Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".
Note: Sorry it took so long to update.
Chapter V
THE PIT OF DOOM
A dank, windowless, and chilly underground place, lit by flickering torches. Phillip lies in the center of the cage, chained and unconscious. Then a door to the pit opens, and the Mad Hatter silently enters, carrying a tray of medication. He stands next to Phillip, who was shirtless—
Isla the Director: Shirtless Phillip! (Squealing excitedly) Eeeehhhhhh!
Mad Hatter: Sshhhhh!
Isla the Director: Don't you "shh" me, I'm the director! You're just an actor, I outrank you! Get back to your job!
The Mad Hatter sighs and begins tending Phillips bloody wound. Phillip woke up and sees him.
Phillip: Where am I?
Mad Hatter: (in a raspy voice) The Pit of Doom! Hehehe! Don't even think --
(then he starts to cough. After several hacks and sputters, he reverted back to his original voice, which is high-pitched) This embarrassing -- don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. And only the Emperor, Captain Hook, and I know how to get in and out.
Phillip: Um, Isla, why are my wounds being tended by a madman? Especially one who takes tea with a hare?
Isla the Director: I gave him the role of the Albino because he wanted it.
Mad Hatter: "I wanted it?" I was supposed to play Miracle Max! But she gave the part to somebody else instead.
Isla the Director: Hey, come on, I too didn't enjoy replacing you, you know!
Phillip: I hate to interrupt, but should we get back to the movie?
Isla the Director: Go right ahead.
Phillip: (to Mad Hatter) Then I'm here till I die?
Mad Hatter: (working away) Till they kill you. Yeah. Hehehe.
Phillip: Then why bother curing me? And why are you giggling like that?
Mad Hatter: I always giggle! Ah-hum. Kuzco and Hook always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
Philip: Wait… you mean it's going to be torture? Isla! You didn't tell me about this!
Mad Hatter: I'll tell you one thing, sir: You won't cope with this. You survived the Tulgey Wood. You must be very brave...
Kuzco: Or stupid.
Isla: Quiet.
Mad Hatter: ... but nobody withstands The Machine. Hehehe!
Phillip: Gulps
CUT TO:
Aurora wanders down a corridor in Florin Castle, looking sad. As she moves unseeing past an intersecting corridor, Kuzco and Hook watch her.
Kuzco: She's been like that ever since the Tulgey Wood... (Looks at Hook) It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Hook: Of course.
Kuzco: And since when I was concern for Jafar?
Isla the Director: Because… he's playing your dad?
Kuzco: That's beside the point.
Jafar: Nobody cares for me at all.
CUT TO:
FLORIN CASTLE AT NIGHT
We hear Geppetto's voice reading.
Geppetto: The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Aurora and Kuzco were married.
Disney Characters: GASP!
Aurora: No!
Phillip: What!
Jafar: I died!
Maleficent: Wonderful.
Kuzco: Cool…
CUT TO:
MAIN SQUARE OF FLORIN CASTLE
And if we thought it was packed before, we didn't know how many more could fit in this courtyard. Kuzco, Hook and Maleficent stand high on the balcony.
Kuzco: Jafar's, I mean… My father's (he shudders at the word "father) final words were...
Jafar: (off-screen) Give me the magic lamp!
Disney Characters: Huh?
Kuzco: His FINAL words were –
Pinocchio: (off-screen) -- hold it! Hold it! Stop!
CUT TO:
PINNY'S ROOM
Pinocchio: You read that wrong! Aurora doesn't marry Kuzco, she marries Phillip!
Aurora: I'm glad at least someone agrees with me.
Pinocchio: Thank you. I'm just sure of it. After all that Phillip did for her, if she does not marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Geppetto: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.
Pinocchio: I… You are right about that. I mean look at me! I finally changed into a real boy in my movie, but now I'm a puppet again! But I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right!
Geppetto: So you are enjoying this story. Shall I go on with this?
Pinocchio: Yes!
Geppetto: All right, then. No more interruptions. (Starts to read again) ... at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their Queen.
CUT TO:
Kuzco: The next person who interrupts me shall … Ahem… My father's final words were, "Love her as I loved her, and there will be joy." I present to you your Queen. Queen… Aurora!
CUT TO:
The archway we saw before, as Aurora emerges. The crowd suddenly goes to their knees, wave after wave of silent kneeling people.
Then someone is booing! It gets louder as the Witch from Snow White approaches Aurora through the crowd, booing every step of the way.
Aurora: No, not you. Why do you do this?
Witch: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!
Hades: (off-screen) Whoa, whoa, time out! Why are you supporting something good? We bad guys never support the opposite of Evil.
Witch: Because Isla said she would buy me another Magic Mirror to replace my old one.
Hades: Huh, figures.
Aurora: (starts her line) But they would have killed Phillip if I hadn't done it!
Witch: Your true love lives and you marry another! (To the crowd) True love saved her in the Tulgey Wood, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So, bow down to her if you want. Bow to her! Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! I love this role. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!
Aurora: No… No!
The Witch advances on Aurora now, who is frightened. Louder and louder and LOUDER she shrieks vituperation at Aurora, and suddenly,
CUT TO:
Aurora coming out of her nightmare, alone in her bedroom. She frantically grabs a robe and starts to run.
Geppetto: (off-screen) (still reading) It was ten days till the wedding. The King still lived, but Aurora's nightmares were growing steadily worse.
Jafar: Yes! Still alive!
Aurora: Thank goodness, I was only having a dream.
Pinocchio: (off-screen) See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Kuzco?
Geppetto: (off-screen) Yes, you're very smart. Shut-Up.
Aurora burst into Kuzco's chambers. Captain Hook stands nearby.
Aurora: It comes to this: I love Phillip. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
Kuzco and Hook looked stunned. Finally, softly, the Emperor begins to talk.
Kuzco: Wow… I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off.
Hook: What? That's it! You don't feel disappointed at all? What kind of villain are you playing here! (Everyone stares at him) What?)
Kuzco: You returned this "Phillip" to his ship?
Hook: Yes.
Kuzco: Then we let's get him back. (to Aurora) Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Tulgey Wood. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.
Jack Sparrow: Quite a compliment you have there, mate! Isla, where's me rum?
Isla the Director: I'm not your slave!
Aurora: My Phillip will always come for me.
Phillip: (off-screen) You better believe it, Kuzco.
Kuzco: Hmm … Okay. How's this? You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Jack Sparrow is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Phillip wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
Aurora: No…
Kuzco: Thank you!
CUT TO:
A very thick grove of trees. They are unusual in one respect: all of them are extraordinarily heavily knotted. Kuzco and Hook are walking into the grove of trees.
Hook: Why are we always together?
Kuzco: I… have no idea.
Hook: You know… your princess is really a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.
Aurora: (blushes) Why, thank you.
Kuzco: Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Gaston to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night.
Disney Characters: GASP!
Aladdin: So you do not love her at all! You just want to murder her! You two-faced llama! Let me at him!
Isla: He's not your target, Aladdin. (Aladdin looks disappointed)
Hercules: (to Gaston) Is this true?
Gaston: Yeah, it's true. He paid me in advance.
Kuzco: Ooh-hoo, I love playing the bad guy. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war.
Hook: (smiles) You are really are despicable… for a llama. (searches around) Now, where is that secret knot?
Finding the knot on the tree he hits it, and it opens, revealing a staircase leading underground.
Hook: Are you coming down into the Pit? Phillip's got his strength back. I am starting him on The Machine tonight.
Kuzco: Hook, my old buddy; you know how much I love watching you work and torturing the poor guy. But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it… I'm booked.
Hook: Groans… Very well, get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.
Hook hurries down the stairs as the tree slides back perfectly into place.
CUT TO:
The Machine! It looks big, it looks scary, it is… I can't tell quite what it is or what it does, but somehow it is unsettling.
We pull back to reveal Captain Hook, dragging Phillip up alongside the thing -- Levers and wheels and wires, you name it, it's there. The Mad Hatter starts attaching suction cups to Phillip.
Mad Hatter: I'm so excited! Hehehe!
Phillip: Why do I feel like I'm in a Frankenstein movie?
Hook: (looks at the Machine) Beautiful, isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. (Chuckles darkly) At present I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel.
He points to a dial with numbers ranging from a low of "l" to a high of "50." Hook goes to it.
Hook: This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
And he turns the dial to "1".
CUT TO:
Phillip with suction cups on his head now, on his temple, on his heart, his hands and feet. He says nothing, keeps control of himself
CUT TO:
Hook fiddling with his Machine a moment more. And then he opens the flood gate, water pours down the chute, turning the wheel, which in turn really gets The Machine going.
CUT TO:
Phillip lying on the table, and he's only flesh and the chains are metal and thick, but such is his desperation it almost seems he might break them. A terrible sound comes from his throat, an incessant gasping.
Hook: (laughing maniacally) Hahahahahaha! Feel the Pain of Torture! Hahahahah!
Mad Hatter: (says nothing)
Hook: (glares at him) Laugh, you fool.
Mad Hatter: (laughs nervously)
It keeps on coming as finally Hook switches off The Machine, picks up a large notebook and pen, sits in a chair. The noise of The Machine subsides. Hook opens the book to a blank page.
Hook: As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really, that's all this is. Except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest -- how do you feel?
Phillip: (helpless, teary-eyed, he cries) Help me…
Hook: Interesting. Not so noble and brave now, huh?
CUT TO:
Kuzco in his quarters. Piles of papers are strewn all over. Now Shan-Yu, a pale, squint-eyed man appears in the doorway.
Kuzco: Shan-Yu baby! How you doin', old buddy?
Shan-Yu: (growls) I can't believe I'm working for him. Bow to me, you fools! Bow to me!
Kuzco: Shut up and bow.
Shan-Yu: Yes, sir. (Bows, then kneels)
Kuzco: Ooh, I love being an emperor. As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Shan-Yu: My spy network has heard no such news.
Aurora: (enters) Any word from Phillip?
Kuzco: Too soon, my sugar-coated angel. Have patience.
Aurora: He will come for me.
Kuzco: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (After she glides out) She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Forty Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested.
Shan-Yu: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate. Hold on, my Huns are the most powerful warriors in China!
Mulan: Tell that to the avalanche. (1)
Kuzco: Form a Hun Squad then. I want the Forty Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Shan-Yu: It won't be easy, Sire.
Kuzco: Try ruling the world sometime.
Shan-Yu: I'll make a note on it.
CUT TO:
In the Forty Thieves' Forest, a lot of hollering is going on. The thieves are being rounded up by the Hun Squad. Shan-Yu stands on a wagon in the midst of all the scuffling.
Geppetto: (off-screen) The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Kuzco's orders.
Shan-Yu: (to Kronk) Is everybody out?
Kronk: Um, not really. There's a skinny Arabian giving us some trouble.
Shan-Yu: Well, you give him some trouble. Move!
We cut to Aladdin, drunk as a skunk, sprawled in front of a hovel, a bottle of rum in one hand, his sword in the other. He looks dreadful.
Aladdin: Isla, you told me the bottle is full of water! (Hic)
Isla: I lied. Now get back to being drunk.
Aladdin: I am waiting for you, Gaston! You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved!
He takes a long pull from the rum bottle.
Jack Sparrow: Nooo! Me rum! (Cries) Why is the rum gone!
Kronk comes into view.
Kronk: Yo! Ho there!
Aladdin: What (hic) did you just call me? I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there."
He waves his sword dangerously
Kronk: Um, sorry, but the Prince gave orders --
Aladdin: So did Gaston-- when a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Gaston comes.
Hercules: But he's dead!
Gaston: I'm not dead!
Kronk: (gesturing off-screen) You! Come here.
Aladdin: I -- am -- waiting -- for -- Gaston --
Hercules: You surely are drunk.
Aladdin looks up to see Hercules standing over him.
Hercules: Hello.
Aladdin: It's you.
Hercules: True!
Gaston: NO MORE RHYMES! It's driving me crazy!
And as the Kronk is just about to club Aladdin's brains out, Hercules lets fly with a stupendous punch. Kronk takes the full force of the blow right in the chops. It's like he was shot from a cannon as he careens backwards out of sight across the street.
Hercules: (calls after him) Sorry! (He gets Aladdin on his feet) Al, you don't look so good. You don't smell so good either.
Aladdin: I feel fine. Really! (Then he faints)
Hercules: Oh dear.
CUT TO:
Inside an empty alehouse in the Forty quarter, Aladdin sits slumped in a chair, while Hercules spoons him some stew.
Geppetto: (off-screen) Hercules and Aladdin were reunited. And as Hercules nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Aladdin of Gaston's death and the existence of Captain Hook, the hook-handed man. Considering Aladdin's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well.
And Aladdin faints again into his stew.
Hercules: … And I just cooked it.
CUT TO:
Two large tubs; one filled with steaming water, the other with water clearly of an icy nature. Without a word, Hercules dunks Aladdin's head into the icy water, then, after a reasonable amount of time, pulls him out, ducks him into the steaming stuff, and, a short time after that, puts him back in the cold water again, then back in the hot water.
Aladdin: (gurgling) Hey, stop! STOP!
Geppetto: (off-screen) Hercules took great care in reviving Aladdin.
Aladdin: (up and going) That's enough. That's enough! Stop it! Stop it!Where is this Hook so I may kill him?
Hercules: He's with the Emperor in the Castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men. And one Hydra.
Aladdin: How many could you handle?
Hercules: Including the multi-headed hydra? I don't think more than ten.
Aladdin: (doing the math on his fingers) That leaves twenty for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many. I need Gaston to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
Hercules: But Gaston's dead!
Gaston: I am not dead!
Aladdin: (a wild look hits him) No, not Gaston. I need the Man in Black.
Gaston: (outraged) Him?
Hercules: What?
Aladdin: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Gaston, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go!
Hercules: Where?
Aladdin: Back to the Future! (2)
Hercules: Huh?
Aladdin: Just kidding. We have to find the Man in Black, obviously.
Hercules: But you don't know where he is.
Aladdin: Don't bother me with trifles; after twenty years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!
Hercules: (muttering to himself) He's gone insane.
CUT TO:
Emperor Kuzco's chamber, strewn with maps, etc. Shan-Yu enters, and kneels.
Kuzco: (sharpening his dagger) Rise and report, my guinea pig.
Shan-Yu: Call me a guinea pig, you'll die like one. The Forty Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men and one Hydra guard the castle gate.
Kuzco: Double it. Include the hyenas if you must. My princess must be safe.
Shan-Yu: The gate has but one key, and I carry that.
He shows the key, dangling from a chain around his neck. Just at that moment, Aurora enters.
Kuzco: Ah, My dulcet darling! Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Aurora: (quietly) Every ship but your four fastest, you mean.
He looks at her blankly for a moment.
Aurora: Every ship but the four you sent.
Kuzco: Yes! Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four.
Shan-Yu: (bows, exits) Your Majesties.
Aurora: (staring at Kuzco) You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter. Phillip will come for me anyway.
Kuzco: It's always Phillip! You're a silly girl.
Aurora: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
Kuzco: You… (close to erupting; speaks very distinctly) I-would-not-say-such things-if-I- were-you-
Aurora: (Passionately) Why not? You can't hurt me. Phillip and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.
Kuzco: (blinks a few times, then frowns) Okay, this has gone too far.
He jumps at her, yanking her by the arm. He starts to pull her along down a corridor, out of control, his words indistinct.
Kuzco: I WOULD NOT SAY SUCH THINGS IF I WERE YOU!
He throws open the door to Aurora's room, slams it shut, locks it, breaks into a wild run and --
CUT TO:
Phillip in the Machine, but it's not on. Captain Hook is adding more notes to his book while the Mad Hatter is having tea by himself. They look up as Kuzco suddenly comes down the steps, raging.
Kuzco: (at Phillip) You know, you guys truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no fella in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.
And with that he whirls, turns on The Machine, grabs the lever and pulls it up to "50".
Hook: Not to fifty! Oh, well…
CUT TO:
Phillip has never had such pain. The pain grows and grows and with it, he lets out a blood-curdling scream, so loud, thunderous, and rising.
The sound moves along, LOUDER AND LOUDER, and --
CUT TO:
Aladdin and Hercules are trying to make their way through the jammed marketplace, which suddenly quiets as the fading sound comes through.
Aladdin: Herc, listen, do you hear? -- That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Hook slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now.
Hercules: The Man in Black?
Aladdin: Yes. His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for ultimate suffering? (trying to push through) Excuse me -- pardon me, it's important --
No one budges and the sound is fading faster.
Aladdin: Herc, please --
Hercules: EVERYBODY ... MOVE!
And the crowd begins to fall away, and he and Aladdin start to track the fading scream
Aladdin: Thank you.
CUT TO:
The grove of trees near the Pit of Doom. The Mad Hatter appears wheeling a barrow. He is happily humming the Unbirthday Song when a sword touches his chest.
Aladdin: Where is the Man in Black?
Mad Hatter: I'm not telling.
Aladdin: Hercules, jog his memory.
And Herc crunches the Mad Hatter on the top of the head as if he had a hammer and was driving in a nail. The Mad Hatter drops without a sound.
Hercules: I'm sorry, Al. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Aladdin? Aladdin, what are you doing?
CUT TO:
Aladdin kneeling, the sword held tight between his hands. Eyes closed, he faces the grove of trees, starts to talk, and his voice low and strange.
Aladdin: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere ... somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please.
And now he rises, eyes still closed.
Aladdin: Guide my sword.
Aladdin, eyes shut tight, walks forward, the great sword held in his hands. Hercules, frightened, follows close behind.
Aladdin walks blindly through the grove of trees. He moves to the secret knot, hesitates, and then moves past it. Then he stops. For a long moment he stands frozen. Suddenly he whirls, eyes still closed, and the sword strikes home dead center into a knot and --
Nothing. He has failed.
Aladdin: No…
In utter despair he collapses against the tree. Against a knot in the tree. It slides away, revealing the staircase. He and Hercules look at each other, and then start down.
CUT TO:
Phillip is lying by The Machine, both his eyes were closed. Herc leans over him, listening for a heartbeat. Then he looks at Aladdin, shakes his head.
Hercules: He's dead.
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(1) – If you seen Mulan, then you would remember that almost all of the Huns were killed in an avalanche.
(2)– A line from "Back To the Future".
Up next, the appearance of Miracle Max!
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