Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 15:
Link managed to survive the whole shard fiasco and made his way along the path, slaughtering anyone who got in his way including Bokoblins, Peahats, Moblins and a Mighty Darknut. The path ended in front of a large doorway.
"Okay," said Link, "Here goes nothing."
Link burst through the door and examined the large room, keeping his sword at the ready in case of anything. There were two doors, one to the left and one to the right.
"Hello?" called Link, "Anyone here?"
"Boo," said a voice.
"What'chu want?" asked Link.
Link turned around and saw the Phantom Ganon from the Forsaken Fortress.
"Remember me, asshole?" asked PG.
"What?" Link demanded, "I watched you die a horrible death!"
"Think you can get rid of me that easily, do you?"
Phantom Ganon suddenly picked Link up by the throat and hurled him into a wall.
"Ow," said Link, getting up, "That was unnecessary..."
PG then flew into Link, sending him flying into yet another wall.
"That's it," said Link, getting up once more, "I'm fed up of your shit!"
"What are you gonna do about it, bitch?" asked PG.
"What else?" said Link, "Kick your motherfucking ass!"
"Time to finish what I didn't even start," said PG.
PG uttered a chant, causing a large purple orb to form over his head, which then exploded, enveloping the room with smaller orbs.
"Holy shit!" cried Link.
Link avoided the chaos by rolling and jumping.
"Grrr," PG growled.
He then charged at Link, who managed to side-step it. PG turned and came right back but Link held up his shield to block. The shock, however, still sent Link flying backwards.
"Prepare to die!" PG laughed.
After levitating a few feet off of the ground, PG hurled a blue energy orb at Link.
"HIYA!" cried Link.
Link swung his sword, deflecting the orb back at PG. In turn, PG deflected the orb back at Link. The back-and-forth went on for a few minutes until PG finally missed. Dizzied by the impact, PG slowly fell to the ground.
"Finally," said Link, "Eat steel, motherfucker!"
Link ran up to PG and slashed him with his sword, causing him to vanish.
"Whew," said Link, "It's over..."
PG's sword hovered momentarily in the air and pointed itself toward the large door at the west side of the room.
"So that's where I have to go next, eh?" said Link, "Perfect."
Link approached the door and stepped through.
"Alright," said Link, "Now I..."
"Mwahaha!" said a voice.
"What the?" said Link, "I just killed you!"
"God," said PG, "What a dumbass. Don't you remember at all what I said earlier? No one can fucking kill me!"
"Aw, come on!" moaned Link, "I don't wanna have to play with your balls again (Wow, that came out wrong)!"
"Ah, but you need my sword to point the way, so suck it!"
"True...Unless I use the official Legend of Zelda strategy guide and flip to page 102. Ah, here we go!"
"What?"
Link blew PG off and ran through the door to the right. Link followed the guide the whole way with PG chasing him through each room.
"Aw come on," PG sobbed, "That's not fair! That's cheating!"
Eventually, Link reached the final room.
"Hm," said Link, looking around, "Ah, the prize at the end of the tunnel!"
A small chest sat in the middle of the room. Before Link could open it, PG appeared again.
"DIE, CHEATER!" he screamed.
PG slammed his sword down on Link, who rolled out of the way in time. The chest broke in two pieces and the prize inside was now lying on the floor.
"Arrows?" said Link, "MINE!"
Link dodged the next few blows and successfully grabbed the arrows, then loaded his bow while PG charged up a deadly blast.
"Hasta la vista, baby," said Link.
Link fired the arrow straight at Phantom Ganon, obliterating him instantly.
"NOOO!" he cried, "BUT HOOOW?"
"The power of light, bitch!" laughed Link.
With Phantom Ganon dead for good, the room suddenly began to spin and Link passed out. He awoke shortly afterwards in the very first room he was in before.
"What now?" asked Link.
Link entered the door on his right, which lead him to a small, dimly-lit grotto.
"Hello?" said Link, "Hellooo!"
"Greetings," a figure emerged from the shadows.
"EEP!" squealed Link, "W-Who are you? W-W-What do you want?"
The figure floated along the water until it reached the dock. The light revealed it to be KORL.
"Damnit, asshole!" snapped Link, "You trying to give me a fucking heart attack?"
"Scared you didn't I?" chuckled KORL, "You should have seen the look on your face, man!"
Link frowned.
"Ahem," KORL continued, "Anyhoo, I found a way inside, so now I can offer some eleventh-hour assistance. Ain't that neat?"
"Not like you were helpful at any other point in my adventure," said Link.
"I fucking sailed us here! You know what? Forget it. I just wanted to say be brave and stay strong no matter what happens. There's only a short way left, but it's a doozy."
"I don't know if I can do it. I mean, the last encounter I had with Ganon was utter shit. He kicked my ass and nearly raped me. I'm not sure if I can go through that again."
"You can do it this time. You got your sword all pimped out, and you have more experience now. Besides, your ancestors have done it multiple times. They all faced difficulties, but in the end, they always prevailed. Trust me, you'll be fine."
"Thanks, KORL. I know it always seems like I hate you and stuff - And I kinda do - But I do mostly appreciate your help...Mostly."
"That's about the best I'll get. Here, I have one last thing to give you..."
"What is it?"
"Your Windwaker; take it out."
Link did as he was told.
"Remember this song," began KORL, "Right, centre, down, right, centre, down. It's very important."
"What song is it?" asked Link.
"The song of time that your ancestor used. You can go back in time to fix something. You know, like a second chance. Use it only as a last resort. Probably the most useful song you'll ever learn. Oh, and it can only be used once, and then the magic wears off. Use it wisely, okay?"
"Alright. By the way, where do I go next? It seems like I'm at a dead end."
"Pick up Phantom Ganon's sword - The one that he dropped earlier - And hurl it at the wall. You have the strategy guide don't you? You should know this!"
"True. Here, why don't you keep it? Some reading material while you wait."
Link tossed the magazine at KORL before leaving the room.
"Great," said KORL, "He finally gives me reading material...WHEN OUR ADVENTURE IS OVER!"
Link returned to the previous room and picked up PG's sword from their earlier battle. With all his might, he hurled it at the opposite wall, causing it to break open and reveal a staircase. Link climbed the staircase, taking out both Miniblins and Moblins.
At the top, he was greeted by two Darknuts. Link rolled away as both slammed their swords down. Link them jumped up and knocked on of their helmets off. As the first Darknut ran up to Link, Link sliced the top of his head off, exposing his brains and killing him.
As the second one came running, Link jumped off of the dead Darknut and flew into the air. With a quick jab he pierced the Darknut's helmet and stabbed him in the face. Link struck a pose as the Darknut behind him fell to his knees, blood gushing from the opening in his helmet.
"Once again," said Link, wiping the blood off his sword with his tunic, "I rock."
Link then opened the final door and ran inside. He was not in the highest room of Ganon's tower.
"Alright, Ganon," announced Link, "I'm here to take out the trash! And that means you!"
Link examined the otherwise empty room and saw Zelda sleeping in a bed with Ganon by her side.
"So glad you can make it boy," said Ganon, "I'm looking forward to reading you another bedtime story. How about Puss in Boots this time?"
"I don't know if you read the previous chapter," began Link, "But I'm thirteen now! HA!"
"That is still young enough for me," said Ganon.
"Aw, damn."
"I can read her dreams, you know," said Ganon.
"Oh really?" said Link, "Anything in there about me?"
"No," replied Ganon, "Oceans, oceans, oceans, oceans...As far as the eye can see."
"Please don't say oceans again...I really have to piss."
"This is what became of big, beautiful Hyrule after following King Daphnes' moronic decision."
"Oh, I know. I've sailed with that guy for months, and believe me, he's dropped some real stinkers."
"Seriously, what did the King of Hyrule hope to accomplish? A small group of people scattered across a few pathetic islands? Don't you see? Your gods destroyed you!"
"Heh, doesn't take a genius to figure that out."
"But when all three pieces of the Triforces united, I will be granted a single wish. With my one wish, I will resurrect Hyrule and become its new king. The people of this god-forsaken waterworld will forgive all of my past transgressions and see me as a hero. HA!"
"So that was your plan all along? Make people forget you're a pedophile without having to become a Hollywood celebrity? I'll kill you before that happens!"
"No you won't," said Ganon, "Because I still have some tricks up my sleeve. If you don't hand over your Triforce of Courage right now, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get real serious."
"Oooh," said Link, "So scared! Why don't you...Uh-oh."
Link watched in horror as Ganon transformed into a giant pig monster. His tail and four limbs were held to the ceiling with long white strings, while a thick, red string held up his back. Puppet Ganon began twirling around the room, knocking Link aside with his tail.
"Ouch!" said Link, "What the fuck am I gonna do now? Think, mah boy! Think!"
Suddenly it hit him. Literally.
"WOOOOOAAAAHHHH!" screamed Link as Puppet Ganon's fist knocked him into a wall.
"I can't take this guy," Link observed, "At least not on my own. But I know who can help me!"
Link remembered the conversation he had earlier and how KORL said that all of his ancestors had overcome adversity to defeat Ganondorf.
"My ancestors have done it before...So I'll just have them do it again!"
Puppet Ganon swung his fist again, but this time, Link dodged it. Link drew his Windwaker and conducted the song of time, opening a portal.
"Let's do this," Link said, as he entered the portal, "Take me to whenever the hell Ocarina of Time takes place...And make it snappy!"
Within seconds, he arrived at his destination.