Link's Windwaker Adventure!

Chapter 19:

The barrier that protected from Hyrule from the Great Sea was now broken, and the kingdom was rapidly drowning. Ganon, Link and Zelda were safe for the moment since they were at the top of a very tall tower, but at the rate the water was pouring in, it would only be a matter of minutes before Hyrule was totally flooded.

Worse still, Ganondorf, who lost all hope of survival, let alone taking over the world, had now lost his mind and was hellbent on killing Link and Zelda, even though they didn't really have a way out of Hyrule anyways. Ain't life a bitch?

"All you have to do," began Zelda, clutching Link's bow and a quiver of light arrows, "Is distract him. I'll shoot him from behind."

"Sounds easy enough," said Link.

As Ganon approached Link, Zelda ran off to the side, leaving Link to face him alone.

"Die!" yelled Ganon, as he brought his sword down onto Link.

Link blocked the attack by holding his sword over his head but struggled to hold it in place. Suddenly, Ganon kicked Link in the balls.

"OW!" yelped Link, "What the hell was that, you cheap fuck?"

"Aren't I just the worst?" teased Ganon.

"That's it sucka," said Link, "Time to pay!"

Link charged Ganon and swung many times, but Ganon blocked each blow. From off to the side, Zelda fired a light arrow straight at Ganon, but he leapt out of the way.

"Damnit, bitch!" snapped Link, "Learn to aim!"

"My aim is just fine, thanks," said Zelda, "You just suck at distracting him!"

"Let's trade places. I can probably nail this guy between his balls from like, ten miles away!"

"Pay attention, fuckface!"

Link turned around and saw Ganondorf lunge straight for Link. Despite blocking the blow, the force was enough to knock Link down. Zelda fired again, this time, completely missing.

"Not even close!" said Link.

"Fuck off!" snapped Zelda.

"Time to take you out, little girl!" said Ganon, leaping towards Zelda.

"Uh-Oh!" she cried.

Before Zelda had a chance to reload the bow, Ganon struck her across the face with the hilt of his sword, knocking her out. Ganon then readied himself to deliver the final blow.

"Not today, Ganon-dork!" said Link, leaping onto Ganon's back.

"Gahhhh!" yelled Ganondorf, "Just so that you know, I would normally enjoy having a small child climb my back...But you're just pissing me off!"

"Good," said Link, tugging on Ganon's ears.

"OW!" screamed Ganon, "You little punk!"

As Ganon struggled to shake Link off, Zelda recovered from her injury.

"Now I got you," said Ganon, grabbing a hold of Link.

"Oh boy," said Link.

Ganon tossed Link over his shoulder and onto the floor then attempted to stomp on him, but Link rolled out of the way on time. After grabbing his sword, Link regrouped with Zelda.

"Listen, Link," began Zelda, "He's too fast..."

"The hell he is," said Link, "You're too slow!"

"Shut up," snapped Zelda, "I know a way to catch him off-guard. Keep him busy while I aim for your shield. The arrow should bounce off of it."

"Sounds like a plan," said Link, "Except for the part where YOU SHOOT AT ME!"

"We have no choice," said Zelda, "Besides, when has my aim ever been off?"

Link thought for a moment.

-Flashback-

Yes," said Tetra, "Now, in order to get you inside, I'm going to use my powers of teleportation."

"Really?"

"No, we're gonna stuff you in a cannon and launch you there. Happy travels!"

"Fuck..."

But before Link could finish his insult, Gonzo grabbed him and shoved him head-first into a cannon.

"3...2...1...Fire!"

The cannon fired, sending Link flying into the wall of the Forsaken Fortress. Following the collision, Link slid down to the floor, with his sword lost on a high-up balcony.

-End Flashback-

"Okay," said Zelda, "Besides that."

"Yeah," said Link, "I thought so."

"Just trust me this time, alright?"

"Alright. But I swear to God, if you miss my shield and hit me...I won't be able to do much since I'll most probably be dead. But so help you!"

Link then ran up to Ganondorf and attempted to strike him down.

"When will you learn, boy?" asked Ganon, "I'm far too strong for you! Hahaha!"

"Yo momma," said Link.

As Link and Ganon battled it out, Zelda, who was standing behind Ganon, loaded another arrow and prepared to take the shot. She waited for the right moment.

"Now!" screamed Link, pushing Ganon back with his sword.

Zelda fired a light arrow straight at Link, who raised his shield at the oncoming projectile. The arrow bounced off Link's shield and flew straight towards Ganon, striking him in the chest.

"NOOOOOOO!" shouted Ganon.

Dazed, Ganon stood in place, with his head ceaselessly rotating. The background behind him dimmed.

"FINISH HIM!" boomed Zelda.

"Hiyaaaa!" yelled Link.

Link leapt high into the air, then plunged his Master Sword straight into Ganondorf's balding head. A shower of blood erupted from the wound like a volcano.

"Link wins," announced Zelda, "Flawless Victory. Fatality."

"I DID IT!" cried Link, "I ACTUALLY DID IT! I FUCKIN' ROCK!"

"You mean we rock," said Zelda.

"Eh," said Link, "I like the sound of I better."

Zelda frowned.

"Hehehe..." chuckled Ganon, with the sword still stuck in his forehead.

"Still thinking of The Office?" asked Link.

"Nah," said Ganon, "Now I'm thinking of Two and a Half Men...Good stuff, good stuff."

"Yeah," agreed Link.

Ganondorf then transformed into stone, leaving the Master Sword stuck in his head.

"Aw," Link moaned, "How the hell am I gonna get my sword back?"

"Let it go," said Zelda, "It's over now."

"But," said Link, "My sword and I have been through so much together..."

Link had a series of flashbacks which included Link slaughtering enemies with his sword, happily skipping through flowery field while holding his sword, at a frat party, getting drunk with his sword, and lastly, getting into bed with his sword and kissing it good night.

"LINK," snapped Zelda, "WAKE UP!"

"Huh?" asked Link, snapping out of his daydream, "W-What is it?"

"How the hell are we gonna out of here?" asked Zelda.

"Oh, that? We just sit back and let the current drag us along. We'll be fine."

"Really?"

"Are you kidding me? We're fucked! This is the end, man! Game over! We. Are. Fucking. Dead! WAAAGH!"

Suddenly, there was a flash of light.

"Well, well, well," said Link, "Look who's back..."

"Sorry about leaving," said Daphnes, "I just remembered that I, er, left the stove on."

"Sure you did," said Link, "You know that we almost got killed by Ganonfuck over there?"

"But you beat him," said Daphnes, "So that's good, I suppose."

"No shit," said Link, "We saved the fucking world. Now how the hell are we gonna escape from here?"

"One step ahead of you," said Daphnes, "I built a couple of jetpacks for you to...Oops, nevermind. I broke them. I suppose I'll just encase you two in bubbles and let you float to the surface.

"Aw," said Link.

"Listen, children," began Daphnes, "I am really sorry that the two of you got caught up in all of this. I refused to let go of my beloved kingdom and by keeping it down here, I've put everyone on the surface in great danger. I am bound to Hyrule, and in that sense, I am no different than Ganondorf..."

"Well," said Link, "You know what they say. Opposites attract, likes repel!"

"Another Period Monthly quote?" asked Zelda.

"Shaddup," snapped Link.

"Anyways," said Daphnes, "With Hyrule drowning beneath the sea, I think I'm gonna stick around and drown with it."

"Hey, man," said Link, "Don't sweat it. It was fun travelling with you and...Wait, what? You wanna drown with Hyrule?"

"Aren't you coming with us?" asked Zelda.

"Hell no," said Daphnes, "If there was one thing Ganon was right about, it's that who the hell would wanna live on a bunch of tiny, scattered islands?"

Link and Zelda frowned.

"No, seriously though," said Daphnes, "It's your kingdom now, for better or for worse. I have no business being there. That said, I'm just gonna kick back, relax and die a slow, horrible death. Have a great life, you two!"

"Sure," said Link, sarcastically, "We'll see about that."

All of a sudden, the remainder of the barrier shattered and water began pouring in faster than before, drowning the kingdom in seconds. As Daphnes had promised, Link and Zelda were protected by air bubbles, which slowly floated them to the surface. Link desperately held out his hand to Daphnes, but the king merely turned his back. That was the last they ever saw of him before reaching the surface.

"Link," said Tetra, "Link, wake up!"

"No, Grandma," muttered Link, "I didn't eat the last cookie. Aryll did..."

"Link, you idiot! Get up!"

"Huh?" asked Link, "Where am I? And why are you dressed like a smelly pirate again?"

"I guess the magic wore off when Daphnes died," said Tetra, "No more princess outfit for me."

"Aw," said Link, "You were much hotter before."

As Link glanced around, he saw that he and Tetra were on a boat.

"Welcome," said the leader of Salvage Corp, "To the S.S. Waverider!"

"Hi!" said the others.

"You guys again?" asked Link.

"Yup," said the leader, "My boys and I found you and your girlfriend drifting in the sea and so we pulled you aboard using our treasure crane! Good thing we were passing by at the time, or you would've Gyorg bait!"

"Phew," said the other Salvage Corp. members.

"So," began Link, "This is the new boat you guys bought?"

"Yup," said the leader, "Ain't it sweet? Ya know, we've already caught quite a few treasures with it. Would you like..."

"NO!" interrupted Link, "For the last time, not interested!"

"Aw," said the leader.

"Link," said Tetra, "Look, it's my ship!"

"Egad!" said the leader, "Pirates! Abandon ship!"

He then jumped into the sea. The others followed. As Tetra's ship approached, Link could see Aryll aboard, who was wearing a purple skull dress and sporting a Mohawk hairdo.

"What in the fuck did you do to your hair?" snapped Link.

"Like it?" Aryll asked, "Mako's such an awesome barber. Now, I look cooler than you! Tee-hee!"

"No you don't" yelled Link, "You like a fucking douche! You better have that thing removed, or so help you!"

"Shut up, Big Brother," said Aryll, "You can't tell me what to do anymore! Which reminds me, I want my telescope back, dumbass! "

"I sold it for smack a few months ago."

"Aw, fuck off! You always lose my shit!"

"Is this how you repay someone who saved your life, hm? By insulting them?"

"If the person who saved my life happens to be the biggest jackass to ever walk the face this planet, then yeah!"

"That's it, when I get up there, you're gonna wish you were never saved from that fortress!"

Amidst the shouting, Tetra rubbed her forehead in frustration.

"Gonzo," she said, "Please just toss us a rope so we can climb aboard. I'm getting a headache."

There was no response.

"Gonzo?" said Tetra, "Yoo-hoo, Gonzo!"

Meanwhile, below decks, Gonzo sat with Quill on Tetra's bed.

"So baby," said Gonzo, "Does deliverin' the mail ever get rough?"

"You do realize," began Quill, "That I'm not actually a..."

"Sh," said Gonzo, putting a finger to Quill's beak, "Don's talk baby. As long as you don't say nothin', we can just pretend."

Gonzo then slowly closed the bedroom door.

Later, back on Outset Island, Link and Aryll had a heartfelt reunion with all the friends and family they had left behind on their epic journey.

"Oh, Link," said Grandma, "It's so wonderful to see you again. I'm happy that you're okay!"

"Yup," said Link, "Thanks for all your support, Gram!"

"And you brought a friend," said Grandma, "What's your name, dear?"

"Uh, Gram," began Link, "That's Aryll..."

Grandma tilted her head in confusion.

"Aryll," repeated Link, "Your granddaughter...The one missing for over a year?"

"Oh," said Grandma, "I'm glad you're alright. Bitchin' hairdo, by the way."

Link sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Link, my boy!" said Orca, surrounded by his entourage of Chu-chus, "You're alright! I see that my sword training has helped you immensely!"

"Sure," said Link, "'Helped'..."

"Come on, Link," said Tetra, "It's time to start our new journey now."

"Already?" said Link, "Geez! I just got back! At least let me 'unwind', if you know what I mean!"

"Forget that," said Tetra, "There are islands to be explored, enemies to be fought and...Aw fuck it, we'll leave tomorrow."

"Yeah," said Link, "Party time!"

Everyone cheered and began dancing. Suddenly, Sturgeon came out of nowhere and whacked Link on the head with his cane, knocking him to the ground.

"Mwahaha," the old man laughed, "I told ya I'd get ya, boy! You can't hide from me! Hehehe!"

"Goddamnit," grumbled Link.

The Living End...