Where it Was Dark
SM owns it all…
Chapter 2
I stood in front of my full length mirror, unable to see the reflection staring back at me. I quickly ran my hand across the tall pane of glass, revealing my reflection from beneath the steam that had covered the mirror.
I clutched my towel closely to me, not yet ready to drop it and expose all of me to myself. I noticed the parts of my body that weren't concealed. My hair, still soaking from my shower hung wet and stringy past my shoulders - the normally dark brown now even darker, my eyes, shallow and sunken, large purplish bags offsetting their deep chocolate brown. My face looked worn, tired and aged beyond my years.
I paid careful attention to my cheekbones. They were protruding more now then they had when I had arrived in Forks. It was only a slight change, but I was acutely aware of how quickly my body was changing as my illness progressed. I had become slightly thinner and undoubtedly more tired-looking.
I allowed the towel to pool gracefully around my feet, and raked my eyes over the reflection of the girl standing before me in the edifying mirror.
My skin was pale white, almost sickly so. And the bones of my body were beginning to protrude slightly – not so much that it was a ghastly site, but enough for me to know that this wasn't my healthy weight. I hadn't been at a healthy weight in three years. I should have been used to staring at this particular reflection, but the woman staring back still remained a stranger to me.
I did the usual once over, checking for bruises or anything else that seemed alarming.
Checking for bruises was a regular routine of mine, especially since I was in remission. Bruising easily was a pretty big symptom of my illness. Checking every morning was like a reassurance.
I sighed in relief when I noticed nothing and quietly crept into my bedroom. It was 6 am and I was pretty sure Charlie wouldn't be up for another half hour. I had woken up at 5:30 with pounding headache, and decided to get a head start on my day.
I reached under my mattress before pulling out a small, red, and tattered notebook. I felt around for the familiar page marker and opened the notebook, smiling down happily at the hand-written list I had began three years ago when I was first diagnosed.
This was one of my most personal and fondest possessions. The night I had been diagnosed with cancer, I had rummaged through my forgotten, unused school supplies and discovered this red notebook. I didn't know exactly what I would start writing in it once I found it, but I knew I needed an outlet. I put my pen to the page and before I knew it, I had begun writing out a list of things I wanted to do before I died.
I know it can seem pretty morbid. At times, I've felt like it really was as morbid as it sounded. But I quickly realized that wishing to live, instead of counting down the days to my potential death, was a much healthier way to cope.
When I was diagnosed I wasn't given a death sentence but I knew that more often then not the word cancer and death were synonymous. I wasn't oblivious to the fact that my chance of survival wasn't exactly great, and I was always aware that death could come knocking on my door any day.
So I began a list. It started out with small things, small hopes and wishes that I thought were worth writing down and remembering. Eventually, the list had grown to accommodate 95 things I wanted to do before I died. I knew that I might never have time to do all of the things on my list, but I also knew that I might. So I always maintained the mindset that it was worth trying to complete it.
It wasn't like I had anything to lose.
I peered down at the paper and smiled fondly at the few items that were highlighted in yellow marker. Those were the things I had already completed.
Experience a first job.
Get my first pay check.
Drive a car.
Own my own car.
Leave Arizona.
Go into remission.
Live with Charlie.
I felt a swell of pride knowing I had completed those things, and more, already. Many of them were small and, to some, might have seemed unimportant. But to me, they were all special in their own way, and each highlighted hope held a powerful memory of my existence and the life that was still brewing inside of me. This list, in my deepest and darkest of hours, was the sole thing that reminded me that I still had a life, and that I should live it to the fullest.
After a year of compiling things to put on my list, it had quickly grown, which was when I decided put things in order, from most important to least important. I was happy to say that I had now completed two of my top twenty: living with Charlie and going into remission.
Each and every time I crossed something off my ever-growing list, I grew hopeful that I would be able to cross everything off, finally completing some of my innermost desires. Completing the list, to me, meant achieving happiness beyond anything I could imagine. It meant that my life might have actually been worth living. That I might have accomplished something, if only for myself.
I sat on my bed, legs crossed, the towel draped around my body slipping from my thin frame. I grabbed the pen sitting on my nightstand and bit my lip as I began to think.
I had something to add to my list. It would be the first time I added anything to it in 6 months. I wrestled with the idea of adding this particular wish. It was something I knew I wanted, but shouldn't have. And it was also something I knew, deep within me, belonged on my list. I couldn't ignore this, and it was something that could easily make my top 10. For now, I decided to place it at the bottom of the list, numberless.
Kiss Edward Cullen.
I sat in silence for a long time, staring at the most recent addition to my list. Kiss Edward? What did that mean, anyway? I knew I had feelings for Edward, but writing this – wanting this- meant that I wanted something to come out of my feelings. Since I had been diagnosed I had not felt this way about anyone. I figured any relationship would just end in pain. People don't really respond well to the word 'cancer', especially when you have some form of attachment to the person you're telling.
Relationships meant honesty, and honesty mean being truthful about my condition. And that just wasn't something I felt was worth it. Until now, I had never wanted to be with anyone. But Edward was… different?
And it was unlikely that he, in all of his god-like glory, would ever want anything to do with me.
The soft knock on the door startled me, and I looked over at my clock: 7:30. It was probably Alice, early as usual. Although, it was weird for her to knock, normally she just let herself in, injecting herself into my personal space in a way that seemed to fill the voids in my life. I liked it, although I wouldn't admit it aloud.
"Good morning, Alice. You can come in." I quickly closed my notebook and shoved it underneath my mattress, fiddling with the towel so that it covered me more appropriately.
"Uh. Well, a good morning it is." Edward said, his voice clearly displaying how uncomfortable the situation had made him. I gasped in shock. I was wrong; it definitely wasn't Alice at the door, made evident by the fantastically beautiful god standing in my doorway.
I hastily picked up a pillow off my bed and threw it at him, watching in awe as he effortlessly dodged and then caught it before it fell to the ground.
"It isn't kind to greet house guests in that manner, Bella." He said through contained laughter.
"It isn't funny!" I fumed, reaching into my closet and pulling out a house robe that I promptly wrapped around me.
"I guess not, but your reaction certainly was comical. But I'll leave you to change into something a bit more appropriate. Oh, and in case you didn't guess, I'm going to take you to school today," he paused, thinking. "If that's alright with you?" I swallowed hard, my heart fluttering wildly in my chest as I thought about Edward Cullen driving me to school – about Edward Cullen wanting to drive me to school, more importantly.
"Yes, it's fine. But I'll need to actually be wearing clothes before you can drive me anywhere. I think Mr. Banner would go into cardiac arrest if I showed up to school in my birthday suit." I said dryly, pulling a brush through my messy hair.
"Probably, although I think Mike Newton would enjoy it more" he said under his breath, walking out of the room. I made a mental note to ask him about that later because it sounded like there was a tone of jealousy in his voice when he said that. I could have just been sadly mistaken, too. Maybe the drugs were making me delirious.
I quickly shrugged into an outfit of my choosing, relishing in the feeling of plain jeans and a t-shirt. I ran my brush through my hair a few more times and quickly crept into my bathroom, rifling through the medicine cabinet for my medication.
I purposely kept my medication hidden at the back of the cabinet, behind as many other things as I could mange, to keep it out of plain sight. I knew that Alice had no qualms with rifling through the things in my bedroom, so I doubted she would be very bothered by the idea of rummaging through my medicine cabinet. And the last thing I wanted was for her to find my stash of prescription drugs. I wasn't sure I could talk my way out of that one.
When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Edward was nowhere to be found. I shuffled into my kitchen, guessing he might be there. I found him standing in front of my refrigerator, staring at the photos. I knew he heard me come in, but he didn't acknowledge me. I glanced down at the table, and noticed a plate of pancakes and a glass of orange juice.
"Did you make this?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yes. It's for you. One of the many ways I plan on apologizing for my behaviour." He stated simply, turning away from me, staring at the pictures again.
"But- but I wasn't even very long upstairs! Ten, fifteen minutes, tops."
"I'm sure Alice mentioned something about vampire speed to you, did she not?" He turned to face me, smiling sweetly. My heart just about stopped beating when he smiled at me like that. Being beautiful really was dangerous.
"Freakish hearing and unnatural speed. Yeah, she mentioned something about that, among other things." I stated coolly, sitting down and smiling widely at the plate of food before me.
"You had curly hair." He said simply, taking a seat next to me. I was confused. Again.
"What?" I asked, shoving another bite of pancake into my already full mouth. I was hungrier then usual – hungry enough to ignore the nausea.
"As a child. Your hair was curly."
"Oh. Yeah. It still kind of is. Well, not really curly, more like wavy now."
"It's still beautiful." He explained, tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear, his cool hand brushing over my cheekbone as he did. I felt my body react to his touch. My heart began beating faster, my skin chilled, and my thoughts were blurry and disoriented.
"I don't think I would necessarily say it's beautiful," I started, apparently so disoriented that I wasn't thinking before speaking "I'm not you or anyone from your family, remember?" I blushed as I realized too late what I had just said. Edward chuckled to himself and leaned back in the chair, staring at me with such intensity that I felt my body begin to wriggle under his gaze.
"Silly Bella, you don't really have a very accurate image of yourself, do you?" I snorted. Loudly. I was sure it sounded repulsive and unladylike, but I couldn't stop the noise of disbelief from escaping me. Edward beamed at the sound, his eyes wide and his grin reaching from ear to ear.
"That was adorable. And I also enjoy the rosy red colour that appears on your face whenever you do something you think warrants embarrassment."
"Ugh. Adorable? Not so much. Embarrassing? Yeah." I exclaimed, bowing my head and shoving the last bite of food into my mouth, washing it down with a swig of orange juice. But as the cold liquid coursed down my throat, my stomach immediately grumbled and I felt a strong wave of nausea hit me as my mouth began watering.
Yup. I was going to puke. And yes, I was going to puke while Edward Cullen was in my house!
I ran to the bathroom as quickly as I could, slamming into the washroom door in my haste. I fumbled around; searching for the door handle, but the door was now open. Edward must have opened it for me. I groaned as I realized that meant he was behind me, witnessing the horror that was me.
And how would I explain this? I had eaten way too fast, and way too much. Normally when I was around others, I took my time eating, only eating small bits, which helped tremendously to control my nausea. I must have been so captivated by Edward, and so hungry that I had forgotten myself.
When I was finished, I flushed the toilet and uneasily watched as the remainder of my wonderful breakfast swirled down the toilet. Edward said nothing as I brushed my teeth and shuffled downstairs, throwing my jacket on and walking toward his car.
He opened the door for me and I climbed in, all the while remaining silent.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, speeding quickly through the town of Forks, swerving in and out of traffic, making record time.
"I'm fine."
"Really? I don't think violently vomiting after eating constitutes being fine, Bella." He sounded agitated. He reached into the backseat and produced a jacket and handed it to me.
"What's this for?" I asked, confused. This confusion thing was quickly becoming a trend.
"You're shivering."
"Oh."
"Should I turn around and take you back to your house? You're sick. You should get some rest." He slowed the car to the speed limit and peered at me.
"I'm really okay. I promise. I've been feeling off all week, I think it was just a stomach bug, but I'm probably just getting over it now. I should be fine."
"I really think you should go home, Bella. You're probably still not fully recovered and-"
"Unfortunately for you, you don't really have any say in the matter. So, if you would, keep driving in the direction of school, please."
"I might not have a say in this matter, but I do have two medical degrees to back me up here, Bella." I think that was probably the point at which my mouth dropped open in awe. Two medical degrees? How did one manage that?
"Two? How do you have two? And why!?" I asked, incredulously.
"I'm 108 years old. I've had some time on my hands. And I don't require sleep. This means I've had even more time on my hands. And I have two because the medical field is quite expansive, and I felt I didn't quite cover it all with only one degree."
"So… you're a doctor?" I questioned. My panic was now beginning to rise. It didn't help that he could monitor my heartbeat without being near me, or that he was uncannily perceptive. Now he had two medical degrees worth of knowledge about illnesses. This would make it extremely difficult time hide my condition from him.
"Well, not exactly. In theory, I am a doctor although, I've never practiced medicine, only studied the theory. So, I don't really qualify myself as a doctor." He explained "Don't look so impressed, Bella. It's really not that difficult, and I had a lot of time on my hands, as I already said."
Suddenly, I felt nauseous again. Did I really believe I had any business dreaming of kissing Edward Cullen? Wishing to have him hold me in his arms, be with me, share his life with me? No. I had no business coveting perfection, not when I was so far from perfection myself.
Ugh. Damn vampires and their unqualified perfection.
***
"Bella, it's really not the end of the world!" Alice chided, although her voice still sounded bubbly and electrifying.
"Alice, you can't force me to do something against my will. Take me home, please."
"Too late!" She said happily "We're already driving, and I don't want to pull an illegal u-turn. You know, considering your dad is the Police Chief, you'd think you'd be more safety-oriented!" Alice beamed as her foot pushed down harder on the pedal.
"Oh, right, I forgot that driving well over the speed limit is just the epitome of safe!" I was getting angry now, and I really wasn't in the mood for this. I was tired, and I was already late taking my medication because Alice had decided that a celebratory shopping trip was in order. She didn't mention what we were celebrating, which made me believe we weren't actually celebrating anything and that was just a lame excuse.
"Honestly, Bella, you really shouldn't be so bothered by Edward. He has a few medical degrees - so what? He's definitely not perfect. Don't sell yourself short. You'll know soon enough that Edward is far from perfection. If that is the reason you don't want to come over, please don't let it be."
"I didn't tell you what was bothering me. How did you know?"
"Don't worry about that. Here we are!" She exclaimed happily, pulling into the driveway of what I presumed to be her home. I was in awe. Absolute awe.
"You live here?"
"Yup. C'mon, everyone is inside – I might have mentioned that you'd be coming over."
"You mean you already knew I'd be coming over?" I said, remembering that Alice had the very convenient talent of being able to see the future.
"Exactly!" Alice grabbed my arm and pulled me through the doorway and into her home. It was immaculate in all of its brilliant glory. I had never seen a house adorned with so many windows in my entire life. It was as though every inch of wall was either covered in a piece of impressive art work, or was a window instead. It allowed the dim light of the cloudy sky to peek through the glass, filtering the reflection of the greenery of the secluded outdoors into their home. Everything seemed to have a slightly earthy tone to it.
Alice gave me a short tour of the main floor, which ended in the kitchen, where the rest of the Cullen family was gathered. Of course, I had already met Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Edward, but I had yet to meet Carlisle or Esme.
"Hey Bella!" Emmett greeted happily, his large hand patting my back excitedly. Jasper gave me a pleasant hello, as did Edward, but Rosalie barely even acknowledged my presence. I assumed it would be Alice introducing me to her parents, but, to my shock and surprise, it was Edward instead.
"Bella, this is our father and mother, Carlisle and Esme." Esme immediately pulled me into a gentle embrace, whispering in my ear that she was happy to finally meet me. Carlisle extended his hand and welcomed me into his home. If it hadn't of been for Rosalie, I would have felt like the Cullen's home was mine, too.
Rosalie was pretty intimidating. She was actually the only vampire of the bunch that frightened me. And I wasn't even really sure why she had such a dislike for me, anyway.
I spent the evening with the Cullen's, existing amongst them in a way that felt natural. I watched as Jasper and Emmett played video games together, and laughed when Jasper manipulated Emmett to sulk like a child after losing to him. Alice gave me a tour of her walk in wardrobe, forcing me to try on a few things while we were at it. She had enough clothing to last her a lifetime, and most of it she would only wear once and then never look at again.
Carlisle showed me his office; pointing out hundreds of books he thought I might enjoy reading, and I was instantly impressed by his wonderful taste in literature. I was also fascinated by the hundreds of photographs he had all over his office. I wasn't sure what they meant, or who they were of, but I could tell they were important. Carlisle told me how vital it was to keep what they were a secret, and I assured him that I would never tell a single soul. He said he trusted me, and I truly believed he was genuine.
Afterwards, I listened to Edward play the piano. He was resistant to the idea at first, but after Esme pleaded with him he finally gave in. He was magnificent, and if I was unsure about the way I felt for Edward, after hearing him play I was no longer confused. His fingers lithely hit the keys as though the music were just as much apart of him as breathing. When his hands glided softly over the keys, a shiver went down my spine. He was completely absorbed by his art, it was beautiful to witness.
I would have stayed longer, but it was getting late and Charlie didn't know where I was. I could also feel the beginnings of a terrible headache, which indicated to me that I needed to get home, rest and take my medication.
"That's a really fantastic copy of Le Bonheur de Vivre," I said, pointing to the exquisite painting hanging in the foyer of the Cullen's home. For once, it was Edward that looked completely confused.
"You're familiar with Matisse?" Edward asked with wide eyes. I smiled as I slipped on my shoes and straightened up so my body was only inches from his.
"Of course. Timeless work." He smirked and quickly reached behind me, pulling my jacket from the closet.
"Timeless, indeed. But it's not a copy. It's the original." He said easily as he helped me slip into my jacket.
"That's impossible." I stated, my brows furrowed and my eyes locked on the magnificent painting before me. Before I knew what was happening, Edward had twirled my body around and bowed his head, so that his intoxicating breath was filling my senses, rendering me completely unaware.
"Nothing is impossible," and then, he kissed me.
If I write it, you review it. That's just the way it should go.
Thanks to KrisBlack for being my fantastic beta. You are amazing and you keep me motivated.