A/N: Guys, you're amazing! I honestly did not expect so many lovely, positive reviews for "Darkness and Light". Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how happy that makes me.

Thank you to all who wished me good look for my exams. The first is on Friday and while I feel surprisingly optimistic about it, I'm also a little (okay, not just a little) nervous. Keep your fingers crossed, please!

I don't know when I'll be able to write the next chapter. Hopefully, I'll have the time once my written exams are over. I hate to keep you waiting and believe me, I want this story finished as much as you do.

Enjoy!

Thank you, KayMarieXW, for being such a wonderful friend and beta!

Disclaimer: The Twilight Saga is property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm only borrowing.

45. TIES

BELLA

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

Mahatma Gandhi

Liv was dying.

Part of me had already known—her heartbeat was too weak, her breathing too laboured. But now that I was kneeling in front of her, I knew. She was thin, too thin, and where her skin wasn't green and yellow with old, half-faded bruises she had sustained a little while ago, it was ashen. Her brown hair was matted and her clothes were damp with sour sweat. She lay on a thin, dirty blanket, with another two blankets draped over her and tucked in firmly underneath her body, but the attic was cold and draughty and they hadn't been enough to keep her warm. Behind her, in the corner, I discovered a few empty water bottles. One sat beside her, still half full. Judging by the way she smelled, she hadn't touched it in a very long time.

"It's been a while since I cared for a human," Skadi murmured quietly. She was standing behind me, her arms wrapped around Freya's shoulders. Freya had asked me if Liv was going to be okay and I already knew the answer, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud.

"You gave her water," I replied, somehow managing to keep my voice clear of all emotion. I didn't want to sound accusing. Skadi didn't deserve that. She had had no reason to keep Liv alive for as long as she had and I didn't want her to think I wasn't grateful. Because I was. "That was good."

"It was my idea," Freya chimed in proudly.

I glanced over my shoulder, forcing a smile on my lips although I felt like crying. "You did good. Really good. Without you she'd probably be dead already."

She beamed at me, but she seemed strangely tense. Her shoulders were rigid and she was clutching Skadi's arm, knuckles straining against the skin. I suddenly realised that Skadi wasn't hugging her. She was restraining her.

"What's wrong?" I asked, although I knew the answer the second the words left my lips. Of course. How could I have forgotten? Freya was barely six months turned. She was having a hard time resisting the call of Liv's blood. Strange, I noted absently. To me Liv didn't smell good at all and certainly not tempting. She just smelled very, very sick.

"Maybe you could go and see how Edward's doing," I suggested lightly, so that she wouldn't think I was throwing her out.

"I think that's an excellent idea," Skadi said immediately. Something like admiration crossed her face. Maybe she liked how I had handled the situation. She seemed to have become very attached to Freya. Despite my quick dive into her mind, I still wasn't a hundred per cent sure that I could trust her. But even if she was playing me, at least she was also protecting Freya. That was worth something.

Freya flitted out of the room and we were alone.

"How is she?" Skadi asked, crouching down beside me. She pulled off her right glove and gently put the back of her hand across Liv's forehead, then sighed in frustration. "She feels hot to me, but then, all humans feel hot to me. I try not to touch them too much except for when I feed." Seeing me glance at the glove in her hand, her lips curved into a smile. "Yes, I owe you an explanation. But you should care for your friend first."

I let out the breath I didn't realise I'd been holding. There wasn't much I could do for her here. She needed an ER—and probably an ICU. "To answer your question, she's very sick. She's running a fever and judging by the rattling in her lungs when she breathes, I'd say she has pneumonia. It means her lungs are inflamed, keeping her from breathing properly. It also means that because her body is fighting the infection that caused it, her immune system is weakened and… And that's absolutely irrelevant right now," I finished contritely when Skadi quirked an eyebrow at me. "Sorry. I kind of get carried away when I go into doctor mode. Anyway, she needs antibiotics, the kind you only get in a hospital."

"I see," Skadi said. "Well, then I hope for your friend's sake that your coven will manage to get her there in time. I'm going to send Freya off as soon as the others return so that they won't be tempted to track her down if they cross her trail. They think of her as their mascot and are very protective of her, even the males with the exception of Craig. For some reason she rubs him the wrong way." Skadi grinned maliciously. "So of course I bring her with me whenever I come here to check up on him."

I tucked the blanket more securely around Liv's body and straightened. The wooden floor creaked ominously. I had a whole bunch of questions for Skadi and the one popping into my mind was hardly the most important, but I asked it anyway. Morbid curiosity, I guess. "Did Victoria change him? Or was he already a vampire when they met?"

"She changed him," Skadi answered immediately. "Her second biggest mistake on a list of mistakes that is at least a lightyear long, if you ask me. She was hunting and smelled the blood. He had just killed his latest victim. I don't know why she changed him. She usually picks new recruits more carefully. But my guess is that she was tired of being alone." A sad smile tugged at her lips. "Nobody wants to be alone. She doesn't feel about him the way he feels about her, but she's very good at hiding it and I know he doesn't suspect a thing. Besides, he can be quite charming when he puts his mind to it, the little bastard, and he is handsome enough." She laughed once. "Who knows, maybe she did fall in love with him after all. I wouldn't know. She hasn't allowed me to read her in a very long time."

I frowned. Read her? What did she mean by that?

"In any case, Victoria doesn't trust him. But he doesn't know and I'm certainly not going to tell him otherwise. He wouldn't believe me anyway." She shrugged and, having put the glove back on, pulled out her cell phone again, giving me a quick smile. "I know you must have many more questions for me, starting with why I am helping you. Let me make a few phone calls and after that I'm going to tell you and your mate everything you want to know."

"Phone calls?" I asked, instantly suspicious.

Skadi's lips twitched in amusement. She didn't seem to take offence. But then, why would she? It would have been beyond careless not to be suspicious. "Victoria won't show up tonight if she doesn't feel safe, so I'm going to make certain she does." She stepped through the door and I saw her jump, landing quietly in the hallway. A moment and another short jump later, the front door squealed. Peering through the window, I saw her walk out onto the front porch, dialling.

"Hello?" The voice answering the phone was female. But it wasn't Victoria.

Skadi looked up, smiling slightly when she saw me behind the nearly blind window. She knew I was watching her. She also knew that I could hear what was said on either end of the line.

She was staying in hearing distance to show me that I could trust her.

I ran my hands through my tangled hair. All our planning had been for nothing. Why hadn't Alice seen that Skadi would help us? A snap decision? Why had she touched me earlier? Had she 'read' me, whatever that meant? Everything had suddenly become ten times more complicated.

I sighed. Hopefully, Skadi would be able to shed some light on what was really going on here.

"Just a few more hours," I said quietly to Liv, "and then you'll be safe again." Crouching down beside her again, I tucked a strand of matted hair back behind her left ear. She didn't stir. Her ugly glasses were gone, lost somewhere on the way probably. Not that she really needed them. Her eyesight wasn't that bad. At least it hadn't been two years ago, but she was older now. "I am so sorry," I whispered. "For everything. I didn't want to leave, but I had to. It was better. Safer. I wanted to protect you. I didn't think you'd suffer so much."

Just like Edward hadn't thought I'd suffer so much. I smiled sadly. I had done to Liv the same thing Edward had done to me and I hadn't even realised it up until now. Maybe what I had done was even worse because I had left without a word, without a goodbye. Liv had been my closest friend since med school and I hers. But maybe I had been more than a friend to her. Maybe she'd been in love with me, just a little, and that's why she had taken it so hard. It would explain everything. All the things she'd done for me. I thought she'd done them for me because we were friends, but maybe she had done them because, in her mind, we were something more.

She had never even hinted at it, but then she wouldn't have. She wouldn't have wanted to hurt me. I had never told her about Edward and she had never asked, but somehow she had guessed that our relationship had ended badly and that it had scarred me for life. Liv was one of the kindest, most caring people I knew, always putting others above herself. That's what made her a good doctor and the best friend you could possibly have.

And I had left her.

That's how Edward must feel, I thought miserably. Carefully, I took Liv's fragile, grey hand, squeezing it gently. It felt scalding hot against my skin. "When this is over, we'll talk," I promised, even though I knew she couldn't hear me. I had no idea what I'd tell her, but I'd figure something out.

If only she'd still be there for me to tell her.

oOo

"Freya, could you give us a moment alone, please?"

Freya glanced over her shoulder from where she was sitting cross-legged on the mouldy floor. Her eyes were worried and she was chewing on her bottom lip again, a nervous habit that had obviously survived her transformation. She had been talking quietly to Edward when I entered the room, but I didn't think he'd heard a word of what she'd said. He was still on his knees, palms on his thighs. His eyes were closed and he was very still, the only outward signs of his distress.

My stomach tightened in concern. That's not what I wanted.

"What's wrong with him?" Freya asked in a small voice as she got to her feet, wrapping her arms around her body as if to comfort herself. "He's been like this since I came down." She looked at Edward again, front teeth buried in her bottom lip.

"I know," I said softly. "I'll take care of it." That's all I said. I didn't want to explain what had almost happened, what Edward's mistake had almost cost me, and that he was punishing himself for it by revelling in the darkness in his mind. An eleven-year-old girl, vampire or not, shouldn't have to know about these things.

Freya slowly walked towards the door, her eyes on Edward. It was obvious that she was still attached to him. Edward had told me that she thought he'd saved her life and she wasn't wrong. "Are you still mad at him?" she asked eventually, hesitant. She wasn't sure how I'd react to her question, maybe even afraid I'd snap at her for asking.

"No," I replied quietly. "No, I'm not mad at him anymore. Just disappointed. He did something he wasn't supposed to and every decision has consequences, sometimes bad ones. He shouldn't be here. Alice and I told him not to follow me here, but he did and I…" I swallowed. I had already locked what had almost happened away in a box. I'd deal with it later when there was nobody here to watch me break down. But what was I supposed to tell Freya? "And I almost got hurt," I finished eventually.

Freya frowned as she mulled this over, then comprehension spread across her face. "I see. Craig wanted to use him to hurt you." The way she said it, so matter-of-factly, spoke volumes about the horrors she must have endured in her time with Adam and the group he'd put together. I needn't have worried about giving her nightmares, even figurative ones. She already knew about the evil in this world, about the darkness. How could she not, living in the same house with someone like Craig? Even if it seemed to be only temporary.

"Yes, he did," I said softly.

Freya nodded knowingly. For a moment I thought she spoke from experience and anger spiked at the thought of Craig touching her, but Skadi would never have let that happen. Even if she was double-crossing us, it was obvious how much she cared about Freya. She'd never let anybody hurt her. "The others told me stories about Craig," she explained when I tentatively asked her how she knew. "What he's like, you know. Skadi was furious with them, but they said that I was a vampire and that it was stupid to protect me of monsters when I'm one myself."

"You're not a monster, Freya!" I exclaimed. I didn't want her to think that and feel bad about herself. It wasn't her fault that she was what she was.

She surprised me by rolling her eyes. "Bella, I'm a vampire," she said, in a tone that said she was stating the obvious. "I'm pretty sure that falls into the monster category. You know, like werewolves," she shuddered a little, probably remembering seeing Jake's teeth up close, "and witches and banshees and so on. Only I'm the real stuff. I know that Craig's a different kind of monster. He's like Adam." Her face darkened and she bared her teeth a little, looking quite scary. Or as scary as an eleven-year-old girl with butterflies stencilled on her shirt could look. "Skadi's killed him, by the way," she said then, in a lighter tone. "I know that Emmett and Jasper went looking for him, but he was already dead when they left. Skadi came to check up on him because she didn't like what she saw when she touched Craig. And when she learned what Adam had done to us, she killed him. I'm glad she did," she added, somewhat blood-thirstily. This coming out of the mouth of a child should have shocked me, but I was past that point by now. "After I ran away Skadi found me," she went on. "She recognised me and she took me in. She takes me with her when she checks up on the other vampires. She's been very nice to me. I like her. She wants me to stay with her when this is over." Her orange-tinged eyes settled on my face. "Did she mean it?" she asked hesitantly. "What Rosalie said on the phone. Did she mean it? I'd like to see Esme, Carmen and Alice again. I think they'd like Skadi. We could visit sometime."

"Yes," I said softly. "She meant it. She never meant to hurt you. You'll always be welcome to stay with us, if you want. And I know that the others will be very happy to see you again."

Freya's expression brightened at that. "Me too," she said excitedly. "I don't want to be fighting. I'm no good at it. And Skadi is afraid I'll get hurt." She grimaced. "She's probably right. I'm too small and too weak and too slow. You know, when Sophie tracked us down to tell us that Craig had you here, Skadi threw me over her back and carried me here so that I wouldn't slow her down." A little, wistful sigh. "Her legs are longer."

The pout on her face as she said this was so adorable that I laughed.

Freya looked up at me, bewildered. "What?"

"I think you're the most remarkable person I've ever met," I told her seriously.

"Oh." Slowly, a smile spread across her face. Her eyes sparkled. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you."

I smiled. "You're very welcome. Could I ask you a question about Skadi?" I asked then. "You don't have to answer if it makes you feel uncomfortable." Freya seemed to like Skadi as much as she liked her and I didn't want her to feel conflicted.

"Sure." Freya nodded, though her dubious frown told me that she didn't feel sure at all. "Shoot."

"Skadi says she reads people," I began and Freya relaxed instantly. "What exactly does that mean? Does she read minds, like Edward does?" I didn't think so because then she wouldn't have been able to read me and she had definitely done something when she touched me earlier. "And is that why she wears those gloves?"

Outside, Skadi chuckled quietly.

Good, I thought. She doesn't object to me asking then.

"No, she doesn't read minds," Freya explained. "But I guess it's similar. It's kind of cool, actually. When she touches something, like a stone for example, she sees where it has been, what's happened around it and so on. When she touches me she sees how I was born, how I grew up, how I was changed and anything that happened afterwards. She says it works best with inanimate objects and second-best with vampires. I think it's because we're, well, dead. Animate objects, sort of." Her tone indicated that she didn't much like the notion of being a walking and talking dead object. "With humans it must be really, really awful because she never touches them unless she wears her gloves. She says it's fortunate that this touch-see thing only works when she touches someone with her hands."

"It's very fortunate indeed," Skadi's voice drifted up from outside. I looked out the window. The sky had cleared up somewhat, but the light was still grey and dull. The wind had eased too, rustling quietly through the trees. Aside from that it was completely silent. "Because if I could do this touch-see thing as Freya called it with the rest of my body, I'd go insane. It's called psychometry, by the way. If you want, I can give you a more scientific explanation later. Though Freya pretty much summed it up."

"No, I'm good, thanks." So this was what she meant when she had said that she could read people. I didn't envy her. But at least she could turn her gift off. Sort of. Others, like Edward, didn't have that luxury.

"Is that all you wanted to know?" Freya asked, adding when I nodded, "Can I ask you something in return?"

"Of course."

"Why is it Edward's fault what Craig wanted to do to you?"

I stared at her for a second or two, unable to believe that she'd just really asked that. Was that the conclusion she had reached? That I was blaming Edward for something Craig wanted to do?

Aren't you? a voice in my head asked.

"Don't pester her, ketlingr!" Skadi called from outside when I didn't reply. She must have guessed that I didn't know how to answer.

But Freya didn't seem inclined to let it go. "Because how can it be?" she asked, again sounding like she was stating the obvious. "It's not his fault that Craig's got a screw loose."

"No, it's not his fault. But he shouldn't have followed me here from the airport, which clearly he did, or he would never have been caught." My reply was harsher than I intended. But Freya didn't seem to care anymore what I thought about her or that I'd get angry at her. She had edged closer to Edward's side again. She was protecting him. From me.

He shouldn't need to be protected from me.

I stared at her, my mind going numb. What have I done?

"But he didn't follow you here," Freya said, puzzled now. "Sophie told Skadi that she and Andrew chased him for a couple of hundred miles before they finally caught him. Besides, you can't get away from Sophie. She always knows where you are. That's why Craig sent her after him in the first place." She looked at me in confusion.

The sound of my even breathing was the only thing I heard. Was that what he'd tried to tell me before I had shut him up? That he hadn't followed me? That he'd tried to escape and failed because this Sophie had been tracking him? Guilt made my stomach turn. Why hadn't I listened? I looked at Edward's still, unmoving form, feeling sick to my stomach. It was my fault that he was torturing himself. Because I wouldn't listen for even half a minute.

"Thank you, Freya," I whispered and whatever she saw in my face, made her dart out of the room. An instant later I heard her outside on the front porch, prattling away in the same language Skadi had used before; she must have been teaching her. I didn't have a clue what she was saying, but right now I couldn't have cared less.

Slowly, I walked to Edward's side, gently placing my hands on his shoulders. He didn't respond do my touch, didn't even acknowledge my presence. He remained still, like stone. Hard and cold and dead. "Edward," I whispered. "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry. The same words he'd said to me before. But I hadn't listened and he wasn't listening now either. Did he even know I was here? Or was he too caught up in the darkness to notice what was going on around him? What I had seen in his mind before had scared me, had scared me more than anything else I had seen in his thoughts. Because there had been nothing. Just darkness and despair and pain.

And it was my fault.

I braced myself against the darkness as I spread my shield over him again and this time it was much, much worse. There was only darkness. Only the blackest self-loathing, so thick and dark that I was physically repulsed when the darkness spilled over into my own mind. The shield slipped out of my grasp and the shield snapped back and Edward's mind was gone. He wasn't even fighting it; that much I could tell. He was welcoming it. Accepting it.

Why did he do this to himself? I had spoken in anger and I regretted what I said. He wasn't responsible for the decision Craig had made. For what he had wanted to do. Edward couldn't have known—even Alice hadn't—and while I had every right to be angry, I had no right whatsoever to hold him responsible. If he hadn't been here, it still would have happened. Differently maybe, but I still would have gotten hurt.

And the most important thing was that it hadn't happened. Edward needed to see that his decisions had consequences, but not this way. Not by hurting himself.

I realised then that it was this darkness in his mind, a darkness that had been with him for so long that he didn't know what it was like without it, that made him who he was. He was using it to torture himself, holding on to it when he should have let go and left it behind. But he was also afraid of it. Maybe that was another reason he needed to be on control all the time. So that it couldn't hurt him.

Unless he felt he needed to be punished.

That was so messed up.

"Please stop," I whispered. I sank to my knees in front of him, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his chest. Again no response, nothing that indicated he knew I was here. I slid my hands underneath his torn shirt, traced the ridge of his spine, the smooth edges of his shoulder blades. "Stop hurting yourself." I moulded my body into his, hoping that feeling me so close would anchor him in reality, outside the darkness of his mind, and bring him back.

But it was you who sent him into the darkness, that voice whispered.

I smothered that thought before it could take root in my mind. Beating myself up over this wouldn't bring him back to me. Later. There was time for that later.

But one thing was for certain. We couldn't continue this way. I should keep Edward away from the darkness, not push him into its clutches. I should have known how my words would affect him, especially spoken in anger. Edward's mental state was so very fragile. How could I have forgotten that?

Pulling myself up, I pressed my lips against his, kissing him gently at first, then more firmly. Urgently. My hands tangled in his hair, holding him close. A strangled groan rose in his throat, so agonised that it tore at my heart.

Nobody deserved this. Nobody should live with so much darkness in his soul. His lips parted slowly, hesitantly, and I tasted his breath on my tongue, sweet and delicious. His arms closed around me in a crushing embrace, holding me tight, like he wanted to pull me inside of him so that he would never have to let go of me again. He was kissing me softly at first, as if he was afraid I would break under his touch—or pull away—but something changed then. He stiffened, his lips moving fiercely against mine, and I opened my mouth, his tongue tangling with mine…

All of a sudden, Edward pulled back and growled, a low rumbling sound deep in his chest, his golden eyes dangerously dark.

"What's wrong?" I whispered as my relief was instantly replaced by concern. Had I done something wrong? Shouldn't I have kissed him?

"He kissed you," he said tonelessly, but there was suppressed anger in his voice that made me feel strangely elated. Anything was better than cold, lifeless detachment. "You still taste like him." Cupping my face with his right hand, he leaned in to kiss me again. His thumb gently traced the edge of my jaw as his lips moved against mine, differently than before. Savage. Possessive. He'd never kissed me like that before, not even last night. He broke away too soon and I felt a twinge of regret in my stomach, even though this was hardly the time nor the place to indulge in this kind of thing. But seeing him so detached, so cold and distant, had scared me. I never wanted him to retreat into this dark place of his mind ever again.

Edward sighed, though it wasn't so much a sigh as a groan. Eyes closed, he pressed his forehead against mine and I breathed in his scent, drawing it deep into my lungs. To never smell that again, to never have him this close again. The thought drove a spike of fear through my heart. I would do everything to protect him, even if it meant protecting him against the darkness of his own mind.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered, his voice raw with pain. "There are no words to describe how much I regret my actions. How sorry I am for what…" A ragged breath and the hand that lay on the small of my back slid up until his fingers found my hair, caressing the sensitive skin on my neck. He must be remembering what he had seen in Craig's mind. "How sorry I am for what was almost done to you," he finished. The agony in his eyes, when he finally looked at me, matched the pain in his voice. He was still punishing himself. "I don't…" he began, but I shook my head and he fell silent again, his eyes fluttering shut as I gently ran my knuckles across his cheek. I didn't want him to suffer anymore.

"I'm fine," I told him softly, but his eyes opened again, his gaze accusing. He didn't believe me. "Okay," I amended and rolled my eyes, hoping it would lighten the mood. Edward merely frowned. "Maybe I'm not exactly fine. But I'll deal with it later and I need you to lock it away too. Nothing happened, Edward. Nothing at all. And I am the one who should be apologising." I sighed quietly, wishing I hadn't cut him off when he'd tried to explain. I should have known he'd take it to heart. "Freya told me what happened. I know it's not your fault that you were caught."

He stiffened. I leaned back, searching his face and saw anguish. There's more, I realised with a sinking feeling. Something Freya didn't know. But whatever it was, I would not shout at him again. I would not drive him back into the darkness.

"I didn't follow you," he said, in the tone of someone about to confess the most heinous of crimes. "But what I did was even worse." The rest came out in a rush, the words spilling from his lips so fast I had to concentrate to catch all of them. "When I realised they were waiting for me at the airport, I called Alice. Something had obviously changed and I needed to know what she had seen. But she wouldn't tell me. Carlisle eventually told me that under no circumstances could I allow them to catch me because if I was, the consequences would be… bad. Bad for me, but especially bad for you. Carlisle never got to tell me what Alice had seen because I lost reception, but I was certain that she had seen you get killed." A strangled sob rose in his throat, but he choked it back down. I reached up to run my fingers through his hair in comfort, dislodging crumpled leaves and pine needles. "I didn't know what to do," he continued in a whisper. "If leading them to the rendezvous point was the solution, Alice would have said so. I was so scared. We all rely on Alice far too heavily and I desperately needed her guidance, but my phone was dead and I couldn't reach her. In the end I decided to kill the female, thinking that once she was dead I'd be able to meet up with the others. Losing the male in the storm would have been easy.

"But I failed. I had a backup plan. Run back to Helena, find a crowd and sit it out. They wouldn't have been able to grab me with so many witnesses about. They chased me through the woods. The male was falling behind; he couldn't keep up in the rain. But the female was fast, nearly as fast as I was, and I decided to give it another shot. I wanted to be here with you when you faced Victoria. I couldn't imagine being away from you. So I attacked again, despite the fact that by then I knew what would happen to you, what Alice must have seen. I had read the male's thoughts.

"He was so far behind that I honestly didn't think he'd catch up with me before the female was destroyed and burning. But I lost valuable moments because I questioned her, thinking that she might know something useful. But mostly I was curious. I wanted to understand why someone like her was working for someone like Victoria.

"The male was faster than I anticipated and I was too distracted to notice how close he'd come. I still should have been able to escape and I would have, but I was out of luck. I slipped and they caught me and brought me here. So you see, Bella, if I had just kept running, they would never have gotten me. I made a bad decision, the only kind I seem to be capable of making, and I almost got you hurt. Again. That's all I ever do. Hurt you."

Silence fell.

Edward had grown very still. Only his thumb continued to circle the back of my neck.

I took a moment to consider what I was feeling. Now wasn't the time to act impulsively. Was I angry with him? A little. He'd made a mistake, one that could have cost me dearly. But could I fault him for wanting to be here with me when I confronted Victoria? If something happened to me while he was away, he'd forever believe that he could have prevented it if only he'd been at my side. He'd never forgive himself. Staying away from me would have been reasonable, logical. But Edward wasn't capable of reason or logic where I was concerned. At least not yet.

He was too much afraid of the darkness that would come crashing back if I was gone.

I didn't know how I felt about him depending on me so much or about me being his lifeline. Again our relationship was off balance. But maybe, with time, that would change. Later, when things had gone back to normal—because these were hardly normal, everyday circumstances. When I wasn't in constant danger anymore, Edward would finally realise that there was no reason to be frightened.

That's a lot of maybes, I told myself. But we were in this together and I would stand by my word. We had forever to make this relationship work and I wanted to make it work. Because I knew that I would never be able to walk away from him again. I loved him too much for that, with all his faults. He wanted to change for me and he was trying as hard as he could. What more could I possibly ask of him?

"Edward," I said eventually, "it's okay."

The piercing look he shot me was pure disbelief, but I thought I saw a glimmer of… something spark in his eyes. Hope perhaps. I was curious what he was thinking, but I didn't look. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle his bleak thoughts.

"I'm not saying you didn't make a mistake because you did." I gave him a small smile. "But I understand why you did it and I think that if our places were reversed, I would have done the same. And nothing happened. He didn't hurt me." I grasped the hand that still held my face. "Look, Edward. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I love you. I want to help you. Please believe that. And please, for the love of God, stop thinking that I'm going to leave you." I allowed a tinge of annoyance to filter into my voice. I didn't know if that was what he was really thinking right now. But I had caught him entertaining these kinds of thoughts often enough in the past. He seemed convinced that as soon as he did something wrong, I would walk out on him. It made me want to smack him over the head. At times like this it was beyond irritating that he couldn't read my mind. Perhaps it would have been easier for him to believe me if he could see the depths of my feelings for him for himself.

He sighed and something about his posture changed. He relaxed almost imperceptibly, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. "That wasn't what I was thinking right now," he said quietly. "But you're right—sometimes I this is exactly what I'm thinking. I can't help it. I don't understand how you could possibly want me when all I ever do is hurt you."

"Because I love you. Isn't that enough?"

His lips curved slightly and I knew that our conversation wasn't headed as in dark a direction as I had been fearing. "I know that you love me," he said, surprise and disbelief in his voice but also bone-deep relief. His touched his lips against mine in the briefest of kisses. "Without a doubt. But there's still a part of me that is waiting for you to realise that you made the wrong choice. I know it's irrational, but I can't help it."

I stared at him. Despite the huge qualifier, this was the most positive thing I had ever heard out of Edward. He was trying so very hard to change. For me. I knew that he'd told me that he didn't know if he could—but he'd already achieved so much, whether he realised it or not. Little things mostly, but changes nonetheless. Perhaps all he needed was someone who believed in him, someone who wouldn't judge him when there were set-backs. Someone like me, who loved him unconditionally. I was aware that I couldn't change him. He had to do that by himself. But I could be there for him every step of the way.

What mattered was that he was trying. That he wasn't giving up.

"Look, Edward." Placing my hands against his chest, I met his gaze. I huffed as I saw the wariness in his eyes and his face turned instantly contrite as he realised that he'd been doing it again. Doubting me. "Next time I catch you doing that, I'll hit you over the head," I warned him.

Edward chuckled quietly. "Emmett's rubbing off on you."

"No," I told him, grinning, "I've just been spending way too much time with a bunch of werewolves with the maturity level of four-year-olds."

"Or that," Edward agreed, a smile tugging at his lips. "You were saying?"

Smiling, I shook my head. "Sometimes I don't know what to make of you. Really. It's a pity you don't come with a detailed instruction manual. That would come in pretty handy."

Edward laughed. The sound was so carefree, so real. This was who he could be if he didn't insist on carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders all the time. "Bella, you are the only person on this planet who has as much insight into my mind as I do. You can read my thoughts any time you want."

"True," I allowed. "But your mind is not a happy place, Edward. There's always so much doubt and fear and self-loathing. I know you can't help it," I added hurriedly when I saw the pain flash in his eyes and was torn between the desire to comfort him and the urge to kick him in the shin to make him snap out of it. Why did he have to take everything I said as criticism?

Because he can't help himself, I reminded myself. Baby steps.

"It's just the way it is right now, Edward," I said lightly.

Confusion creased his forehead. Apparently, he'd expected a different response.

"It won't be like this forever. But for now I'd like to stay out of your head and don't tell me that you don't value your privacy."

"I do," he admitted reluctantly. Closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose. He sometimes did that when he needed to think. A human habit he must have acquired over the years. Then he sighed, but the ghost of a smile softened his expression. "Even I don't want to be inside my head right now. I can hardly ask you to face my demons." He leaned in to kiss my forehead, his touch feather-light and soft. "But then, you already have."

"What are you talking about?"

"It was your mind that drove the darkness away." His voice was quiet and it held a touch of reverence and awe. "Your thoughts. I don't know how you did it but you somehow must have lifted your shield completely off your mind because I could read your thoughts."

I frowned, puzzled. "I didn't." Searching for the double layers that were my shield, I found them exactly where I expected them to be—firmly in place around my mind. I could push the secondary layer away with relative ease now, but the primary layer wouldn't budge. When I touched it, it didn't even so much as ripple. I didn't mind; it was there to protect me and I couldn't see what advantage controlling it would give me.

So there was no way I had lifted it away. I would have noticed. Besides, even if I could have moved it, I was pretty sure I'd have to push the secondary layer away first because it was in the way. Since my shield had a habit of snapping around Edward automatically as soon as I pushed it away from my mind—if he stood close to me, that was; my range was still sadly limited—I would have heard his thoughts and, within them, my own. But I hadn't.

"You did," he insisted. "You can look if you want. Maybe you were too distracted to notice," he suggested, seeing the dubious look on my face. "It doesn't matter now. What matters is that you fought the darkness for me. Thank you, Bella." This time he kissed me on the lips, slowly and gently. As far as kisses went, it was a very chaste kiss, but just as he pulled away I heard the front door open and close. Skadi had obviously finished her calls. Freya was with her, humming tunelessly. She sounded happy.

"You know what?" I grasped Edward's hands and held them against my silent heart. "When this is over, I'm going to ask Esme to lend us her island for a couple of months. Until Christmas maybe. Just you and me and the sun and the ocean. We need some alone time, away from everything. I think it'll be good for us." It would give us time to talk, time to work on our relationship.

Edward's lips curved into that crooked smile I loved so much. "I'd love that," he said and he sounded hopeful.