A/N: I promised the next chapter sometime this week and here it is. I'm afraid Edward's whining quite a lot, but he sort of wanted to, so I let him. However, things are set in motion now. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for wishing me good luck for my exams; I don't know how it went. I hope I passed; I'd hate to do it all again. Thanks for the reviews and thanks to those who added "Lifelines" or any of my other stories to their Favourite Stories Lists! I appreciate it!

Disclaimer: Only the idea for this story belongs to me; the characters and settings of the Twilight Saga are property of Stephenie Meyer.

13. PAIN

EDWARD

I decided to walk home.

I couldn't bear listening to Carlisle and Esme's thoughts right now, their silent anger, though I knew I didn't deserve better. I also knew, however, that it wouldn't do any good, would only force me deeper into the black void of the depression that had sunk its claws into me after I left Forks. Jasper was the only one who knew, and while he was worried about me he'd never spoken to me about it, had never told anyone, not even Alice, and eventually it had gotten better. And then I found Bella again, and for the first time in almost a decade I'd dared to hope. But she'd sent me away, her indifference shattering that hope. I wanted to lose myself in that darkness, that despair and that pain, wanted to bury myself in it until it swallowed me and I didn't have to feel again.

Maybe Carlisle and Esme had reason to worry about me after all.

I paused, hands deep in the pockets of my coat. I was walking instead of running. I didn't want to go home, didn't want to face my family, though a saner part of my mind kept insisting that I should. I knew that it was right, knew that being alone right now wasn't good for me, but I didn't care.

I caught errant thoughts although I tried not to listen. At times I found myself wishing I could turn my gift off, but just like Alice couldn't stop seeing the future and Jasper sensing emotions, I couldn't not listen, no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't very late yet, but there was only a handful of people in the street; it was one of the more dangerous parts of Anchorage. A homeless shrank away when he saw me, and a young woman hurriedly stepped into a supermarket, afraid I might try to mug her—or worse. I almost laughed despite myself, because the real danger, the man she should be afraid of, was a few yards behind me, stalking me. He was trying to follow me as quietly as he could, but the echo of his steps was so loud, I could have heard him from ten blocks away. Not in the mood for games and afraid I might do something I'd regret later if I allowed him to attack me, I slid into an alley; a ten feet high brick wall cut off its end. I glanced behind me out of reflex, then bent my knees and launched myself up the windowless wall of the building to my right. I landed on the roof, almost knee-deep in snow. I turned to look down. Not even half a second had passed. My pursuer rounded the corner almost half a minute later, his hand curled around the knife in his sleeve, his body and mind tense. It took him almost thirty seconds to realise I was gone, and his thoughts tumbled in surprise. He took a hesitant step forward to look for me, even glanced up, but the building was too high, the night too dark. He didn't see me, and eventually he wandered off in search of another prey.

I didn't go after him. I would have, once. I had convinced myself that by ridding the world of scum like thieves and rapists I was doing it a favour, that killing them and drinking their blood couldn't be wrong, that I was keeping them from harming innocent people.

I had been wrong. It had taken me half a decade to realise that I had no right to play God, and until I had I'd walked a dangerous line, had at times been closer to the darkness than the light, and it was that darkness that I saw now again, that I'd first glimpsed again the night I left Bella, a darkness that was threatening to crush me. And it was so hard, so very hard to fight it. Bella didn't want me anymore.

And it was all my fault.

I sank to the ground, the snow warm against me body. What if Bella didn't take me back? My life had no sense without here in it. Before, things had been different. I'd never wanted to outlive her, but I'd wanted to be alive as long as she was. Now, she was immortal—my plans had become obsolete. And if she didn't want me, then what would I do? Alice had promised me that everything would be alright.

But I knew she was wrong.

Bella would never take me back. I knew she wouldn't. If I told her the truth, told her that I'd lied, she'd hate me. I couldn't even blame her. If I were her, I'd hate me too.

"You worry too much."

"Maybe," I whispered, not turning around as Jasper closed the distance between us and sat down beside me. A wave of tranquility swept over me, smoothing over the jagged edges of darkness clawing at my mind. I could have given in, could have let him take the pain away, but it held onto it, held onto the pain until Jasper hissed in frustration and eased off. "You're so damn stubborn," he said. "Don't know why Alice thought I might be able to help you."

"Alice sent you?"

"Yes, she did. You're future's wavering again."

It would be. Nothing was certain anymore, I didn't know what to do, didn't know how to deal with the situation. But I wished Alice wouldn't see it, wouldn't keep meddling. I loved her, but she didn't know when to stay out of things. She hadn't sent Jasper to talk to me. She'd sent him so he would ride herd on me until my future was rock solid again. I ground my teeth together.

"She's worrying," Jasper said, sensing my anger. "And, honestly, I think she's right to worry about you. You know I have been."

"I know," I said quietly. "And I'm sorry for that."

Jasper shrugged. "You don't have to. If there's something I learned, then it's that you're not responsible for your emotions."

"Well," I said bitterly, "I think in this case I am. If I hadn't left her, neither of us would have had to go through all this… all this…"

"Pain?" Jasper supplied.

It wasn't the word I'd have used because it wasn't strong enough to describe what I'd gone through, what I'd put my family through, what I'd put Bella through, but I still nodded. "Yes. If I hadn't left, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have hurt any of you. And Bella would still be human."

Jasper was silent for a very long time, deliberating what to say next. I tried not to listen and got up, walking slowly over to the edge of the roof. The street down below was empty but for a group of women milling about. Prostitutes by the looks of it; this wasn't a very good part of town. They were complaining about the weather, which was bad for their business since people tended to stay at home when the streets were either frozen over or, as far as the heavily travelled main roads, slick with mud.

"I think you're wrong," Jasper said eventually, and I turned. His thoughts were chaotic, difficult to follow; he didn't want me to see what he was going to say. "Do you remember that vision Alice had when you first told us about Bella?"

"Yes, of course," I said reluctantly, suddenly feeling uneasy. I didn't like where this was heading. I would have done anything to stop that vision from coming true, and by leaving Bella I'd thought I had. I knew now that the decision to change her had not been mine to make, but I couldn't help thinking that if I'd stayed, if I hadn't abandoned her, then maybe she'd still be human. She'd still have a real life, would still be able to do what she loved.

"It never changed," Jasper said very softly. "Even after Bella's future disappeared that vision remained. I know the future isn't set in stone, but as far as Bella becoming one of us is concerned, apparently it was. Your decision to leave didn't change that, and if you'd bothered to come home you'd have known that."

I looked at Jasper, trying to understand what he was telling me. My mind wasn't willing to comply. "I didn't know that," I whispered eventually, "but it doesn't change anything, does it?"

Jasper growled in frustration. "Are you listening to me at all? I'm trying to tell you that you can stop blaming yourself for something that's never been your fault. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You can't. And it's not good for you to keep trying. That depression's eating your sanity away." Jasper laughed, the sound ominous and eerie in the darkness. The group women down below quickly dispersed, startled. "It's not as bad as it could be. Yet. But it's not going to stop unless you make peace with yourself."

"And how do you suggest I do that?" I asked, my voice bitter and cutting.

"Talk to her," Jasper said, ignoring my hostility. "Tell her you lied. What else can you do? It'll be better for the both of us. Alice says Bella's just unhappy as you."

"And how would Alice know?" I said. Alice must have seen that outburst of Bella's at the party, but how could she possibly know what Bella was feeling?

"Because she left for Bella's the second she saw her leave the hospital to go home," Jasper replied. "Bella's never been that good an actress. Alice knows."

"Alice is with Bella?" I asked, momentarily distracted.

Jasper sighed, annoyed at my apparent inability to stay on topic. "Yes. When Alice called me, she was on her way to Walmart to buy paint." He smiled as he often did when talking about Alice. "I believe Alice talked Bella into painting her study." He shook his head in affectionate exasperation before he focused on me again. "Talk to her, Edward. Tell her the truth. You have to. You must."

"She'll hate me," I whispered.

"Maybe. But she'll get over it eventually. And what do you have to lose?"

I didn't answer. I was refusing to believe that Jasper had a point.

"You're as stubborn as a mule," Jasper said again. "You will tell her. If you were her, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want all the facts? Right now Bella believes that you don't love her, that you never have loved her. Just imagine how she must be feeling. Yes, maybe she'll hate you, but she doesn't deserve to feel that way, feel unloved."

I closed my eyes, trying to shut out Jasper's voice.

"You're not the centre of the universe, Edward," he said, unrelenting. "If you really love her, then you'll tell her. Stop wallowing in self-pity for just a second and tell her the truth."

And I knew, even though I didn't want to, even though I fought to believe him, that Jasper was right.

—

"We're going on a road trip," Jasper informed me as we were striding through the forest, having finally left the city behind us. Jasper was a few yards behind me, being slower than me, and the wind was carrying his words into the wrong direction, but there was no way for me to pretend I hadn't heard them.

"Road trip?" I asked, though this time he'd all but spelled it out for me in his mind. Esme had ordered high-quality inlays from a carpenter in Portland, Oregon, for her client, promising they'd arrive within two days. Unfortunately and completely unforeseeable—at least as far as Washington was concerned; it was only September after all—the weather had changed, and parts of Washington State were buried underneath a foot and a half of snow. Four days had passed since Esme ordered those inlays, and her client was beginning to get impatient. He didn't care about the weather and he didn't care that his mansion wouldn't be inhabitable for at least another month; he wanted those inlays, and he wanted them now, and Esme hadn't been able to talk him out of it. "She wants us to pick up those inlays?" I asked, frowning. I wasn't in the mood for a road trip. I wanted to be alone. I needed to think. But I knew that Alice and Jasper wouldn't leave me alone, not matter if I went to Portland or not. Jasper had finally confessed that Alice had told him about my decision to go to Italy once Bella was dead, and that she was afraid my shifting future meant that I'd do something rash. Part of my was touched that she cared, but the other was mad that she dared to interfere. She was meaning well, but knowing the future didn't mean being automatically right in everything.

"Yes," Jasper said. "And Alice said it might be a good idea for you to get away for a while."

"Did she now?" I asked, annoyed. Why did suddenly everyone believe to know what was best for me?

"Until Carlisle and Esme have calmed down," Jasper added.

I stopped so suddenly snow went flying everywhere. Jasper blew past me, noticed that I wasn't running anymore and turned to walk back to me.

"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning.

"Are they very mad?" I whispered.

Jasper paused, running his hand through his hair. "Well…" He was remembering their arrival at home, remembering the disappointment he'd felt as Esme told him what had happened. "I would't say mad," he said eventually.

"I didn't want that," I said, my voice raw. "I didn't want any of this." We weren't that far away from home, just another two miles, but I couldn't bring my feet to move. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to face them. I was a coward.

"They know that," Jasper said. "But you shouldn't have lied to us and you shouldn't have lied to Bella, either. That's why they're angry. They feel like you don't trust them. And Esme's pissed that you'd hurt Bella like that."

"I never meant to hurt her. And I do trust you. It's just…" Pinching the bridge of my nose, I tried to find the right words. It wasn't easy. "Leaving Bella tore this family apart," I said eventually. "You left because I asked you to, because I believed that leaving was the right thing. And now it seems that leaving didn't change a thing. I put you all through so much for nothing."

"And you were afraid we'd judge you?" Jasper asked, incredulous. "You should know us better than that."

I shook my head to let him know I wasn't finished. "Part of me was afraid you would. But part of me also knew that you'd be so happy to have her back. That you'd be happy that I failed in trying to protect Bella, trying to save her from becoming one of us."

"Jesus Christ, Edward," Jasper said.

"I know it's all my fault," I said, pretending not to hear his thoughts, refusing to believe that he was right, that, being the pessimist that I was, I was blowing things out of proportion, "but that doesn't make things any easier."

"If therapy actually worked for vampires, your therapist would get rich," Jasper replied drily. "You know what your problem is? You're trying to control everything. You trying to be responsible for everyone and everything. But you can't. Life doesn't work that way. You have to accept that. And you have to stop trying or it'll destroy you."

"I don't know if I can," I whispered, admitting what I'd never admitted to anyone, not even to myself. I knew Jasper was right, knew that I didn't like not being in control, knew that sometimes I assumed responsibility for things I had no influence over. But that's who I was, who I'd always been. I didn't know how to be different, didn't know if I could be different. Vampires didn't change. We were, in a way, like stone, set in our ways. Falling in love with Bella had already changed me, but I didn't know if it was enough.

"Then just try," Jasper said gently. He patted my shoulder, and I felt his sympathy; he was letting me feel it, letting me know I wasn't alone. I drew a deep breath; the winter air smelled fresh, clean. "You have nothing to lose."

"I suppose not."

Jasper smiled and inclined his head towards our home. "Let's go. It's a sixteen-hour drive down to Portland. At least," he grinned, "the way we drive."

I smiled weakly.

"Race you," Jasper said and tore away, hoping to get a head start.

My smile turned into a grin as I raced after him, gracefully evading trees that materialised in my path. Jasper was our family's best fighter, but I was faster, and I managed to beat him. I beat him only by the fracture of a nanosecond, but I beat him. And by the time we got home, the darkness had retreated, was no longer trying to gain access to my mind. It hadn't given up. I knew that; it had been my companion for too long. But it was no longer trying to suffocate me. And by the grin on Jasper's face as he leapt up the front steps and into the house, that was exactly what he'd hoped to achieve.

—

We left around four in the morning. Alice was still at Bella's and she didn't call to say goodbye, so I assumed she'd already done so, to Jasper at least, when she called him to go find me. Esme hadn't looked at me when she asked me to pick up those inlays, too angry and too disappointed, but Carlisle had smiled as he said goodbye, and I knew he had already forgiven me. I didn't deserve it, but I was grateful nonetheless. Settled into the car with a stack of CDs I hadn't yet found time to listen to and a pile of magazines Jasper had grabbed—sixteen hours could be very long, even for a vampire—I backed Emmet's jeep out of the driveway, snow and gravel crunching underneath its massive tyres. It was the car best suited for the kind of weather condition we'd encounter in Washington, and I knew Emmett wouldn't mind.

Jasper was silent as I raced through the night, headlights turned off so we wouldn't attract attention; he was reading or at least pretending, and I was trying to ignore his warbled thoughts as much as possible. "Carlisle's no longer mad at you?" he asked eventually. By then we'd left Anchorage behind us. Morning traffic was clogging up the streets, and we were stuck behind a little Ford whose driver was just as annoyed about the traffic jam like everyone else around me. I inched the jeep forward as the Ford finally moved on.

"No, he's not," I said. "I don't deserve his kindness."

"He seems to think you do," Jasper replied.

Another inch. The Ford stopped again, honking at the car in front of it. I hated being stuck in traffic. Assaulted by so many aggressive, impatient thoughts, I was feeling edgy. Jasper glanced at me, then sighed and sent a surge of calm not only over me but over everyone in the direct vicinity. "Carlisle seems to think you do," he repeated, picking up where we'd left off.

I shrugged. "Carlisle's a saint."

"That doesn't mean he's wrong."

"You're saying that I should stop punishing myself for lying to them since he'd forgiven me."

"Yes, that's what I'm saying," he replied. "You're not doing yourself a favour, you know."

I didn't answer.

"You know I'm right," Jasper said.

"I know." I sighed. "I can't turn it off, Jasper. I wish I could."

"Try," he said. "And that's enough therapy for today. Let's talk about something else."

We spent the rest of the drive talking about music, sports, economy and politics and by the time we boarded the ferry to Port Angeles in Victoria, British Columbia, I was in a better state of mind than I'd been in for days. Jasper called Alice as we made our way up into the lobby to hear how she'd spent her day. Apparently she was still at Bella's; I heard her yelling at Alice in the background, but Jasper was lagging behind, too far away for me to catch what she was saying. Still, hearing her voice sent a wave of guilt through every cell on my body. I clenched my fists.

"Alice, I have to go," Jasper said, his voice tinged with worry. "I'll see you tomorrow. I love you." He inclined his head, indicating that we'd better step outside. It was barely past nine in the evening, and the main lobby was crowded because the sea was rough tonight and it was raining cats and dogs. As we stepped through the doors into the cold, two men in yellow raincoats who'd escaped outside to smoke turned their heads, curious to see how else dared to brave the weather. Neither Jasper nor I wore raincoats, so stepping outside hadn't been that good an idea after all; we stood out, something we were trying to avoid at all costs. Jasper went over to ask for two cigarettes, so that we could at least pretend to have a reason to stand outside in the rain.

"Disgusting," he muttered, tossing them overboard when they weren't looking. It disappeared in the black water, sucked under by a rolling wave. "You okay?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "I think you're right. I have to tell her the truth." I didn't think I'd feel any less guilty afterwards, probably even more so. But Jasper was right. What else was there for me to do?

—

Our trip to Portland was uneventful aside from the snow masses we had to plough through, but even that wasn't as bad as it could have been, and the streets were clear. I turned off the headlights again and floored it, anxious now to get home and talk to Bella. Having picked up Esme's inlays shortly after midnight and gone hunting—Jasper wasn't sure if he was able to make it through the passage otherwise—we left Portland around seven in the morning, the sky a dull grey. Again I drove as fast as Emmett's Jeep was capable off, hoping to catch the ferry at nine. Unfortunately, I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn't notice the radar trap until it was already too late. White and blue lights flashed up behind us.

Jasper noticed them too and craned his neck to see who was driving; this close to Forks it was always possible it was someone we knew, and while we'd been gone for over nine years we hadn't changed. People were bound to notice. And if it was Bella's father… He was one of the few single humans on this planet I never ever wanted to run into. "Nobody I recognise," Jasper said eventually, turning back around to search the glove to department for the necessary documents.

"Well, that's something at least." I slowed down, pulling up on the side of the road. The police cruiser parked behind us, ploughing through the snow the snow and ice control had piled up; its diver would have difficulty getting it out later. I rolled down the window. Ice cold air blew through the interior of the car. The door of the police cruiser was pushed open. A slender figure climbed out. Carefully placing her feet, she walked over. "Hello, sir," she said, smiling brightly, "you were going almost a hundred and fifty in a ninety mile zone." Her gaze wandered over to Jasper, then back to me. We weren't what she's expected when she pulled us over, and she was pleasantly surprised, enough that she was briefly considering letting it go. Then she remembered that her partner, who wasn't in the best of moods this morning anyway, was with her and would have her ass if she did. Her lips tightened for a second as she recalled his unfriendly greeting this morning, but her smile never wavered.

"Was I?" I asked, feigning surprise. Jasper raised his hand to his face to cover his smile; we wouldn't get out of paying the fine, which didn't really matter anyway, but it was a sort of game for us to try. And if the deputy had been alone and her ill-tempered partner wasn't watching from the cruiser, she would have at least lessened it.

"I'm afraid so," she replied, her smile turning apologetic. "It's not very advisable in this kind of weather." She jerked her chin at the snow piled up alongside the street, then at the grey sky; it would begin to snow again soon. I could smell it. "Even in a car like yours."

Allowing an embarrassed smile to tug the corner of my mouth upwards, I sighed. "I know, I know. You're right, of course. I don't know what I was thinking." I handed her the car documents Jasper had retrieved from the glove department, then dug out my wallet for my licence.

She scrutinised both briefly but thoroughly before handing them back for me. "Alright, Mr Cullen, would you like to pay cash or via credit card?"

The passenger door of the police cruiser was opened to hard it almost popped out of its hinges. A giant of a man stepped out with more grace than you'd expect from someone that size, but it wasn't the way he moved that rang the alarm bells; it was the smell that suddenly filled the interior of the car, decidedly disgusting. Like wet dog. I recognised it the second Jasper did, though he only recalled the wooden figurines on Bella's dresser. Carlisle had never explained to him what he thought had set me off that night. "Werewolf," I mouthed so quietly the approaching mutt wouldn't hear; his senses had to be as keen as our own.

Jasper stiffened. We'd told him and Alice about the treaty, of course, before we moved to Forks all those years ago; we'd had to. They'd never trusted us, and we'd never trusted them, and neither did Jasper though he'd never met any of them. He regarded them as a threat. I did, too, but I had even more reason to distrust the man striding towards us because it was Jacob Black. Of all the deputies to come across we had to run into the one who hated me with a vengeance, and hate me he did. Hearing my name had set off a string of memories, mostly of Bella; that's how I knew who he was. Bella sitting in his garage, pale and fragile. Bella sitting in her living-room, doing her homework while chatting to Jacob Black. And then, last week, Bella existing her father's house, strong and pale and beautiful if looking a little exhausted. The image was off, somehow; he was lower to the ground than he should have been, and I realised he'd been in wolf form that night.

All but pushing his fellow deputy aside, he glared into the car. Jasper met his eyes, not knowing who he was. I looked away. I'd seen Bella in Alice's memory, had seen how much she hurt, and knew without any doubt that I deserved Jacob Black's fury even more than Carlisle and Esme's because he'd picked up the pieces I had left behind, because he'd seen the pain I'd caused.

"What's wrong with you?" his partner demanded, furious.

Jacob Black ignored her, his fury so bright Jasper almost flinched back.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed sub-vocally, so his partner wouldn't hear. He didn't really care what she thought about him, but Sam would tear him a new one if he learned he'd lost control like that. Was Sam the alpha of the La Push pack? I gathered that Jacob Black and Sam didn't have the best of relationships. The weekend hadn't been very pleasant for him. Was that because of Bella's visit?

"Just passing through," I replied, pretending not to know what he was talking about.

"Jake, can I talk to you for a second?" his partner said between clenched teeth. Grabbing his arm, she tried to yank him away so she could talk to him in private. Jacob didn't budge. The deputy looked at us, then at her partner, and decided that she didn't care if we witnessed what she was about to say. "Look, I know you had a shitty weekend," she said into his ear, which was quite an accomplishment because he loomed at least a foot over her and she couldn't be any taller than Bella, "but I don't give a shit. Pull yourself together or I swear I'll march right into the Chief's office when we get back and tell him what an ass you've been this morning."

He glared down at her. "You wouldn't dare," he growled.

"Oh, yes I would. Get back in the car." Jerking her thumb over her shoulder, she narrowed her eyes at him. She was dead serious. She would tell Chief Swan if he didn't get back into the cruiser right this second; she'd had it up to here with Jacob Black's increasing mood swings.

Jacob ground his teeth as he glared first at Jasper and then at me. Stay away from Bella, he said, the thought carrying so much menace I winced. Abruptly, he turned to stomp away. The car door was slammed shut so hard the windows rattled.

"I'm sorry about that," the female deputy said, clearly embarrassed.

"It's alright," I managed, "we all have a bad day now and then."

Having paid the fine and watched the cruiser turn around and return to its vantage point, I started the car, being careful not to exceed the speed-limit again until we were well on our way to port Angeles and away from Jacob Black.

We didn't speak as we made our way through the town and down to the pier. Only when I'd inched the jeep onboard the ferry and we'd gotten out and were on our way up to the lobby, did Jasper say, "I've never met a werewolf before but I don't care to repeat the experience."

"Neither do I," I replied. The weather was better this morning, the rain had eased off and the sea was relatively calm, so we went outside again to be away from prying eyes. "That wasn't just any werewolf, Jasper, that was Jacob Black."

Jasper frowned. "And?"

I sighed. "He's Bella's friend. And he hates me for hurting her the way I did, probably more than I hate myself. If the other deputy hadn't been there, it would have gotten ugly."

"Jesus," Jasper said, shaking his head.

"Yes," I agreed. "Alice could have told us that we'd run into him."

Jasper didn't answer; he didn't take well to someone criticising his wife.

We didn't talk much during the rest of the trip. I drove as fast as I dared again, this time paying attention to radar traps. The call came when we were still ten hours away from home. Jasper's cell phone chimed. "Alice," he said, smiling as he raised it to his ear.

"Hi," he said, then his expression turned instantly serious. "Alright," he said, his voice tense, "we'll ditch the car and run the rest of the way." He hung up and shoved it back in his pocket. "Alice says," he began, but I shook my head to cut him off. I'd heard and was already searching for a secluded place to hide the car. They knew who the murderer was. Bella had told them.

It was Victoria.