Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 16:
Link found himself in the middle of a large, empty field and wandered aimlessly for several hours.
"Wow," said Link, "I did not think this one through. I have no idea where my ancestor is and if I can't find him, I can't get back. Then again, Hyrule is pretty nice - Especially the women! That Malon was smokin'. Dang, should've gotten her number."
Link approached the border of a small forest and continued his search. Suddenly, he was attacked by a couple of Stalfos'.
"Oh, shit!" he shouted.
As Link readied his sword, an older boy in green suddenly appeared and helped fight off the creatures. Within seconds, they were dead.
"Oh my God," said Link, "It's you, the guy from the statue! You're way sexier in person."
"Uh," said the Hero of Time, "Your welcome?"
"Right," said Link, "Listen, I came here to find you. My name's Link and I need your help!"
"Really?" said OoT Link, "That's my name too!"
"See, I'm your descendant from hundreds of years in the future. I travelled through time because I need your help in defeating Ganondorf!"
"Wha? That's crazy! Why the hell should I believe you?"
"For one, just look at me! Don't we look the same? I mean, I'm a few years younger than you, and several pounds underweight due to all the crack I've smoked, but besides that, the resemblance is uncanny, no?"
OoT scratched his head in confusion.
"I guess," he said, "It's still kinda hard to believe. But if my mission is to defeat Ganondorf, how can he be alive in your time?"
"That's the thing," began WW Link, "He's invincible! No matter how many times you or your ancestors kill him, he just keeps coming back. That's why I need you, so we actually stand a chance!"
"So it technically doesn't matter if I defeat Ganondorf or not?"
"Right."
"Sweet! Then I can just screw this mission and go back to what it is I've always wanted to do!"
"And what would that be?"
"Bang Nabooru and take fiddle lessons!"
OoT Link then pulled out a fiddle and played it while doing a hoedown.
"I don't think so!" said a voice.
"Who's that?" asked WW Link.
Just then a fairy emerged from behind (Inside of?) Link.
"Hey, listen!" she said, "Link, you can't just up and leave! We have a mission to complete!"
"Who dat?" WW Link asked.
"That's my fairy," said OoT Link, "She's supposed to guide me throughout my adventure but all she ever does is annoy me."
"I hear you," said WW Link, "I got a guy like that back in my time."
"And back to your time you go," Navi commanded, "Go on, leave us be! Link?"
OoT Link rubbed his forehead.
"I'll handle it," said WW Link.
"What the..." began Navi.
Link pulled out his empty bottle and trapped Navi inside.
"Hey!" Navi's cries of protest were muffled by the glass, "Let me outta here! Fuck yooouuu!"
WW Link tossed the bottle aside and clapped his hands together.
"You got your Ocarina of Time?" he asked.
"Yup," replied OoT Link.
"Good. We need it to time travel...But not to my time just yet. We gotta find another one of my ancestors first. After all, the more, the merrier!"
"Sweet, let's do this!"
OoT pulled out his Ocarina of Time and played the song of time, transporting them one hundred years into the future.
"We have to go where again?" asked Link.
"For the last time," his partner, Midna, said, "West, to Gerudo Valley! That's where we'll find the next piece of the Twilight Mirror."
"I thought I was done collecting stuff," moaned Link, "We're always running around looking for something, whether it's those stupid tears or fused shadows. I'm fed up! Plus, how the hell do we even get to Gerudo Valley?"
"Hey," said Midna, "I just tell you where you go. How we get there is up to you!"
Midna then flew into the ground and transformed into Link's shadow.
"Good for nothing," Link grumbled, "Telling me where to go all the time...Can't even stop for some ice cream."
As Link navigated Hyrule Field, he was overcome by a bright light.
"GAAAH!" he yelled, "My eyes! What the fuck is going on?"
Link watched two people materialize in front of him; one, a child, the other, a teenager.
"What in the..." began TP Link, "Who are you? Why are you dressed like me?"
"HA!" laughed WW Link, "I told those would be the first words out of his mouth. Pay up!"
"Goddamnit," muttered OoT Link, "That's the last time I make a bet with you."
"Excuse me," said TP Link, "But what's going on?"
"Listen up, pretty boy," began WW Link, "We're from...BROWN HAIR?"
"Huh?" asked TP Link.
WW Link then grabbed OoT Link by the collar and began to shake him violently.
"Who in God's name did you fuck?" demanded WW Link, "My ancestor has brown hair thanks to you!"
"'Thanks to me'?" repeated OoT Link, "Firstly, I'm still a virgin, given that I was aged seven years against my will. Second, genetics is a complex thing! God only knows how he ended up with brown hair. Why do you even care so much about hair colour, anyway?"
"Ah, nothing," replied WW Link, "Just proud of my superior Aryan genetics is all."
"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that," OoT Link said, with suspicion.
"What?" said WW Link, "Oh, don't give me that look. I did say the Great Sea was a Nazi state back in Chapter 11, did I not?"
"Ahem," began TP Link, "If it's really such a big deal for you, my hair is more dirty blonde than brown...But that really isn't the issue right now. What exactly do you guys need from me?"
"I'm from the future," said WW Link, "And my friend here is from the past. We're your descendent and ancestor, respectively."
"That's some messed-up shit," said TP Link.
"There' more," WW Link continued, "Ganondorf is back in my time and more powerful than ever. That's why we all have to come with me and defeat him once and for all!"
"But I defeated Ganondorf," said TP Link, "Or at least, I'm supposed to?"
"Ha!" laughed WW Link, "Don't waste your time, 'cause Ganon's gonna keep coming back no matter what you do to him. So, what do you say?"
"Hm..."
TP Link thought for a moment. Suddenly, his shadow transformed into a small, impish creature.
"Ew," said WW Link, "The fuck is that? Looks like the massive dump I took this morning!"
"Ha," Midna laughed, "I don't know who you guys are or what you want, but Link here isn't going anywhere! He's on a crucial mission!"
"That's what they all say," OoT Link muttered.
"Sounds a bit like your fairy," WW Link said, "I guess all us Links have to deal with someone, eh? My guy's a talking boat."
"Actually," began TP Link, "A boat isn't so bad. He can only bug you while you're out at sea. On land, you're pretty much safe."
"Actually no," said WW Link, "My boat invented a talking pebble so he bug me on land too."
"Get lost freaks," said Midna, "Or I'll have Link turn into a wolf and eat you all!"
"Actually, I wanna go," said TP Link, "And you can't stop me this time!"
"Wanna bet?" asked Midna.
"MORE BETS?" yelled OoT Link, "AW, HELL NO!"
OoT Link pulled out his Megaton Hammer and struck Midna with all of his might, sending her flying off into the distance.
"Sweeeet," said the three Links in unison.
"Well," said WW Link, "Time to go the future. But not my time..."
"Where to then?" asked TP Link.
"The future future," replied WW Link, "I must have a descendent I can call for help!"
"Let's go then," said OoT Link, pulling out his Ocarina once more.
He then played the song of time, transporting the trio one thousand years into the future.
The three Links found themselves in the middle of a large city, consisting of skyscrapers that reached the sky, tubes that transported people around, hover cars, and coin-operated hand-job machines on every corner.
"Sweet," said WW Link, "This is my kind of future!"
"Stay focused," said TP Link, "We need to find..."
In that moment, a herd of cyborg Moblins appears in the middle of the street and began firing lasers at civilians and overturning cars.
"Citizens of Hyrule City," the lead Moblin spoke in an electronic voice, "Surrender Link to us and you will not be further harmed. This is your last warning."
The three Links sought cover behind an overturned car and watched events unfold with fear.
"Fuck," said WW Link, "What do we do now?"
"It was your idea coming here," said TP Link, "You figure it out!"
"Aw man," OoT Link sobbed, "I'm so scared right now!"
"You really do cry a lot, huh?" said WW Link.
"I was literally twelve yesterday!"
Just then, a small boy in a green jumpsuit appeared. He was short, with messy blonde hair and a large visor across his eyes. He pulled out a light saber and waved it around.
"Prepare for annihilation," he said.
He then jumped into the air and slashed several Moblins' heads open. As he landed, he sliced the legs off another oncoming Moblin before impaling him. To end the battle, the boy pulled out a laser and vaporized the remaining enemies, including the lead Moblin.
"Impressive," said WW Link, "You are truly my descendent!"
"Why?" Future Link asked, "'Cause I fight like you?"
"No, 'cause you are one sexy beast! Rrrrr..."
"Ahem," said Future Link, "I am presently in the middle of an important quest to defeat the evil GanonBorg and save Hyrule City. Whatever your reason for coming to see me, it had better be important!"
"I'm from the past and I'm having a crisis in my time."
"Ah yes," said Future Link, "I know all about your time travel exploits."
"You do?"
"Indeed. By continuously travelling through time and telling the past Links that fighting Ganon is pointless due to his inevitable return, you have thus created a paradoxical loop in which Ganon does, in fact, inevitably return."
"Um," said WW Link, "Oops?"
"No worries," said Future Link, "Despite your incompetence, I will aid you in your fight. I have the timepiece needed to go back as I presume your Ocarina and Windwaker are both out of magic by now."
"Damn," said OoT Link, "This guy's fucking smart!"
"That's my boy!" said WW Link, pinching Future Link's cheek.
"Right," said Future Link, "Now let's...Wait a minute, wasn't there another Link?"
The trio turned and saw TP Link sitting in one of the hand-job machines.
"Aw, yeah," he moaned with pleasure, "Gimme the good stuff, baby! OOOH!"
WW Link rubbed his forehead.
"Hurry the fuck up, brown boy!" he snapped, "We're busy here!"
"Sorry," said TP Link, climbing out of the machine.
"Time to go," said Future Link, "And kick some primitive screwhead ass!"
The four Links huddled together as Future Link pulled out his time device and pressed the button, teleporting them all to Ganon's Tower. They then braced themselves for a fight.