A/N: And here's the next chapter. I actually wrote it before I wrote 'Past', and I hope there aren't any inconsistencies. Also, I don't know when I'll be able to post—or write—the next chapter. I already started and I'm positive I'll manage to at least partially finish it before Christmas, but after the holidays I'm going to be busy with school until February 15—very important exam!

I hope you enjoy 'Secrets'. I know I said before that I didn't like writing from Edward's POV, but this was actually very nice to write.

Thanks again for the reviews!

Merry Christmas everyone (just in case I don't manage to update before the holidays)!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything; it's property of Stephenie Meyer.

9. SECRETS

EDWARD

She'd asked me to leave.

I didn't know what I'd expected, what I'd hoped. If I'd thought she'd welcome me back with open arms I'd been a fool, yet as I slipped out the window into the dark, cold night, never looking back, never hesitating for I was sure that if I did I wouldn't be able to leave, I had to admit that part of me had hoped just that, however foolish the idea had been. Resisting the temptation to remain nearby, to find out what she'd do next, I leaped over the low fence around the back yard and slowly walked back the way I'd come earlier that day; Bella had asked me to leave, and I'd honour her request. That was the least I could do now.

When the house had disappeared behind the trees I stopped. I didn't want to go home. I wasn't looking forward to talking to my family and telling them what I'd discovered—lying about what I'd discovered—and was glad, and grateful, that Alice had offered to keep my secret until I was ready to reveal it. It wasn't fair on her, and it wasn't fair on the rest of my family, either, not after what I'd put them through. I knew that, yet the thought of confessing that everything I'd done, that all the pain I'd caused had been in vain made my insides churn unpleasantly. I should have told them, but I hadn't, and now that I'd actually seen Bella I couldn't. Not yet.

How much she'd changed… She'd become a vampire, but the changes ran deeper. She wasn't the same person I'd left in Forks. She was older now, more mature. She wasn't a girl anymore. And she was unhappy. I'd seen it in that woman's memory as well as in her own face. Was it because of what she'd become? Because of how her life had changed, had been torn apart, when she was turned? She must hate me for what had happened to her, for even if it hadn't been my venom condemning her to this life, this existence, who else was to blame but me? I'd pulled her into this world, a world she had no business in, and now she had to pay the price.

I walked on slowly through the silent night. Nobody was here, no mind calling out to me, distracting me. The forest canopy was so dense the ground was almost free of snow, and the animals had fled. I was alone. I hadn't been alone in a very long time, never actually since Emmett and Rosalie had dragged me back from Siberia. They'd made sure someone was always with me, and while they'd tried to hide it, however futile the attempt, I knew why. They were afraid I'd leave again, and they were afraid of what I might do once I'd left. I hadn't made plans, not really. Alice would know the second I decided, so I'd been careful not to decide anything, and when I finally had, two days ago, she had known, and she hadn't liked at all what she'd seen. And now… Now that vision would never come true. My plans had suddenly become obsolete.

But… If killing myself could have changed the past and saved Bella from becoming a vampire, I would have done it, and gladly.

My family wouldn't agree, of course. They'd be happy to have her back, ecstatic even, and that was the second reason I didn't want to—couldn't—tell them the truth. How could I face their joy, their delight, when they were happy about the very thing I'd been trying, and failed, to prevent so hard?

"Why?" I whispered to myself and crumpled to the ground as I had before, clenching my fists so hard my knuckles stood out even paler against my pale skin, then my back arched as I roared, "WHY?" causing a flock of crows to abandon the trees in a hurry, crying out furiously. I sank back to the ground, breathing heavily. I felt empty, exhausted. I wanted to cry, wanted to curl up like a child and weep. It wouldn't change anything, wouldn't make the situation less desperate, but I didn't care. Everything had gone wrong, so horribly wrong, and there was nothing I could do about it. "Why?" I whispered again, my voice rough. Who'd done this to her? Why? Had he or she done it on purpose? By accident? I should have asked her, but looking at her face, her eyes, no longer brown but black with thirst, and her blank expression, I hadn't been able to find the words.

I turned to face the sky, the wet ground almost warm against my back. The clouds were gone; they usually vanished at night, revealing the stars hidden underneath. I let my fingers rake the damp earth and inhaled its rich, delicious scent, which reminded me of Siberia, and while my memories of that time were dark and bleak I found myself wishing I was back there, away from everything, alone.

I didn't know what to do. She'd asked me to leave, so how could I possibly return? The desire to hurry back to her was so very strong, yet her request kept me rooted to the spot. What was I supposed to do? Should I just go home? Talking to Alice might help, but she wouldn't return for another few hours, and facing my family now… I might be able to fool Esme and Carlisle, but Jasper… Never. He couldn't read my mind, but he'd read my emotions and he'd know something was wrong. I felt helpless, defeated, and a sob rose in my throat and broke free, the cry of a wounded animal that knew there was no way out of its predicament.

I'm almost there. Attuned to Alice as I was, I heard her call out to me in her mind before I heard her actually approach. "No," I croaked, trying to sit up. I didn't want her to see me like that, but my body wouldn't obey and she was already close, so close, and then she was kneeling on the dirty ground next to me in her expensive designer jeans, ruining them, running her fingers over my head ever so gently as dry sobs shook my chest.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered, pulling me against her tiny frame and curling protectively around me to rock me like a child. "I promise." She didn't object as I pulled her against me, sobbing into her neck, my eyes burning with tears I couldn't shed. "We'll sort this out," she continued, in a voice so soft it was barely audible. "I know we will."

—

It took me a very long time to calm down. Alice held me, rocking me like a child, comforting me until I had, then curled up against me as we both lay on the ground, staring at the dark blue sky. "I don't deserve you," I said eventually.

"Nobody deserves me," Alice replied, grinning smugly. I reached beside me, tousling her wet black hair, and although she'd known what I would do, she didn't pull away. Instead she pouted, wrinkling her nose just a little, and expression so adorable I felt a smile tug at the corner of my mouth, which was exactly what she'd intended. Alice stood up, and I let her pull me to my feet. We set off together, slowly walking side by side. "I'm sorry it took me so long to find you," she said after a while, which wasn't what I'd seen in her head, what she'd wanted to say, but I chose to pay no attention to what was going on inside her busy mind. "I didn't know exactly where you were, so I had to go by … the house to pick up on your trail."

"I'm glad you came," I replied, and I meant it. It wasn't very hard to imagine how Esme and Carlisle—or, God forbid, Rosalie and Emmett—would have reacted if they'd been the ones to find me, but I could trust Alice not to tell anyone. She didn't worry about me, not anymore. She truly believed everything was going to be alright. "I just… I didn't expect her to be so…"

"Indifferent?" Alice suggested quietly, and I nodded. "I caught most of it. I didn't know why I didn't see before, but I saw her enter her house and talk to you, and I even saw her go back to her car—nice ride, by the way—and drive away, and the bear-wrestling sequence was just cool, but she blurred out of sight again right after she'd disposed of the body…" She trailed off, raising her eyebrows. "Yes?" she asked politely, faintly amused. I saw my dumbfounded expression reflected in her mind, and almost smiled too.

"Bear-wrestling sequence?" I asked.

Alice grinned and replayed the entire vision for me, starting at the end of our conversation. I saw Bella stand in the middle of her bedroom, her face still wearing the same non-expression it had worn before. For a minute, maybe even two, she just stood there like a immovable statue, but then she did move, and her movements were so swift a human wouldn't have been able to seen her at all as she changed into a different set of clothes and hurried down the stairs and back into her car. I saw her race down the street and only narrowly avoid crashing into another car when her Porsche skidded around the corner because its tyres momentarily lost grip on the slick asphalt, then she was speeding down the street, already going ninety miles per hour.

Alice skipped ahead, and the vision changed. A forest, green and dense, but no snow, and I knew Bella wasn't in Alaska anymore. She parked the car, hiding it inside the trees, carefully concealing it so nobody would accidentally find it, then set off into the greenish thicket, slowly at first, then faster as she caught the scent of an animal, the bear Alice had mentioned. Her nostrils flared, her eyes widened. She flitted through the bushes, moving as quietly as a ghost, but she was going in from the wrong direction; the wind carried her scent directly to the bear, and in a second he'd smell her and would certainly attack. Not very subtle, something I'd expect Emmett to do, but not Bella. The bear realised he wasn't alone and reared up on its haunches, baring its yellow teeth. A predatory smile spread across Bella's face, and her lips pulled back over her teeth as well.

I flinched as she charged, and Alice patted my back. "It takes some getting used to, doesn't it?" she whispered, but I barely heard her as I watched, mesmerised, what happened next. Bella landed squarely on its broad chest. It toppled over, crying out in surprise. Its claws raked over her clothes, and her black leather jacket fell away, torn to shreds. Wrestling, they rolled over the dirty ground. Bella's arms closed around the bears thick neck. It roared out in anger, but it couldn't reach her as she was perched on its back, and eventually its cries grew fainter, its movements slower, sluggish. It fell to the ground with a solid thud, and Bella brushed back her dark her as she lowered herself over its neck to drink, her teeth piercing the bear's skin with ease.

"Sweet, huh?" Alice asked, grinning again. Her smile broadened at my baffled expression. "Anyway, she finished off the bear and buried it under a tree, and then…" The vision changed again. I saw Bella put a tree back into the ground, but even as she turned around to stride away, she faded out of sight, the vision turning indistinct and blurry, and then it was gone.

Alice scowled, frustrated. "I've been trying to look further ahead, but I can't seem to be able to find her, probably because she hasn't really decided what to do hours or days from now, but it's still strange she'd just fade away like that. I haven't got a clue why. It's never happened before."

"It is strange," I agreed.

"Anyway," Alice said, "I believe she'd have reacted that way no matter what you'd said or done. I could tell she wasn't happy to see you."

I sighed as I remembered our conversation, her blank expression, her indifferent voice. Alice was right, of course, but then I shouldn't have expected her to be happy to see me.

"I can't tell you what to do until I my visions work again," Alice said very softly. "If I were you I'd leave her alone, though, at least for now." There was something else she'd meant to say, but she'd changed her mind at the last second and tried to think of something else. However, I had already seen what she was trying to hide from me.

"You knew all along, didn't you?" I whispered and stopped. Alice did too, turning to face me, her expression embarrassed and also a little defiant. I'd never told anyone what had happened that night in the forest, what I'd decided, what I'd said to Bella to keep her from looking for me, yet Alice would have seen, of course, would have known what I'd decided, but it had never occurred to me before that she actually knew.

"Yeah, I did," she admitted, chewing her lip. "I was furious when I saw what you'd decided. I knew it would hurt her so much… I wasn't just angry because you'd asked me not to look our for her future anymore. I was angry because you hurt her so much, because you were so cruel, and… Wait," she said quickly as I opened my mouth to reply. "I know you were convinced she wouldn't let go if you didn't say those things to her, but she never did, Edward. She believed you, but she didn't let go. I caught glimpses of her after, at least until she disappeared completely, and what I saw…"

"Show me," I whispered.

"I'm not sure," Alice began, her voice hesitant, but said, "If you insist…" when I growled at her. I saw Bella in her mind, younger, still human, lying on her bed and staring blankly at the ceiling, her face empty, dead. Another vision. Bella, horribly thin and pale, sitting at her desk, writing an e-mail to her mother, her expression blank as if someone had died, her eyes dull and full of pain and despair. Alice caught me as I crumpled to the ground again, my legs limp. I clung to her, held on to her as hard as I could, but I couldn't stop the images I'd picked out of her mind stop from assaulting me. I'd left so she could move on. I'd left so she could be happy.

I'd failed miserably.

"The message I sent Jasper to deliver was about her, too. I'd seen her pain and it had hurt so much, still did even after her future had disappeared, and I was angry at you, but I didn't want to tell Jasper why, which drove him crazy, and Esme was so sad all the time…" Alice sighed. "Bella's part of our family. She has been since you brought her home, and I meant what I said. You've torn our family apart, but you've torn her apart, too, and I don't know if she'll forgive you for that. If she even can forgive you for that. You had no right to make that decision for her, or for all of us, for that matter."

"I know," I whispered, steadying myself and letting go of Alice's arm. "I'm sorry."

"I know," she said, smiling up at me. "Now, let's focus on what to tell the others, alright? I don't known when Bella returns, so you can't do anything about that right now, anyway."

"Yes," I croaked. I forced myself to shove the dreadful imagines of Alice's vision away and shook my head, trying to clear it. Alice patted my back again, then took my hand, pulling me along as she walked on. "I love her, Alice."

"I know," she said again. "We'll sort this out, I promise. Here's what you're going to do. Tell the others you spoke to her, found out she's not responsible for the murders—by the way, I have no idea who is which is just as weird as Bella fading out of sight—and a vegetarian like us and that she wants to be left alone. They'll buy it. I'd tell them the truth before the weekend's over, though. It's only a matter of time until Carlisle runs into her at the hospital. Bella works there now."

"I know. I saw her, but how do you know?"

"I've been trying to find her," Alice admitted, glancing up at me. "Are you very mad at me?"

"No," I replied quietly, "I'm not. It doesn't matter anymore, does it?" I pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes for a brief moment. I felt exhausted, drained, and I wanted to sleep, wanted to escape reality, if only for a few hours. If only I could still sleep. "What did you find?"

"Not much," Alice said, and added, sighing a little, "Now I know why, of course. Why don't you tell me what you've found at her house, and I fill in the blanks?"

I briefly reported what I'd found, told her about the letters, the e-mails, the pictures, the little wooden figurines on the dresser, and Alice told me what she'd learned, which really wasn't much just as she'd said. Bella had left Forks after graduation and moved to California where, after four years of undergraduate studies (she'd obtained a bachelor's degree in British Literature, which made me smile when Alice told me; a strange choice for someone who wanted to study medicine), she'd gone to the Stanford University School of Medicine. After graduation she moved to Pasadena to complete her residency, and apparently she'd decided to stay. As Olivia's letter had indicated she'd worked in the ER.

"I talked to Linda Fletcher, the head nurse of the ER. She spoke very highly of Bella and asked me to call her immediately when I found her. I asked her to tell me who else I could talk to, and she gave me the number of Olivia Montgomery, a friend of Bella's, but she's on vacation and didn't answer her cell phone." We were almost home now; the house was already visible in the distance. Linda told me that Bella quit her job a few days after her birthday, Alice continued in her mind to keep the others from overhearing. Linda didn't know what had happened. Bella just disappeared. Then I called Charlie. I didn't tell him who I was, of course. He didn't sound very well. He hasn't spoken to her in months, and he doesn't know where she lives and works. He told me to call Jacob Black, which I did, and he told me pretty much the same.

"He lied," I said.

Werewolves. Alice wrinkled her nose in disgust. Anyway, she moved to Anchorage a year ago and started working at the Alaska Regional soon after that. I'm sorry I didn't know, Edward. I don't know why I didn't see. We could have been there for her…

"I'd rather it never happened," I said, my voice bitter.

What's done is done. Alice shrugged. We stepped onto the gravel which lay hidden under almost two inches of untouched snow, swallowing what little noise we made completely; less sensitive ears than ours wouldn't have been able to hear anything at all. Jasper appeared in front of the garage, smiling slightly. He was happy Alice was back and pleasantly surprised she'd returned ahead of schedule. He stood there, waiting for her instead of running to meet us and sweep her up into his arms; Jasper and Alice were less boisterous about their relationship than Emmett and Rosalie. It'll be alright, Alice said and let go of my hand to pat my back again. I'll keep Jasper off your back. We'll be off for school in a few hours anyway.

"I owe you," I said, smiling crookedly, which caused Jasper to frown, and Alice grinned back at me, ignoring him.

"You bet you do."

—

The lie had fallen easily from my lips, more easily than I'd expected—though, as Alice pointed out to me later, I hadn't really lied, I just hadn't presented all the facts—and while the fact that it had should have worried me it didn't. I had other things on my mind.

They had believed what I'd told them—what Alice had told me to tell them—and while I was glad they had I was ashamed of myself, if only a little; the fear of having to face their disappointment or, worse, their joy was greater.

The weekend passed too quickly. Alice and Jasper went to school again on Friday, and she took him shopping afterwards, keeping him off my back as she'd promised in case I didn't manage to reign in my emotions, and I didn't, not all the time anyway. I would lapse, my despair would overwhelm me and whenever it did I would leave the room, pretending to go outside where I would break down again, away from their eyes. I tried not to think of Bella, not consciously—she was still constantly present in my mind, but then she'd always been—and attempted to distract myself. I assisted Esme although I knew she only put up with me because she appreciated my presence and not because I was of much help to her. I reorganised my CD collection and spent hours on the internet, looking for music, often with Alice beside me because of our shared taste in music, and in return I helped her clear out her closet, as task I usually avoided, but as Emmett was still in Europe there was nobody around to point it out.

There were no news concerning the murders; Alice tried to see who was behind it, but as with Bella she came up blank and concluded that whoever it was didn't decide beforehand when he would kill again, which meant there was no way for us to stop it. Jasper, Alice and I spent hours trying to find a trace of him, but nothing; the snow had been washed away by heavy rain, and so had any trace the killer might have left. We had decided not to call Emmett and Rosalie and ask them to come back. We could handle a single vampire, and Rosalie would certainly be unbearable if we forced her to cut her vacation short.

Sunday turned into Monday, and I still hadn't told them. Alice wasn't sure if Bella would run into Carlisle at the hospital as her future had yet to reappear, but as Carlisle's future was clear and Bella-free—her words, not mine—she didn't think so. Monday morning found me sitting at the piano, playing quietly. Alice and Jasper had gone hunting again, but Esme was there to keep me company, sitting on the beige leather sofa, propped up against a purple cushion (she'd gone for berry hues this time; in Richmond her colour of choice had been green), reading the book I'd given her for Christmas last year and which she'd already read several times. I was playing Esme's favourite, and listening to her kind thoughts I was glad she couldn't see my face and the guilt etched into it. I wanted to tell her everything, I really did, and yesterday I almost had, but I'd changed my mind at the last moment. I wasn't ready yet. I'd hoped an answer would present itself over the weekend, resolving the situation, but none had, and the situation remained unchanged. Lying to them had been a mistake, but I was afraid, more afraid than I'd ever admit, even to Alice, and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't.