A year later…
Yesterday, he kissed the lips of an angel.
Velvety lips pressing gently unto his. A quiet moan. A slight moment of apprehension before he slams her body against the wall.
Passion. Fire. Sinful feelings bursting within. Unrealistic dreams he doesn't know how not to hang on to. The promise that tomorrow, she would meet him again.
Today, reality hit him right between the eyes. Her eyes sparkling at breakfast. An arm slung over her shoulder. A kiss on her cheek. His eyes narrow into a glare as he stares at Remus. She looks up. She blushes. She looks quickly away.
He doesn't eat breakfast. No one notices. Sirius stuffs his face. Peter steals Remus' food. Remus is the only one of the three using a fork and knife. She doesn't eat either.
In class, she passes him a note.
Meet me tonight. PLEASE! LE
He folds the paper up into a neat square. He smells her perfume next to him. His fingers gently graze hers under the desk. She folds her hand into his. Her eyes focused on Remus the whole time. He looks straight ahead. He avoids them the rest of the day.
She arrives first. Early. She paces the classroom, up and down waiting for him to come. She's stupid, she's cruel, but she has to meet him. She has to touch him and kiss him and love him. If only, if only last year she let herself embrace this. If only she didn't try and pretend it didn't matter, he didn't matter.
A door opens. James, she says as a smile appears on her face.
We need to talk, her smile falls. His eyes remain clouded as he sits on a desk. She sits next to him.
I love you, Lil. I always have… he tries to begin but pauses and silence takes over. They sit next to each other, two awkward teenagers playing in a world of maturity they cannot handle. They are too young to understand the complexity of such passion.
He grabs her hand. Sparks. Passion. All from a single touch. He stares at her pale fingers, traces a vein showing through the skin.
I can't do this anymore. A whisper. As quiet as can be but screamed in her mind. An end, an end to something that never really began.
James, please we can work this out. She wants to cry. She wants to beg. But, she won't. She won't bring herself to beg him to love her.
He's my best friend and every moment I spend with you, every thought I have about you, it's a betrayal to him. A swift slide off the desk. He stands in front of her. Stares into her face. Her eyes.
She touches his face. Finger tips barely grazing his tanned cheek as a tear rolls down her nose. But I love you, she whispers. Maybe, maybe that will make it okay.
It doesn't.
His eyes close. A single tear leaks out at her words. I know, but… it hangs in the air. The reality they wish they could pretend does not exist. But you're his. You aren't free to love me. You wouldn't have me when you could. It hangs still in the air between them.
But, he loves you, he says instead.
I don't care, she says. Yet, she does. They both do.
You love him, too. There was no accusation. Just a truth, a fact. She loves him. She loves Remus. As a rock. As that constant in life she's gotten so used to she no longer knows if she can live without him. But James, James is her world.
Not like, not like I love you.
Lily, please, don't make this…
Hard? How can it not be?
This is wrong. What we're doing is wrong.
No, James, this is the only thing about my life that feels right.
His forehead tilts against hers. He can almost taste her. He can feel her breath.
A whisper, I don't want to live without you. A kiss. An end that feels so much like a beginning.
He doesn't ask her to leave his best friend. She doesn't offer what she isn't sure in her heart she can do.
The truth is, she loves them both.
James, I can't let you go. A quick look at the ground. Visions of her with Remus. Moments of their love flashing by. The plain truth is that in this moment, their love could never be something more free. And he loves the light.
Be happy with him, Lily.
A step back. A moment's hesitation before the door slams. She's alone.
But I could never love him as I love you, James. A quiet whisper. A quiet truth. The ruin of her heart as she realizes he walked away.
When she enters the common room, tears wiped clean, the four marauders lounge by the fire. She sits in Remus' arms and their eyes never once meet.