A/N: Thank you for waiting patiently! With Christmas and New Year's Eve and a lot of other things going on, time just flew by and I have no idea where it went. I'll post the next chapter the day after tomorrow.

This chapter was inspired by the song "The ocean" by The Bravery.

Enjoy!

Thank you for all those lovely reviews!

A very special thank you to my amazing beta and friend AvaniHeath for her thoughts and support!

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Donald P. Bellisario. I'm only borrowing.

12 The ocean

I don't want to lose you, Mac.

Mac watched as the rain fell, tears burning behind her eyes. She was numb with shock; the enormity of her decision hadn't yet caught up with her. How could it have come to this so quickly? This morning, the idea of leaving DC had been just that—an idea born out of exhaustion and despair. Now she had made it reality and yet it felt so surreal that part of her kept insisting that it was just a dream and no more real than the dream she'd had last night.

But she knew that it wasn't.

She didn't want to lose him either. She didn't, but what choice did she have? She couldn't continue to be around him because it was obvious that they couldn't go back to the way things were before the kiss. It had changed something between them; barriers that had been there before, barriers she had built to protect herself, were suddenly gone, torn away by the conflicting emotions raging in her heart, and she knew that he felt the same way.

The way he had looked at her just then…

She curled her fingers around her wrist as she remembered the tingling sensation that had shot up her arm when he touched her. It had sent her mind spinning and her heart racing. And the look in his eyes. She could tell he'd been tempted. As had she. She didn't know what she'd have done if he had kissed her. She wanted to believe that she'd have pulled away, that she wouldn't have kissed him back, but she wasn't sure. She couldn't be sure about anything anymore and that scared her.

Mac, you're not that kind of person, he'd said, surprised by her implication, shocked even. Almost as shocked as she had been when she realised that she couldn't rule out taking things farther than just a kiss one day. The rules she had set for herself, the rules that she led her life by, didn't seem to apply when it came to him. With him, all bets were off. With him, a kiss wasn't just as a kiss.

And a dream wasn't just a dream.

Their friendship had evolved into something deeper and stronger and now that they had acknowledged the truth, they couldn't hide from it anymore. It refused to be ignored, refused to be buried again.

When did it start? she wondered as she touched the cool glass, tracing the trail of a raindrop. When had she realised that she was in love with him? Long before she'd brought it up on the ferry in Australia. But she'd waited. Patiently and sometimes not so patiently, but she'd waited, knowing that he wasn't ready yet for the kind of relationship she wanted. But eventually she'd had to accept the truth that he might never be ready, and she couldn't wait forever.

But I've never stopped, have I?

No. No she hadn't stopped waiting. I'm getting married in less than two weeks, she had told him and part of her had desperately hoped that he's say it. Then don't. Be with me. But he hadn't and she knew that if she didn't end this now, if she didn't leave now while she still could, she'd be stuck in this cycle of misery forever. She didn't want to leave, but she had no choice. It was better this way. It had to be this way. She owed it to Mic that she did everything in her power to put Harm out of her mind once and for all, and putting as much distance between them as she possibly could was the only thing she hadn't tried.

And this was why it had to be this way.

But she'd never meant to hurt Harm.

Perhaps that had been naive of her, for how could she not hurt him? I don't want to lose you, Mac. So desperate, so scared. She'd promised him he wouldn't lose her, but it wasn't a promise she would be able to keep, and she wished she had seen it sooner. She should never have given that promise. But perhaps it wouldn't have mattered either way. This wasn't about a broken promise. Harm knew that, just as he knew that she had no choice because if he didn't, then he would have tried to make her change her mind. But he hadn't.

Still, knowing that it was better this way didn't make it any less painful, not for her, not for him. Her own pain, she could handle. She felt that she deserved it; if she'd managed to move on like she should have, then she wouldn't be hurting right now. But she couldn't bear to see him suffer and the look on his face when he left had torn at her heart.

She'd almost stopped him. And if he'd looked back one more time, if she'd seen the pain in his eyes one more time, she might have. But he hadn't. Mac was grateful that she didn't know where he had gone because if she had, she would have followed him, would have tried to comfort him. Would have tried to make his pain go away. But how could she when she was the cause of his pain?

And so she'd stayed here.

I don't want to lose you, Mac.

The tears spilled over then, silently streaming down her cheeks. She wanted him to come back, wanted to take back what she had said, wanted to go back to the way things were before, but she couldn't. There were things that couldn't be unsaid, couldn't be undone. Shouldn't be undone.

I love him, she thought miserably. Guilt washed through her, clawing cruelly at her wounded heart, and made her throat constrict until she couldn't breathe anymore, until the weight of it became so heavy that she thought it would crush her.

She had called Mic after lunch, telling herself that it was because she missed him and wanted to hear his voice, but truth was that she'd simply tried to placate her guilty conscience. She knew that you could love more than one person and she did love Mic, but what she felt for him didn't compare to her feelings for Harm. She couldn't deny that any longer.

She twisted her engagement ring. She'd cherished it when Mic had first given it to her. But ever since she'd switched it to her other hand, she looked at it and felt a vague sense of dread. She'd thought it was because she was afraid of giving up her independence. Now she wasn't so sure anymore that this was the reason. She slipped it off and placed it in the centre of her palm. It sat there, small and beautiful, sparkling dully in the grey light. She didn't want to feel this way about it. She wanted to look at it and be happy.

Twelve days, one hour, nine minutes.

She curled her hand around the ring, the hard edges of the diamond cutting into her skin.

Her mind was made up.

Life had to go on.

And so did she.

oOo

I didn't think it would hurt this much.

Down at the waterfront, the wind was even colder. It blew ceaselessly, the stretch of grey water visible behind the ships billowing under its force, swelling and falling in a never-ending rhythm. People hurried back and forth, bracing themselves against the gusts of wind that threatened to knock them off their feet.

Harm watched them move past from inside one of the warehouses. He was drenched to the bone, water trickling slowly down his neck. He hadn't thought of the rain, hadn't thought of where to go when he had left the office—and Mac—what felt like hours ago. All that he'd been able to think of was to get away from her, suddenly no longer able to even look at her. He'd meant to say he understood—because he did, on a purely intellectual level at least—but the words had stuck in his throat and so he had just walked away, going everywhere and nowhere as the rain pounded down on him. Eventually he'd ended up here because it was the farthest he could get away from Mac without leaving the base. And because two of their suspects worked down here and he was in desperate need of a distraction to stop Mac's voice from echoing through his thoughts. I can't stay in the DC, she had said, but to him it had sounded like, I can't stay with you.

Why did it hurt so much?

He had known for months that this moment would come, ever since they had set a date. But even while he'd considered the possibility, he had never really expected her to disappear from his life. Part of him had refused to believe that it would ever be any other way than it was now, that she would always be there, that he would never lose her.

How naive he'd been!

He was going to lose her. Not just to another man, but to a life where there would be no place for him. Where there could be no place for him. His memories of her would be the only thing left to him, that and the bitter, painful truth that he would never feel about anyone else the way that he felt about Mac. Because even with her gone, he wasn't so sure he'd be able to let go of her any more than he could of his lifeline.

Lightning flashed across the sky, thunder following instantly. Funny, Harm thought humourlessly, how nature sometimes has a way of mirroring exactly what you're feeling and not giving a damn most of the rest of the time.

He couldn't recall when it had started, when she had stopped being just his friend and partner, when she had become something more. Although it hadn't been love at first sight, he couldn't remember not being in love with her. One day he'd simply looked at her and realised, shocked and somewhat apprehensive, that his feelings for her had changed. But the change itself had been so slow, so gradual that he'd never even noticed that he was falling for her.

He had never hesitated to go after what he wanted, least of all when it came to women. But Mac was different. With her, he wanted more, not just the casual relationships he usually had, the ones that never led anywhere because he couldn't fully commit, the ones he was in because of the sex or the company, or a combination of both. He'd thought he knew what being in love felt like, but, oh, how wrong he'd been! He had no words to describe the way he felt about Mac, to describe this strange, intense connection they shared. Looking at her, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, he often marvelled at his feelings for her because he'd never thought that it was possible to feel this strongly about someone.

But sometimes he looked at her and was terrified because these kinds of feelings—this kind of love—had the potential for great pain and suffering, for loss, and he had already lost one person so very dear to him. And so he'd told her that he wasn't ready, afraid he wouldn't emotionally survive opening up to her the way he would have to in a relationship and then see it all go to pieces. And eventually it would because it always did, because if there was one thing he'd learned in life, it was that nothing ever lasted forever. That everyone left you. That there were no guarantees, no safety nets in life. No lifelines.

It hit him then like a punch in the gut that what he was clinging to so hard was merely the illusion of security, made up of past memories he treasured, made up of everything that he could trust. It made him feel safe and in control, but all it did was keeping him from moving forward. He'd shied away from a relationship with Mac because he didn't want to lose her, but the irony of it was that by doing that he'd ended up pushing her away.

Anger twisted in his chest like a vicious snake, and he clenched his hands, fighting the urge to slam his fist into the wall beside him. A coward, that's what he was. He'd passed up his chance at being with the woman he loved because he was terrified of change. He knew that life changed constantly, that nothing ever stayed the same, and yet he refused to change with it. And now his insistence on holding on to things long past would mean that he'd get left behind, alone and heartbroken and burdened by the knowledge that it wouldn't have had to be this way.

A/N: Please review! You know how much I love hearing your thoughts!