Yesterday, he thought he saw her hair in a crowd. He was walking through his training center and saw fiery, red hair walking away from him. It took a moment and a small chase in which he scared said red haired woman before he remembered that Lily had never wanted to be an auror.
Last night, he got drunk just to stop thinking about her.
Sirius supplied tequila. Remus grudgingly brought a small bottle fire whiskey. Peter supplied various snacks. James brought his depression.
The night is a blur. He's sure he told Sirius that he is in love with him. He's sure he sang his old school song with Peter as loud as can be. He's sure that the mysterious black eye he's nursing was from Remus, after he let it slip, possibly, that he saw Lily behind Remus' back.
The truth is, he didn't think he would miss her this much.
Another truth is, he thought she would miss him more.
He wrote her. He told her that his apartment was nice. He told her that Sirius is a horrid roommate. He told her that not being near her was harder than he could have imagined. That, beyond all else, he loved her.
But she never wrote him back.
A small sigh. A scream from across the hall that if they don't leave now, they're going to be late.
Moody will have our asses, Sirius calls as James splashes water on his face. A release of breath as he readies himself for another day. A brief walk and they are there.
Ten laps, moody had screamed as the two entered the gym. Standard morning workout. James, he hears behind him as he begins.
A secret smile. Butterflies. Something, something else he cannot describe. Beverly, hi.
It's nothing. A chat. A morning run at work. A new friend he likes to spend time with.
It's not his fault they have passion.
Hidden nights. Midnight hair flowing over his chest. Hard, grasping kisses as each try and forget. Mornings of waking alone yet still shivering from the night before.
I called you last night.
Sorry Bev, Remus came over. Boy's night.
Well what about tonight?
A sly smile on his lips. Hangover forgotten. A void slowly being filled.
Sounds like fun. Fun and excitement. Danger, a spark, it all comes within the little package of Beverly. Their exactly alike.
A wink. Long, black hair pulling ahead. Nine laps to go.
Five hours and then a lunch break. He and Sirius walk through the London streets. His eyes follow every red-head he sees.
That night he realizes that he doesn't feel excited about life anymore. It's motions. It's moments. It's boring.
And he realizes that he has slowly forgotten who he was in school.
And then Beverly comes. They smile as you can only do when believing you are embarking on some sort of adventure. They kiss. The bedroom door closes and history is made.
And it was only one time that her memory intruded upon their intimacy.
He wakes up. Bed empty. Room cold. The scent of Beverly soaking into every inch of him. And as he remembers Beverly's touch and Beverly's moves and the beauty of Beverly's body at it moves with him, green eyes glitter in the back of his mind.
He almost feels guilty. Yet, all he did was move on without actually moving anywhere. And that's who Beverly is. His distraction from ever having to get over Lily, ever.
That day, he goes with Remus to Diagon Alley for his day off. He breathes in the air. He buys some candy he hasn't had since Hogsmeade. He laughs, that's the most important thing.
He sits in the ice cream shop as he waits for Remus to finish in the book store. Alone, he wonders where she is. Who she is with. If, if she ever thinks about him. And then he wonders that if she saw him walking down the street if she would recognize him as the boy she once claimed to love.
Remus comes back. A secret smile. Hidden amusement in his eyes. You would never guess who I saw at the book store.
Who, curiosity peaked. Who was it that made Remus' circles clear from his face and darkness flee from his eyes?
Remus winks. Remus smiles. And then eats his ice cream. One spoonful. Another spoonful.
Who?
Lily Evans.
The spoon drops out of his hand. A blank mind. Who, he asks again just to make sure he heard right.
Lily Evans.
Eyes wander around the shop. Kids are running rampant on sugar rushes. Mothers are trying to keep their kids from getting toppings. His heart plummets.
In the bookstore?
She works there I think.
A deep thought. A quick move. I'll be right back.
Slow steps through the cobbled streets. He pushes the door open. Immediately, he sees her. Red hair flowing over her shoulder as she laughs at something a customer says. His face reddens. Only he is allowed to make Lily laugh.
He wanders through an isle just so he can watch her. Elegant hand movements. A perfect smile. The same confident poise she's possessed since she was fifteen. She's beautiful, how could he have forgotten?
He watches her for a moment. Then another. Then ten. He breathes deeply. Sucks in his nerves. Sucks in his surprise that all along she was working down the block.
Lily, he says in barely a whisper.
Emerald eyes wide. Her smile forgotten. The remembrance of something she had been trying to forget. A slight quiver in her voice.
James.