Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, and "The Princess Bride".

Note: Sorry it took so long to update, folks.

Chapter V

Pinocchio (terribly horrified): Grandpa, Grandpa, wait! W-what did Hercules mean, "He's dead?" I mean he didn't mean dead.

Hercules: (off-screen) He is dead, I examined him. I'm sorry.

Disney Toons: NOOOOOO!!!!!!

Disney Villains: (cheering) YESSSSS!!!!

Pinocchio: Phillip is faking it, right?

Geppetto: You want me to read this or not?

Pinocchio: Who gets Kuzco?

Geppetto: I don't understand.

Aladdin: I'll get him!! I'll get that two-faced son-of-a—

Isla the Director: Sorry, Al, but you can't. You only get Hook because he killed your father. Not that he really did, but just try to imagine him doing it.

Aladdin: (after a moment of silence) I'm going to kill Hook.

Pinocchio: Who kills Emperor Kuzco at the end? Somebody's got to do it! Is it Aladdin? Who? Tell me!

Geppetto: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.

Pinocchio: You mean he wins? What in the name Disney's mustache did you read me this thing for?

Geppetto suddenly looks serious.

Geppetto: You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now.

He starts to get up when Pinocchio began shaking his wooden head and gesturing the old man toward the chair.

Pinocchio: No! I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down, all right?

Geppetto: (smiles) Okay. (sitting and opening the book again) All right, now, let's see. Where were we? Oh yes. In the Pit of Doom…

CUT TO:

Back in the Pit, Aladdin and Hercules both look devastated. For a moment, the young Arabian just sags.

Aladdin: Well, I have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Herc. Bring the body.

Hercules: The body??? We're going to bury him?

Aladdin: Of course not, have you any money?

Hercules: I have… a little. Why?

Aladdin: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

Frollo: You can't buy miracles, you fool!!

Isla the Director: (starts to sings) There can be miracles, when you believe—

Ker-RACK!!

Suddenly, a bottle of rum shatters at the back of her head, and Isla pitches forward unconscious. Jack Sparrow looks mournfully at the broken in his hand.

Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum always gone?

He shrugs a bit, and then pushes the knocked-out Isla of her seat and occupies the vacant chair as the new director.

Jack Sparrow: Since Miss Director won't be joining us anymore for a while; I think I should be your new director for the rest of the movie. If we want to keep this film going, I suggest we get along or I'll send you to Davy Jones' locker. And I want someone to bring me new bottle of rum. Savvy?

Mushu: He's even worse that Isla.

Jack Sparrow: Less talk, more action!

Hercules takes the corpse and follows Aladdin up the stairs. The scene moves to an old cottage, near dusk. Aladdin and Hercules, with Phillip on his shoulder, approach the door. They knock. From inside the cottage a familiar voice is heard.

Voice: (off-screen) Go away!

Aladdin: We know you are in there, open up. (pounds again)

A small window in the door slid open, and Merlin's face appears. He looks at them grumpily and he isn't wearing his pointy hat.

Merlin: What? What?

Aladdin: Are you the Miracle Merlin who worked for the king all those years?

Merlin: Jafar's stinking son fired me because I transformed him a llama. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!

He shuts the window. They rap on the door.

Merlin: (opening the window) Beat it or I'll call the Hun Squad.

Hercules: I'm on the Hun Squad.

Merlin: (looking at Herc) Judging by your appearance, I think you are the Hun Squad.

Aladdin: We need a miracle. It's very important.

Merlin: Look, I'm retired and a bumbling old goat. And besides, why would you want someone Jafar's stinking llama son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.

Aladdin: He's… already dead.

Merlin: (for the first time, interested) He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.

He unlocks the door and lets them in. Aladdin and Hercules hurry inside. Herc carries Phillip who is just starting to stiffen up a little. He lays Phillip down across a bench by the fireplace. Merlin picks Phillip's arm up and lets it drop limp.

Merlin: I've seen worse.

He studies Phillip a moment, checking here, checking there.

Aladdin: Sir…

Merlin: My name is Merlin, and I prefer to be called by that name.

Aladdin: Um, Merlin…

Merlin: Hah?

Aladdin: We're really in a terrible rush.

Merlin: Don't rush me, young man. You rush a miracle wizard, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

Aladdin: Two bucks.

Merlin: Oh come on, I don't run a candy shop here. Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause. And I won't even tell you what it is.

Aladdin: This is a noble cause, sir! (pointing to Phillip) His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.

Merlin: I'm afriad you are a rotten liar.

Aladdin: I'm not a rotten liar! Okay fine, maybe I did lie… But I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.

Merlin: Your first story was better. (looking around) Where's that bellows? (spots it)

He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.

He goes to get a huge bellows.

Aladdin: He's dead! He can't talk.

Merlin: Impudent piece of crockery. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth.

Hercules does. Merlin inserts the bellows in Phillip's mouth and starts to pump.

Merlin: Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

Aladdin and Hercules: (in unison) What's that?

Merlin: Strip him down, burn the corpse, go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Hercules: You mean…

Merlin: For goodness sakes, don't take too seriously!

Merlin stops pumping and he puts the bellows away. He bends down next to Phillip.

Merlin: Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?

And he presses lightly on Phillip's chest.

Phillip: (faintly) ... tr ... oooo ... luv...

Everybody stares at amazement at Phillip lying there on the bench.

Aladdin: True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

Merlin: My boy, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice cup of chocolate milk, where the cocoa is nice and warm and with marshmallows on top. (smacks his lips) They're so perky, I love that...

Jack Sparrow: Sounds nice, I prefer rum.

Merlin: ... But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated --

Another familiar voice: Liar! LIAR!

Madame Mim storms out of a back room and walks toward Merlin angrily. Merlin, disgusted by her appearance, backs away.

Merlin: GET BACK, WITCH! …. Literally speaking.

Mim: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!!! … Figuratively speaking. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.

Merlin: We were never married! You never had it so good.

Mim: "True love." He said, "True love," Merlin!

Merlin: Don't say another word, Mim. Or I'll give you malignalitaloptereosis again and you won't get out of bed until Disney comes back!

Mim: You wouldn't dare!

Merlin: I will, so help me I will!

Hercules: Is this the same Merlin who said love is the most powerful force in the world?

Mim: (turning to Al and Herc) He's afraid! Ever since Kuzco fired him, his confidence is shattered.

Merlin: Oh, hang it all! Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!!

Mim: What, Kuzco?

Merlin: No!

Mim: Kuzco! Kuzco!

Mim keeps on repeating the infamous name while Merlin holds his hands over his ears.

Merlin: I'm not listening!

Mim: Yes you are, you old goat! A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help --

Merlin: Nobody's hearing nothing!

Mim: Kuzco! Kuzco! Kuzco!

Aladdin: Phillip is Aurora's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Kuzco's wedding.

Merlin: (to Mim) Shut up -- (now to Al) Wait. Wait. I make him better, Kuzco suffers?

Aladdin: Humiliations galore!

Merlin pauses a bit and he began to chuckle.

Merlin: That is a noble cause! Give me the two bucks, I'm on the job.

Merlin grabs his trademark hat and puts it on. Mim shrieks excitedly.

A few minutes later, both Merlin and Mim, exhausted, are looking at a small round lump, as Mim, cooking utensil in hand, covers the thing with what looks like chocolate. Aladdin and Hercules stare at the thing too.

Aladdin: THAT'S the miracle pill?

(Merlin nods)

Mim: (finishing) The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And he shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?

Merlin: An hour.

Mim: Yeah, an hour.

Merlin: A good hour. Yeah.

Aladdin accepts the pill as Hercules takes Phillip, who is stiff as a board now. Aladdin heads out the door with Herc behind him.

Aladdin: Thank you for everything.

Mim: (waving after them) Bye-bye, boys!

Merlin: Have fun storming the castle!

Mim: (to Merlin) Think it'll work?

Merlin: It would take a miracle. Bye!

Mim: Bye.

CUT TO:

Hercules, Aladdin, and Phillip on the top of the outer wall of the castle. They look down to the front gate of the castle. The sixty men (the Huns), several hyenas, and the Hydra are visible. Hercules is thunderstruck by how many Huns there are. Upset, he turns to Aladdin, who is concentrating unsuccessfully, trying to prop Phillip against the wall.

Hercules: Aladdin, there's more than thirty. They even include the hyenas.

Aladdin: What's the difference? (indicating the half-dead Phillip) We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him.

Hercules: Has it been fifteen minutes?

Aladdin: I don't have a watch and we can't wait; the wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand.

During this, Hercules, using all his strength, has managed to get Phillip into a right angled sitting position, while Aladdin brings out the miracle pill.

Aladdin: Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.

Hercules: (following orders) How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?

Aladdin drops the pill into Phillip's mouth.

Aladdin: Your guess is as good as mine.

Phillip: (suddenly awake) I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!

Hercules: Guess not very long. It's a miracle! He's alive!

Phillip sits there, immobile, like a ventriloquist's dummy.

Phillip: Why won't my arms move?

Hercules: You've been mostly dead all day.

Phillip: What?

Aladdin: We had Miracle Merlin make a pill to bring you back.

Phillip: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Aurora?!

Aladdin: Let me explain… No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Aurora is marrying Kuzco in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape… after I kill Captain Hook.

Phillip: That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying.

He is watching his fingers, one of which twitches now.

Hercules: You've just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful.

Phillip: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?

Aladdin: There is but one working at the castle gate.

Hercules helps Aladdin raise Phillip just high enough so he can see for himself.

Aladdin: And it is guarded by sixty Huns, several hyenas, and one Hydra.

Phillip: And our assets?

Aladdin: Your brains, Hercules's strength, my steel.

Phillip: That's it? Impossible! If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...

He shakes his head from side to side.

Hercules: You just shook your head -- that doesn't make you happy?

Phillip: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men and two monsters, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow that would be something.

Aladdin: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Mad Hatter had?

Hercules: Over the Mad Hatter, I think.

Mad Hatter: (groans off-screen) Owww…

Phillip: Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.

Aladdin: There we cannot help you.

Hercules suddenly pulls one out like a magician.

Hercules: Will this do?

Aladdin: What the Disney mustache?! Where did you get that?

Merlin: At Miracle Merlin's. It fit so nice; he said I could keep it.

Aladdin: That sounds a bit random.

Phillip: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. (They do) Now, I'll need a sword eventually.

Aladdin: Why? You can't even lift one.

Phillip: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? (And his head tilts limply back. Herc sets it up right for him) Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside.

Aladdin: I'll say. How do I find the Hook? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?

Hercules: (sharply) Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.

Aladdin: Right, right, sorry.

Hercules: Aladdin.

Aladdin: What?

Hercules: I hope we win...

Jack Sparrow: And now, on to the next scene! But first, let me share a tender moment with my darling rum.

With a cheerful smile, he holds a new bottle to his face and rubs like he would do to a purring cat.

Ariel: He's scaring me.

Yen Sid: Let's hope Isla regains her consciousness.

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