Author's note: Thank you again for the kind comments.

And then he's gone and I can't say another thing. Can't tell him he's completely wrong. That this is not a game. Remind him that I am not a prize to be won. That his brother did die for nothing if we can't be together. That his misguided choices are ensuring that he loses both of us, he's the one who doesn't know it yet.

There's nothing left for me to do but cry into my pillow. Even if I wasn't attached to all these machines and could run after him, there's no way I'd catch him. He's too fast and no doubt doesn't want me to talk him out of his path he's gone down. He's too stubborn for his own good and too set on depending on his own theory of things, his own truth. Katherine did a number on him, no doubt, but so did his father before that. Stefan's act of selflessness did nothing but further lessen Damon's own view of himself; for someone so cocky and arrogant, he really doesn't think much of himself. But then, he's spent nearly 150 years pissed off at his brother, in love with a woman who ended up not loving him back and shutting himself off to all other emotions. I get where he's coming from and I understand why he's so freaked out, and I can only hope I can find a way to convince him that loving me isn't going to cost him anything. That I'm not going to fall for Stefan because he's dead. I know full well that he died for both of us, now to convince Damon of that… easier said than done.

First step… getting out of this god-awful hospital room.

After another two days of observation and some compelling on Caroline's part, the doctor was willing to let me go home from the hospital. Caroline drove me straight home, ignoring my requests to go see Damon at the boarding house.

"I did not break you out of the hospital only to end up driving you right back there when you get yourself all worked up talking to Damon." Caroline says as she pushes me back into my room at my third attempt to leave my bedroom. "Stay in there or I'll compel you, too!"

I reach for my necklace and notice it's missing, I can't recall seeing it in my things at the hospital either. Who knows where it's gone, maybe it's still in the room where Esther had us. My mind travels back to Stefan and I have to stop myself from going there, since Damon left me in the hospital, I've refused to let myself break down over it all. My heart aches for Stefan and it aches in a completely different way for Damon – both are lost to me, but only one of them coming back will allow me to heal and I'm so afraid that neither will come and I can't let myself feel it all, I'm afraid I won't be able to stop the emotions once they surface.

Caroline, Bonnie and Ric have been with me non-stop. Caroline bitches about Damon's selfishness, playing the role of the best friend who will always have my back, no matter what. Bonnie mothers me, making sure I get my pain meds and that I'm sleeping. But Ric is my favorite to have around. He keeps things light, even when referring to the seriousness of everything that has happened. He's the only one who will mention Stefan's name and who will tell me that Damon reverted back to his old ways, partying it up with sorority girls when he wasn't at the hospital with me at night. Alaric doesn't tell me to hurt me, but because he knows it means Damon is hurting more than he lets on and he's trying to shut off his emotions and he knows it's important that I know this so I know what I'm getting myself into. A Damon who is trying not to feel anything is a dangerous Damon, one who will hurt anyone and anything who tries to make him feel something real.

"You will see him soon enough," Caroline's referring to tonight when we've all decided to have a memorial for Stefan. We don't need to have his body to know he's dead, we all feel it, the loss and the heartache. And though Damon's been a permanent fixture at The Grille the last two days since I woke up, he's agreed to attend the memorial.

"Okay, I'm going to take a nap and then a shower, I need to get the hospital smell off of me."

Caroline scrunches up her nose, "I know, you do kind of smell like stale blood and well, other unpleasant things."

"Thanks."

I close my door and sigh. This day is just going to suck, there's no way around it.

"Dear Elena, what a pleasure to see you up and around," Esther's voice about causes me to jump out of my skin. "Sorry I had to run out on you, but I'm sure you can understand I didn't want to be around when my children came looking for me. I saw that Damon completed what we started so I knew it was safe to leave."

Esther sits on my bed, dressed in a much more updated outfit than the last time I saw her but looking prim, proper and still completely out of place in this era. The first thing I notice is that my necklace is hanging from her neck. Her hand raises to touch it as she notices my gaze. "It was my necklace to begin with, Elena, it seemed only right that I have it back. I regret that it was Stefan that gave it to you, I'm sure it would be nice to have a token of him."

"Yes," I hold her steely look with one of my own. "It would be nice. But then, nothing about this is nice. Aside from your son being dead, that is. My condolences on your loss."

"Insincerity isn't your thing, my dear," Esther clucks, "Besides, I've saved you from a lifetime of pain at my son's hands or a lifetime of running had you opted to go Katerina's route and had yourself turned into a vampire; we both know my son was one to hold a grudge. And as for nice, Stefan made his choice and he chose death, I did not choose it for him. Even if we had postponed what we were doing, Damon still would have died. One brother's life for another. That you got to live was just an unforeseen bonus with Stefan's death, at least for you. It appears that Damon's not thrilled with Stefan's way of doing things."

I ignore her taunting comment, "So, why are you here, Esther, I would have thought you'd be long gone by now, you got what you wanted."

"Indeed, I did. But I wanted to make certain you were safe and that you'd keep it our little secret what happened that night. It's also why I had to take the bodies, I couldn't leave anything behind that would clue my children in on my involvement and witches leave their mark on those they kill. My children suspect it was I who did this to their brother but I'm not ready to let them know I'm alive, I may never be ready. I don't have the heart to kill them, too, but I can't stand knowing what I've turned them into, what they've turned themselves into."

"You can't compel me, so what are you going to do?"

"I have something better than compulsion, Elena, don't you know anything about witches? Given the right amount of time and education, we're stronger than all the other supernatural things, we keep the balance."

"Because you created the imbalance by making your children vampires," I say sharply, backing against my bedroom door as I see her rising from the bed to approach me.

"Careful, Elena, I could kill you so very easily." Esther smiles dismissively, "I won't because that hardly seems fair given everything, but still, I could. I could also erase all your memories, or just the ones around what happened. You'd end up still in love with Stefan, only he'd be dead and you'd not be fully aware of how you opened yourself up to your love for Damon. I know these things and you'd never get him back then. You don't want that, do you?"

"No," I whisper. "I love him, please don't make me lose him."

"I won't, in fact, when I ensure your cooperation, making it so my children can't compel you to tell them the truth and so you can't say anything to them about me, I'm also going to give you a gift."

"What's that," I ask, my voice sounding far steadier than I actually feel.

"The spell to protect you from compulsion will also remove any compulsion you're already under."

"What do you mean? I've always been on vervain or wearing vervain since Stefan gave me that necklace, your necklace."

"Oh, not always, Elena, surely you remember losing this necklace before and then having it back but not knowing where it came from…" She pauses, waiting for me to recall and it hits me, I had been standing there in my room and my necklace was inexplicably back around my neck. At the time I had no idea where it had come from and for some reason I never really questioned it, so much other stuff had come crashing down around us at that time, I just kind of forgot about it. "Soon you'll remember the whole story, my dear, and you'll understand that much more."

"Understand what?"

"Love, which really is the only thing that matters in this life."

She doesn't say more to me directly, simple puts her hands on my head and recites a few lines of witchy chanting. And then she disappears, not vampire-disappears in a flash of speedy movement, but just vanishes from my room. I slump against my door, tears flowing down my face. I hold my head in my hands and just let myself be overcome by it all, the grief rolling over me in powerful waves. I don't know what I'm meant to remember now, but all I can feel is heartache for what I've lost. Everyone and everything.

After a while, I have nothing left and I drag myself into the shower, ready to start over for the day. Ready to say goodbye to Stefan. Ready to find a way to make Damon listen to me, to let himself love me.

By the time I've dried my hair and applied some conservative makeup, it is time to get ready to leave. I find yet another black dress in my closet, vowing to never wear black again, praying I won't have a reason to for a very long time.

I open my bedroom door, wondering if Caroline will let me come down without an escort. I hear hushed voices coming from downstairs, but once voice stands out as I approach the main level of my house, once I don't expect to hear.

Sitting in the couch with Caroline is Jeremy. And tears I thought I'd used up are once again springing from my eyes as I run toward him. He barely has time to stand before I throw my arms around him.

"Hey 'Lena, I hear you've had a rough couple of days, I thought you might like someone to hold your hand today," my brother squeezes me tightly. "Sorry I couldn't get here sooner, there was a snow storm in Denver and my flight got canceled yesterday."

I look to Ric, eyebrows raised, he shakes his head to indicate Jeremy still has no idea how we got him to leave in the first place, "I thought you'd appreciate a visit from your brother. He'll go back in a few days."

"Thanks, Ric, I do appreciate it," I give Jeremy a final hug before letting him go, hoping I'll have the strength to see him off again in a few days. I turn to Caroline and give her what I hope is a convincing smile, "And thanks for making me stay home today, I feel better after a nap and a shower."

If she thinks I'm lying, she doesn't let on, "See, you know I'm always right. Besides, why give Damon the satisfaction of having you go after him."

"Caroline, that's not what this is about, and you know it," I warn. "He's hurting. His brother is dead. Stefan died saving both of us and Damon can't let himself off the hook from the guilt. I'm not going after him, but I'm not letting him continue believing he's doing the right thing by pushing me away by not loving me back."

"I think I missed something here," Jeremy looks more confused than normal. "Did you finally admit that you're in love with Damon?"

"What do you mean, 'finally admit'?"

"Please, Elena, the guy has been in love with you since the day he laid eyes on you and anyone would be blind not to see that you've fallen for him. You were just too caught up with Stefan to see it."

"Well, I see it now… boy, do I see it," I sigh. "But, timing and all…"

"And the fact that Damon's a douche who can't just let himself love someone back." Caroline throws her two cents into the conversation and I shoot her an evil look. "What, it's true, he's being unfair. He's being a martyr."

"He just thinks he's being realistic and can you blame him?" I'm quick to come to his defense, despite being the one who acutely feels the sting of his unfair rejection. "Cut him some slack, Stefan's dead and tonight is about saying goodbye to Stefan, Damon's brother. I can spend every night after this making him believe that I'm not going to change my mind or my heart about him."

"All right then," Ric moves in the direction of the front door, "Shall we go to another funeral? Or as I like to call them, Friday nights or, another reason for my alcohol problem."

"I've missed you, Ric," Jeremy gives our stand-in parent a jab to the stomach. "You always have such a way with words.

"I am a teacher, after all."

Caroline has taken care of all the arrangements for the funeral and has even managed to get a tombstone erected over an empty grave on the Salvatore family plot. Stefan will be symbolically laid to rest in the space next to the joint headstone for his parents, finally at peace. It's just too bad we couldn't put his body in its rightful place, where it should have been buried a century ago.

Damon is already at the cemetery when we arrive, a pretty, blond twenty-something hanging on his arm. I shouldn't be surprised to see he's brought a date, but seeing him with anyone still hurts, and despite knowing what he's up to, I feel a pang of jealousy. He whispers something in her ear as we approach and she dutifully goes and sits in one of the chairs that have been set up for our gathering.

Our eyes lock together but he quickly averts his gaze and directs his attention to my brother, "Little Gilbert, what brings you back to town? Tired of living a happy life already?"

"My sister needed me and someone had to be there for her," Jeremy brushes past Damon, bumping him roughly with his shoulder. His standing up for me makes the corner of my lip curl upward.

Caroline, Tyler and Bonnie walk past Damon, not giving him a second glance.

Ric stops in front of him and shakes his head, "At least you didn't have to change out your wardrobe much for the occasion."

"Ric, thanks for coming, I was worried we wouldn't meet our drunk quota but now we're golden."

"Gee, I prefer comfortably inebriated to the word drunk," Ric's voice is anything but light now. "Drunk is just so cliché, don't you think, Damon. Speaking of cliché, I'm sure your little sorority girl more than fills the quota for drunk and stupid."

"Just stop you guys," I push myself between the two of them, putting a hand on each of their chests. "We're all friends here, let's not forget that. And we are here for a funeral."

"That's right, let's not forget Stefan," Damon's eyes fall down on mine, raising an eyebrow as he looks further down at the hand that's still on his chest. His own hand covers mine and then he lifts it off and returns it firmly to my side. My hand tingles from the momentary contact. "Ready to bid my baby bro farewell? Have you started to fall for him again?"

"Stop it, Damon, I'm not going to fall back in love with him, he's dead."

"Technically so was Katherine and that didn't stop me from loving her for 145 years." I narrow my eyes at his comparison and despite my resolve to not let him get to me or let his words hurt me. "Let's get started, shall we?"

Damon motions for me to join the others in sitting down as he moves to stand behind Stefan's tombstone, using it as a speaking podium.

"Thanks for joining me in celebrating my dear brother, Stefan Salvatore, or as I like to call him, the luckiest bastard I know."

"Damon…" Ric starts, his voice heavy with warning. "Play nice."

"What? I'm just speaking the truth. My brother was damn lucky. He had me for a big brother to always look out for him. He had our father's love until the moment he killed him. He had the unquestioning love of two women, one heartless bitch and one extraordinarily amazing woman." Damon looks at me as he pulls a flask from his jacket pocket and takes a long swig. "And he deserved it all. He was a good person. Sure, he had his moments, or his decades, but underneath it all he was good. He was deserving of the love he received. And he loved me, though I didn't deserve it."

Damon's words hit me like bullet and as I instinctively reach for my missing necklace for comfort, it all comes back to me. That night in my room, Damon returned my necklace; he'd been sitting in my room, waiting for me when I came out of the bathroom. He told me that he loved me, that he couldn't be selfish with me and that he didn't deserve me. That Stefan did deserve me. Esther had given me back that memory, a gift, as she called it. Damon had told me he loved me all that time ago and then fought endlessly to keep me safe and to bring Stefan back to me. Though I could not have known, I'm suddenly overcome with the guilt of it, knowing that I must have hurt Damon so deeply every time he looked at me, knowing I wasn't his; and though he knew I didn't remember, I'm sure he must have felt continually betrayed by my protestations of my love for Stefan. It's no wonder he's so quick to believe that I'll go back to that, that I'll go back to my love for Stefan.

Damon's voice brings be back from inside my head, "Let's all toast my brother, shall we?" And I'm confused because the blond is now standing next to him but my confusion is fleeting as I see Damon bend down, putting his mouth to her neck as his fangs descend into her flesh. He's pushing it now, clearly hoping to push us all away with this so-called toast.

"Damon, stop it! This is bullshit and you know it," I'm surprised to hear Jeremy's voice ring out as the rest of us sit in stunned silence. "Trying to pretend like you don't care is the easy way out and it's so selfish. Give it up, Damon."

Damon pushes the blond away from him and she stumbles back to her seat, two drops of blood beading up on her neck. "What makes you think I'm faking it? Maybe I've turned my emotions off again, maybe I just don't care about any of this anymore, that would seem like the easy way. What better way to avoid the pain and inevitable heartbreak?"

"You think you have the market cornered on faking it? Please, you might be older than me by a dozen decades, but I have perfected faking it. And trust me, it doesn't work. You can't make yourself happy that way, I've tried; you can't forget what you've left behind. What do you think I've been doing in Colorado?"

"You've been having a happy life in Colorado, unless…" Damon's eyes narrow.

"Unless, I was already back on vervain when you compelled me to leave. I let you all believe that I was compelled because I wanted to get the hell out of this town, to get the hell away from everything that was going on. I just wanted a chance to live a normal life and I thought it was my chance but you know what? It was a candy-ass move to make. I didn't feel better or happier in Colorado, instead I felt like I let everyone down. I chickened out on sticking around and it was the most selfish thing I could have done. And it's what you're doing right now. You're being selfish and trying to hurt everyone in your quest to keep yourself from getting hurt. At least I was actually trying to keep myself alive, but you, you just seem like you're trying to keep from getting your feelings hurt." Jeremy stops his rant and turns to me. "I'm so sorry, Elena, I shouldn't have left you. You were just trying to keep me safe but I was supposed to be doing the same for you, no matter what we'd be facing, we should have faced it together. Because that's what you do when you love someone, you stick it out with them."

"Well, are you quite finished, Jeremy," Damon says, emphasizing each syllable in my brother's name. "You make a good point and I can see where you are headed so let me cut you off at the pass. It's true, you should stick around for those you love, but for once, I feel like I should stick by my brother. He loved your sister. He loved her so much that he died to save her life. What kind of person would I be if I swept in after he died and scooped her up to ride off into the sunset together? You said it yourself, Elena, sometimes love isn't enough. I think this might be a time when love just isn't enough."