Disclaimer: I don't own Gakuen Alice.

Dedication: To all the amazing reviewers who are still reading this after so long, love you guys.

I just know I look like a fish. I can feel my mouth gaping and closing as I loose control of my facial muscles.

Focus Mikan, Focus! Your cover's about to get blown. I look away from the burning ruby eyes that are making it hard to form a coherent sentence.

Ok, how do I get out of this?

…I got nothing.

I look back at Natsume and regret it, he looks so hopeful and I realize that every second I'm not denying him; he's getting more convinced of the truth.

I squeeze my eyes shut and feel the warmth of Natsume's hand against my right cheek before I make my face expressionless. I can never keep a poker face, even after being around Hotaru, the queen of expressionless for ten years; I cannot stop my emotions from showing in my eyes.

I blink to clear my mind, and try to keep my tone light, "Natsume, I honestly think you've lost it."

I put my palm over his and pry his hand off my face feeling the cold air hit my cheek and the warmth of Natsume's hand disappear.

I look deep into his eyes which are hopeful and tender and filled with a softness that tears my heart apart.

I put my hands on his chest and push him back lightly to put some distance between us, he staggers back, surprised.

"Look, this is going to sound harsh but it's been a long time now and you should seriously a doctor, dude. Mikan Sakura is dead." There it is the taboo word.

"I know that," His voice comes out raspy; thick of some foreign emotion I would've thought he was incapable of feeling. "I laid her six feet under with my own hands, I know she's dead."

The last part came out as a whisper and try as I might, I couldn't keep the conversation light. I was being pulled along by Natsume. My mind is buzzing and I'm sure my façade is falling, how can he say that? No, no, I have to do this.

He walks towards me again; I take three steps back and hit the edge of the sofa. I Feel my knees give out as I watch Natsume's eyes turn somber, I fall onto the plush cotton sofa no longer able to stand.

"It's impossible, completely irrational and utterly insane, but nothing in my life has made sense since she left." He stopped a feet away from the sofa and I watched as his hands turned to fits at his side. They were shaking.

"Natsume…I.." I honestly had no idea what I should say to him. I have never heard him talk this much, or show this much emotion. I was flabbergasted. I realized I couldn't lie to him. I might as well die for a second time then look this broken boy in the eye and tell him that I'm not the girl he's still pinning for even after her death.

I won't be able to leave without hurting him anymore. I suck in a deep breath to steady myself and it suddenly hits me. I realize where it is that I've gone wrong.

I get up so quickly that my head spins. But I ignore it and walk up to the sullen boy in front of me.

I grab his hand and he looks at me, I smile and pull him out the door, "come on, there's somewhere you need to go."

….

I should've started from here.

I walk up to my grave and kneel beside it.

Mikan Sakura

1995-2012

Beloved Daughter,

Best Friend, and Girlfriend

Someone left Lavenders and Jasmines next to the headstone. I smile, Mom. I remember telling her that was my favorite combination.

I look back at Natsume who's standing ten feet away just staring at me kneeling. He has lilies in one hand and an offering in the other. I made him buy it from the flower shop nearby. I motioned to him with my hand to come forward but he just stayed rooted on the same spot.

With a sigh, I get up and walk over to him. He doesn't look at me; his eyes are glued to the grave in front of him. My grave.

Without pause, I bring my right hand up and hit the backside of his head; it makes a loud 'thunk.'

"Ouch!" He finally looks at me, but not with anger, just annoyance. "What the hell, baka?!"

"You're the baka, baka. If you have something to say to her, say it!" I yell at him.

He looks away from me and says quietly, "there's nothing I have to say to a grave."

Another slap.

"Will you quit it!" The emo boy yells while rubbing his head.

I frown at him, "It's not Just a grave. She's in there, isn't she?" Well, my body is anyway.

He looks at me sharply, "Why'd you bring me here? You haven't answered my earlier question. Is it because you can't lie?"

I give him a blank look. "I refuse to talk to disillusioned idiots. And I brought you here so you can get closure."

"I don't need closure." He turns around to leave, but I grab his arm before he can take another step.

"Look as much as I like hanging out with your emo, moppy attitude, I seriously think you need help. So I'm giving it to you."

He looks at me with an angry glint in his eyes, "I don't need your help."

Waoh, Déjà vu, huh?

I smile up at him, "that's what you said before too, but I proved you wrong." He was worse then, a twisted kid with no friends and a broken family. To think he would turn into a twisted boy with a dead girlfriend complex…

He turns to me and I can tell he wants to ask but I push him towards the grave before he can ask the same question from earlier, I know I can't deny him the truth any longer.

He stands by the grave just staring at it and looks at me for directions. Hopeless.

"She's listening. Tell her whatever you want. Complain, cry, do whatever." I pat his shoulder and turn to leave.

I know he wouldn't open up if I was standing next to him so I walked down and left the graveyard only to come back without Luna's body.

I float towards Natsume in my spirit form and watch as the muscles on his shoulders get stiffer and stiffer.

I sit next to the headstone facing Natsume. He kneels down and puts the flowers next to Mom's bouquet. He sits there for a long moment just staring blankly at the grave. After a second he sighs and gets up to leave.

This idiot, after all the pushing and shoving I did. I block his path and he goes right through me. I grind my teeth in frustration.

In a bout of anger I yell his name. He doesn't turn around and I yell again, harder, even though I know it's a loss cause. This is the difference between us; we can no longer exist in the same world, residing in Luna's body made me forget all that.

Tears form at the corners of my eyes and I whisper his name as a huge gust of wind blows through the cemetery. Suddenly he turns around as though he heard something. I watch as his eyes search the area passing over me and he takes a step forward.

I walk up to him and touch his face. I can't feel a thing and he walks forward and stops halfway to my grave.

"This is insane," he mutters and turns around for a second time to leave.

He finds talking to a grave more insane then mistaking a dead person for a live one? I feel anger gnaw at my sides as I hit the backside of his head and yell his name.

To my surprise, I hear a loud 'thunk' and Natsume cries in pain much like he did when I hit him from Luna's body. He turns around to see who did it and again his eyes look over me.

He turns around and looks disbelievingly at my headstone. He walks towards it and this time doesn't stop until he's standing in front of it.

He kneels down and touches the words carved into the headstone. He traces my name and whispers with a defeated sigh, "I guess you want me here."

I go to sit down beside my headstone again and watch him trace my name three times before he moves onto tracing 'girlfriend' with his index finger.

"You're probably mad. It's my first time coming here since you left." He says quietly, still tracing.

"But, you also understand why I didn't come." He stops tracing then and sits down in the grass.

"I don't know what to say to you. I don't even know if you're listening. How can a dead person hear? But, if you are, I…I hope your okay."

"It's still hard you know, some days it doesn't feel like you're gone, it feels like you're still here with me." He starts playing with the grass as he continues to talk in the same quiet voice.

"That's why I didn't come here; it felt like if I did then you really would've left."

"Imai placed first in the intergalactic school competition. She made a nanobot, it listens to its master's every command. She was going to name it Mikan but she decided against it, she said it wasn't good enough. She wanted to make something better to use your name.

"Ruka's still pinning for her, he still hasn't got the guts to ask her out."

"Ando and Misaki got engaged, their weddings in July."

I could feel he was rambling now, like he was building something up only to let it burst.

"Do you remember Luna Koizumi? I thought she was new but apparently she's been with us since elementary. She reminds me of you. Her eyes, pestering habits, nagging words, it felt like you came back to me. But she's Luna, and there can only be one Mikan Sakura. And she doesn't exist in this world any longer."

"I've lost her."

And then it happened. One by one, tears fell onto the green grass and then more until a year of pent up sadness was released as I witnessed Natsume Hyuga cry for the first time in my life. The flood gates opened and Natsume was finally, finally accepting my death.

I cried too. It seems that was all I had been doing nowadays. I cried for him, for me, for us and for what couldn't be. I cried alongside him, wishing more than ever that I could hold him in my arms.

Then came the questions.

"Why? Why did you leave?"

"Why was it you?"

"Who did this? The police have your case as a murder."

That one caught me off guard. I was murdered? I didn't know. I didn't know anything about my death.

I watched Natsume cry while his whole body racked with sobs. When it finally subsided, he got up and left with bloodshot eyes. He walked back like a zombie, all his slickness and grace lost at the moment.

I went to retrieve Luna's body from the tree which I had flown to. I ran back as fast as I could, knowing Natsume would be needing support.

I watched as he stumbled out of the graveyard. He stopped at the exit and looked as though he was about to turn back. But then he took a small step forward and continued walking.

I caught up to him as he crossed the street and walked towards the sidewalk.

"Hey." I greeted him.

He didn't look back and kept walking. A normal person would think this rude but I knew the reason he did that was because he didn't want to turn around and let me see his bloodshot eyes.

I continued walking next to him as he crossed unfamiliar streets and wounded up at his house. He was staying home? What about the dorm?

I waited for him to say something as he stood on his porch. After a moment I started walking the way we had come, towards home.

I didn't know what to say in the situation and I didn't think he would say anything to me, which was why I was surprised by his next words.

"Stay," I heard him whisper from behind me.

I turned around to confirm if I heard right. Our eyes met for a second before he looked away, "I'll have Nami drop you home after dinner." And with that he disappeared into the house.

I was going to turn down his offer partly because he practically commanded me to stay but mostly because it was getting late and I didn't tell anyone at Luna's home that I would be gone. But then I remembered his eyes and how they had turned red from crying and I decided that he probably didn't want to be alone.

With one last hesitation, I looked back the way we had come and turned around following him inside.

…..

Well this is awkward.

I was sitting on the sofa in the living room with Natsume sitting on the adjacent sofa turning the channels on the TV. He looked lost in thought as he stared at the shifting TV screen.

I cleared my throat quite a number of times to get his attention but the idiot was either too lost in thought or was blatantly ignoring me. What a great host.

I started clearing my throat again in hopes of catching his attention but then gave up when I realized it was hurting.

So I sat staring at the TV while he changed the channel. Somewhere in the back of my mind there was a similar memory. Natsume, his parents and me, all sitting in this exact same place at a different time in another life. It was warm, the memory was bright and it unconsciously brought a smile to my face.

"Dinner is ready." I looked up to see a maid standing in the doorway. I smiled at her and got up.

I looked at Natsume who was still flipping through channels.

"Oi," I called to him. No answer.

Maybe I should throw something. I looked around the room but everything seemed to cost over a thousand dollars. Maybe I should throw my shoe…No that would hurt his pride and I probably wouldn't get away with it.

I decided to just turn off the TV. I walked towards him and grabbed the remote from his hand, I pressed the OFF button and the TV blinked before going blank.

I looked back at Natsume whose attention I had finally gotten.

"Dinner's ready." I said simply.

He looked around and saw the maid who was still waiting for us to get up, "Have Nami bring it up for me in my bedroom." He said to her.

She bowed and turned to leave. I looked at him disbelievingly.

"Are you serious? I stayed behind to eat dinner with you." I told him as he got up from the couch.

He turned to me halfway before dismissing me with, "Sorry, I'm tired."

"What a wuss." I muttered.

He froze in his tracks. He turned around mechanically and faced me with an angry look.

"What did you call me?"

"A wuss. You went to her grave. Are you finding it hard to stand on your own two feet, is that how tired it made you?"

"Shut up Cleopatra, I'll argue with you in the morning." He looked at me with annoyance and turned to leave.

I blocked his path. He gave me a tired sigh before moving to the side to leave but I mirrored his move.

He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me to the side. I moved back in time to keep him from going.

"Ok, what?!" He finally asked.

"Eat dinner with me." I asked stupidly. I actually don't know what I wanted but I knew that if I let him go he would just start brooding.

He pressed his lips together and started at me for a moment before he sighed for nth time and relented. "Fine."

I smiled at him and I have no idea what possessed me at that moment but I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the dinner table. I could feel him stagger at first, probably caught off-guard but he followed behind.

I sat across from him on the table and started filling his plate.

"I can do it myself," he said silently but let me do as I please.

"I know if I leave it up to you, you'll eat like a little girl."

I put two large pieces of steak on his plate, three potatoes, one garlic bread, half a plate of pasta and white rice on the side with egg rolls.

He looked at me like I had two heads when I handed him his overflowing plate.

"Are you sure that's enough? Maybe I should get another plate." He said but started eating anyway.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take twice the amount anyway." True to my word, I did just that.

"Whatever happened to girls having a small appetite? Shameless baka." He said as he cut a steak piece.

"O sshuff aap" I said with my mouth full.

He grinned and continued eating.

…..

"Mmmm! That was so good!" I said as I rubbed my belly.

Natsume gave me a disgusted look, "Are you really a girl?"

"What? You haven't ever seen a girl eat her fill?"

"I have, I just didn't think there'd be anyone other than her."

I had a pretty close idea who it was. I changed the subject before he started the earlier conversation. "Well this is how all girls eat. They just hide it."

He just rolled his eyes and looked away but I could tell he was smiling softly.

Dessert was brought in and I looked hungrily at the piping hot pie in front of me. I waited impatiently as the maid cut two pieces and handed one to Natsume and then me.

I looked at Natsume's piece and then at mine. I had the nagging suspicion that his piece was bigger but the large pie in front of me was reassuring. I can always have seconds.

I took a large bite and smiled putting a hand at my cheek as I chewed. I heard a cough from across me which sounded a lot like a laugh.

I ignored it and took another bite. Suddenly I froze. This was PEACH pie. I looked at Natsume in horror to see him cut his first bite and put it in his mouth.

"No! Don't!" I yelled with the pie still in my mouth and me choking on it.

Natsume stopped and looked at me, "What? Calm down, there's a lot more pie to fill your gluttony."

I reached for his fork before he could put it in his mouth from across the table. Considering the fact that the table was pretty wide I had practically climbed it and taken Natsume's fork out of his grasp.

"What the hell Polka!" He yelled out, annoyed. Then covered his mouth and it registered to me a moment later that he had used his nickname for me. The old me.

I ignored it and sat back down on the chair with his fork still in my hand. I watched as Nami scrambled in with maids following behind him probably due to the ruckus.

"It's peach pie, stupid. You're allergic peaches." I said looking away from him as my heart started racing from hearing my old nickname, to think that repulsive nickname would have such an effect on me someday.

Nami came up to the table then and took Natsume's plate. He smelt it and put it back down. He turned to the maids and nearly barked, "Who prepared this?!"

One of the maids to the left with orange hair and matching orange eyes answered, "It was Mitsuki. She's the new chef so she probably didn't know about young master's allergy."

"Who let her in the kitchen without knowing about young master's allergies!?" He yelled at them and they all winced. He turned back to Natsume and me and bowed before apologizing. Natsume dismissed him and told him to clean up the mess.

It was only then that I realized I had squished the peach pie and gotten it all over my uniform. Aww man, I still wanted to eat that.

"Come on, I'll have the maids prepare a bath and a change of clothes for you." Natsume said and got up.

…..

Why does he have that?

I looked at MY pair of jean shorts and teal t-shirt. The t-shirt said "Dinosaurs are cool" in bold yellow ink. Natsume had made fun of it when I had worn it; I had ended up dropping something on it and blamed Natsume for jinxing my cute shirt. I know I had left it at his house but I didn't think he would still have my clothes.

I looked at the maid who had handed the clothes to me and she said that Natsume gave them to her. I thanked her and put them on.

The short fit but the t-shirt was baggier than it had originally been. Oh crap, I was fat. Either that or the shirt had become loose. It was probably the shirt. Yeah, it's the shirt.

I went downstairs feeling self conscious in my old clothes. Natsume was sitting on the same sofa from earlier but the TV was off and he was staring at the wall in front of him which was adorned with a china and paintings.

"Umm, I think I'll be heading home now." I said to him from the doorway.

He turned around and looked at me, actually looked at me. His eyes locked on mine and he looked me up and down.

He turned back to the wall and said, "Wait a few minutes, your uniform will be ready."

"That's okay; I have an extra pair at home. It's really late and I need to get going." I said and started walking away. My voice had urgency to it, I don't know why but I got the feeling that I shouldn't stick around any longer.

Before I could take a step though, he stopped me, "Why didn't you tell me?"

I froze. No, keep moving. Pretend as though you didn't hear him. But I couldn't because every muscle in my body (or Luna's) refused to obey my command at that moment.

This can't be good.

And then suddenly I was encased in his strong grasp. I was frozen in place as Natsume hugged me tightly from behind. He put his chin on my right shoulder and pressed my back to him.

"Peaches? I never told ANYONE. It's a secret that I wouldn't have told you either had you not found out by accident when I had practically died in front of you from eating them." He let out a short bitter laugh.

If an earthquake was planning on occurring, it really should happen now and swallow me whole.

"Natsum-"

"You saw what I went through. I was pitiful and broken. Why didn't you tell me?" He turned me around now and held me tightly from the shoulders. I looked into his eyes and gulped.

He knew. And nothing I say would make him believe otherwise. He knew I was Mikan.

"I-I don't know w-what your talking ab-out." I know it's pointless and I'm probably as convincing as a brick wall but I turn my face away from him and mutter not knowing what else to do.

"Really?" He asks me and his grip on my shoulders tightens. I wince but he doesn't remove his hands.

"Maybe I can jog your memory." What? Before I have time to process what he's saying he puts his hand on my chin and makes me face him so that our eyes meet for a millisecond and I think I see a mix of anger and joy before he roughly touches his lips to mine.

My eyes widen and I gasp as he kisses me. His arm snakes around my waist and he holds the back of my head tenderly while I stand limply. Colors explode behind my eyes from the lightest hue to the darkest color of a moonless night. I hear a song, a sweet melody that brings back memories. And I remember that this is what it feels like when Natsume Hyuga kisses you.

He's mad, no he's sad. He's upset with me. He's confused…and really happy. I get a thousand different feelings course through me as he breaks the kiss and touches his forehead to mine.

He takes deep breaths, "I'll ask again then, why didn't you tell me?" His eyes bore into mine and I reply, hypnotized.

"I didn't want to hurt you."

He looks confused now, "What?"

I snap back into reality.

I look away from him, "Forget about her already. She's gone." Stop this, it'll only hurt you.

"You don't think I've tried? I've done everything I can. But you're not someone I can ever forget. I'll live with your memory for the rest of my life if I have to."

I look at him with tears in my eyes and watch as his eyes soften and become gentle.

"Please." I beg not knowing what else to do.

"Why? If I let you go now, I'll spend a lifetime grieving all over. I can't forget you. I've loved you far too much. If you leave me now, I'll follow you into the afterlife."

Those words send a shiver through me, that's the very reason I came here. I came to keep him alive when all he wants to do is die. With a start I realize my mistake. It's me, I'm the reason he wants to die. How can I stop him when I'm his reason for no longer wanting to live?

I stare into his eyes and see hurt and longing and a shinning hope that had brightened his dim eyes.

He can't forget me; he will never be able to. Even if he lives through these hundred days, he'll still spend the rest of his life waiting to die, because of my persistent memory. Memory's persistence leads to human actions, they make morals and values, they shape personalities and his memory of me is leading him to live his life this way. The persistence of memory will always drive him and try as I might; it's the one thing I can't save him from.

I try to move away but the arm on my waist grasps me more tightly.

"Let me go Natsume." I say looking into his eyes.

"Why should I? You're going to run away and I have no plans on separating from you for a second time." He locks his other hand in my limp one, tightly.

I stare at him at a loss of words. I can't tell him why I'm here, I've already revealed myself to him and that probably shifted fate, if I tell him my reason I could change his destiny for the worse.

I look at him, "I'm not the same girl anymore." It's not exactly a lie.

"You are, you're still the same to me. What are trying to do, why the hell do you want to get away from me?" He looks a little angry but mostly hurt and I almost gape at how vulnerable he looks. He usually hides his emotions, never displaying them like this so it shocks me that I can so easily read his face.

I can't stay any longer; I won't be able to keep anymore secrets if I don't leave now.

"I really need to get home. It's late." I tell him and move back. His hold weakens for a moment and I use that time to move away. My foot hits the leg of the coffee table just as I was about to turn and run and I fall to the floor with Natsume on top of me still grasping my hand.

"I'm Home!" I hear two familiar voices say at the same time. Natsume practically squished me with his heavy body but I can still breathe.

He starts getting up and I hear footsteps and then a voice, "Natsume, honey, where are you?"

Natsume puts both hands beside my face on the floor and gets off me although his legs are still on top of mine.

"Oh! There you are honey," Both our heads turn simultaneously to see a woman walk in and I instantly recognize the red eyes and raven hair to be Natsume's mother.

"Oh my." She puts a hand on her mouth in surprise and we see a man walk in after her, Natsume's father. "What is it, sweetie?"

He looks at the two of us in surprise and it's only then that I realize how we look to them. I blush a million shades of red and push Natsume off.

I get up and look at the floor still blushing. Natsume gets up and stands beside me, "You guys have great timing," he says to them.

I know he's talking about the conversation from earlier but he's parents can mistake what he said for something else.

"Shut up, Hyuga," I mutter and then realize that they are all Hyugas. I really wanna cry now.

"Umm, thanks for dinner, but I really need to get going. Nice to meet you Mrs. and Mr. Hyuga." At least I can use this chance to escape.

But, of course, Natsume grabs my hand before I can, "We're not done talking."

"Yes we are," I glare at him and try to shake his hand off.

"Umm, I think she's right Natsume, it's eleven at night, and her parents will be worried." Natsume's mother intervenes.

"Yeah, we can talk tomorrow." I say and pry my hand out of his and he lets me do so this time.

"Then I'll drop you home." He says and starts walking to the door.

This rude brat, his parents just came home and look at the way he's acting.

"That's okay; Nami said that the car is waiting outside." I tell him and get ready to run for it if I have to.

"Wait but-" I cut Natsume off by running out the door. I wave at him from the car as he stands outside looking at me.

I sigh in relief as the car turns the corner and Natsume along with his house disappears.

A/N: Ok then. I think we only have two more chapters to go. Maybe three. Sorry guys, I know this is getting rushed but I want to finish before I go on vacation. I hope I didn't disappoint you too much though, I lack a lot as an author which is why it surprises me every time to see you guys give me positive reviews instead of criticism. I'm uploading this at midnight cuz I can't sleep and graduation's tomorrow and I'm going to look like a zombie…Well, anyhow, point is, if there are any mistakes forgive me for I put the blame on Sam. It's your entire fault Sammy. Wallow.