Author's Note – Some ideas bouncing around in my head lately… they seemed to fit well with Kyo.
Disclaimer – Sadly, Fruits Basket and all its characters belong to Natsuki Takaya.
Why can't I get it together?
I stop and close my eyes for a moment, letting the emotions wash over me. The setting sun glares at me even through my eyelids, creating blue and green spots that swim across my vision when I open them once more. A car zooms past, the driver glancing my way, confused about my sudden halt, leaving exhaust and dust in its wake to make my eyes and nose sting.
My legs ache with every step, and holding my head upright takes effort. I let it hang and stare down at my feet. Normally my spars with Shishou and the others leave me feeling energized and truly alive, but today it sunk to the level of spending time with Yuki. I felt like I was moving through syrup, every reaction slower than usual, my strength and endurance lessened... I know bruises will appear tomorrow, blue-black and purple, from all the times I couldn't seem to pay attention...
What's happened to me?
Worse was seeing Kagura. I used to avoid her, even at the dojo, but I've learned it's useless. I feel guilty running away from her and denying the happiness it brings her to see me... but today I saw something in her eyes I hadn't before, a flash of sadness or regret, a look I couldn't shake off. Was I imagining things? I used to envy her conviction, her capability to put her whole heart into everything, but I don't know anymore. Did something happen? As usual, I'm too cowardly to ask.
I sigh, and look up to find myself at Shigure's house. Somehow I still refuse to call it my home.
"Oh, is that you Kyo-kun? Dinner's ready." Tohru's face lights up in a smile as I come in. Yuki and Shigure materialize at the word 'dinner' and suddenly life seems even worse.
It's well past midnight and I can't sleep. There's school tomorrow but it's not like that's any cause for concern. My feet lead me to the roof. I haven't been there in a while, and I'd almost forgotten the soft light of the stars and nearly-full moon.
I perch near the edge, contemplating the slice of air between the roof and empty space. What would it feel like to fall? Or maybe, am I already falling in my own way, spiraling down to earth from what was merely a dream? I believed in that dream, idiotic as it is now. How stupid of me, to think even for a moment that things would turn out alright. I'm the cat, after all. Nothing will ever be right for me.
They're stupid, selfish thoughts but they bring comfort. I allow the hatred to overpower me, of the rat and Akito and especially of myself - the creature inside of me that I can never accept, the curse that makes my life torture, and the things I can't blame on the spirit of the cat but do anyway... weakness, cowardice, and childish longings I should know by now are only dreams to wake from with the pain of impact from my fall.
What did I do to deserve this? Knowing your dreams will never come true, that you will always be hated, inadequate, and rejected...
This last word touches a nerve, and I flinch as its truth registers. I'm the cat, fated to never love or be loved... an emptiness that can never be filled.
Maybe love is like salt. When you don't have enough, you begin to crave it - your body's defense from dying. If what's missing isn't replenished, against your will you'll lose water and minerals as your body struggles to maintain a balance. Maybe through this basic lack other things are starting to disappear...
I feel like breaking something - maybe the door - but the thought of Shigure's complaints stops me.
I'm so pathetic, but I wonder if, in my shoes, anyone else would do any better. How can you live in a dream knowing you'll wake up? Someone stronger might enjoy it all the more for the experience of the impossible... someone like her would, I know. Maybe this difference is what makes her the missing part of me that I need with all my heart...
But what if that hole is too large to be filled?
It's my curse, after all... but why must I always fall instead of fly? Is my fate really so limited?
I hear footsteps, tense, and spring to my feet. She appears out of the darkness, struggling to conceal a yawn.
"Kyo-kun, you can't sleep?"
I shake my head, willing my heart not to beat so loudly. I can hear it echoing through the night.
"Are you alright?"
I watch her face, pure concern, and know what I need to tell her. "I'll be fine."
If the dream could be real, it might even be true someday.