A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry I kept you waiting for so long. I know this chapter is rather shortish, but I'll upload the next on Monday, maybe even tomorrow night.

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews you wrote! You know how happy they make me!

Thank you to my amazing beta KayMarieXW, who is just wonderful!

Enjoy!

Recap: Bella and Edward were caught by Victoria's vampires. It seems though that they have found an unexpected ally. But can she be trusted? And how does Edward deal with what almost happened?

Disclaimer: The Twilight Saga is property of Stephenie Meyer; I'm only borrowing.

44. DARKNESS AND LIGHT

EDWARD

I saw also that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love, which flowed over the ocean of darkness.

George Fox

In my mind there was nothing but darkness.

I wanted to die.

I deserved to die.

I had made so many mistakes, had done so many unforgivable things, yet Bella had forgiven me. Had forgiven me and taken me back. Hadn't left me when I told her that I didn't know if I could keep the promise I had made, that I didn't know if I was capable of change. I didn't deserve her. I never had, had always known that I would only hurt her in the end, but never before had it been so clear to me as it was now.

I hurt her with everything I did. With every decision I made I caused her pain and the harder I tried, the more I hurt her.

Because you're a monster, a voice said from the darkness, hard and cruel and cold. Because you only think about yourself. You don't deserve her. You don't deserve anything. This time there will be no forgiveness. Only pain and despair. For as long as you exist.

The darkness threatened to suffocate me and tear me apart at the same time. I let it, let it invade my thoughts and shroud them in black until there was no light left. I didn't want to fight anymore. What was the point? This time there would be no forgiveness. There couldn't be.

What I had seen in his mind… My stomach lurched at the thought and I buried my face in my hands. But the images wouldn't go away. In the darkness of my soul they were bright and clear, haunting me. That they hadn't come true didn't matter. They almost had and it was my fault. That was enough.

Remembering his excitement was so repulsive it made me feel physically ill. He would have enjoyed it. He would have hurt her, humiliated her in every way imaginable, and he would have enjoyed it. He had hoped I might be of use to him. He hadn't been certain that another vampire would be arriving with Bella, but after he had returned from Anchorage and called Victoria to tell her that Austin was dead—and she had told him that Bella being here must be a trap—he hadn't wanted to take any chances. He had guessed correctly that if anyone would go with Bella, then it would be me. And he had also guessed correctly that Bella would do everything to protect me.

I couldn't forget the look on her face as she started unbuttoning her blouse; it would be forever etched on my mind. She had looked so desperate. So scared. I had stalled, knowing that help was on the way, that the vampire who was with Freya would stop him. But it had been close. They had only returned early because Sophie, the vampire I had tried and failed to kill twice, had tracked her down and told her what was going on. Despite all that I had done to her, she didn't want to happen to me—and to Bella—what she had seen Craig do to countless others, vampire or human. If she hadn't, if the vampire called Skadi hadn't come back, then he would have hurt Bella and it would have been my fault.

It mattered very little that nothing actually had happened. Without me here, Bella wouldn't have been in this situation to begin with. I had wanted to explain to her why I was here, why I hadn't been able to escape, but she hadn't let me and it didn't matter anyway. She hadn't trusted me before. Now she'd never trust me ever again. All I could do was cause her pain.

When would she finally realise that I wasn't good for her?

I can't live without her. The thought pierced through my mind and with it came a fresh wave of despair that flooded the corners of my soul until there was only suffocating blackness. I couldn't live without her, but I didn't deserve to live with her. I wasn't good for her. I never had been. Why should things be any different now that she was a vampire like me? The only thing that had changed was that now I could cause her even more pain, could hurt her even more. It shouldn't be like that. A relationship shouldn't be like that, yet ours was. It was flawed, dysfunctional. How could we be meant to be together when it was so hard? When it hurt so much?

Something touched my back, feather light and warm. I wanted to open my eyes and see what it was, but the darkness wouldn't let me. It wrapped itself around me more securely, holding me so tight I couldn't breathe.

"Edward," a voice whispered softly. "I'm sorry."

The words, accompanied by a brief flicker of light, trickled into my mind, but they were swallowed instantly by the abyss, what little light the voice had brought into my soul extinguished. It was so very dark. So empty.

"Please stop," the voice whispered. Arms closed around me, holding me as tight as the darkness. The scent washing over me was familiar—my most favourite fragrance in the world, the one I was most attuned to, the one that called to every aspect of my being. Hands on my back then, caressing me, stroking me. "Stop hurting yourself," the voice said pleadingly and as it did, a burst of light set my mind ablaze, so blindingly bright that I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. Lips moving against mine now, gently, carefully at first, then more urgently, frantically even.

Nobody deserves this. The voice was unexpected. For a moment I thought it had come out of the darkness, but it had retreated before the light, hovering on the edge of my mind and waiting for it to vanish again. Nobody should live with so much darkness in his soul. Images flooded my mind, memories both human and vampiric, and splinters of thoughts. I couldn't read emotions the way my brother could, but even I felt the overwhelming love that came with these thoughts, that poured into my mind like golden light. Bella's light, for it were her thoughts that I was hearing.

With the darkness gone, my body remembered how to move. I wrapped my arms around her in a crushing embrace and my lips parted so that I could taste her.

And her light drove the darkness away.