Ninja Academy. Part 5- Lessons From A Legend, Tales Of A Sorceror.
The students of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy are on their break from training. KTV head of crew Andy Bogard is busy in Taki's office, fixing one of the cameras. Mai is with him, both excited and annoyed at having the object of her affections here in the camp.
Mai- Why did you have to turn up? Signing up for this is my thing, MINE! I came here to get over my infatuation with you. (in her mind) Oh, I hope I wasn't too harsh on Andy baby.
Andy- I, uh, I don't know what you mean, infatuation? Heh heh. (blushes, traffic light red) I'm only fixing cameras for your show.
Taki- Since you're both here together, it'd be really interesting to have you two together for a session...
Mai- NO WAY! Andy's MINE! And I'm not sharing him, so get the ideas of threesomes out of your head!
Taki- Not a threesome, you sex crazed bimbo. A therapy session, discussing your emotons and all that crap.
Andy- Don't you call Mai a sex crazed bimbo! This isn't "KOF S(h)itcom Hell"! God I hate that show.
Outside of the office, Kyo, Fuuma and Ibuki are eavesdropping, peering through the small door window. They cannot hear every word that is said, or see them clearly, so have jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Fuuma- They're gonna have a threesome! I've gotta see this, maybe they'll let me join in and...
Kyo- Some guys get all the luck. How does he do it, he's boring? And now he has both Mai AND Taki.
Ibuki- Hang on, they're sitting down. I'm not sure, but I don't think you can do it while sitting on a chair with your clothes on. Is it possible?
Inside, Taki has Mai and Andy seated in front of her. She will now begin an impromtu therapy session to find out what makes these two tick, particularly Andy. It is obvious to everyone who knows him that he is crazy in love with Mai, despite his half hearted denials.
Taki- What I don't understand about you Andy is why you don't just admit that you love Mai. It's obvious just looking at you, blushing and struggling to speak any time she's around.
Mai- You mean he likes me? Then why do you pretend to ignore me, and act all scared when I ask you to come on a date, or perform a striptease in front of you for no reason? What about my three year love letter campaign?
Andy- You wrote those! How? They were all signed by Athena! They were all spelt correctly, you suck at spelling. No wonder Athena got all confused when I hit on her all those times.
Mai- I signed them in her name, and had King help me with spelling... And when exactly did you hit on Athena? Why have cheeseburger, when you can have steak, steak being me of course. Not literally. I mean, what about that Maki girl you went with one time? What was that about?
Andy- Uhh, I didn't think you knew about that. I really thought it was you at the time. It was the same time you were experimenting with a blonde dye job.
Mai- Don't remind me about my blonde moment, please. You should have known that red kunoichi outfits look far nicer on my perfectly formed body than on that tomboy.
Andy- It's an easy mistake to make. But how do you explain the time when, after a night that made the Kama Sutra look like Sesame Street, you turned into an evil, soul stealing, shapeshifting, male Oriental sorceror?
Both Mai and Taki burst out laughing at this idea. Mai then tries to remember whether she's ever been an evil, soul stealing, shapeshifting, male Oriental sorceror, but realises she hasn't. Taki catches on to what happened to Andy, having once had a similar experience, only Mai wasn't involved with hers.
Taki- Andy, that was Shang Tsung. Morphing sorceror and tabloid favourite. His hobby is to transform into someone's greatest fantasy, and next morning reveal his true self as the press catch you at it.
Andy- Shang Tsung, EWWWW! YUCK! I'm gonna go disinfect myself now. Then I've gotta try and get him out of my head... OWW! What the hell? Mai, why are you hitting me... ARGH! STOP!
Mai- (hitting Andy's skull repeatedly with a heavy book) Get out of my precious Andy's head you foul man! Don't you worry Andy my love, I'm gonna drive the Shang Man outta your pretty head...
Taki- Mai, he's not sitting in there literally you know. Calm down.
Mai- Oh right... I just beat up my Andy! WAAH! Hey, but Andy was thinking it was me the whole time. That means I'm his ultimate fantasy! HOORAY... (is surprised to see Guy in the office) HUH? Oh, hi Guy. You look nice today.
Guy has never liked Andy being involved with the academy, especially coming back. He was potentially getting somewhere with Mai, who he has fallen hard for. Mai herself is divided between these two. The idiots listening in outside had told him they were engaged in a threesome, and he felt it was time now to put a stop to what he thought was their seduction of Mai.
Guy- You make me sick Andy. You ignore Mai for years, then turn up and fucking seduce both her AND Taki. I gave Mai attention and only wanted her, and you...
Andy, Mai, Taki- WHAT?
Mai- I'm not Shang Tsung, I swear! (Guy looks scared and confused) Wait, you weren't talking about that were you Guy. Forget you heard that please.
Guy- You mean you weren't... I'm gonna kill Fuuma! He said you were having a threesome.
Taki- You're not going to kill Fuuma, because I am! Is there anything else you want Guy?
Guy- Uh, sorry. But, since I'm here, and freaked out by the idea of you in a threesome, with one of you possibly being Shang Tsung, can I have some therapy too?
Mai- (in her mind) Aww, now I'm all confused. Torn between two stud muffins who obviously worship me. My brain hurts now, this isn't fair. If the Mormons weren't so boring, I'd join up then morally I could have both Andy and Guy. Wait, is it Mormons?
The whole session has now become a lot more complex. Taki can tell Mai and Guy have developed feelings for each other since joining the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy. Outside, the eavesdropping continues, and they have still totally missed the point. Other students have come to join and see what's going on.
Fuuma- Shit! Now they let Guy join in, this isn't fair. It's an orgy now.
Ibuki- I'm not sure it is sex you know. I've never done it, but there was no sitting down fully dressed involved when I saw Kurenai in the dorms last night with Billy Kane, Benimaru Nikaido, Christie Monteiro and an evil, soul stealing, shapeshifting, male Oriental sorceror.
Kurenai- (whispers) What do you know about last night Ibuki! If you know ANYTHING, can you please tell me, 'cause I don't remember inviting Shang Tsung along. Who did he originally come as?
Strider- I think that's really disgusting Kurenai, in your dorm as well...
Kurenai- Strider, seriously. I'm not in the mood for a fucking moral lecture.
Strider- I mean, how selfish can you get, inviting Christie Monteiro here for an orgy, and not letting me join in! I'm crazy about the booty shakin' Brazillian, you knew that.
Kyo- I suggested getting another girl, Athena, involved to Yuki a few times, and she went berserk! Prude.
Yuki- I heard that, boy! And you weren't exactly responsive to my idea of letting Iori join in.
Hanzo- WHAT are you freaks of nature doing? break time for you is OVER! It ended 0.001 of a minute ago! NOW BACK TO WORK! You have a special seminar to attend, GO! GO! GO!
Raven- But sir, it's getting good. Listen, they're talking about threesomes, then Guy came in and...
Hanzo- I have been listening. True ninja warriors eavesdrop undetected, with the aid of ancient skills, and modern bugging devices. It's really not what you guys are thinking. Anyway, move along, nothing to see here. We'd better leave them in with her, KTV viewers love the therapy sessions.
Raven- Awwww... You've ruined the fantasy now.
Hanzo- By the way, can anyone explain why four half dressed figures of seen climbing out of the girls dorm window at five AM? One female, two male, and the other seemed to change between both genders.
Kurenai- (looking guilty) Uh, Perhaps they were obsessed fans of our TV show sir, looking to get autographs. Anyway, we'd best be going now.
A little later, most of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy's students are seated in the main hall, for a special seminar. Legendary ninja veteran Joe Musashi, star of Sega's rock hard Shinobi series is here to give a presentation, both for the students and the viewing public's benefit. He hasn't even started yet, and already reluctant student and "Ninja Academy" host Kyo Kusanagi is confused.
Kyo- Wait, where's Joe Higashi? Who's the old fart in white? He don't look like a goofy mooning muay thai champ. That is not the guy who kicked my arse in the last tournament, purely 'cause I was ill, you know.
Ibuki- You retard, it's Joe Musashi. The Shinobi ninja who used to blow himself up. The guy who destroyed the Neo Zeed organisation.
Eiji- Why would Joe Higashi come here. He has about as much connection to ninjitsu as I do to the Phsyco Soldiers team.
Raven- What, you mean Joe Higashi once attacked a ninjitsu camp, and left it's students half dead?
Eiji- Oh yeah, completely forgot about what I did to Athena's crew. That's that comparison knackered then... Hope Stryker doesn't watch this. The cops didn't get me for that one.
Hanzo- SILENCE! That's enough about stupid kickboxers! Now is the time to learn the secrets of ninjitsu! And we have a very distinguished guest with us today. Here to share with you some knowledge from his years of experience, show all due respect to Mr Joe Musashi!
The audience all cheer and clap, as the Shinobi legend takes centre stage. Kyo carefully hides his "Death to Joe" shirt he put beforehand on beleiving Mr Higashi to be the guest. Behind Mr Musashi, is a large TV screen, where video footage of his career will be shown at certain points.
Joe Musashi- Good morning ladies, gentlemen and any other species we may have here. What a great looking group of legendary ninjas in the making we have here. (pointing at Kyo) Except that guy, not sure about him. (class laughs) I'll also be taking your questions, of which I'm sure you have many.
Galford- I got a question Joe sir, can I call you Joe? Anyway, how did you end up fighting Spiderman, Godzilla and a poor imitation of Batman?
Joe Musashi- It was promotional thing, an effort by Neo Zeed to appeal to wannabe criminals around the world by hiring them. That Bat Monster thing was brought in last minute after the real Batman pulled out. He thought he'd be the main star. This is before the days of crossover games, you understand.
Galford- But why in the Western versions was Godzilla changed to a crappy no name skeleton dinosaur?
Joe Musashi- They didn't think anyone in the West would appreciate the Big G's appearance. Probably thought you were all too stupid to know who he was
Shiki- Me next sir. The Russian dancing crawl thingie you used to do. What was that all about?
Joe Musashi- Not only was that a useful manouveur to escape harm and crawl though small spaces, but it also proved very useful in combat. So illogical is performing a Cossack dance in the middle of battle for no reason, that the enemies mind simply blanks it out, making you invisible to them.
Shiki- In what way? Prove it, show us.
A video is shown of Joe Mushashi battling self proclaimed bandit king and semi regular botherer of our students Mavado. The Mad Max tribute act saw the ageing veteran as an easy target, until the Russian dancing began. The sight of a white uniformed ninja doing this leaves him staring blankly in confusion, with no idea how to react. Joe is going at the Cossack crawl move non stop.
Mavado- What's going on. Why's the senile old fart dancing? Is this like that crusty old Sega Michael Jackson game, and I'm meant to join in before exploding? Would someone please explain this situation to me, preferably using simple words and nothing too technical.
Joe Musashi- Ah ha, you see my ancient ninja Russian dance trick. You're tiny criminal mind is completely flummoxed, you have no idea what is going on, do you boy. Oh yes, I can still show you young 'uns a thing or two. Your hookswords and bungee things are no match for me. Ha ha!
Mavado- Screw this, I can't handle this right now, I'm going home. Just my luck that today all my potential victims have been lunatics? It's no fun mugging crazies. At least when Christie Montiero started dancing, I could happily watch for hours. Especially when she accidentally burst out of her bra while spinning about.
In the audience, our students remain unconvinced about the benefits of mid battle Cossack dancing.
Eiji- That was complete shit! You got lucky that one time sir. I think I'll pass on learning that particular skill... ARGH!
Kurenai- That was kinda stupid. But then I suppose an old geezer like you can't distract people by seduction like I do... OWW!
Strider- Next time anyone sees Mavado, could they ask him if he got the Christie wardrobe malfunction moment on film? Let it be known that I will pay good money to own a copy.
Both hecklers, and Strider get a shuriken thrown at them courtesy of Joe Musashi, which shuts them up. Another question now from Fuuma gets things moving again.
Fuuma- Joe, do you know Hibana from Nightshade. You're both being Sega ninjas. Do you think you could hook me up with her, I love that skintight spandex she wears, really enhances the shape of her... OWW!
Joe Musashi- Eat shuriken, freak! How dare you think that about my daughter!
Fuuma- Your daughter? No way, she's far too sexy to be related to you... OWWIIEE! Not again...
An hour or so after the seminar finishes, the students are taken to a special building owned by the academy. It is an old disused twenty floor tower block, crumbling, surrounded by garbage and smelling suspiciously of piss. The building is quite high, and rather inconveniently, the lift is broken and the staircase has fallen apart too. This is intentional for their next lesson, as they stand at the bottom of the empty staircase.
Hanzo- Okay you clowns! I apologise in advance for the smell, it was like this when I bought it. As you can see, the staircase is non existant, and the lift is busted. You're task is to reach the top of the building...
Scorpion- That's easy! (throws his harpoon upwards, grappling hook style, but it is cut by Joe Musashi) WHAT THE FUCK? I'm so gonna...
Joe Musashi- As Hanzo was about to say, you must use the wall spring technique to get up there. Observe.
With seemingly no effort, the ageing ninja legend leaps up, pushing himself from one wall of the staircase to the other. He keeps this up until he successfully reaches the top of the building. What he doesn't tell anyone is that, due to not being as young as he used to be, his back now really hurts.
Guy- You have gotta be kidding me. He's old, and he's putting us to shame.
Hanzo- If an old geezer like him can do it, then you have no excuse do you. Now fucking move! And NO teleporting!
Yuki- But it's really high, and the pissy smell is distracting.
Raven- Mai should be good at this, her body's soft and bouncy... OWW! (Andy smacks him)
Kyo is first to try, but fails at the first jump, and falls on his face. Next up, Ibuki smacks her head against the wall after misjudging her jump. Shiki is making progress until she notices Fuuma looking up her skirt, causing her to "accidentally" jump feet first on top of him. Other students follow suit, failing the jump, and before long there is a heap of fallen students in varying degrees of pain lying in a pile on top of one another.
Galford- I can't feel my legs! How am I supposed to jump now?
Fuuma- Oww, I think I broke something... hey, at least my head's in a soft place. Who's boobs are these? Whoever these breasts belong to, could they please not get up for a while longer.
Kurenai- Eww, get off! Oh Fuuma, did I ever tell you that I'm not actually Kurenai. I am in fact Shang Tsung in disguise? I'm just morphed into a cute, sexy ninja girl to steal your soul.
Fuuma- What, Shang Tsung? AIIIIIEEEEE! It's him, he's coming back to steal my soul! Run for your lives everyone, Kurenai's an evil, shapeshifting, soul stealing male Oriental sorecror! AAAAHH! Why is it that whenever I meet a nice girl I actually have a chance with, she turns out to be the Shang Man! (runs off)
Hanzo- I don't see much wall leaping going on! MOVE IT!
The students all make further attempts to scale the building using only wall springing techniques. This time, they are learning from past mistakes, and making real progress with the task. Eventually, most of the students have made it up to the top, though a hatch to the roof where Joe Musashi awaits them. Only Fuuma is still down at the bottom, shivering in fear, curled up into a little ball.
Hanzo- FUUMA! What is your malfunction boy... Wait, don't answer that, we could fill a phone book with your malfunctions. Why aren't you up on that roof? Even Kyo made it after thirty eight failed attempts!
Fuuma- I'm not scared of the jump, but Shang Tsung's up there, waiting for me sir. He's disguised as a girl, and looking to steal my soul. I only narrowly escaped him before when he seduced me disguised as Cammy.
Hanzo- Too much information there kid. I'll book you a session with Taki when we get back.
Back on the Shang Tsung free rooftop, the students are shocked to discover their next task. Demonstrated by the Shinobi, they must leap from the rooftop onto another one opposite them, with about a hundred feet distance. Joe Musashi makes it easily, which does nothing to ease the nerves of the watching students. After all, they are twenty stories high.
Shiki- Did you see the old guy jump? Is he suicidal? That drop would kill us. Who's going first?
Joe Musashi- Come on you wusses! Jump you big girls blouses! Honestly, if an old man like me can do it... (whispers) Ooh, there goes my knees.
Raven- How about you go first Scorpion. You've died before, it's OK for you, you're undead.
Scorpion- Why don't you go first? It's only fair that you get to experience death at least once in your life. You might even get lucky and join the afterlife VIP club.
Strider- The afterlife VIP club? What's that?
Galford- You've never heard of it. It's an exclusive, members only club of fighters who have repeatedly died and come back to life as normal. Right now, it consists of Geese Howard, Charlie and Johnny Cage.
Kyo- You bunch of sissies? I'll show you how it's done. Watch the master at work here.
Eiji- Yeah, Kyo should go, I mean, it's only you for fuck's sake. Who's gonna care if you die?
Confidently, Kyo struts to the edge of the rooftop, playing it up for the watching cameras. So caught up is he in the showing off, he takes a step too far and plummets seemingly to his doom. Unlike old cartoons, there is no walking on the air back to the roof, so he falls screaming, until at the last second, Fuuma leaps up high into the air to catch his buddy before he hits the ground.
Fuuma- Gotcha! Did you guys see me make the save, who da man, Fuuma da man! Whoah... OWW! (falls onto the ground, squashed by Kyo) Kyo, you could really stand to lose a few pounds. I'm telling Yuki to start your diet again.
Kyo- Aww man... (sees the students on the roof laughing at him) Rescued by Fuuma, and back on the lettuce and cracker diet.
Back on the roof, Andy is next to try the jump. He too fails, but manages to hang onto a ledge, saving himself from death. Like an expert acrobat, Mai lowers herself down, using the long skirt bit of her outfit as a grappling hook, and the others pull them up. Ibuki is next, and perhaps as a result of being the smallest ninja student, suceeds in making the leap to the other side, where Joe Musashi sits on a comfy armchair waiting for them. The Shinobi legend has coffee, cakes and a copy of Retro Gamer magazine.
Strider- YAY! Go Ibuki! We can do this gang, we'll show the Shinobi man we're worthy of being great ninjas!
Strider is next to attempt the leap. He too makes it, but not due to his fancy futuristic technology. Instead, his long scarf was opened out, and he floated through the wind. Their confidence is now growing, with friends having completed the task, and they are far more eager to jump. Through ninja skill, unrivalled agility, and perhaps more than a little luck, they eventually all make the stupidly long jump. Even Kyo and Fuuma gather their wits and come back for another go. Soon, all students are gathered on the roof of the other building, where both Hanzo and Joe Musashi await them.
Hanzo- Congratulations, another task completed. You learned much about ninja agility and more importantly, to never be afraid. Even in the face of certain death, ninjas must be calm and cool, never. Big wussies do not last long in the dangerous world of a heroic ninja warrior.
Andy- You know, strictly I'm here as KTV staff. But this class has been so cool, I'm kinda thinking of joining you guys. This could be my way out of Terry Bogard's shadow, to make people stop thinking of the Lonely Wolves as Terry, and that other guy.
Guy- You can't join, you're a karate man, with I admit, some small knowledge of ninjitsu. You can't cut it with us though.
Fuuma- Yeah, what he said. Plus you being here wrecks my chances with Mai. You turn up with your stupid award winning hair...
Andy- What are you talking about? You never had a chance with Mai. You're a borderline Shotoclone loser.
Mai- YAY! Andy's here, everything's right with the world! We're gonna... Hey wait? Aren't I supposed to be moving on and forgetting my hopeless crush on you... BOO HOO! I'm so confused!
Guy- See what you've done to her now? I hope you feel really guilty now Andy. I hope it's eating up inside of you, that YOU upset Mai. That YOU made her cry, that YOU are worse than Rugal.
Andy- I... I didn't mean... Are you OK Mai? I'm sorry...
A guilt ridden Andy is accepted into the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy, and the students head back to the camp. How will the permanent addition of "Nicest Beat Em Up Hair 1992" winner cope with life in the camp, and the situation with Mai. What is next in store for the students of Ninja Academy? Will they graduate and become legendary ninja heroes? Tune in next episode, but now it's the Notes which everyone ignores.
Note- Thanks to Jamal/Ninjitsuwolf for the idea of having Joe Musahsi give a seminar. Did anyone else think his crawl move looked like a Russian dance, or is it just me? He really did fight Spiderman and Godzilla as bosses in Revenge of Shinobi on the Megadrive (Genesis to any Yanks). There is no connection between him and Nightshade's Hibana, other than both being Sega characters.
I'd like to apologise to anybody grossed out by suggestions of what Shang Tsung has been getting up to. Using his morphing powers for perverted means... EWW! I do not offer therapy for anyone who has been affected by this.