weekly beating."

"Actually," said KORL, "First we gotta reassemble your Triforce of Courage. Ganon has the Triforce of Power, while Zelda's is wisdom. With the Triforce, we will be able to safely reenter Hyrule Castle."

Link sighed, "There's always something. It can never be smooth sailing."

"Afraid so," said KORL, "The shards are scattered throughout the Great Sea. We just gotta keep our eyes peeled for 'em."

"I can't just randomly search the sea! Do you have any idea how long that would take?"

"Maybe if you had a Triforce chart."

"And where would I find that?"

"Bope."

"Did somebody say chart?" said a voice.

"Aw," said Link, rubbing his head, "Fuck my life."

The members of Salvage Corps, having survived their shipwreck, approached Link in a rowboat.

"Whatever you losers want to sell," Link began, "I'm not interested."

"Really?" asked the leader, holding a rolled-up map, "Cause we overheard you talking about triumph forks, and..."

The leader unrolled the map, revealing a grid. Several of the squares were marked with Triforces.

"Gimme, gimme, gimme!" said Link, reaching to grab it.

"Not so fast," said the leader, "You owe us for that boat you destroyed!"

"Fine," said Link, "I'll give you all the rupees you need. Just name your price."

Another member of Salvage Corp placed glassed over his diving helmet began crunching numbers in a calculator.

"With repair costs," he began, "Hospital bills and the cost of this replacement rowboat, you're looking at 45,000 rupees!"

"What?" yelled Link, "Fuck no!"

"No money," said the leader, "No map."

The men then rowed away.

"Where the fuck am I gonna get that kind of money?" asked Link.

"We can always try Windfall," suggested KORL, "Seems to be a town of opportunity. Otherwise, we can just go to various islands and chop up pots and grass."

"Fuck that," said Link, "To Windfall it is!"