Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 13:
By the time Link reached Windfall, it was nighttime.
"Ugh," said Link, "Night again? Can't I catch a break?"
"Not scared of the dark, are you?" laughed KORL, "Now listen, we need that money as quickly as possible, so we can buy the chart, alright?"
"Don't worry," Link assured, "I know just where to look!"
As Link made his way to Zunari's stall, he passed a young girl in tattered rags.
"Hey, baby," he said, "How much you go for?"
"I'm not a hooker," said the girl, "Leave me alone!"
"So what's a fine young thing like you doing out here then?" asked Link, "Wait a minute! Aren't you one of the girls from the Forsaken Fortress?"
"Shoo, get lost!"
"A thanks (Or a blow job) would be nice for saving your ass!"
Mila ignored Link and ran off.
"Bitch," muttered Link, "Hm, I wonder where she's off to."
Link stalked Mila closely as she ran down the deserted Windfall streets. Occasionally, she would stop and look around to make sure that no one was following her, forcing Link to hide behind cover.
"Oooh," said Link, "I'm like a blonde James Bond. Wait, there already is a blonde James Bond. Fuck."
Mila then ran under the town gate and turned the corner.
"Let's see what you're up to," said Link, turning the corner as well.
When Link reached the other side, he found Mila staring straight at him.
"Uh-oh," thought Link, "Now what?"
The two stared awkwardly at each other for a few seconds.
"Meow," Link said.
"Huh," said Mila, "Just a cat."
Mila then continued to run.
"Heh," chuckled Link, "Dumbass."
Mila led Link back to Zunari's stall, where she stopped. From a distance, Link watched her trying unlock Zunari's safe.
"That little whore," thought Link, "That was my plan! How dare she take what I was supposed to take! She's gonna get it."
Link entered the stall and approached Mila.
"Halt!" ordered Link, "In the name of the law!"
"Holy crap!" said Mila, jumping up, "You startled me! You again? What are you doing here?"
"I am a defender of justice," replied Link, "Here to take you down for attempted robbery...And for stealing my heart."
Link then winked.
"Ew," said Mila, "If you have nothing interesting to say, then get out of my way. My family's become dirt-poor ever since I was rescued from the Forsaken Fortress with my daddy having blown all of his money trying to find me."
"So now you steal to make ends meet?" asked Link.
Mila shrugged.
"Mila," Link spoke calmly as he placed a hand on her shoulder, "I know life is tough now, but you'll adjust. Just don't give up! Stealing is never the answer."
Mila looked away and began whimpering.
"That was so beautiful," she said, wiping her eyes "I promise never to steal again!"
"Good," said Link, "Now, move the fuck outta my way!"
Link shoved Mila aside and bent down.
"Good," said Link, playing with the lock, "You almost cracked it!"
"But what about everything you just said?"
"Fuck what I just said! I need dough, fast! The fate of the world is at..."
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" shouted a voice.
Link and Mila turned around and spotted Zunari pointing a double-barreled shotgun at them.
"You have five seconds to leave my store," he ordered, "You filthy hooligans!"
"Shit," said Link, "Quick, get your ass over here! I need a human shield!"
Link grabbed Mila by the shoulders and tried to pull her in front, though she put up a resistance.
"Ack!" she yelped, "Fuck off, elf boy!"
Zunari fired his gun, blasting Mila's head to bits, while Link dove over the counter and landed on the street. Chunks of brain matter splattered all over Link.
"Ugh, gross!" he said.
"Get back here, you rascal!" shouted Zunari.
The shopkeeper fired a second shot, narrowly missing Link. Link fled the scene and entered the nearest available shop.
"Help!" he cried, "This crazy Eskimo guy is trying to...Aw, fuck! Not this place again."
Link glanced around and realized he was in Salvatore's game shop once again.
"Welcome to my shop," said Salvatore, in his low, monotone, "Now open extra late, so you can (Yawn) have fun all night long."
"Hm," Link pondered, "Maybe I can earn some cash here. How much for a game?"
"Ten rupees," replied Sal.
"This had better be worth it," said Link, placing the money on the counter.
"Do you want me to explain the rules?" asked Sal.
"I'm fine," replied Link, "Let's just get this show on the road!"
Sal placed a miniature cannon on the counter, which Link grabbed hold of. link's goal was to randomly shoot rubber balls at the grid across from him to uncover Giant Octos.
"Ready, then?" said Sal, "Go!"
Link fired once.
"Sploosh!" said Sal.
Then, he fired again.
"Sploosh!"
And again.
"Sploosh!"
"Fuck this shit," said Link, pointing the cannon at Sal's head.
Before Sal could react, Link fired, knocking him out cold.
"Kaboom," said Link.
Link then opened Sal's cash register and took all the rupees that were inside.
"This should be more than enough," he chuckled.
Link returned to the Mother and Child Isles, where Salvage Corp. was waiting.
"You got the cash?" asked the leader.
"Yup," replied Link, "Though in order to get it, I had to do a lotta shit I'm not very proud of. Aw, who am I kidding? Everything I do fills me with pride!"
"Good. Fork over the dough."
Link tossed a bag of money over to Salvage Corp. In exchange, they then handed Link their map.
"Hey," said Link, "What the fuck is all this gibberish?"
"Yeah," said the leader, "We forgot to mention that the chart is written entirely in ancient Hylian. But I'm sure there's someone out there who knows how to translate it."
"Well, you guys better find me someone!"
"Sorry, kid. We gotta head out and buy ourselves a new boat. See ya!"
"Bye," said the other guys.
As Salvage Corp sailed away, Link sighed in frustration.
"Perhaps we should start looking around?" suggested KORL.
"Sure," said Link, unzipping his pants, "But first, I gotta tinkle...Wait a sec, that's it!"
"What?"
"Remember, if you ever need help with a map..."
"Tingle," said Link, "This guy I busted from prison during my previous trip to Windfall? He might be able to figure out this map."
"So," began KORL, "Where is he?"
Link pulled out the crayon drawing that Tingle had given.
"Quadrant C-3," he said.
Link didn't have to travel very far to find Tingle Island. The island was tiny and consisted solely of a tall totem pole with a circular platform at the top. The platform was shaded by a perpetually rotating conical roof painted to resemble Tingle. The lawn surrounding the totem pole was poorly maintained and covered in discarded candy wrappers and smashed beer cans.
"Looking at this place makes me wanna puke," muttered Link, "I better get this thing deciphered fast so we can split!"
Link approached the totem and climbed the ladder leading up to the platform.
"Hello?" he said, upon reaching the top.
Link looked around and saw two small men pushing a wooden handle around in circles (Which is what caused the roof above to spin). Tingle was seated in a small chair at the other while another man shined his shoes. Everyone in the tower wore tight jumpsuits of varying colours, causing Link to shudder.
"Link?" said Tingle, "How nice to see you again! I can't believe you actually came to visit me!"
"Well," said Link, "I kinda need you."
"Want something to drink? How about some milk? No? Perhaps tea? Or maybe some Tabasco?"
"Er," said Link, "No thanks."
"Knuckle," said Tingle, "Get me some Tabasco!"
The man who was shining Tingle's shoes approached a miniature fridge and grabbed a bottle, which he handed to Tingle. Tingle downed it in one shot.
"Yummy," said Tingle, "This is my brother, Knuckle. The guy on spin duty is my other brother, Ankle, and his partner is..."
"David," replied the man, "David Jr. I washed up on this island a couple of months ago after a storm destroyed my boat, and ever since, I've been praying for death."
"Lovely," said Link, "This your home?"
"Actually," began Knuckle, "I..."
"My brother built it," interrupted Tingle, "Well, he carved it from the trunk of an dead Deku tree. Nice, eh?"
"Not really," said Link.
"It's highly flammable," continued Tingle, "That's why we gotta keep the roof spinning so that the sun doesn't burn it up."
"Yeah," said Link, "Listen, would you mind deciphering this old chart for me?"
"That's my specialty," said Tingle, "Let me take a look."
Link handed Tingle the map, who tossed it up into the air..
"Ya," he said, "Woo! Kooloo-Limpah! Become readable!"
Link stared blankly at Tingle for a moment.
"Yeah," said Tingle, "I'll get to work."
For the next few hours, Tingle worked at his desk. When he was done, he stood up and approached Link.
"Thank God for my mastery of the ancient tongue," he said, "Anyways, the Triforce shards are scattered all across the sea. On this paper, I translated the coordinates and any other notes of interest and scribbled them on the side here.
"Thanks a bunch," said Link.
"Hold on," said Tingle, "All this deciphering comes with a price, you know."
"That's how he always gets you," said David Jr.
"Quiet, slave!" snapped Tingle.
"Here," said Link, handing over what was leftover of the money that he stole from Salvatore.
"I'm afraid that isn't quite enough..."
"Then, er, how about..."
Link grabbed several fire arrows from his quiver.
"I already have arrows," Tingle noted.
"Yeah, do you have Fire arrows?" Link said, "Something tells me you don't."
"Hm...Okay then, we have a deal!"
Tingle handed the chart over to Link in exchange for the fire arrows. Soon after, Link waved goodbye and left the tower.
"So long, my fairy-friend!" Tingle shouted as he watched Link run to KORL, "And good luck to..."
Tingle then dropped one of the fire arrows.
"Oops," he said.
Before he could pick it up, the wooden floor began to burn. Tingle and the others tried desperately to put out the fire, but it spread too quickly.
"AAAAGH!" screamed tingle, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
"HEEEELP!" screamed Ankle and Knuckle.
"At last," said David Jr.
Within seconds, the entire tower was up in flames.
"Do you smell something burning?" asked KORL, as he sailed away from the island.
"Nope," said Link, "Then again, I can't smell anything anymore after all the blow I've done."
"Cool," said KORL, "Let's go find those Triforce shards so we can get back to Hyrule!"