A/N: This chapter sucks. I wrote it down really quickly just to get it over with. Nothings's happening, not really anyway, but I needed a chapter like this, and here it is. The next one will be better - a lot better. I promise! Cross my heart and hope to die! Because now it really gets interesting. I have lots of ideas, some already written down, so I now have to decide which ones to use.

Just bear with me guys!

By the way, thank you so much for the reviews. I find it hard to believe that someone's actually reading it!

Just a reminder: The books and everything in them are property of Stephenie Meyer; I'm only borrowing them.

CHANGES

BELLA

I was burning.

At first it wasn't so bad. My skin tingled and itched as if I'd been in the sun for too long without using sunscreen. Uncomfortable, but bearable. Unfortunately, I'd been there before and knew what was going to happen next.

This time nobody was here to save me.

I pressed my lips into a tight line, my body rocking. Screaming wouldn't do any good, wouldn't provide relief, even temporarily. „Kill me," I whimpered again, pulling Jake's big head down to me, although my palms felt as if the skin had been stripped away, leaving the flesh bare and unprotected.

Jake disentangled his fur from my hands and slowly backed away, his dark eyes sad. Then his hackles rose, and he growled. That's it, I thought, almost relieved, and closed my eyes, expecting him to strike and end the excruciating pain.

He didn't. When I opened my eyes again, everything distorted by the fire raging through my body, he was gone. „Jake?" I whimpered. Had he left? Why would he do that? If he didn't kill me, he'd break the pack's law.

Then he stomped back in, slamming the door shut behind him, his expression furious.

Why had he phased back? I wondered, and then the fire wiped every conscious thought from my mind.

Pain. No, pain was too weak a word to describe what I felt. Agony. Yes, agony. The fire rippled through my body as the venom spread. Torturing me. Changing me.

And there was no way to stop it.

Seven years ago I'd have embraced it. I'd even asked for it, but he'd refused. Now, of course, I knew why he had. He'd told me, that night in the forest...

No. No. No. I couldn't become a vampire. I couldn't face eternity alone. Without him. Without Jake and the pack. Without my father. Without my mother.

I just couldn't.

If only Jake would kill me. He sat by the door, his eyes on his cell phone in front of him; it had been ringing ever since he'd returned, but he didn't seem inclined to answer. Once in a while he'd murmur to himself, too low for me to hear. What was he thinking?

Eventually, I did scream. I couldn't help myself, and with each wave of fire washing through my body I screamed in agony. I screamed until I was hoarse.

Jake didn't look at me.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

He didn't move, didn't even blink. He just sat there.

Please...

Eventually, the fire receded. At first I thought imagining it. Surely, it wouldn't just end. Surely the pain wouldn't just go away. But it did. I was able to feel again, feel something other than pain. The flames vanished. From my toes and and my fingers. Then from my legs and arms. My heart suddenly took off as if to escape the fire. It started beating to fast I was afraid it would jump right out off my chest. Beating and beating and beating and beating and beating.

Until it stopped.

I gasped. The fire settled in my throat, burning away. Uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. But bearable.

And then it was over.

Disorienting.

Yes, that's the best word to describe it. Disorienting. Everything was suddenly so intense, so much more. I must have been blind and deaf before. How could I have missed the beauty of the grainy ceiling, a moonscape with craters and mountains? How could I not have heard the fluttering of a bird's wings, the forceful beating of its tiny heart as it flew by?

My kind is easily distracted, he'd once said, the memory mercifully dim. Now I knew why. How did you get anything done when everything was so... amazing?

Jake cleared his throat, and I was on my feet before I'd even thought about standing up.

„That'll take some getting used to," he murmured, so low I shouldn't have been able to hear. Staring at him, it was as if I'd never seen him before. His soft, glowing russet skin. His smooth, glossy black hair. And his eyes. So dark and empty. I'd never seen him looking at me like that.

And I'd never thought he would.

I swallowed, trying to fight the wave of despair washing over me, a sensation so intense my knees almost buckled.

Why hadn't he killed me?

Ask him.

„Jake," I whispered, then I suddenly found my hands clamped over my mouth. Again I didn't remember moving. The voice. My voice. It sounded... different. Smoother. More melodious. Beautiful.

It didn't sound like me at all.

I could tell that Jake agreed. He stared at me, his eyes hard. What was he seeing? Bella? Or a monster. That's what I was now, wasn't it? A monster. I wasn't Bella anymore.

I wasn't Bella anymore, was I?

„How are you feeling?" he asked eventually.

Why did he care?

I answered anyway. Sooner or later he'd leave; I was sure of that. I had to make the most of it while he was still here.

„I don't know. Everything's so..." I struggled for the right word; I didn't know if Jake would be able to understand. „Intense," I finished eventually, for lack of a better word.

A smile flashed across his face. „Yeah, I know the feeling."

How... Oh. Yes, of course he did. When he'd started changing shortly before he'd phased into a wolf for the very first time, it must have been very confusing for him, too. I was glad he understood. But would it be enough? He'd changed into a werewolf because he'd inherited the genetic disposition.

I'd changed because Victoria hadn't succeeded in killing me.

Silence. What was I supposed to say? Jake didn't seem to know, either; he kept tapping his fingers against his thigh. Impatient as always.

I glanced out the window. The sky was dark. No moon. What time was it? What day was it? How long had I been out? Surely that was something I could ask. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I frowned. Then I realized what the problem was. Air. I had been holding my breath - I hadn't even noticed, but I had - and used up all the air still left in my lungs. Huh. So I could go without air. It wasn't very pleasant, though. For one thing, I didn't smell anything. And then there was the talking issue.

So I took a deep breath, and the Jake's scent - it had to be his; there was nobody else in here - almost made me gag. He'd told me he'd smell different to a vampire than a human. But this...

„You okay?" he asked.

„Yeah," I gasped. „It's just... You're right. You do smell different."

„So do you." He sighed. „Like sweet bleach."

Silence again. My throat was burning. I had to feed. But I was afraid that if I went outside I might kill a human. And if I did, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. My mouth was dry, parched.

I could tell Jake was worried. He stood in front of me, his back to the door. The air smelled stale, and I glanced around. The windows were closed. I usually kept them open - after all the thing I was afraid of most wouldn't be repelled by a closed window - so Jake must have closed them. Why?

"No fresh air," he said, and my new brain which seemed to work a lot faster understood at once. No fresh air, no human scent. Just me. And Jake. And another scent which caused venom to well up in my mouth. His scent, the scent of all vampires, had always been so appealing to me. And so was this. It smelled better than anything I'd smelled before. I didn't know how to describe it; I tried to compare it, but nothing fit. And yet there was an edge to it that caused my muscles to lock, ready to attack.

Victoria. I inhaled, nostrils flaring. I would never forget the scent.

"Bella," Jake said eventually, "we need to talk."

Jake left that night.

He wanted to stay with me, but he couldn't. He had work. He had is pack. And it would break Charlie's heart if we both disappeared. And that's what I would do. Disappear for a while. I couldn't stay near humans. My short hunting trip with Jake had proven that I didn't have the restraint. The smell of human blood... Animal blood didn't compare. Not even close. I could fight it. If I held my breath it wasn't so bad. But I was afraid that I might lose control. I'd almost killed a hunter who'd been stalking a deer. If Jake hadn't been with me I most likely would have. He'd had to physically haul me away. I didn't fight him, but in human form he wasn't a strong as me and he'd been exhausted when we were finally back at my house. He couldn't phase; he was afraid Sam would force him to kill me.

I wouldn't see Jake again. Sam didn't have a choice. I was a vampire now. The pack killed vampires. It was as simple as that. Sam wouldn't allow Jake to stay in touch. He'd promised he'd try.

After Jake was gone I started packing. I wanted to get away a far as possible. The forest maybe. I didn't relish the thought of living under the free sky from now on, but again I didn't have a choice. I wasn't safe to be around.

I didn't take much. A few set of clothes. Document I might need later on. The wolves Jake had made for me. A few books.

I left everything else. I wrote a letter to my father, telling him I'd be taking some time off, that everything had become too much for me to bear, and asked him to get my stuff. I faxed my letter of resignation to the hospital. I left my cell phone on the dresser in the bedroom. As I flitted through the house I didn't look into a single mirror. I didn't want to see myself, didn't want to know what I'd become. I would make the end of my life so much more real.

And then I left Pasadena. I lived in the forest, away from humans until I thought I had myself under control. A year passed, and I began testing myself. I went into villages near humans, went into supermarkets, public places. And when I found that I was able to control my thirst - unpleasant, but possible - I went looking for a job again. I got lucky. I found a job in Anchorage, working as a pathologist. It was ideal. In a hospital, but the dead were safe to be around. And maybe in time I'd be able to work in the ER again.

I bought a house, having not touched my account for over a year. It was near the edge of the city, secluded and almost in the forest. Small, but enough for me. I sent Jake a letter; I hadn't heard from him in over a year, but I got a response. Just a few lines. Glad to hear from you. Miss you so much. Jake. Nothing more. But it was enough. I wasn't well. I was depressed, but what choice did I have?

Life relentlessly went on.

Even for me.

EDWARD

Tanya was persistent.

I'd told her no. I'd all but spelled it out for her. I'd even asked Esme to talk to her; Alice would still leave the room when I entered. Esme had talked to her for hours and hours and hours, but she needn't have bothered. Tanya hadn't listened. She didn't want to understand.

She was as pigheaded as Rosalie.

"Would you like to join me tonight?" Tanya asked, her thoughts as hopeful as her smile.

"Tanya," I sighed, turning so she wouldn't see me roll my eyes. Telling her - for the forty-seventh time - that I didn't return her feelings wouldn't do any good. Tanya had been in love with me for over fifty years. She'd never told me, but then she didn't need to. I knew. She was older than me, both in terms of human and vampire years. She assumed that's why I wasn't interested. It wasn't. I liked her well enough, and I didn't care how old she was. Age wasn't an issue for us. I just wasn't in love with her. I never had been.

"Well?"

"I'm sorry," I said, and I meant it. "You know I can't."

Her next question took me by surprise.

Are you still in love with her?

Now that wasn't what I had expected. My family didn't dare to even think about her when I was around. Why would Tanya mention her? She'd never met her. She recalled my visit all those years ago when i'd run away from Forks, afraid I'd kill her if I stayed. She'd thought I'd lost it. She'd never said so, of course, and she'd tried not to think about it.

I didn't care. Not really. I hadn't then, and I didn't now. So why would she bring her up? The human girl. Her rival. Did it matter? I'd told her before. Maybe I had to tell her again one more time. Maybe then she'd finally understand.

Knowing Tanya I didn't think so. But of course I answered her question anyway. "Yes, I do."

Silence. Tanya's mind was busy. She hadn't planned on bringing her up. I saw that now. I sighed, allowing my own time to wander to give her time to think it through.

I'd planned to leave. Carlisle hadn't asked me to stay. Esme would be very happy if you stayed for a few days. That's what he'd said. And so I'd stayed. Three days. That what I'd told myself. I'd stay for three days, then return to Siberia. I'd say goodbye.

But after the three days were over I'd found that I couldn't. I couldn't say goodbye to them. It felt so good to be home. So I'd decided to stay another week. And then another. And as the weeks stretched into months, and the months into years I found I didn't want to leave and be alone again.

He's getting better, Esme had said one evening when she'd thought I'd been out hunting. But I wasn't. I'd never get over her. She was always on my mind. Only Jasper knew the truth. We didn't talk much these days, mostly because of Alice. But he'd promised not to tell anyone, and I was grateful he had.

"You left her," Tanya said eventually. "And you won't go back to her, will you?"

"No, I won't."

"Then..." She hesitated. Then why don't you try to forget her?

"It's not that easy," I replied. "I don't want to forget her. I love her. I always will. Until I die."

Tanya gasped, and I realised too late what I'd said. Dread washed through me. If Carlisle... No. I gave myself a mental shake. They might as well learn my intentions. I couldn't live in a world where she didn't exist. Once she was dead I'd go to the Volturi.

"Edward," she whispered, "you can't."

"Yes," I said softly, "I can."

You've lost your mind, she'd said before she left. Was she right? I wondered as I watched her walk down the driveway to her car. Had I lost my mind? Maybe. I snorted at my reflection in the glass. Rosalie certainly would have agreed. She hadn't been happy at all when Esme asked her to leave me alone today...

Well, Rosalie and Emmett had left for Europe a few days ago, courtesy of Carlisle. He'd suggested they fly over for a week or so, and while I couldn't help but feel guilty about the fact that - again - I'd torn my family apart, even if it was only temporarily, I appreciated it.

I wanted to be alone today. I needed to be alone.

Carlisle and Esme were gone for the day, too, hunting, and Alice and Jasper would join them after school. They'd return tonight, but until then I'd have the house to myself, and for once I didn't have to hide my misery.

We'd been in Anchorage for a week now. They'd wanted me to return to school. It might help, son, Carlisle had said. But I knew it wouldn't. Too many haunting memories, too much to remind me of her. I couldn't face school. I just couldn't.

Tanya was gone. I turned and walked over to the piano which had been delivered yesterday. Would Tanya tell her family about my plans? She would. They didn't have any secrets, just like we used to. And her family would most certainly tell Carlisle. But that was alright. If they did, I wouldn't have to.

Coward.

I sat down at the piano, hands in my lap. I hadn't played in nine years. Music had always been so very important to me, even when I was still human. But now... So many memories. I closed my eyes. The day I'd composed her lullaby. The day she'd first heard me play. The day I'd recorded the CD for her birthday.

Her birthday.

Today.

I struck the keys despite myself. Still in perfect tune. My fingers moved of their own accord now. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed playing. The notes wove into a delicate melody. Her lullaby. Sadness washed over me, and I wanted to cry. I missed her so much.

You haven't played in so long.

Alice.

She was sitting on the stairs, watching me. I hadn't heard her come home. I knew why she was here at once, of course. She'd seen what I'd decided. And she didn't like it.

"I know," I said quietly.

Silence. I couldn't play with her watching.

She smiled, and I smiled back at her. I wasn't forgiven. Maybe she'd never forgive me, but she was talking to me again. It was a start.

"You're home early," I said. "Weren't you supposed to go hunting?"

She shrugged. "I'm not that hungry." She sauntered over and sat down beside me. She struck a key, and then another. Alice preferred singing over playing, but she'd always enjoyed hearing me play; she even used to play with me on occasion. Her was mind busy now, a thousand thoughts buzzing simultaneously. "So Tanya was here today," she said eventually. A statement, not a question. Of course Alice would know.

"She was," I confirmed, and then we lapsed into silence again.

Alice's fingers danced over the lullaby again. Alice had been there when I composed it.

My little sister. I'd hurt her so much.

"I'm sorry, Alice," I whispered.

She glanced up.

"I shouldn't have asked you to leave."

A smile spread across her face, and I realised she'd been waiting for me to apologise. "No," she agreed, her voice gentle, "you shouldn't have." She sighed. "I know why you did it, though. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now, but I understand. Besides, it's as much our fault as yours. We shouldn't have listened to you, but we did." Her voice was sad.

Pain. I'd caused so much pain. Did I regret what I'd done? Two years ago I'd have said no. Today I wasn't so sure. Maybe there'd been another way. Maybe I'd overreacted. Maybe...

Maybe I wouldn't have torn my family apart.

Was it too late to fix my mistake? So much time had passed. I'd asked her to move on. What if she had? She was human after all. She was twenty-seven now, ten years older than me in terms of human years. Maybe she was married. Maybe she even had children. I couldn't go back to her. Not after what I'd said that night in the forest.

And yet I wanted to.

"You can't go to Italy," Alice whispered suddenly. "I don't want to lose you." Her voice broke on the last word, and I gathered her into my arms. She sobbed tearlessly into my shoulder, repeating the same words in her mind over and over again.

You can't. You can't. You can't. You can't...

"I'm sorry," I whispered, „but I have to. I just..." I broke off. And then - then I told her. I told her everything. I told her that I wished I hadn't left. I told her that I wished I knew if she was fine. I told her everything I'd kept to myself until now, and eventually she stood why I wanted to go to Italy.

She didn't accept it, however.

"I'll find a way to stop you," she said, a promise. „I still have at least, what, seventy years?"

We were still sitting at the piano when Carlisle, Esme and Jasper returned. Alice was curled up against my side, listening. Jasper frowned when he saw us, then shrugged. He'd only been angry with me because of Alice. If she forgave me, so would he.

"Did you have a nice trip?" Alice asked cheerfully and darted over to Jasper to embrace him.

"Very much," he said, smiling down at her affectionately. "I'm sorry you weren't there."

"Let's go hunting now," she suggested. She took his hand, winked at me and pulled him out the door. It wasn't very difficult to guess what she was up to - even without the ability to read minds.

"Did you have a nice day?" Esme asked as she sat down beside me.

"I did," I replied, and she smiled. "Tanya was here, but she didn't stay very long."

"You weren't rude, were you?" Esme raised an eyebrow, a mock rebuke, and I rolled my eyes. As our mother of sorts she thought it her responsibility to rebuke us whenever she thought we deserved it. She wasn't very serious about it - most of the time, anyway - and when she saw my expression, she squeezed my arm and smiled. "I'm sure you were quite a gentleman. I asked her not to come today, but she obviously didn't listen."

"For a vampire she's surprisingly inattentive," I said, and Esme laughed in agreement.

"I guess she is. I can talk to her again if you'd like to me."

"No. I'm almost positive she won't bother me again." I didn't think she'd come to see me again anytime soon, and I certainly wouldn't drive to Denali.

I moved on to another song. Esme was watching me, wondering what Alice and I had talked about, wondering what had made me sit down at the piano and play after nine years. She would never ask me, of course - it was one of her business - but she was curious and would have liked to know what had to visibly lifted my mood. Was I in a better mood? I still felt incomplete - as if a vital part of me had disappeared - but there was no despair, no sadness threatening to crush me.

"Bella," I said. It felt weird. I hadn't spoken - or thought - her name in nine years, and Esme's eyes widened in surprise. And shock. "We talked about Bella."

Esme stared at me, and Carlisle who'd gone upstairs to read put aside the book.

I shrugged. Then Esme smiled and squeezed my arm again. I'm glad, she thought, hugging me before she went to join Carlisle on the second floor.

And surprised I realized that I was glad, too.