A/N: I hope you all had a wonderful holidays! I had intended to upload this chapter before Christmas, as a Christmas present. Unfortunately, it refused to be done in time. However, it is now and so are the next two chapters. That means that everyone who writes a review will be sent an exclusive sneak peek! In case this was too subtle: please, please, please review! (As you can see, I'm not above begging.)

Thank you to all who reviewed or alerted to me (or even put me on their favourite authors list; that is so sweet of you!) and a very special thank you to my beta KayMarieXW, whose suggestions have vastly improved this chapter.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: The Twilight Saga is property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm only borrowing.

31. AFTERMATH, PART 1

BELLA

And it's so hard to dance with the devil on your back

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a final mess but it's left me so empty

It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

I wasn't in the mood for caribou—or any herbivore, for that matter—but it was the first animal to cross my path tonight and the scorching fire in my throat made it unable to ignore the scent. I darted through the trees, following the distinct hoof prints in the snow, as well as the earthy scent that was characteristic of most plant eaters.

I loved hunting, not only because it allowed me to shed the human facade for a while, but also because it helped me forget. Every conscious thought retreated to the back of my mind, momentarily wiped away when instinct took over. I was completely focused now: all thoughts of Henry Lambert or Victoria were gone as I followed the scent the caribou had left. The forest was quiet, almost unnaturally still. The animals, even the smaller ones who had nothing to fear from me, froze when they sensed my approach, as if hoping I'd leave them alone if they didn't run. Sometimes it worked in their favour because like any predator, I couldn't resist the challenge of a chase and went after the animals that fled, ignoring the ones that played possum. Sometimes it just made them easier to kill.

The caribou I was tracking, and the rest of its herd—maybe five or six in total—hadn't noticed me yet, mainly because I was still half a mile away and because I was downwind and intended to keep it that way. I wasn't looking for a fight like I had with the bear the other night. I just wanted to satiate my thirst, extinguish the fire in my throat.

I was finally alone. I hadn't been alone since the interrogation. First Edward, on Carlisle's insistence that I shouldn't be alone, had accompanied me to my office, then Jake hadn't left my side until it was time to go home. I was glad I'd been able to convince him not to go hunting with me as well. My mood hadn't improved since this morning and I wasn't good company right now.

For the fraction of a second I lost focus, my mind slipping back to Lambert's broken body. Growling quietly at myself, I inhaled the cold air which was heavy with the scent of the caribou. Thirst shoved the memory aside.

I could see them now, patches of brown and white fur moving lazily through the trees before me. I briefly considered alerting them to my presence so that I could give chase, then decided against it. I didn't want to draw it out tonight. I was too thirsty. I shot into the small clearing. One of the caribous raised its head, not yet panicking, just confused by the stir of air my passage caused. Then my scent registered with it and roared out a warning, rearing on its haunches and spinning around. The herd was already moving. I focused on the largest animal, a buck by the size of his set of velvety antlers.

The caribou in question was either very brave or very stupid. As I launched myself onto its back to sever the carotid artery, it wheeled around to charge. Its antlers tore through the white shirt I wore and snapped my bra. I barely noticed. I grabbed the buck by the base of said antlers, twisting its neck in a fluid motion. A crack broke the eerie silence, then the caribou went limp in my grip. Its skin parted easily under my teeth. Although the blood was sweet and delicious, tasting like berries and nuts had once tasted to me, I missed the tangy edge that would have marked a carnivore's blood.

I sat back, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. The burn in my throat had receded slightly and I was able to think straight again, the last thing I wanted. I didn't look down at the caribou's broken body, afraid it would conjure up the image of Lambert lying in the snow. Instead I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath, knowing the rest of the herd hadn't run far.

Something moved behind me. The skin on my neck started to prick. My eyes flew open and I was on my feet within a heartbeat, spinning around, with my right arm raised and my fingers curled into a fist. I didn't know why I didn't just run, given how weak a fighter I still was. Maybe it was the rush of the hunt and the sweet coppery taste of the blood still lingering in my mouth that made me more confident than I had any right to be.

Edward staggered sideways as my fist connected with his jaw.

I dropped my arm, surprised and annoyed at the same time. Was a little privacy too much to ask for?

"That was a first," Edward gasped once he'd regained his balance. "You have a wicked right hook when you put your mind to it," he added, feeling the edges of his jaw as if he was afraid I'd broken it.

"Sorry," I said curtly, my irritation showing in my voice. "Next time don't sneak up to me."

"I wasn't," he replied. "You just weren't paying very close attention to your surroundings." He finally glanced up, his lips curved in a crooked smile, then he froze when he got a good look at me. His eyes widened and he swallowed hard. Once. Twice.

I finally remembered that I was half naked and spun around, crossing my arms in front of my chest. Although I could no longer blush, my face suddenly felt very hot. Then soft white fabric was draped across my shoulders. For a moment I fought to resist the temptation to press it against my face and inhale the scent that clung to it. I gave myself a shake and quickly slipped the shirt on.

"Thanks," I said as I buttoned it up.

Edward's reply was soft. "You're welcome."

He was standing with his back to me when I turned around, his bare skin glinting in thin moonlight, and my breath caught in my throat. He was beautiful, the muscles on his back perfectly sculptured.

"I'm decent," I muttered, deliberately looking away. I felt Edward step beside me, his scent swirling around me. It was so tempting to lean against his shoulder, to seek the solace I needed in his embrace, but I refused.

I wasn't ready for that.

"I hope I'm not intruding," Edward said quietly, his voice tinged with something I couldn't quite identify. Regret? Longing? Or maybe a little of both? "I didn't know you'd be hunting here," he added apologetically. "Do you want me to leave?"

Did I want him to leave? No. Although I'd longed to be alone all day, now that Edward was here I wanted him to stay. Maybe he would understand why I felt so ambivalent about Lambert's death. Jake hadn't, not really, even though he'd tried. But maybe he couldn't because he wasn't a vampire. Because he wasn't a monster.

"There's enough caribou for both of us," I said in response to his questions, flashing him a quick smile before I darted off in the trees, following the trail the fleeing caribou had left. Edward was right behind me, letting me take the lead. So far I'd only hunted with Esme and I was still trying to reconcile the motherly, caring Esme with the one who'd taken down a full grown grey wolf. Of course I'd known intellectually that she must be just as capable a hunter as the rest of us, but the ease with which she'd tracked the animal and killed it had shocked me. Or maybe it was the fact that she'd picked a grey wolf as prey. I avoided them for obvious reasons.

I had no difficulty at all imagining Edward doing the same, as gracefully as he did everything else. Suddenly I felt very self-conscious. I knew that there were better hunters then me. It had been two years since I was changed and I still came home with ruined clothes after almost every hunt.

The scent of the caribou herd thickened as we approached. They were restless, their hearts thudding violently. The adrenalin their bodies had released was like a drug, tangy and delicious and unable to resist. I went for a female this time, moving too fast for her to even think of bolting. I was on her back before she could cry out, my weight forcing her down into the snow. I was vaguely aware of Edward rushing past me, then the blood streaming down my throat was all I could think about.

I didn't tear his shirt, but I seriously doubted the blood I'd managed to get on the front would ever come out. Then again, a bucket of bleach should do the trick.

"You're a much neater eater than I am," I commented as we buried the carcasses underneath a tree. I peered around the trunk at Edward, who didn't have a drop of blood on his skin.

"Years and years of practice," he replied with a smile, tossing the last of the bodies down the hole. I rightened the tree and it sunk back into the ground with a sigh, its branches swinging softly and showering me with snow.

We walked through the forest in companionable silence after that, neither of us very thirsty anymore. "Edward," I said after a while, hesitantly, "may I ask you something?"

"Of course." Edward smiled encouragingly.

"Do you…" My voice faltered. I didn't know if I wanted to hear the answer, although I knew already what he would say. What could he say? "Do you think I'm a monster?" I whispered.

Edward spun around so quickly I barely saw him move. "No, of course I don't think that!" he replied softly, clearly disturbed that I'd even ask such a question. "What makes you think that I would?"

"Because I feel like a monster," I said bitterly. The distance between us was almost non-existent now. Just one more step and I'd be able to wrap my arms around him.

"Because of Lambert?" Edward asked. "Bella, nobody blames you for killing him. To be honest, if you hadn't, I would have, for the way he was thinking about you." His voice turned flat with barely contained fury. I shuddered at the memory of what I'd glimpsed in Lambert's mind. It had been humiliating, degrading. I'd intended to let him walk away despite of what he'd done, but as his minds content had spilled over into my own, I'd lost what little control I'd had over my rage.

"I know that you don't," I replied. "I feel very sorry for his wife and daughter, but I'm glad he's gone, callous as that makes me sound. But that's not… That's not…" I closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at him when I said it, although it was stupid. If anyone would understand how I felt, then Edward.

"You enjoyed it, didn't you?" he asked very softly, understanding in his voice. I felt his hands first on my shoulders, then on my face, his fingers brushing gently over my cheeks.

I leaned into his touch despite myself. "Yes," I said just as softly. "Yes, I did." I'd only hinted at it when I'd told Jake, knowing he wouldn't understand and afraid he'd no longer be able to see me as just Bella. Then again, I wasn't just Bella anymore. No matter how humanised and civilised I was, at the end of the day I was still a vampire. A predator. A killer. A monster. But I was a 'good' vampire. I didn't prey on humans and I certainly didn't kill them, but for a moment so brief it couldn't be measured I'd revelled in Lambert's panic as he realised he was about to die. The thrill had been intoxicating while it lasted, then it had given way to despair. That wasn't who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be a monster, but I was.

"I felt the same way about myself for a very long time," Edward admitted. "Sometimes I still do. But then I look at you and I know that I can't be a soulless monster like I always thought I was because that would mean that you are too. And you're not. You could never be a monster, Bella." He sighed. "It took me a very long time to accept that the thrill I feel when I kill is part of my nature, no matter how hard I pretend otherwise. But I realised that this doesn't make me—or you, for that matter—a monster. You didn't kill Lambert for the thrill of it. You killed him because of his actions, because he hurt you and because he humiliated you. And that's why you're not a monster. It may be a small difference, but I've come to realise that this is what really matters. That we fight who we are every day and don't give in. And," his lips brushed across my ear, "you can't be a monster. I refuse to believe that, just as I refuse to believe that you don't have a soul anymore."

I didn't open my eyes. He was so close and I wanted him to kiss me, but… Edward took the decision whether or not I should kiss him away from me. His lips touched mine, warm and soft and smooth.

"Don't," I whispered, looking away.

He hesitated.

"I want to," I admitted, coarsely. "But I can't. Not until…" I swallowed. If I was so obviously drawn to him, then why couldn't I forgive him? The thought of an existence without him was unbearable and yet I hesitated. Why was I tormenting myself? "I don't want to hurt you," I said softly.

"I don't care," he whispered in response, his voice husky, and then he pressed his lips against mine, cupping my face in his hands. It was a soft, gentle kiss, not at all like the one we'd shared in Chicago. His lips parted ever so slightly and I tasted him on my tongue, his sweet lilac scent threatening to overwhelm my senses. It was so very irresistible. I ignored the voice in my mind that was screaming at me to stop, that was insisting I was making a mistake. I couldn't. This was so very different from the way he'd kissed me when I was human. He no longer had to fear he'd kill me in a moment of carelessness, no longer had to keep his lips sealed so I wouldn't come in contact with his venom. I tasted that too, a trace of metallic bitterness amidst the sweetness that was Edward. Heat started to spread through my body, pooling in the pit of my stomach.

I pressed my palms against his naked chest, suddenly very aware that there was only a thin layer of fabric between us. I was also vaguely aware that there was a reason why I hadn't wanted him to kiss me, but I couldn't remember. I moulded my body into his, pushing him down into the snow. He untangled his right hand from my hair, his fingers travelling over my cheek, my throat and down to my shoulder. The tingling sensation they left in their wake caused the fire in my stomach to flare. I felt—and smelled—his body respond and pressed myself even closer against his frame.

It was his palm against the curve of my breast that brought reality back abruptly.

I leaned back, dazed and shocked, and Edward's hand slid instantly away. He was breathing raggedly underneath me, his left hand still entangled in my hair and his eyes wide and darkened with desire.

"I'm sorry, love," he rasped, blinking rapidly. I didn't think he even noticed his use of the endearment for the second time today. "I didn't… I didn't mean…"

I'd never seen Edward speechless and I felt the corners of my mouth twitch into a tiny smile. "I know," I whispered, reaching for his hand and gently freeing it from my hair. "Neither did I. But I'm the one who should apologise."

"No!" As Edward sat up, I suddenly became acutely aware of his hardness, and, by the startled and ashamed look on his face, so did he. I quickly slid off his lap. The heat in my stomach refused to subside. "No," Edward repeated, more gently. "I wanted to kiss you, remember?"

"Edward," I began without really knowing what to say. Why is it so hard to forgive? I wondered, frustrated. I wanted to be with Edward so badly, but I couldn't say the words that would make the wall that held us apart disappear. "Let's go," I finished eventually. "I need to change before we go to Denali."

oOo

"The question," Carlisle said, "is where this leaves us."

"We stick with the original plan," Jasper replied. "We send Bella after her. If Eleazar's right, she won't see her coming and Alice will have a way of monitoring Victoria's actions via Bella."

"That never was a plan," Edward said flatly. Although the idea that I go after Victoria once we knew where she was had been his, he seemed reluctant to follow through with it now. "It was only an idea and we haven't even thought about it properly!"

"Alice, Eleazar and I did," Jasper said calmly. "At length. Eleazar's insight in regard to Victoria's gift was immensely helpful. He believes Victoria won't realise that Bella is hunting her instead of walking into a trap. And as long a none of us actively decides to go after her, we should be able to follow Bella as far as Idaho without Victoria realising what's really going on."

"If she's still in Montana, that is," Eleazar put in. "We don't know that for sure."

"I have Jen monitoring her phone," Jake replied, his forehead creased in concentration. "She wasn't exactly happy that I asked her to, but she'll do it."

I huffed. Edward, who was sitting beside me on the sofa, arched his eyebrows, as did Jasper and Eleazar. "That's an understatement if I ever heard one," I said. "I was there when Jake called her and she shouted at him for nearly five minutes before he could even ask her to have Victoria's phone traced," I explained. "Then she shouted at him some more when he told her that he needed regular updates as to where she is."

"Jen definitely is a hot-head," Embry said from his perch on the balcony railing, grinning broadly. He still refused to be in the same room with more than three vampires at a time, but at least he was in human form. That would have been unthinkable up until a few days ago, just as I would never have imagined Rosalie of all people half sitting on Seth's lap. She was wedged in between him and Esme, with Carlisle on Esme's other side, on a sofa that hadn't been designed to hold more than three—and rather slim—people.

I was glad she'd found a friend, because even though Emmett was no longer pretending that she didn't exist and ignoring her whenever they happened to be in the same room, it was obvious to all of us that he was still mad at her. Jasper had shoved the armchair he and Alice had chosen as far away from Emmett as the room would allow, but he still cringed every so often and I could only imagine what kind of emotion Emmett must be giving off at the moment. It couldn't be pleasant. The rest of her family, however, had forgiven her, even Alice. She still didn't talk to Rosalie more than absolutely necessary, but her anger had evaporated.

"That she is," Jake agreed. "I just hope she won't tell Charlie. I was afraid that if I asked her she'd go straight to him. She's a bit of a stickler where rules are concerned, you know, at least when it comes to covering her own backside."

"What if she does?" Esme asked, concerned.

Jake grimaced. "If she does, then Charlie will probably call and want to know what I'm up to, given that I'm supposed to be on vacation and not working. Especially since we have absolutely zero jurisdiction up here."

"Does Charlie know where you are?" I'd never asked Jake what he'd said to my father before he'd left Forks. Speaking—or even hearing of him—was painful despite the fact that I'd long since accepted that I'd never see him again.

Jake shook his head. "Don't think so. Dad knows and he also knows I'm with you, but he won't tell. We have enough problems as it is and don't need to add Charlie to that list. If he knew where you are, he'd fly straight up here."

"So Victoria's in Montana," Emmett said, drawing the conversation back to the reason we'd had assembled for in the first place. "Do we know where exactly?"

"Helena. At least that's where she called from this morning. Personally, I don't think she's in the city. There are several national parks where she could hide out without anyone ever crossing her path, especially in winter. If I'd assembled an army, that's where I'd be."

"I'm inclined to agree," Jasper said. "I also think you're right about that army of hers. If I were her, I'd keep at least have a dozen vampires with me at all times for protection. That shouldn't be a problem for Bella, but it could be one for us. There are fifteen of us, including the wolves, and while the most of us will be much older than the majority of the vampire Victoria has created and thus more experienced, that's no guarantee that we'll be able to defeat her. Or," he added, his voice suddenly very serious and his arm tightening around Alice's waist, "that everyone of us will make it out alive."

The silence that followed Jasper's words was charged. On some level, we all were already aware of what could happen, but nor that Jasper had said it out loud, it seemed much more real. Edward reached for my hand, holding it tightly. Carmen, standing beside Eleazar, sneaked her arm around his waist, pulling him close. Esme placed her head against Carlisle's shoulder. Kate and Tanya, their pale faces illuminated by the orange glow of the fireplace, huddled closer. Seth, Embry and Jake exchanged a meaningful look. Only Rosalie and Emmett didn't even glance at each other.

Fear slithered down at the prospect of losing a member of my family, but their deaths would be mercifully quick if they were killed. There was no telling what Victoria would do to me in her desire to avenge her dead mate, how far she'd go before she killed me. Victoria had been after me for so long that it was unlikely she'd be satisfied by just tearing me apart and watching me burn.

If I said I wasn't scared, I'd be lying.

I felt Jasper touch me with his gift, a crushing wave of confidence and courage and love. I gave him a tiny grateful smile.

"Do you think," Seth said, very slowly, "that Sam would help us, by any chance? I mean, this is his chance to get back at the vamp who's been harassing us for ages. He wouldn't pass it up, would he?"

Jake shrugged. "I don't think so, but you never know with Sam. I'll give him a call as soon as we're done here. That would almost double our numbers."

"I will help as well," a voice said from the hallway. A moment later Irina appeared in the doorway, her shoulders squared and her hands fists at her side. She smiled weakly as we all looked at her. "Victoria took Laurent away from me and for that I want her dead." Kate and Tanya moved apart so that Irina could sit between them. They slid their arms around each other, the three sisters once again united. Irina didn't notice the uncomfortable look Embry and Jake exchanged. I wondered if she'd still agree to help us if she knew that the two of them were, along with Sam, responsible for Laurent's death and decided not to bring it up. She deserved to know, but it wouldn't change the fact that he was gone. And, in a way, she was right—if Victoria hadn't asked Laurent to spy on me for her, he'd still be alive.

"When should Bella leave for Montana?" Jake asked now. "If we have to coordinate with Sam's pack, we'll need at least three or four days, depending on how cooperative it is. It would also be a good idea if Bella did something about her, um, fighting skills before we send her into the lion's den."

I glared at him. "You know, I am perfectly aware of the fact that I suck at fighting. There's no need for you to keep bringing it up, Jacob."

Jake's response was a broad grin.

"We should also give your shield another try, Bella," Kate put in. "The chance that you are actually going to master it is very slim, but we should at least attempt to cover all our bases. Do you know how you accessed it this morning?"

I'd given only a brief account of what had happened at the hospital today, including the role I'd played in Lambert's death. I'd also told Kate that I thought I'd used my shield, but I'd left out the tiny little detail of its side effect. I wasn't sure why I hadn't brought it up yet. Maybe I was subconsciously afraid of even more pressure when they learned that my shield had at least the potential to be offensive as well as defensive, provided I was close enough to someone whose ability it could mirror. Besides, Kate was right. I seriously doubted I'd get the hang of it any time soon.

I hadn't forgotten about Liv. How could I? But with every passing day the chance of her being still alive grew smaller. I wasn't ready to give up on her. Not yet. But rushing, as Jake had put it, in the lion's den without being properly prepared would mean certain death for me and I couldn't help her if I was gone.

"No, not really," I said in reply to Kate's question, shaking my head. "I was furious though. Maybe that triggered it."

"Does Victoria suspect our involvement in Lambert's death?" Eleazar asked. "If she does, we may not have as much time as we'd like."

"No, she doesn't," Alice replied confidently. "In fact, she'll be as convinced that it was suicide as everyone else. The news has already broken the story. It'll only be a matter of time until Victoria sees it. She'll think he killed himself because she pushed him so hard. According to my vision we'll be good for a week or so. That should give us enough time to train and coordinate with Sam's pack. Of course I can't see how that will turn out because any decision we make from this point on will include Jake's pack anyway, meaning that I will be practically blind. Again. I've been trying to find a way to work around it, but so far I haven't had much success."

I was still shocked at how easily people had believed that Lambert had killed himself. Carlisle had offered to deal with the police to avoid putting me in the centre of an investigation, for which I'd be eternally grateful. The grapevine had been buzzing with rumours as to why Lambert had jumped out his window when Jake and I had left after work. The decision to call in sick tomorrow hadn't been very hard. I couldn't face Danielle just yet, as she'd certainly want to talk about it. I couldn't face anyone else, for that matter.

"Next week, then," Jasper said, nodding slowly. "I really don't think we'll have much more time than that."

Edward's fingers tightened ever so slightly around my hand. A week, I thought numbly. Suddenly the deadline I'd been waiting for had arrived. But now that it had my resolve to stop Victoria once and for all vanished almost instantly, leaving only bleak fear behind. Fear of losing the ones I loved, and especially of losing Edward. Complicated as our relationship was, I wouldn't be able to bear it if I lost him again, for good this time. The thought of Edward dead made me feel physically ill.

I didn't want to lose him and still I was keeping him away from me.

I wished I could drop my defences and let him in.

A/N: Did you like it? Do you think it's too early for them to get closer again? Review please! There are very few things better than having an in-box full of reviews in the morning!