Carson stood, slightly taken aback by the scene before him as he entered the chair room. Rodney sat on the floor, protectively cradling the shaking figure of John, who was clinging to Rodney like a drowning man to a lifeboat, his face turned away from Carson into Rodney's chest, his body shaking as he cried.
Rodney turned red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes towards Carson as he cautiously approached the two men. Kneeling down, so that he was beside them, he asked "Rodney? Are you okay?"
Rodney felt John jump slightly as Carson spoke, he had not seen, and obviously hadn't heard the doctor approach. Rubbing John's back soothingly, he whispered, "Hey. It's okay. It's only Carson." Turning his attention back to Carson, he replied, "Not really. But I think we need to get John back to the infirmary."
"Aye, I think you may be right." Looking down at the forlorn figure of John still clutching desperately to Rodney, showing no signs of letting go anytime soon, Carson added, "Although I'm not altogether sure how we're going to manage it with you two attached like that. Care to fill me in on what's been going on."
"NO!" John's head snapped up as he turned pleading hazel eyes on Rodney, before burying his head back into his jacket. What Rodney saw in John's eyes in those few seconds startled him even more than John's reaction. John was terrified, of Carson. Of Carson finding out what he had just told Rodney.
Rodney grabbed John's chin, and lifted it gently so that their eyes locked once again. "Hey, it's just Carson. He's your friend. He just wants to help."
"NO!" John shook his head free of Rodney's grasp before replying, in almost a whisper, "You can't tell him, he'll hate me."
"What the…Why the bloody hell would I hate you. I'm your friend John, we just want to help you. Why won't you let us in."
"You'd think differently if you knew what I'd done. What a pathetic, weak loser I really am."
"Shut up!" Rodney's voice echoed around the almost empty room, "I'm not going to sit here and listen to your berate yourself anymore. As much as you'd like not to be, you're human, and part of being human means that we have limits. I know this is a new concept for you Colonel but you can't do everything or save everyone. So okay, yes you killed all those people," Rodney heard Carson's sharp intake of breath, but he ignored him, focusing solely on John, "But did you really have a choice? You were doing what you always do. What seems to be hardwired into your brain somewhere. You were protecting Atlantis." As John opened his mouth to protest, Rodney cut him off. "Ok, so in hindsight you were tricked, but is that really your fault. It was that bastard Alcon's fault that all those people died John. Not yours. And moping around, alienating yourself from everyone is not going to change anything. What happened, happened. You need to move past it. If not for yourself, then for us. We," He glanced up at Beckett, who was still standing, staring open mouthed at the scene in front of him, "we need you. Because really we can't do this without you."
"Rodney's right lad" Beckett knelt beside the pair, trying to ignore the way that Sheppard jumped when he placed a hand on his exposed back. "I won't even pretend to know what you've been through but whatever happened to you on that planet, You can't let it beat you. You're stronger than that. And you're not alone, no matter how much you try to push us all away. We're all here for you, and we're going to get you through this."
John wanted to scream, and shout, and to tell them to just leave him the hell alone. Beckett was right, he did have no idea what John had been through. And despite what Beckett said about them all being there for him, he couldn't help but wonder for how long. How long would it be before they discovered the real John Sheppard, the one that everybody else in his life had seen. How long before he would be alone again.
"Look doc," John shakily tried to stand, using the wall for support. "As much as I appreciate the sentiment. I will say the same thing to you, as I said to Rodney, don't make promises that you can't keep."
Carson watched in horror, as he saw John's eyes roll into the back of his head, before he was hurtling towards the ground. Medical training kicking in, Carson was knelt beside the unconscious John, checking for a pulse.
"Carson? Carson? What's wrong? Is he ok? Oh God, please let him be ok." Rodney was at John's other side, the worry evident on his face.
Carson sighed. "Rodney. I can't give you an honest answer. I hope that he'll be ok. Right now he's just passed out from sheer exhaustion. We need to get him back to the infirmary, where he should have been all along." Carson couldn't help but let some of the anger he was feeling show in his voice.
"Look. I'm sorry ok. I thought I was doing the right thing. You should realise by now that I am no good with people. Anyway. We can argue about this later. Right now I think we should get Sheppard back to the infirmary."
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Watching as Rodney kept a vigil by Sheppard's bedside he doubted that anything less than Atlantis being in mortal peril from a Wraith invasion would move him from Sheppard's bedside, and even then it would be a struggle.
It was strange seeing how the relationship between the two had blossomed. From all outward appearances it would seem that Sheppard and Rodney hated each other, instead, against all the odds they had formed an extremely close bond. Of course, Carson knew, if questioned about their relationship, they would deny it. Rodney claiming that he didn't have time for friendship, especially with a grunt like Sheppard. And of course, Sheppard would claim that he had always been alone, didn't need, or want friends, and that Rodney was just an arrogant, pain in the arse.
But when it came down to it, Sheppard had trusted Rodney alone to reveal his deepest, darkest secrets too, and Rodney was here now, refusing to budge until Sheppard woke up, even though it had already been two days, and he was bordering on exhaustion. There was just no reasoning with the man.
"Carson" It had only been a whisper so as not to disturb Rodney, who had actually managed to fall asleep on one of the infirmary chairs, but Carson still jumped. He turned around to find Elizabeth Weir, clearly trying not to laugh at his reaction. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."
"Oh yes, you really sound like you mean it," Carson replied sarcastically. At Elizabeth's frown, he added, "Sorry, I mean. Anyway," he continued tactically changing the subject, "What are you doing up at this late hour?" Carson followed her gaze, which fell upon the sleeping forms of John and Rodney. "Aye, I figured as much."
"Has there been any change?" Elizabeth couldn't hide the concern from her voice. Atlantis couldn't afford to lose it's Military Commander, or it's Chief Science Officer. And she was afraid that it might end up that way, with Rodney in the bed next to Sheppard, if the pilot didn't wake up soon.
Carson sighed, before directing her to his office where they could talk more freely. Taking a seat, and directing Elizabeth to do the same, he began, "There's been no change to the Major's condition, and quite frankly I didn't expect there to be. I'm afraid I had to insert a feeding tube, which I know the Major won't appreciate when he wakes up, but I had no choice, his weight was plummeting to dangerous levels before this, and with him being unconscious, lets just say he was going to die if his body didn't get any nourishment. He's still got a lot of sleep to be catching up on. I expect, or rather hope, as much for Rodney's sake as his own, that he'll wake up tomorrow. As for Rodney, I'm worried about him. He's asleep now, but that's the first time in two days. He's hardly eaten a thing, and is still refusing to leave the Colonel's side, except to go to the bathroom, and even then it's reluctantly. And I tell you Elizabeth, I don't think I've ever seen him move so fast. He's afraid to leave John's side. When I questioned him about it, he said that he didn't want John to wake up, and think that he'd abandoned him."
"Why would he think we'd abandoned him, he knows we'd never do that." All her diplomatic training was out the window. She knew she was letting her anger show through in her voice, but she really didn't care.
"We all know that John would do anything for anyone of us. That he would never leave anyone behind. Lord knows he's scared us to death enough times to prove it, but it seems that John doesn't think that it extends to him. Especially after what happened to him, what he was forced to do." Carson added sadly. "He told Rodney not to tell me, because he thought I'd hate him."
"John's been hurt a lot in the past, abandoned when he's needed people the most. I guess he's just afraid it'll happen again."
"Aye. I think the best, and probably only thing we can do right now is just show him that we're here for him, and we're not going anywhere. Anyway, I think it's about time that I should try and convince Rodney to sleep on the bed next to John's, he's going to get an awful crick in his neck sleeping on that chair, and he already complains about his back enough as it is."
"Yes. Absolutely." Elizabeth stood, and began to make her way across the infirmary. "Well, you'll let me know if there's any change."
"Aye, of course. You'll be the first to know. Along with Teyla and Ford. I could barely get rid of them two either earlier, but I managed to convince them they'd be in a better position to aid the Major in his recovery if they weren't exhausted. They're not quite so stubborn as Rodney."
Elizabeth smiled affectionately, "I don't think anyone's quite as stubborn as Rodney."
"Aye, you're probably right there."
Elizabeth took one last glance at the sleeping pair as she made her way to the exit. "Well, night Carson. And make sure you get some rest yourself. It's all very well lecturing other people."
"Aye, practice what you preach, and all that. I'll try. I promise."
"Thank you. Goodnight."
"Night love."
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John's whole body felt heavy, and achy. He was tired, and wanted nothing more that to just drift back into oblivion where the voices couldn't bother him. Except the voice was insistent, and didn't seem to be going away anytime soon. He was being told to open his eyes, easier said than done, his eyelids felt like they weighed a tonne.
After what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only a couple of seconds, the blurry, smiling face of Carson Beckett swam into view.
"That's great Major. Glad to see you're finally back with us."
"Wh…" John wanted to ask what happened, but his attempt at communicating had quickly dissolved into a coughing fit.
"Here, suck on this, it'll help." Carson placed an ice chip on his tongue, and it felt like heaven to his parched throat.
He tried again, "What happened?"
"You collapsed, down in the chair room. Scared the life out of Rodney. Didn't do much for me either."
At the mention of Rodney, it all came flooding back. How he's managed to lose the best friend he'd ever had. He hadn't expected Rodney to be here, of course he hadn't, not after his little breakdown in the chair room, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt.
"Typical. Just typical. I sit in that damn, uncomfortable chair for three days, which by the way has done nothing for my back, waiting for you to wake up. And then you decided to wait until I had to use the bathroom to finally rejoin the land of the living.
John was stunned, didn't quite know what to say. Of all the things he had been expecting, Rodney having been camped out in the infirmary for, three days, he'd been unconscious for three days, hadn't even crossed his mind.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
"Rodney" Beckett chided. "The Major has just woken up. The last thing he needs is you in his face, not letting him get a word in edge ways. Give him a minute."
"Fine." Rodney pouted like a petulant child, before retaking his place in the chair next to John's bed. He sat silently while Carson did his checks on the Major.
All the while, John sat unmoving, staring silently at Rodney, before he finally blurted out, "Why?"
Rodney glanced at Carson, who simply shrugged his shoulders, before returning his attention to John. "Why what?"
John thought that was pretty obvious, even to his sleep fogged brain. "Why are you here?"
Rodney sighed, before putting on his best I'm talking to a moron face, which John had seen used countless times before. "Because, you're my friend. Because you scared the crap out of me the other day, and I needed to be sure that you weren't going to do anything stupid again. Because of the little matter of the promise that I made to you, the one about me not going anywhere, and I always honour my promises. And because I need to get it through that thick head of yours that no matter what, you can't get rid of me that easily."
"You know, talking of promises. I remember you making me another promise before you took me out of the infirmary."
Rodney winced. Of course he had remembered the promise he's made to John, he'd just hoped that John would have forgotten.
"Oh aye, and what promise would this be then?" Crap, Rodney had completely forgotten about Carson.
"A promise that I remember having conditions attached, conditions which have not been fulfilled, and therefore said promise is null and void. The only person you're a danger to is yourself."
John was trying to think of a reply when Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ford entered the room.
"John, it's great to see you awake. You're looking better." In reality Elizabeth thought that John looked worse awake then he had done while he was asleep. At least while he was unconscious he had looked peaceful, now the tension was all too visible, while the feeding tube that Carson had inserted, stood stark against his thin pale face. He looked fragile, as though he could shatter at any minute, and she hated seeing him like this. But she knew that she had to be strong for his sake.
"Major Sheppard, it is good to see that you are feeling better. News of your illness has spread to my people, and they have all sent there best wishes, and hope you a speedy recovery."
"Hey Major." John couldn't help but notice that Ford was uncomfortable, and he didn't blame him. Who wouldn't be uncomfortable around a mass murderer, he was probably only here because Elizabeth had ordered him too. "You need to hurry up and get better sir. Because the paperwork's mounting up. I may be in charge by default, but there's no way that I'm dealing with all the paperwork that goes with this job as well."
John had had enough of their platitudes "Why are you here? What do you want from me?" John snapped. They stood there, pretending to be his friend, and he had no idea why. Why keep up the façade any longer. They had clearly all discovered what he was really like, why would they want anything to do with him, after what he'd done. Everyone else in his life had abandoned him at one time, or another, why should this time be any different.
Elizabeth was taken aback at John's almost violent reaction to their presence. "Where else would we be? We care about you John. No matter what may have happened, what you may have been forced to do. It doesn't change the fact that we're you friends, and that we're here for you no matter what. We really need you to get better, because, really we can't do this without you."
"The only reason that I made it on this mission was because of my stupid gene. Everyone else here was picked because they are the best and the brightest. What was I before I came here, a fuck up soldier, who had been banished to the ends of the Earth, because all I ever do is cause death and destruction. I think that you can manage perfectly well without me. You have several people, thanks to Beckett, who can operate the ancient systems, so I don't think that me and my gene will be that much of a loss when I go back to Earth. Now if you'll excuse me I'm tired." With that John rolled over onto his side, facing away from them, trying to calm his breathing. That had been one of the hardest things that he had ever had to do.
Carson, Elizabeth, Ford and Teyla, stood silently, momentarily stunned by John's behaviour, Rodney most of all, who had been hoping that once John realised that they weren't just about to give up on him, he'd snap out of his current state, and return to being the John Sheppard that they knew and loved. But it wasn't going to be that easy. He did know one thing for sure though, there was no way that he was going to let John return to Earth. No matter what John said, or indeed thought, they needed him, and he wasn't about to give up that easily.
A/N: Thanks for sticking with me on this, and any reviews would be greatly appreciated, just to let me know people are still reading, if nothing else. Anyway, I've made a start on the next chapter, and I think that there will probably only be another couple of chapters after this one. I'll do my best to update as soon as possible, and I promise that the wait will be nowhere near as long for the next chapter.