Hiccup is growing up.
He was 16 a few years ago. That was the day I promised I'd live life to the fullest. And he lived his rather well, up to this day; he's happy. He has a mate, though they haven't courted yet. He has a father. He has a society where can laugh, play, have fun and marvel all the little things that make up his so short, yet so colorful life.
Plus, he has me. I won't ever be enough for him, but I pride in making a large portion of it.
It is hard to think, though, of how much I make.
Because, as one, we can not appreciate how strong we are together until we compare it to some type of bond less powerful- take Hiccup and Fishlegs, brains in partners. Or Hiccup and Snotlout, the saint and the devil. Though they share moments together, they can never compare to us, where flying is always a moment to share- because we can not do it alone. We must be together to be able so.
Though, by together, I do not mean snoring your head off next to me.
It is his birthday again. It always brings back memories to me, to see him grow year by year, even though winters are just an illusion to the reality in which beings develop over time.
Like people, dragons age differently. Some of us are mature by 5, some take until 20 until we are strong enough to fly off into the distance and never return to their home. I, for example, am a fairly mature dragon by size, not going to get a lot bigger nor develop a lot more than this, but for my heart, I am definitely of Hiccup's age.
Or, at least, the illusion of it.
Because I didn't even remember what hearts were for before he showed me. I had always thought that it was just another body organ, a lifeless object that combined with other lifeless objects to make things with life, not knowing its true purpose nor ever stopping to wonder of its true purpose, to wonder if their duty was to only do what they had to. It was just another organ that did its job, never complaining, functioning at its best until it could work no more. Until it faced the inevitable fate that all things in Yggdrasil did.
It's the organ that Hiccup and I hold to maintain life. I can hear his heartbeat right now, nice and slow, pumping blood only fast enough to keep the body going.
Life.
I laugh sometimes at that word. And I sometimes ask a lot of questions about it.
What is life? What does it mean? Why were we given life? And why do some people do not cherish it, love it, nurture it like we should? Should we even nurture it? Is it even worth preserving, if our lives are so short? Since there are people who don't use their life as they should, are there any classifications of the types of lives people have? If they live a horrible life, but they are happy, are they worth preserving? Who is worth preserving, then? And who judges that one's life is horrible, if they are happy?
The answers, as well as the questions, all lie in our hearts. The place where feelings bloom and shatter. The metaphor of all feelings, even if its true origin comes from the brain.
Happiness, sadness. Carefreeness, anxiety. Trust, doubt. Courage, fear. Love, hate.
These are all emotions that can only be felt by the heart.
I have to tell you, I doubt that I ever had a 'heart' pre-Hiccup. Like I said, dragon's emotions aren't exactly as colorful or hurting as of humans'.
He gave me that heart. He showed me how it was to love, how good it was to love, and why humans loved, even when their loved would one day dissipate anyway.
Like the boy who's still in bed. Does he love it or something? His mate will kill him.
And humans do because it is such a desirable emotion. It is what makes us want to live. Not for food. Not for surviving. But so we can find that inner happiness in where, for a moment, everything was just alright, and you wished that nothing would change at all.
Who would not like to feel the happiness welling up in them as they see the person they love? Who would not pursue it once they have felt that butterfly-in-stomach sensation once again?
I would, for one. Though he's right next to me. And I don't digest butterflies.
Sure, love has a lot of meanings. That's why you might have been misled earlier.
It can mean the strong feeling of care for someone. To be with that person until the very end, to make sure they are happy, and not give a single paw on who they mate with, under the knowledge that they will always feel the safest under us, even if we are not desired. Happy, in fact, that we are not desired, but loved platonically, and no more.
Very people have this kind of mutual feeling, yet it's so funny if you ask Hiccup how often you see it.
It can mean the desire for someone, for their sweet scent, the way their hair flies in all different directions but still come back in perfect order, or the want to go... deeper. To go beyond something desirable. If you haven't guessed this out by not, it's basically carnal desire. You want someone. Inside. Once you get bored of their slender body, you leave them to mate with someone else.
Dragons have this kind of love, in case you're wondering. That's why there are so many of us.
Love can be either one of them, a combination of both, or neither of them at all. But since when was defining emotions easy?
Well, actually... it is. It's the understanding part that takes a lot of effort.
I have only felt emotions from Hiccup, and thus I can only define one type of shared feeling, and that is platonicity, divided equally into caring, well-meaning, and trust. Our emotions are one. They all mix together to form something greater than love.
It's called friendship. "Camaraderie", as I overheard Fishlegs say. Companionship.
It never sinks, it always stays above the carnal desires underneath, but always below the uncaring sky, and we both care for each other and not for anything below. And we are perfectly happy where we are. We sail on the waves of time, braving the seas and predators together, always helping each other in our cause, and everything is ours, not mine, not his, but ours. To be simple, we are in the same boat. And we're happy.
He is 19 now. And he's sleepy.
His brain is protesting to get up, but his muscles and increasing blood pumping rate says otherwise.
He was 18 yesterday. And it changes today. The one day that adds another point in winters.
He had 33 years left yesterday. And it changes today, too.
Actually, he was 19 only a few minutes ago- he told me that he was born as sun rose above the cliff in front of his house, which is the time that ordinary people would call morning.
But important times must be precise. Hiccup touched my snout for the first time as the sun began to set, just suspended above the highest of the pine trees of Raven's Point.
So, just like 3 years ago, he's still struggling to get up from bed.
I nudge him softly, crooning to let him know what time it is of the new day.
"Hei,"Hiccup's now rough, yet coarse voice calls from underneath.
I croon happily. Getup.
"10 minutes, Tooth-" he begins, almost pleading.
The croon turns into a growl. Nope.
I fanglessly grab the sheets and drag it all the way across the room from the bed, leaving Hiccup cowering under the now absent blanket, shivering slightly from the cold. His eyes are half shut, as if wanting the warmth to return to him at his will.
It's not going to.
"Aw, c'mon, Toothless..." he chatters.
I leave the blanket to lie on the ground and pull him off the bed next. He lies next to me on the floor, still shivering from the abrupt change of temperature and coziness, all the while giving me a weak smile.
"I saw that coming," he says shakily, struggling to stay warm. I drape my left wing over him so he won't get hypothermia.
Over the times, he's understood that I wake him up when I want to- there is no specific time for it, nor is there any real purpose behind my happy smile when he gets up, and there is certainly nothing holding behind when our eyes lock, signalling the time of flight.
I know, it's simple. Lame, even.
But it's the simplest things on Earth that we revel in the most. And even though everything that happens in this universe occurs because of reasons, I rejoice myself in having none.
Or, to be more realistic, giving myself the illusion that there is none, even when it's staring at you with both eyes. But it's the fact that you're happy that makes the delusion worth it.
But, it's still an illusion, and it's going to fade one day and reveal the truth.
Late-teen Hiccup stretches his arms high into the air, his body smells wafting through the room like vapour seeping in from an open window, he legs stretched out and sturdy.
Hi, I think, feeling his warm body sit up next to me.
"It was only a few years ago, you know, that my arms could hardly hug you all the way."
To prove a point, Hiccup wraps his arms all around my middle and snuggles tightly. My legs wrap him back in confirmation, happiness flowing through us in the morning haze.
A jolt of pain erupts through me as the happiness flows.
The Berkian boy has grown a lot. A lot.
His body has shot up like a bamboo shoot- high, sturdy, and very lean. His head almost reaches the top of the door now, something that Hiccup would have never envisioned a few years ago. His arms spread very far by his side, allowing him to reach for higher objects that I once had to fetch for him. He's a lot higher than his mate now, whose body seems to disagree to the more masculine features of heightening, and even almost topping his father. It won't be long before he overtakes him.
He has more muscles, too. I suppose that comes from his father training him to lift heavy wood logs for expanding the village (though I snuck a lot of it for him). He has learned to hunt, even though only a little bit, from his mate, and though no one still matches the devil, Snotlout, in wrestling and physical exertion, Hiccup can now at least put up a worthy fight.
To be honest, he is no longer a hiccup.
He is a man. A strong, lanky man with the force of a near viking.
"I wish I could lie like this all day, but I can't," he says, almost bored.
He could rely on himself, now, for a lot of things. He doesn't need me to help lift heavy objects anymore, though I still always offer to help. He doesn't need to wait for me to shoot a bolt into the sea to get fish anymore- he'd dive in there and get one for himself. He can set a fire himself, too, though he's never let me seen that- he knows that it will hurt my feelings.
And it did. It does. And it will.
"It's my birthday today. Remember last year, that you watched me help Astrid put up a huge banner in front of the house?" he says, satisfied with himself.
Another jolt of pain.
He is not reliant on me for physical activities anymore.
In fact, the only things that we do together nowadays, besides from playing, is flying, and that's not very often anymore. It's become more of a recreational activity than a daily one. The last time I've flown with him was 3 days ago.
Which is why I take this moment to hug him as long as possible. Because I feel so distant to him now.
I feel like he doesn't need me anymore.
"It was pretty nice of the others to help too, you know," he continues.
I sometimes wonder; if I disappeared one day, would he care for me? Would our friendship, the only thing that keeps us together, lead him to try and find me in order to be together once more? Would he go that far for me, like he once did when he relied on me so much?
Am I a toy to him? Something to cuddle on, to cry on, to seek comfort from, to share friendship with, but as you age, you begin to feel that your dependencies are no longer with the toy, and can be discarded as will permits, with no feelings of attachment left to hold together our bonds?
Is our friendship only an illusion, waiting to fade and reveal it's gruesome veracity?
What are we, nowadays?
What am I, nowadays?
"And you had my back the whole time; though Astrid disapproves sometimes."
Astrid. A mental knife enters my body, leaving as quickly as it enters. She dislikes me.
Though I still tail him whenever I can, he will sometimes shoo me away so that he can be with his social life. I will be left alone, but always in the wings, waiting for him to come back. That, I can handle.
What I can't is how little he gives me back when I give him so much.
Does he care anymore? Or is his mate becoming more of a prominent figure than me? She has been growing in occurrences, recently- Hiccup will often leave me to find her. Alone.
"The mead hall's been prepared instead of our house this time. That way, everyone can have fun," he says, gesturing to the whole room, as if it were to sprout out people from nowhere.
I fight back a whimper. Not everyone is going to have fun.
What I dreaded all those years ago are finally coming back to me, looming quietly in the dark, and becoming the most prominent at the darkest of times. A silent knife that glints the brightest in the moonlight.
But it comes back with a unvigilant twist; I'll be alone and he won't care.
When he dies, will he care for me? In living, does he still?
My heart says yes- but another part of it is screaming no.
I wish I could ask him so much. What I was worth to him nowadays. If I was still the world to him, because he is still mine. If it was still our world, and not separate universes.
But yet- his soft hug, his warm body, with all that sincerity running through him, so strong, so powerful, so gentle, fuels me to smile at him again. Even though I know what will happen next.
And it's not him locking his prosthetic to the latch, flipping open the fake tailfin, and us flying into the sky for our morning meal.
That's an illusion.
Hiccup gets up, his reigning body towering over my laidback own.
"I want you to stay here, alright? Astrid and the others want to celebrate a party."
I don't even ask him why I'm not invited. Because I already know the answer.
Instead, I do what he had done to me all those times ago.
I fake a smile. Hiccup used to hide emotions before, so why can't I?
I do. But, unlike me, he falls for it.
"I knew you'd understand, bud. We can go flying afterwards, alright?"
A very reluctant nod from me brings a smile onto him.
"See ya." he says, turning around and walking downstairs, leaving me alone in his room.
His room. The one thing that was never mine, and the one thing he never called ours.
The one thing he didn't even bother giving me an illusion for.
I almost let out a roar of pain as I jump to the window. I am just in time to see him running off towards the Grand Hall, where his father, mentor, mate, friends, are all present.
Save for one.
Why am I not there?
Why is it not us?
Is this called jealousy? That he is going to have fun, at the expense of my pain? That he doesn't even seem to care that I was near crying? That we are so distant now, that even the word friend is too high of a word to describe of us now?
Pet dog, maybe? Like the ones that waited in front of their master's house patiently, anticipating the return of their owners, but all the while wondering where their owners were, and why they weren't with them?
Or is even that too high to call me now?
Sometimes I wished that I was more socialized. So I could talk to Stormfly over it.
But I have never said a word to her. She likes to keep herself with other Nadders.
Wait...
Stormfly.
I shift my gaze from Hiccup entering the Hall to Stormfly, who is waiting just outside the Hall.
She was invited, but I wasn't?
I look around for the other dragons- and, sure enough, the Nightmare, the Gronkle, and the Twin Heads are all playing outside the hall. Do they even feel that they are being neglected at this very moment, that they are not being cared for, and in that place, pleasure from drinks, food, social contact are being consumed instead with the cost of another society breaking down?
Something begins to boil inside me. It slowly melts the happy feeling that comes up whenever he is happy, evaporating into the metaspace at an alarming pace.
It is anger. It is pain. It is jealousy.
No. I am a Night Fury.
Stormfly is showing off her scales to any passers-by, with much success. Hiccup lets out a small whoop before entering the hall, arm in arm with Astrid.
No. Don't. You'll-
Something snaps inside me. My vision becomes cloudy, and I let my feelings take over. I cannot see, but I know where I am going, as if someone had pasted a set directions in my mind, it offering little help to soothe the burning rage at the moment.
I am flying through the window. I am landing on the ground next to his house. I am running towards the Hall as fast as I can. I am snarling like a wild animal. I am angry.
I reach the hall. It is full of voices, smells, and music. Stormfly is with the others by the side of the Hall, chatting more than actually guarding, like they're supposed to do.
The other dragons ignore me as I run past them, looking for Hiccup from the outside of the Hall, for I know that if the others can not get in, it makes me no more special.
Hiccup. Come out, please. Please.
I sit down by the door, patiently waiting for my best friend to come to me. Waiting for him to tell this is all a big joke and give me a big hug. Waiting for him to break my reins that hold me to the ground and fly into the sky together. He will come. I waited three long weeks for Hiccup to recover from his wounds. This, I can wait.
Even if he doesn't need me now, who knows when he will?
I wait there for about half an hour before a very intoxicated Hiccup waltzes out of the room with his mate, on the verge of collapsing, trying to desperately get back into the Hall to rejoin the other dancing pairs. He is singing in a broken language. He is missing his left shoe. He loses his balance and falls backwards.
And I'm there to catch him as he does.
Don't worry. I've got you.
His back arcs over my head, using it for support before his less drunken mate pulls him up.
"Ahh... nice catch..."
Thanks.
"...Astrid..."
Astrid?
My eyes slit for a brief second. Is he too drunk to not notice the giant beast behind him?
Or does he simply not care, and pretend that she caught his fall?
I grunt once to catch his attention. He swirls around on the spot, one arm around his mate's neck for support. She gives me a somewhat apologetic look that I turn down with a glare.
You did this to him.
Or did she? Is it my own boring self, that he may have gotten tired of, and discarded, like a doll that failed to entertain its owner? What did I do? What did I not do?
But I have to take the anger out on someone. I'm not blaming myself on this one.
It's an illusion, but it's a strong one, and I'm not letting go of it anytime soon.
"Too... Toothless?" Hiccup's broken words combine to make a broken phrase.
Yes? I think, looking at him with apparent concern and fear.
"What... are... you... do... ing... here?" his syllables come out slowly and forced.
To catch you in case you fall. I try to pull him by the arm, but he jerks away.
Look, Hiccup, I may have been a bad friend, but can we talk about this?
"Why... are... you... not... in... the... house?" he says in a rougher, louder tone. "Why?"
Buddy, I'm sorry- I plead desperately.
"GET BACK IN THE HOUSE! GO!" he roars at me with such drunken force that he falls over again, his arms flailing wildly to confirm his truly stoned state.
And I catch him again. He lands face first onto my awaiting snout, but his hands are now so coarse and slimy it is hard to imagine that he ever bonded with me with them.
He intoxicatedly pushes off me, yelling again the same phrase, the phrase that burns into my head like a fiery blast of fire, destroying all in its raging path, and scars the roads that fall to it.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET BACK IN THE HOUSE! GO!"
Something else inside me snaps.
It is anger. It is pain. It is jealousy.
It is betrayal.
It does not matter that he is Hiccup, my best friend, my pride and joy, my shadow and light.
It matters that none of these are true to him anymore.
He does not want me anymore. He wants me to go.
And go, I do.
I turn straight around, take off past the dragons, and into the woods, not caring for a single thing in life, wanting only to get out of there, to leave that wretched place.
And as I run, I feel something wet leak out from my eye. I clouds my eyes briefly, before it leaves and splashes to the ground behind me as I continue running non-stop.
I know what it is right away, amid the adrenaline and raging fire in me.
It's a tear. I am crying.
Toothless, the mighty Night Fury, the friend of the most powerful Dragon Trainer in the world, is crying.
I do not even know how far I run. I want to expend all my energy into this laborious activity, to collapse below the tall pine trees out of exhaustion, to keep my mind from thinking anything about Hiccup. Which is very hard, because I think of him all the time.
Even when he has just killed me internally.
Hiccup.
He has shattered my heart. The very same heart he had given to me, all those years ago, the one that he filled up so much with love and caring, the one that took so rough a beating when Hiccup was unconscious, the one that was maintained, nurtured, loved, all this time, is now no longer in one piece.
It has broken into fragments of devastated hopes and dreams.
Why it is still beating is only because it is only an illusion of where emotions truly come from.
But my metaphor has broken. My friendship is hanging by a thread. The thread that I am weaving, pulling, trying ever so tenderly to keep it intact with the other side.
The thread that so loosely attaches me to whatever part of sanity I have left.
Hiccup does not love me anymore. He does not yearn for the caring that I have always given him anymore. He does not want the soft croon that I always sound to approve things that we want. He does not want a wing to hide under anymore.
He does not need me anymore.
The truth is so painful, hurts so much, and feels so agonizing and awful that I would not even mind if my just burned down and my body taken away by the storm.
I... I just want to die.
What is my point of living now?
The fear of not having Hiccup by my side, once only an illusion, has now become so clear in my head, shining the most of all the foggy things that race through my head.
Hiccup doesn't need me anymore.
I want to die.
Hiccup doesn't care about me anymore.
I want to die.
I still care for Hiccup.
I want to die.
I still love Hiccup.
I want to die.
Of course, I can't, because it is not my time to go, and, more importantly, Hiccup has still got to love me in some way... right?
He doesn't. That's why I'm here. All he cares is about Astrid.
I want this misery to end.
I want to die.
Why... Hiccup, why? Why did I love you in the first place?
Why did you forge a forbidden friendship that you yourself broke?
Why did you kill the only fire in my heart with your very own words?
Why did I love that smile, that sincere feeling, that love?
I think of what would have happened if I did not. If I was still a robotic slave, that had no feelings of my own. If that spark of emotions never ignited inside me, never gave forth and showed me how happy it was to be able to feel all these things around, I would have never felt happy. I would have never felt lonely. I would have never felt love and loved.
But I would never would have to feel pain this intense. I would never have to be the first dragon to cry, I would never feel the want to die because of someone else, and I would never have to have all these feelings shattered right before my eyes.
Because you cannot lose what you do not have.
But you can lose what you once had. And I lost much more.
And do you know what hurts me the most?
It's the fact that I'll never be able to leave him, no matter how badly I may feel like it. Because he gave me back life. He gave me back the ability to fly. He saved my life on more than one occasion. He gave me reason when I did not know why. He gave me trust when I did not have any. He gave me friendship. He gave me love. I am infinitely indebted to him.
I will devote the rest of my life to making him happy, even if he does not care or know.
He does not care.
A string snaps inside my head. Something has broken.
Something is not right.
But who gets to say what's right and wrong? Him.
None of that matters anymore.
'Hiccup... what will I do to make you the same once more?'
You could immortalize him, a new voice says.
'Excuse me?' Am I truly insane now? Am I hearing thoughts of those deceased?
I am the one to excuse you, Night Fury. I am a Changewing.
'Changewing?'
You have never seen me before. It does not matter. I was only here to inspect a place to find fish, when I heard you crashing through the woods. You're hurt pretty badly.
I look at my own body, surveying the damage I have inflicted upon myself. My feet are blistered in several different places, a part of my top-left ear bleeding slightly, and a little scratch just above my right eye prevents me from seeing properly. My back is also aching terribly from all that running.
'Show yourself, then,' I call to the voice.
The elusive dragon reveals its slim form, bowing down in front of me as a form of respect. Not that I care about how much respect I get at the moment. I want trust.
'I don't even care. I don't know the point in caring for anything anymore.'
You do. Your partner does not care for you, right?
'Yes. And because of that, I care for nothing-'
How about making him care for you again?
'That's not going to happen. He doesn't care anymore.'
Believe in the Equilibrium, Night Fury.
My eyes slit briefly.
'The Equilibrium?' I think. 'I haven't heard of that thing since I was born.'
But you have heard of it, he says.
It's an ancient law of dragons, a law that all dragons learn upon birth. It mainly describes the laws of equality and how everything is balanced, but it itself also carries a small, yet powerful magic that dragons may use- at a price, hence the "equality". Sometimes, the price is already paid, and sometimes, you would have to pay for it later in your life. This magic can be summoned, but cannot be performed more than once per decade. It can be used to save your life from fatal situations, or restore a nesting area that was burned down. It could also make a non-dragon species pseudo-immortal and change in age. Improper casting of the immortal spell would result in death, much like if you cast the spell on yourself.
I believe that you still have yours, strong one. You could use it to make him forever until your Equilibrium ends, which is your death, and in that time of forever, you could give him time to care for you again.
My eyes slit again. 'And why are you concerned about my personal problems?'
The Changewing gives off a small chuckle.
Our species work in groups, he says. We can detect other dragons' problems, along with their solutions. My two friends are actually nearby, looking out for predators.
From his tone of voice, I know right away what he means. 'Me.'
He nods sadly.
Night Furies are respected, but we know so little about your kind. I've never seen another one of your kin, something that I am sure neither have you.
'Yes, though I cannot care less at the moment.'
Hiccup... you could train these dragons if you were here.
You don't really plan on preying on us... do you? He asks fidgety.
As a dragon, we hunt other dragons for meat when there are not enough fish in the sea for us all. But meat, I can find anywhere, and this Changewing seems to know the solution to my anger and pain somewhat.
'I'm not going to do anything until I can figure out how to put my Equilibrium on Hiccup,' my mind speaks aloud finally.
The Changewing lets out a sigh of relief, but recoils when I walk up to him slowly.
W-What are you doing?
'Tell me how to place the Equilibrium on other beings.'
T- The Equilibrium? On others? he stutters.
To my best friend in denial, in fact.
'Yes.'
I back off, letting the Changewing relax a bit. Most dragons stay with their own kin, unless they are taken captive for whatever reason, and are very wary of other dragons unless domesticated, like Stormfly. I wonder if she cares about the state that I'm in.
No! Why am I... no. I've never ever talked to her, why would she care about me? Why am I wanting care from others now, when Hiccup was always enough for me?
When Hiccup is enough for me? Even though I'm not worth anything to him now? I must not... think of that. He is enough. I do not need... Stormfly's care.
It is absurd, crazy, and driving me away from my true objective.
My true objective. My absolution. My insane will.
Something snaps inside me once again. I am losing my senses. But I don't care.
I will turn him into the young boy he once was, and let him stay with me forever.
Hiccup will be satisfied in me once more. Hiccup will love me again.
We will reforge our friendship. We will pretend that we were never apart.
And, finally, after enough time, we will never be apart. Hiccup...
This isn't an illusion. This is my resolve.
The Changewing is looking at me intently, trying to understand my motives.
To use it for yourself is hard enough... but for others... your power must be very high indeed, to be able to pull off such a thing. I've never tried it before...
Hiccup is what makes me me today. I will do it for him.
'Tell me how,' I say almost commandingly, fighting to stay calm.
I-I thought all dragons were born knowing it. Or is this a Night Fury exception?
'Tell me how to use it on a human,' I clarify, snorting.
The Changewing winces at the word human.
I look at him piercingly, urging him to go on.
Well, as you should probably know, putting the Equilibrium on others requires you to move the magical essence out of your body, and force it to make contact with your intended target. Since everything else that it will pass is not the target, the essence will resist... a lot. I've seen dragons die trying to save their friends by using it... it's powerful, but only if you are, too. Otherwise, it will kill you.
I will do everything I have in my body to make him understand what I mean. Hiccup will spend more time with me... like the olden times. Even if he does not like it, he will soon enough. Because we used to be together. We've known how it was to be one.
As vigorous as the power is, I believe that it will be fine if it makes contact with a human.
We will be one again... soon enough. No matter the cost.
A human... with an Equilibrium. That will be a first.
Heh, heh...
Still, it will require a massive of energy. You would pass out from it.
Hah...
Night Furies are powerful, though, even though I've only ever seen one. Legends speak highly of you.
Eh, eh...
So is this what it's like to be insane? To have no cares for anything else except for that one desired goal? To not care about even the consequences of actions? To feel... free, to be driven by this unstoppable will? To shut away the guilt in a tiny box and throw it away?
I feel... honored to be able to help you, Night Fury.
Insanity feels good. Must be better than intoxication.
Night Fury?
I snap at him, insane thoughts taking over. I try to hold on as much as possible before all breaks loose.
'Thank you, Changewing... it has been nice... to meet...' My words are deforming already. He can feel something wrong with me, too.
Goodbye.
The Changewing bows once and scurries away. My own thoughts fly around in orbit around my goal, circling wildly and sending off sparks of hazardous light into the surroundings. My eyes shut, not wanting to open again, but to relish only in the happy thought that he will be with me once more.
Hiccup... why must you torture me so...
Why... why does it feel... so good?
Hah... hah...
Hiccup... where are you? I need... you, bud.
Heh...
I need... my point of living...
Hiccup... I need you.
My rider.
My rider.
Did I use to say that there is only us? Think again.
He is mine.
Heh...
These vicious thoughts obscure my mind so densely that it takes me several moments to register the loud voice that appears in the vicinity.
"Toothless? Toothless?"
Who... is Toothless? There is only us...
"TOOTHLESS!"
Nngn... stop... bothering me already...
I feel a hand rub my neck. Whose is it?
"Toothless! It's me! Hiccup!"
Who... us? Toothless... and Hiccup?
"Toothless! Listen to me! Please! Stay together!"
Huh... together...
My eyes open to see dares speak of together. Do they know how much is at stake now? Do they know how much they will gain, and how much more they will lose by being together?
Who... are... you...
"Toothless! Buddy!"
The image in front of me is strikingly green. It also smells of grass and mint... and me.
Hic...
My eyes fly wide open and I see him.
...cup...
It's him.
It's not an illusion.
It's him.
Hah... perfect...
"Ah! Toothless! Are you OK, buddy? I was worried sick! What was-"
Had it been any time that was not now, I would have glared at him and showed me how angry I was at being neglected at his happiness. I would have told him, with my limited communication, that friends don't leave each other. They're supposed to look out for each other, comfort each other in happiness and sadness. I would have waited for him to apologize, then viciously lick his face to tell him that he was forgiven.
But not now.
Hiccup will finally become what I want him to.
He will be with me.
Forever.
And now is the perfect time to start.
My brain begins relaying signals to send out the Equilibrium. My eyes flash blue, and my whole body jolts as wave after wave of concussive shocks rack my body, sending forth a series of screams from inside me, where the essence is, and how much it protests to come out. It shakes violently inside me, defying its owner's will in being used and taken away.
But it will.
"TOOTHLESS!" Hiccup yells, trying to stop me from violently spasming each time a lightning bolt struck my body, little sparks flying off me in the process. I shake him away, but keep him in a conventional distance. He looks at me hysterically, helpless to do anything but watch me flail and screech from the release of the Essence of Immortality,
Hiccup... my insane thoughts take over me.
Let's be friends forever...
After a flash of white light, the essence is now suspended inside my open mouth, resisting the air around it and refusing to move around at all. I give it a nudge and wince painfully at how strong it shocks me back. But Hiccup will get the message, and he will come into contact with it.
This is for you, Hiccup, I try to tell him. Take it.
Hiccup looks uneasily at me.
Well? What are you waiting for?
Hiccup does not move.
Ah... so you need... persuasion...
I let out a roar of pain as I try to push the essence towards him with my open mouth. My body resists the very will to collapse onto its knees, to end this suffering that has stemmed from my use of powerful magic in the seemingly most horrifying way possible.
"TOOTHLESS!" Hiccup yells in fear.
Yes, that's it. Come and get it.
It's good for you.
Hiccup stares at me with utter disbelief and fear.
"Toothless... calm down, Toothless..."
Not until you live with me until the end.
Hah...
To prove a point, I jerk my head downwards, beckoning him forward, but also touching the white-hot ball of electricity in the process.
I scream. So weak from a dragon so strong.
Weakling.
"Toothless!" he looks around frantically for anything that will alleviate my pain. Doesn't he know that he is the reason for my pain now? That if he just walks closer, it will all end?
He looks scared. Just like when he was young.
"Toothless... what are you trying to do?"
Save you. Save us.
"Toothless... just slow down and tell me what's happening."
I insanely draw some disoriented runes into the ground. Hopefully, Hiccup knows how to read upside down.
Powerful magic
Take it
"P-powerful magic?" he looks at the ball as if it will charge up at him and strike. "Why?"
I snort and write again.
You need it
He is torn between doubt and guilt. I can sense it in him quite well. He is wondering what he should do. I hear something rustle from behind. I ignore it. I am so close to my goal...
"I... what... no!" he protests. "Wait! I need to talk to you properly!"
Not going to happen. Hiccup...
Hah...
"Toothle- NO!"
A large tree behind me snaps, sending its whole length down. I cannot move out of the way, for that essence of energy is still in my mouth, and should I move anywhere but backwards, I will get a heavy dose of shock. The falling tree, though, blocks my only exit.
CRUNCH.
The heavy tree falls on my back, my back legs shaking to stay upright from all the pressure, my back aching in pain and bleeding as various pieces of sharp bark find its way into my scales. Yet, I do not move. I am intent on letting Hiccup stay with me.
Take it... when I still have the energy to...
"TOOTHLESS!" Hiccup yells, running to my side and trying to push the heavy tree trunk away. Despite all his masculinity and training, he cannot move it from my back.
My legs are starting to give away.
The trunk... is getting very heavy...
I give Hiccup one last look of apology as my legs fail me.
A string joins together in time for me to finally snap back to my senses.
I'm sorry.
The ball protrudes my upper mouth as I fall down, causing powerful shocks to rebound all over my body as it repeatedly shocks by jaw, over and over, in a never ending cycle of pain, the cycle that is called life, called love, called suffering.
I scream one last time.
My body feels light and soft. I am not on the ground. I open my eyes and see that I am suspended in mid-air, somewhere in the thick clouds that I do not see anything beyond. I do not see Hiccup. I turn around and see that my scales are still bleeding, but there is no pain. My tongue no longer contains the ball of lighting that caused me so much pain.
My head feels empty. It feels like it has a lot of room to think of what just happened. It has a lot of room to think of what's happening now. It feels... sane.
I finally have control over my feelings again.
So this how is how it's like to feel sane and know how being insane is. It feels bad.
Guilt begins rushing over me like a wave of torrential waters that seep into every part of my brain, demanding to be felt, demanding answers. My mind floods with thought once again.
I tried to use up the magic in me to make Hiccup immortal until I died. I tried to force him to do it. I did it against his will. I ended up hurting myself more than him.
I hurt him. Didn't I once think that I wanted him to live life to his fullest, but only his fullest? That he has fun when he can? That I will be the dragon that will wait for him? That life is only fun when you only have a short time to enjoy it, but still have time nonetheless?
I wanted him to be happy. But now I've made both us feel more pain than we can ever imagine. I don't care if he's mad at me, or if he doesn't care about me anymore, or if he can live perfectly without me.
I failed him. I failed my best friend.
No. His is not mine.
I failed him. At being his friend.
A small gash above my eye reveals a small stream of blood flowing down past my eyes, as if I was crying blood, even though I don't feel anything at all.
This is not what friends do to each other. Friends laugh, have fun, and treasure the tiniest moments of happiness that they share. They forgive each other and set aside any disagreements that may arise between them. If one side becomes distant, the other will not falter- instead, they respect the other's decisions and accept the inevitable. They talk it out and see what happens after that. They don't run away when they're angry.
I am selfish. I wanted to keep Hiccup with me. I wanted to change him back to his carefree younger self, so we could once again share sunsets and fish together. I wanted to keep Hiccup with me, without caring if he wanted it or not. And now I've worried him even more.
What have I done? What will Hiccup say to me?
Where is he? I don't even care where I am. I want to know where he is.
Just so I can see him, happy, even if he wants me no more.
I voice rings through my head. It's oddly familiar.
"Toothless..." at these words, the smell of mint and grass rush into my nostrils.
Hiccup! My ears perk up immediately, looking for the source of that perfect sound, but I notice that it's not coming from around me. It's coming from inside me.
From my heart. But it's not an illusion anymore, what these feelings are.
I feel relieved. Just to hear his voice. Just to know that he's safe.
"I've been a terrible friend, Toothless. I'm sorry." his voice shakily continues, as if he had been crying for quite a while.
What?
"All these years, we've been spending less and less time together. I thought that you didn't mind. I thought that dragons were independent creatures. But I never realised how interdependent you were, Toothless. I thought that the morning hug would do the trick. I didn't know what to talk about anymore, so I stayed silent. I thought that going to the party alone would be fine. I was horribly wrong."
I... I am at a loss of words to say. I won't say that you're wrong... but...
"I ended up causing the biggest mistake of my life. I turned you down. Astrid told me when I sobered up. Told me that you had run off into the woods..."
She said that to you?
"...So I followed. I searched for hours until I found you. And... there you were, trying to give me some magical power that I could only guess to be as a gift of apology."
I wanted... to make you happy.
Isn't that most important thing? You, happy. I couldn't care less about my own self.
It's always you, Hiccup, who needs to be happy. Because your life is short.
Because you are the only friend I know.
"And, well, you gave me it, Toothless. You gave me this power."
You... got it? But...
Fear fills me as I once again realise that I've made a mistake.
He shouldn't be immortal. I... felt too possessive of him then. But now... I just want him to be happy. Age or not.
He's going to hate me once he finds out.
"But I don't want it, Toothless. I have the most important power of all already."
Whew. I let out a sigh of relief, but there is no sound from my nostrils. Instead, another thought fills me instead.
What power?
"Friendship, Toothless. The bond that kept us together all these years when you thought that all was gone between us, the string that latched on to us tightly and we never wanted it to left go. If it did, you would be the one to mend it. The caring, love, and happiness that stir inside us whenever we see each other- the fuels that allow us to do anything together."
My eyes slit. Why are you telling me this?
But I'm talking to air. He can't hear me.
But it's a nice feeling, to think that he can hear me. It's a nice illusion.
"Astrid can be Astrid all she wants. I might love her, but I love you too. Can she dominate the skies with Stormfly like we do? Can I and she ever know each other like we do?"
I don't dare answer that question.
"No, she can't. She may become a large part in my life soon, but you will always be more."
Hiccup... don't you love her?
"She may become my mate in the future. But does that mean I must forget the bonds that have carried me through everything that she was not related to? Before she came into the picture, before she admitted her appreciation and acceptance to me, you were there, Toothless. I may love you and Astrid in different ways, but you always know whose came first."
My body feels numb from shock and doubt.
...Won't you mate and have kids? Why would you care for me, then?
"I want to have kids. But I want you to be there with me, too, so we can teach the children together and show them why we are known as the ultimate riders of Berk? To show how much we love each other, and it doesn't have to be anything above nor below that? That our happiness is always the most important? That we are... unbreakable?"
Why are you saying all of this when I'm like this is beyond me, but... I feel comforted.
Like the olden days.
"You've done so much to me and I haven't even gotten the time to repay you. There are even some things that I forget, and happy things that may have come from you without me knowing, and I can never repay it all. So... thank you."
Thank you?
"Thank you for our friendship, for our platonic love, for every moment that you are with me, by my side, looking after my back and clumsy personality. Thank you for the fish and the fire and the little rumbles you give me and the yanks on my blankets to get me up. Thank you."
For what again?
"Thank you for being the best friend ever. I swear, things are going to get better for you now."
For us.
"For us."
I snort. My feelings are rushing back to me now, like Hiccup's morning scent.
You choose to be cliche now?
"I'll spend all day with you from now on. You'll be the happiest dragon in the world, bud.
"And I'm not going to trade it for anything else. Not even Astrid."
Don't let her hear you say that, at any rate.
"As for the power... I think you need it more."
Huh?
"Silly dragon... getting himself injured just for me... does he even know..."
Know what?
"...That I've been training all these years so I could keep him safe?"
I swear that I did just hear that from inside my heart.
What?!
"That the log hauling was so I could carry Toothless should time need be," Hiccup ponders to himself more than to me. "That the sword fighting was in case Toothless could not fight for himself. I would be there, to help him. He saved me, and will I save him if need be. I would give up my life for him, even if it means I've broken the promise."
Over my dead body, I say, but I feel this welling feeling inside my body. He's been doing all this... for me? I'm the reason why he's improving himself?
Come to think of it, I've been a lot of reasons to why he's improved himself over time.
"Because when I said that I'd live life to the fullest, I meant that I'd be a part of Toothless living his life to the fullest. I am happy where I am now. It is him who needs happiness.
I do?
"And so... I hope... I hope this works."
A flash of white light engulfs me, blinding out my eyesight temporarily and tickling my sides as my wounds burn ever so slightly, as if it was a bakery that was heating its buns.
My wounds are healing. They are sealing shut, baby soft scales taking their places.
My body becomes heavier, my head crystal clear and my sanity fully intact.
"YES!"
Suddenly, I am on the soft grass again. I feel the ground below and the air and the aches subsiding as the wounds melt away into nothingness. I groan as I open my eyes, first noticing the fallen tree rolled down into a grove nearby, then the now-nonexistent ball of electricity, then-
"Toothless!"
Hiccup?
My eyes dash around and I see him coming from around my left side, crying madly and taking my head and holding me tightly, as if it was still morning, still seeking for warmth that he desperately needs.
It never occurs to me how much he needs it now.
"Dear... Toothless, you scared me..."
My eyes open wide, allowing a single tear to fall out onto his back. He pulls his head back, not letting go of the hug, and wipes the oncoming tear out of my eye.
"Don't cry, Toothless... you're safe now." His soft hands mean it this time. But I revel in something more important.
You'resafe now.
"I'm... sorry. For everything, alright? I'll never leave you like that again."
I still feel guilty, you know. I won't act like that again.
"I promise... I'll be like that young Hiccup all those years ago, alright? I'll be like that. Just for you."
I look at him with the tiniest sliver of question.
And it's gone as he gives me the biggest smile ever.
Just for us.
He breaks away from the hug and gives me the happiest look of all.
"I never knew, you know, that of all that time with Astrid, I never felt as happy as this. That's because I love her, but I always want more of her, see. It's a love accompanied with desire. And I have to continually satisfy my lust for her..." he blushes coyly. "But with you, I don't need anything more. Neither of us want lust or any of that dirty stuff, even hate it, because we already have all we need. We have each other. We satisfy each other with care and tenderness that makes you and I us. We can never meet for a million years and when we reunite, we'd still be the same. We have the power to move mountains and dry oceans when we're together. We never need to be more happy, for it is this state that makes the happiness eternal. And we're perfectly fine by that. And it's this kind of simple, never-changing happiness..."
I let the rest of the sentence finish itself in my head, for he is too emotional to go on any further.
I nudge him to tell him that it's alright.
All that matters is that you're happy.
With me.
He grins at me broadly.I flash him one, too.
"So... I think... I know."
I don't move, knowing what he will do next, as he walks to my back, climbing onto it and snapping the prosthetic into place.
"Ready, Toothless?"
Yes.
The tailfin opens. And when it does, so does my spirits. I spread out my wings, caring for nothing except for the older boy on my back, the boy who has sworn to become young again, to care and love me once again.
"Let's go, bud."
I roar and take off into the open, our happiness as broad as the sky itself. Possibly even more. Who knows? Maybe there is more to the limitless sky.
I don't care, though.
Hiccup is back.
That is enough for me.
L/N: Finally! I manage to get this through. Kudos to LuMezenga for this one. She made the whole process of editing incredibly easy.