Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".
Note: This is a long chapter.
Reply To All Reviewers: I'll admit now that I copied the movie script and I only changed the names and added some lines (yes, I am feeling a little bit lazy). Well this is my first movie parody story, so be please be gentle with me.
Chapter III
CUT TO:
THE TWO OF THEM.
And what we are starting now is one of the two greatest sword fights in modern movies (the other one happens later on), and right from the beginning it looks different. Because they aren't close to each other -- none of the swords-crossing "en garde" garbage.
No, what we have here is two men, two athletes, and they look to be too faraway to damage each other, but each time one makes even the tiniest feint, the other counters, and there is silence, and as they start to circle --
Their swords cross, then again, again, and the sound comes so fast it's almost continual. Aladdin presses on, the Man In Black retreating up a rocky incline.
Aladdin: (thrilled) You're using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?
MIB: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain --
Aladdin: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro --
And he shifts his style now.
MIB: (coping as best he can) -- naturally -- (suddenly shifting again) --but I find Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?
Kuzco: (off-screen) Bonetti? Capo Ferro? Thibault? Okay, now I feel like I'm in a coffe shop!
Isla the Director: Shh, you're ruining a good scene.
The Man In Black is now perched at the edge of the elevated castle ruin. No where to go, he jumps to the sand. Aladdin stares down at him.
Aladdin: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa-
And now, with the grace of an Olympian, Aladdin flies off the perch, somersaults clean over the Man In Black's head, and lands facing his opponent.
Aladdin: -- which I have.
The two men are almost flying across the rocky terrain, never losing balance, never coming close to stumbling; the battle rages with incredible finesse, first one and then the other gaining the advantage.
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ALADDIN.
And behind him now, drawing closer all the time, is the deadly edge of the Cliffs of Insanity. Aladdin fights and ducks and feints and slashes and it all works, but not for long, as gradually the Man In Black keeps the advantage, keeps forcing Aladdin back, closer and closer to death.
Aladdin: You are wonderful!
MIB: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
The Cliff edge is very close now. Aladdin is continually being forced toward it. Inches from defeat, he is, however, all smiles.
Aladdin: I admit, you are better than I am.
MIB: Then why are you smiling?
Aladdin: Because I know something you don't know.
MIB: And what is that?
Aladdin: I… am not left-handed.
And he throws his sword into his right hand and immediately, the tide of battle turns.
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The Man In Black is stunned, doing everything he can to keep Aladdin by the Cliff edge. But it was no use. Slowly at first, he begins to retreat. Now faster, Aladdin is in control and the Man In Black is desperate.
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A ROCKY STAIRCASE leading to a turret-shaped plateau, and the Man In Black is retreating like mad up the steps and he can't stop Aladdin -- nothing can stop Aladdin -- and in a frenzy, the Man In Black makes every feint, tries every thrust, lets go with all he has left. But he fails. Everything fails. He tries one or two final desperate moves but they are nothing.
MIB: You're amazing!
Aladdin: I ought to be after twenty years. Hey, wait a minute, I'm not that old! Oh, well…
And now the Man In Black is smashed into a stone pillar, pinned there under the Aladdin's sword.
MIB: (grunting) There's something I ought to tell you.
Aladdin: All right… Tell me.
MIB: (smiles) … I am not left-handed either.
Aladdin: What!
And now the Man In Black changes hands, and at last, the battle is fully joined.
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And to Aladdin's amazement, he is being forced back down the steps. He tries one style, another, but it all comes down to the same thing -- the Man In Black seems to be in control. And before Aladdin knows it, his sword is knocked clear out of his hand.
He retreats, dives from the stairs to a moss-covered bar suspended over the archway. He swings out, lands, and scrambles to his sword and we
CUT TO:
THE MAN IN BLACK
who watches Aladdin, then casually tosses his sword to the landing where it sticks in perfectly. Then the Man In Black copies Aladdin. Not copy exactly, improves. He dives to the bar, swings completely over it like a circus performer and dismounts with a perfect back flip.
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Aladdin: (staring in awe) Who… are you!
MIB: No one of consequence.
Aladdin: Please, I must know.
MIB: Get used to disappointment.
Aladdin: Okay.
Aladdin began moving like lightning, and he thrusts forward, slashes, darts back, all in almost a single movement and --
The Man In Black was dodging, blocking, and again he thrusts forward, faster even than before, and again he slashes but --
There is never a move anyone makes Aladdin doesn't remember, and this time he blocks the slash, slashes out himself with his sword.
On it goes, back and forth across the rocky terrain, Aladdin's feet moving with the grace and speed of a great improvisational dancer.
CUT TO:
ALADDIN'S SWORD
as it is knocked free, arching up into the air, and --
CUT TO:
Aladdin catches it again. And something terrible is written behind his eyes: he has given his all, done everything man can do, tried every style, made every maneuver, but it wasn't enough, and on his face for all to see is the realization that he, Aladdin the Prince of Thieves of Arabia, is going to lose.
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The Man In Black is moving in for the end now, blocking everything, muzzling everything and
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Aladdin's sword is sent flying from Aladdin's grip. He stands helpless only a moment. Then be drops to his knees, bows his head, shuts his eyes.
Aladdin: Kill me quickly... You beat me fair and square.
Isla: Nooo, don't kill him! We need him later on!
MIB: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either --
And he dunks Aladdin's head with his heavy sword handle. Aladdin pitches forward.
Aladdin: Owww… (fall unconscious)
MIB: Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.
He grabs his scabbard and takes off after the Princess .
CUT TO:
A beautiful grassy field. The Man In Black can be seen running. It's a little later in the morning.
CLOSE UP: GASTON
Gaston: Inconceivable!
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
Gaston, staring down from a narrow mountain path. Hercules, carrying the Princess, stands alongside. It's a little later in the morning.
Gaston: Give her to me. (grabs Aurora starts off) Catch up with us quickly.
Hercules: But -- but --What do I do?
Gaston: Finish him, finish him! Your way!
Hercules: Oh, good, my way. Thank you, Gaston……… Which way is my way?
Gaston: (pointing at nearby boulders of rocks) Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder, and in a few minutes, the Man in Black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock! Dim bulb…
Gaston and Aurora hurry away.
Hercules: (little frown; softly) Hey… My way's not very sportsmanlike.
However, he shrugs and grabs one of the rocks and plods behind the boulder and we --
DISSOLVE TO:
The Man In Black is racing up the mountain trail. Ahead is a bend in the trail. He sees it, slows. Then he stops, listening. A rock flies, shattering on a boulder inches in front of him.
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Hercules moves into the mountain path. He has picked up another rock and holds it lightly.
Hercules: I did that on purpose.
MIB: I believe you -- So what happens now?
Hercules: We face each other as I intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
MIB: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?
Hercules gets set to throw, but the Man In Black shakes his head, takes off his sword and scabbard, begins the approach toward him.
MIB: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Hercules: It's not my fault being the strongest.
He flips the rock away.
CUT TO:
THE MOUNTAIN PATH AND THE TWO MEN.
The Man In Black is not now and has never been a shrimp. But it's like he wasn't even there, Hercules towers over him so much.
There is a moment's pause, and then the Man In Black dives at Hercules' chest, slams him several tremendous blows in the stomach, twists his arm severely, slips skillfully into a beautifully applied bear hug, and in general makes any number of terrific wrestling moves. Hercules just stands there, kind of taking in the scenery. Finally the Man In Black pushes himself away, stares up him.
MIB: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Hercules: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.
Man In Black: Thanks a lot.
They get set to begin again. Then suddenly --
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Hercules jumps forward with stunning speed for anyone his size and reaches for the Man In Black who drops to his knees, spins loose, and slips between the Hercules' legs.
Hercules: Wow, you're quick!
MIB: And a good thing too.
Hercules: (getting set for another onslaught) Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned or born with defects or something like that?
MIB: Oh no. It's just that they're comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.
Hercules considers this a moment, then attacks, and if he moved quickly last time, this time he is blinding and as the Man In Black slips down to avoid the charge, Hercules moves right with him, only instead of twisting free and jumping to his feet, this time the Man In Black jumps for Hercules' back and in a moment he is riding him, and his arms have Hercules' throat, locked across his windpipe, one in front, one behind. The Man In Black begins to squeeze. Tighter.
Isla the Director: Don't suffocate him to death.
MIB: Don't worry, I will not.
Hercules: (standing, talking as he does so) I just figured out why you give me so much trouble.
Hercules charges toward a huge rock that lines the path, and just as he reaches it he spins his muscled body so that the entire weight of the charge is taken by the Man In Black. And the power of the charge is terrible, the pain enormous (MIB: "Owww."), but he clings to his grip at Hercules' windpipe.
MIB: Why is that, do you think?
Hercules: (his voice just beginning to get a little strained) Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling Greek monsters for local charities, that kind of thing.
CUT TO:
ANOTHER HUGE ROCK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PATH.
Again, Hercules charges, slower this time, but still a charge, and again he spins and creams the Man In Black against the rough boulder.
CUT TO:
And the punishment is terrible, and for a moment it seems as if the Man IN Black is going to let go of Hercules windpipe and crumble, but he doesn't, he holds on.
MIB: Will you stop smashing me!
Hercules: I can't help it. It was in the script.
Isla the Director: Get back to your real lines, guys.
MIB: (says his line) Why should that make such a difference?
Hercules: Well ... (And now his voice is definitely growing weaker) ... you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about one.
Again Hercules slams the Man In Black against a boulder, only this time his power has diminished and Hercules starts to slowly collapse.
The Man In Black is holding his grip as Hercules tries to stand, halfway makes it, but there is no air. Back to his knees he falls, holds there for a moment, and pitches down to all fours. The Man In Black increases the pressure. Hercules tries to crawl. But there is just no air. No air. Hercules goes to earth and lies still.
The Man In Black turns him over, puts his ear to Hercules' heart. It beats. The Man In Black stands.
MIB: I don't envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well ... and dream of Grecian beauties.
And he nimbly scoops up his sword with his foot, catches it and as he dashes off up along the mountain path --
CUT TO:
Emperor Kuzco slips his boot into a foot print in the sand.
Captain Hook, mounting, watches. Behind him, half a dozen armed soldiers were also mounting. A great black horse named Kahn waits riderless in front. Kuzco is all over the rocky ground. He begins to put his feet into strange positions, he is doing is miming the fencers.
Kuzco: There was a mighty duel -- it ranged all over. They were both excellent masters. Wow, not I'm only very powerful, I'm also very smart. Yep! Boom, baby!
Hook: You can admire yourself all day, Your Emperorship. But in the mean time: who won the battle? How did it end?
Kuzco: (looking down in the position where Aladdin fell unconscious) Hm, let's see… The loser ran off alone.
(Points in the direction Gaston and Hercules, and the Man In Black took)
The winner followed those footprints toward Guilder!
Hook: Shall we track them both?
Kuzco: The loser is nothing -- (Aladdin: "Hey!") -- Only the Princess matters -- (to the armed warriors) -- clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Hook: Could this be a trap?
Kuzco: (vaulting onto his horse) I always think everything could be a trap -- Which is why I'm still alive. Hehe.
And he gallops off --
CUT TO:
The Man In Black comes running around the path, sees Gaston, slows. He saw Gaston holding a knife to Aurora's throat. She is blindfolded.
A picnic spread is laid out. A tablecloth, two goblets and between them, a small leather wine container. And some cheese and a couple of apples. The picnic is set on a lovely spot, high on the edge of a mountain path with a view all the way back to the sea.
The two men study each other. Then --
Gaston: So, it is down to you… And it is down to me.
The Man In Black nods and comes nearer --
Gaston: If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.
And he pushes his long knife harder against Aurora's unprotected throat.
MIB: Let me explain-
Gaston: -- there's nothing to explain! You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.
MIB: "Rightfully"? Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.
Gaston: There will be no arrangement… and you're killing her.
He jabs with his long knife. Aurora gasps against the pain.
MIB: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Gaston: I'm afraid so -- I can't compete with you physically, even thought I wanted to. And you're no match for my brains.
MIB: What brains?
Gaston: (glares at him) Watch it.
MIB: Are you that smart?
Gaston: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Merlin, Maleficent, Yen Sid?
MIB: Yes.
Gaston: Morons.
Merlin, Maleficent, and Yen Sid: (off-screen) WHAT!
Isla the Director: (whispers) He didn't mean it, guys. Lower your staff, Maleficent…
MIB: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Gaston: For the Princess?
The Man In Black nods.
Gaston: To the death?
Another nod.
Gaston: I accept!
MIB: Good. Then pour the wine.
As Gaston fills the goblets with the dark red liquid, the Man In Black pulls a small packet from his clothing, handing it to Gaston.
MIB: Inhale this, but do not touch.
Gaston: (smells it) I smell nothing.
MIB: (taking the packet back) What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Gaston: Hm… really?
Gaston watches as the Man In Black takes the goblets, turns his back. A moment later, he turns again, faces Gaston, and drops the iocane packet. It is now empty.
The Man In Black rotates the goblets in a little shell game maneuver then puts one glass in front of Gaston, the other in front of himself.
MIB: All right: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
Gaston: But it's so simple! All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's?
Now here's comes the greatest speech ever performed by the greatest hunter, Gaston.
MIB: And his last.
Gaston: What?
MIB: Nothing.
Gaston: Now… a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MIB: You've made your decision then?
Gaston: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Hollow Bastion, as everyone knows. And Hollow Bastion is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
MIB: You have a dizzying intellect, you know that?
Gaston: Shut up and let me finish! Where was I?
MIB: Hollow Bastion.
Gaston: Yes – Hollow Bastion. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. I'm not an idiot, you know.
MIB: You're just stalling now.
Gaston: (cackling) You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my strongman, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Arabian which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. I love this guy!
MIB: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It will never work.
Gaston: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
MIB: Then make your choice.
Gaston: I will! And I choose --
And suddenly he stops, points at something behind the Man In Black.
Gaston: -- what in the world can that be?
MIB: (turning around, looking) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Gaston switches the goblets while the Man In Black has his head turned.
Gaston: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
The Man In Black turns to face him again. Gaston starts to laugh.
MIB: What's so funny?
Gaston: I'll tell you in a minute. But first, a toast! Let's drink -- me from my glass, and you from yours.
And he picks up his goblet. The Man In Black picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to drink, Gaston hesitates a moment. Then, allowing the Man In Black to drink first, he swallows his wine.
MIB: You guessed wrong.
Gaston: (roaring with laughter) You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned, you fool!
MIB: You sneaky coward.
Gaston: I know! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! No one has wits like Gaston! Never go in against Gaston when death is on the line!
He laughs and laughs… until he falls over dead. Yes, people, DEAD.
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The Man IN Black steps past the corpse, taking the blindfold and bindings off Aurora.
Aurora: Who are you?
MIB: I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.
Aurora: (a glance toward Gaston) To think… all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
MIB: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
Gaston: (muttering) Why, you creepy –
Isla the Director: Quiet, you're supposed to be dead. (Gaston stays silent)
The Man In Black pulls Aurora to her feet. He starts to lead her off the mountain path into unraveled terrain.
CUT TO:
A MOUNTAIN PATH
It's where Hercules fought the Man in Black. Kuzco was kneeling, inspecting every grain of misplaced sand. The others wait behind him.
Kuzco: Someone… has beaten a strongman! There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies!
He leaps onto his horse and they charge off.
Hook: (mutters) He really scares me when he's angry.
CUT TO:
A WILD STRETCH OF TERRAIN
The Man In Black comes running into view, still dragging Aurora, who sometimes stumbles, but he keeps forcing her along. Finally, when she is close to exhaustion, he lets go of her.
MIB: Catch your breath.
Aurora: If you'll release me ... whatever you ask for ransom ... you'll get it, I promise you...
MIB: And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? Ha! You're very funny, Highness.
Aurora: I was giving you a chance. No matter where you take me ... there's no greater hunter than Emperor Kuzco. He can find you!
MIB: You think your dearest love will save you?
Aurora: I never said he was my dearest love! And yes, he will save me. That I know.
MIB: You admit to me you do not love your… fiancé?
Aurora: He knows I do not love him. (Kuzco: sniffs "You don't love me?")
MIB: "Are not capable of love" is what you mean.
Aurora: (glares at him) I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.
The Man In Black grabs her wrist. Aurora flinches, but does not retreat. He releases his hand after giving her a deep glare.
MIB: You be careful, Highness. For where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.
CUT TO:
The picnic is spread as before. Kuzco kneels by Gaston's body as the others ride up. The Emperor grabs the empty poison packet, hands it to Hook, after first sniffing it himself.
Kuzco: Iocane. (gestures to the trail ahead) And here are the Princess's footprints. She is alive ... or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very, VERY displeased.
And as he vaults onto his horse and they all charge off --
CUT TO:
A view, falling heavily as the Man In Black releases Aurora. We are at the edge of an almost sheer ravine. The drop is sharp and severe. Below, the ravine floor is flat, but getting there would not be half the fun.
MIB: Rest, Highness.
Aurora: I know who you are -- your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow; admit it.
MIB: (in a Jack Sparrow-esque voice) With pride, me bonnie lass. (in his original voice) What can I do for you?
Aurora: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
MIB: Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?
Aurora: … You killed my love.
MIB: It's possible; I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another emperor, like this one: ugly, rich, and skinny? (Kuzco: "He insulted me!" Isla: "Shaddup.")
Aurora: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow never takes prisoners.
MIB: I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time.
Aurora: You mock my pain!
MIB: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Aurora: (looks away)Nothing you can say will upset me.
MIB: He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please. Please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. "True love," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you... You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
Aurora: (faces him) And what… am I?
MIB: Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Your enduring "faithfulness". Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your Kuzco that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
Aurora: How dare you! You mocked me once, never do it again! I died that day!
The Man In Black is about to reply as they stand there on the edge of the sheer ravine. But then something catches his attention and as he stares at it briefly,
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The dust cloud caused by Kuzco's horses is rising up into the sky.
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Aurora: You can die too, for all I care!
And while his attention is on the dust cloud, rising high, she pushes him with all the strength she has.
MIB: Aurora! Wait -- wait --Whoa!
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The Man In Black, teetering on the ravine edge, for a moment, then he begins to fall. Down he goes. Down, down, rolling, spinning, crashing always down toward the flat rock floor of the ravine.
MIB: ... as ...you ... wish...
Aurora: Phillip? Oh, my sweet Phillip; what have I done?
And without thinking, she starts into the ravine. A moment later, she too is falling, spinning and twisting, crashing and torn, cart wheeling down toward what is left of her beloved.
CUT TO:
Emperor Kuzco and the others reining in at the spot where Aurora promised ransom in exchange for her freedom. The Emperor looks around.
Kuzco: Disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the Tulgey Wood.
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