Link's Windwaker Adventure!
Chapter 18:
The following chapter is brought to you in part by Beedle's Shop Ship:
"Hey, hey, Hey!" announced Beedle, "I'm Beedle, owner of Beedle's Shop Ship. When not hosting popular HTV shows like Pimp My Sword or Real World: Great Sea, I'm out there sailing the treacherous seas, selling you the best goods at the lowest prices!"
Beedle climbed aboard his ship and entered the door.
"There's no need to travel thousands of miles to find that special item you're looking for!" said Beedle, "I'm sailing the seas 24/7. Wherever you are, I will find you, and you will buy from me."
Beedle then gave a menacing glance to the camera before reverting to his happy persona.
"In need of some arrows to take out your enemies?" he said, "How about 30 rupees for a pack of 30? Bombs? 50 for a pack of 30! How about some Crack, Blow, or Ex? Er, scratch those last three. And this week only, we're having a sale on this magnificent piece of heart!"
Beedle then it up in front of the camera.
"That's right, folks," he continued, "You get the whole piece for a mere 900 rupees. No one rips you off - Er, I mean, satisfies you - More than Beedle's Shop Ship! Still unconvinced? Listen to these testimonials!"
Carlov: In my lonely, miserable life, I've found plenty of time to build miniature wooden sculptures. Where else would I find the right supplies to build them than Beedle's Shop Ship? When I'm looking for someone to give me wood, I go and see Beedle!
Salvatore: Link, you son of a prick! You came into my store, knocked me out and took all of my hard-earned cash! And take a look at this bump on my forehead - That's not going away anytime soon! You better get your ass back here, ya little coward, 'cause you and me got ourselves a date in court! Oh, and Beedle rocks and whatever.
Sue-Belle: Because my grandfather is so old and frail, he does all of his business in jars instead of going to the bathroom. I then carry these jars on my head to the sea to be dumped. But the jars we had on Outset were just too big and awkward to carry so I kept dropping them. At Beedle's, I finally found the right jar to fit my head, and at a very decent price, to boot. Now, I don't smell like pee anymore!
Sturgeon: Link, wherever you are, I'm gonna kill ya! I'm gonna rip you open and yank out your intestines! Ya hear me?
Merman: Beedle has run me over countless times and destroyed my brothers' habitats with his ceaseless dumping. Yet, I still shop at Beedle's for his fine selection of fish bait, and because I enjoy being a tool.
"Well," said Beedle, stepping outside, "There you have it! Those are actual customers and not random shills I've paid. If they enjoy Beedle's that much, don't you think it's time you gave it a try?
"Just look for the small, brown gondola with the stunning self-portrait on the side, and hop aboard. Just please ensure that I am not a pirate ship disguised to lure potential trafficking victims in...Not that it's ever happened, of course!"
Beedle chuckled nervously.
"Beedle's," he boomed, "Selling you only the best!"
Atop his tower overlooking Hyrule, Ganondorf stared off into the distance with Zelda's unconscious body by his side. Behind Ganon, Link, who had been climbing for hours, finally reached to the top. He pulled himself over the edge and collapsed onto the platform from exhaustion.
"Took you long enough, boy," said Ganondorf without turning around.
"I must've climbed over a thousand feet," Link gasped, "Give me a fucking break!"
"Allow me to tell you a story," said Ganon.
"One sec," said Link, before puking a little bit.
"For a boy your age," began Ganon, "You are in remarkably poor shape."
"I know," replied Link, "Probably all the rum and whisky I had."
"Right," said Ganon, "Now, where was I?"
"You were going to have another one of your monologues," said Link, "For a guy who barely appears in the story, you sure make the most of your time."
"Shut up," said Ganon, "I was born centuries ago in a place known as Gerudo Valley…"
"Here we go," sighed Link.
"It was a barren place with a harsh climate, and the smell of death lingering in the air. Worst of all, the children who resided there were...Hideous."
"Can't be too picky."
"Stop interrupting me, boy! Anyhow, the neighbouring kingdom of Hyrule had a much more pleasant air. Its wind carried with it life, and its children were far more to my liking. It was a pedo's dream come true. I suppose you can say that I coveted those children."
"So you eventually escaped the wretched Gerudo Valley and started your new life in Hyrule?"
"Yes, Mr. Hero. Thanks for completing my story, jackass."
"Just trying to help."
"In any case," said Ganon, "My plan to resurrect the Kingdom of Hyrule and turn is almost complete. I have my Triforce of power, and Zelda's Triforce of wisdom. All I need now is your Triforce of courage…"
"Come and get it, fatty," taunted Link, as he drew his Master Sword.
Suddenly, Ganon teleported right in front of Link.
"Aw, sh…"
Ganon delivered a solid one-two hook to Link's face, then backhanded him away. Link fell unconscious while his sword landed right next to Zelda.
"Don't worry," said Ganon, "I won't kill you…Yet. I simply need to harvest your Triforce. Afterward, I can maybe finish the job I began in my fortress. I have a big library, ya know!"
Ganon then picked Link up by the wrist. The small triangle flew from the back of Link's hand, then joined up with Zelda's and Ganon's forming a large Triforce in the centre of the room.
"Yes," said Ganon, tossing Link's body away, "Once I touch it, my wish will finally come true!"
Ganon approached the Triforce with his hand outstretched and a big smile on his face.
"Bring Hyrule back from under the Great Sea!" he commanded, "And give it to me!"
All of a sudden, Ganon stopped. Standing next to the Triforce, with his hand on one of the triangles, was Daphnes Nohanssen Hyrule.
"HOLY DEUS EX MACHINA!" cursed Ganondorf, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Saving the world," replied Daphnes, "I remembered all those things that Link said about not getting up off my lazy and helping him and decided, 'Well, why not'?"
Ganon stared in shock with his hand still outstretched.
"Time to make my wish," said the King.
Daphnes cleared his throat:
"GODS HEAR ME OUT!" he cried, "WASH AWAY THE LAND OF HYRULE. MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE CAN EVER FIND IT AGAIN! GIVE LINK AND ZELDA SOME HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!
"ALSO, IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, DO YOU MIND MAYBE GETTING RID OF THAT WARRANT OUT FOR MY ARREST? I MEAN IT`S NOT LIKE I KILLED ANYONE…IMPORTANT. IT'S JUST THAT IT'S KINDA GETTING HARDER TO SHOW MY FACE OUT IN PUCBLIC AND WHATNOT. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. THANKS!"
As soon as Daphnes finished his wish, the Triforce broke into three pieces and flew off. The barrier that protected Hyrule Castle cracked open, causing sea water to rapidly pour in.
"Now," began Daphnes, "Our destinies may finally be fulfilled underwater. See ya later, biotch!"
Daphnes disappeared as Ganondorf continued to stand frozen in shock. Suddenly he lowered his arm and began laughing maniacally. The sound of Ganon's laughter woke up Zelda, who picked up the Master Sword and ran up to Link.
"Link," whispered Zelda, "Link, get up!"
"Just 5 more minutes, Grandma," muttered Link.
"No, it's me," said Zelda, "You need to wake up now!"
"Zelda?" said Link, as he slowly got up.
"Wow," said Zelda, "You look like shit!"
"Yeah?" said Link, "Well you smell like shit."
"Ha, very funny. Come on, we gotta get outta here!"
Ganondorf continued to laugh hysterically.
"What the hell is fatty laughing about?" asked Link.
"I rented Season 4 of The Office last night," replied Ganon, "Funny shit man!"
"Sorry," said Link, "I'm more of a Lost kinda guy."
"Are you now?" asked Ganon, "Well, then I'm just gonna have to kill you both!"
Ganondorf then drew 2 swords and held them above his head.
"Fucking KORL," said Link, "Fixed one problem, but caused like, five others. This could've been an easy escape but nooooo…I have to fight my way out. Fuck you!"
"Listen," said Zelda, "Give me your light arrows!"
"What the hell for?" said Link.
"So I can help you fight, duh!"
"Fuck off! None of the other Links needed help battling the final boss!"
"Yeah, but none of the other Links were incompetent drunks like you! Now gimme the damn bow!"
"Gee," said Link, handing over his bow and quiver, "We're a little touchy today!"
"I was kidnapped and held hostage by a fat fucking pedophile," replied Zelda, "And if you must know, I'm on my period."
"Well," said Link, "You know what they say. It's all fun and games until someone ovulates."
"Where did you hear that?"
"I read it in Period Monthly magazine. Don't ask me why I have a subscription to that."
"Enough talk!" snapped Ganon, "Time to die!"
Ganon slowly approached Link.
"Let's do this!" said Link, readying his sword.