Ninja Academy Part 6- The Deeds of Exorcists R Us
That night, after midnight, there were students in the dorms awaiting to watch a tape that Kurenai went to get from her room. The Red Ninja said something about it having footage that can save several lives... Or so she says. She's been searching for the said tape for minutes now.
Yuki: Man, Kurenai sure has been gone for a while. I wonder what's taking her so long to find that tape?
Kyo: Bugger. She's probably out trying to seduce another man. And if I see a slip of her black thong again, I'm going to scream. She know better than to wear such a small kimono in front of me.
Yuki: Kyo don't front. You like shit like that.
Kyo: Uh... I only like it when you wear stuff like she does.
Raven: I'm not complaining. At least it's better than seeing schoolgirls wearing tighty-whiteys underwear. (Shudders) How can something so innocent can be so mischievously alluring?
Ibuki: Thank god I'm not a stereotypical private schoolgirl. I'm glad that I attended a public school.
Yuki: HEY!
Ibuki: Sorry Yuki, but lets be honest; didn't you ever felt funny wearing your small school uniform?
Yuki: Yeah, sometimes I do. But wearing long socks sort of help that strange feeling. I used to wear leggings to put away that creepy feeling of nudity and embarrassment when on the school grounds.
Kyo: Heh. You had such cute chicken legs back then, Yuki.
Yuki: (blushes) Thank you, you pervert...
Kyo: Don't mention it.
Kurenai: Hey guys, I finally found the tape.
Mai: It's about time.
Kyo: So what's on that tape that we all need to know, you dangerous whore? OWW! (Yuki slaps him)
Yuki: Leave my friend alone.
Kurenai: Thanks, Yuki. And for you information Kyo, I'm not a whore, I'm sexually liberated.
Mai: Amen to that! I'm glad you said that, now it'll keep those blueball perverts from thinking that I'm that type of girl.
Galford: So what's on the tape, Red?
Fuuma: Isn't it Samurai Champloo episodes? Or maybe American mobster movies?... Or is it hidden footage of Karin Kanzuki playing with her 'toys'?
Mai: Will you shut the hell up! Almost every time you mention something it has to be sexually suggestive.
Fuuma: Right, and every look you give me is sexually suggestive as well.
Mai: Ooh! That was a dirty blow.
Eiji: Well, I just hope that it isn't a pre-recorded lecture from old man Joe. I'm still pissed that he can outdo us.
Shiki: What's on that tape anyway? You said it has advice that can save lives right? I have one for you; never be a servant/puppet of Yuga. (Shudders) Such terrible memories.
Scorpion: Would you hurry it up wench? I have to go back and rot in hell in a few, you know?
Kurenai: Okay, okay... jeez! Don't have an undead baby on me... (Puts the videotape in the tape player). Now sit back and watch the footage. It is very helpful. Then men should especially pay attention to this video.
Galford: I have a funny feeling that this tape has some tips on encountering ferocious bears. And lemme tell you the 'Play Dead Ploy' never works. Just ask Nakoruru... that bear beat the bricks out of her.
On the TV set, Tiffany Lords and buffed Pro Wrestling crazy chick, Rainbow Mika appeared on screen. Apparently they were in a motel room of some sort and the two Capcom bimbos looked very excited for some reason.
Raven: Hey, isn't R. Mika the chick that tried to hook up with Zangief one time? Man, what a waste of body, because I heard the Red Cyclone could be gay.
Fuuma: I knew it! It's a dyke flick! Oww! (Gets bonked on the side of his head by Shiki).
Shiki: Everything is not what it seems, you dolt!
Strider: Those chicks are excited about something. I see two bottles of Vodka on the desk near the bed.
Tiffany (TV): Tonight's presentation shall be, like, a really special one. Men should, like, be really delighted to know about this. I mean, duh, it's especially helpful when you're about to get it on with your partner.
All men: YES! LESBO ACTION!
All women, except Kurenai: HOW COULD YOU? THAT'S GROSS!
Kurenai: No! It's not like that. Keep watching. There's no riding in the wrong lane going on.
R. Mika (TV): Yes, on this program, we're going to show you how to protect and prevent yourselves from STD's.
All men: HUH?
Tiffany (TV): Come on in, Mr. Khan.
Shortly after the brainless, top-heavy girl's command, the legendary and feared emperor out OutWorld, Shao Khan enters the room. R. Mika applauds enthusiastically and Tiffany fishes out a Magnum Condom from her cleavage.
Tiffany: Now Mr. Khan, show the generous male viewers of the world how to put on a condom... properly.
Shao Khan: EXCELLENT! (Gets condom from Tiffany and steps in the bathroom).
Funny... for some strange reason, Michael Jackson's classic single, 'Beat It!' starts playing when he's in the bathroom. Strange noises that sounds suspiciously like grunts came from the bathroom.
R. Mika: Excuse him for a moment, this may take a while.
Eiji: What the fuck is going on?
Guy: This is not cool.
Kyo: What the hell is this? (Looks at Yuki and is surprised to see that she was now REALLY interested in the video). HEY! Yuki, don't tell me you're into shit like this.
Yuki: Shh... Khan's about to come out.
Raven: Oh man, he's screaming like there isn't anyone around.
Scorpion: No, it's more than that. He's screaming as if the hounds of Hell are after him. Trust me, when those mutts gets a hold of your nuts it hurts like a bitch.
Mai: This is getting good. Hey Kurenai, this IS some useful info.
Shiki: Hey look, Khan's coming out.
Back to the video, Khan has come back out of the bathroom... finished with his business. Tiffany and R. Mika applauds him.
Shao Khan: FLAWLESS... VICTORY!
Tiffany: That's what it takes to protect yourselves, fellas. This was a quick, and like, valuable lesson. (Looks at Khan's midsection) My, my, aren't you a healthy man? You sure are happy to be around us.
R. Mika: Just for that, Mr. Khan, what do you think of all other men's anatomy.
Khan: WEAK PATHETIC FOOLS!
Kyo: ARGH! I can't take this anymore! (Blasts the TV with his flames). That was downright disgusting!
Galford: You're damn right about that.
Shiki: My... no wonder he has over twenty wives. (Blushes)
Yuki: You guys hated it because you cannot even compare to Khan. (Fans face). No wonder he's an emperor.
Ibuki: (whistles approvingly) Astonishing.
Mai: And this is what I've been missing out on? Damn, gotta stop chasing Andy all the time.
Guy: You can chase me then.
Mai: Oh... don't kid around like that. (Blushes)
Guy: No, I was serious. Damn! (Snaps fingers in defeat)
Kurenai: Okay guys, what have we learned from the video?
All males: THAT SHAO KHAN DESERVES TO BE DEAD!
Yuki: That guy has the biggest dick I've ever seen! (Gets smacked on the back of her head, for once, by Kyo). OUCH! Besides yours, Kyo darling. (Whispering) Not...
Galford: Well that was disturbing. I'm heading for bed. I have to be 100 for whatever Hanzo's has in store for us tomorrow.
Shiki: Goodnight, Galford.
Scorpion: Well, I'm off back to Hades. Hitler and the Hussein brothers are going to haunt a lone blue planet in a galaxy far far away that's inhabited by 10 feet Amazon women. (Disappears).
Ibuki: Goodnight everyone! Rest good so we can overcome the storm tomorrow.
Everyone: YEAH! (They all left the lobby).
The next day, the students are once again rudely awakened by the sounds of blaring bagpipes. Because it was actually their fault for staying up late, they are all pissed because they had 'a few minutes of sleep' last night. For some reason, Hanzo seems highly euphoric today. Because today is very stormy.
Raven: Damn Ibuki, you just had to mention that storm metaphor last night.
Ibuki: (Laughs nervously) My bad...
Mai: I just hope that my clothes won't shrink on me again because of all this rain.
Fuuma: If it does, I'll be sure to be around with a camera when it happens.
Hanzo: Alright you good for nothing slugs--
Yuki: EWW! Slugs? Where?
Hanzo: Damn it! Stand attention, girl!
Andy: Can we stay inside until the storm passes. My award winning hair is getting messed up.
Shiki: Yes, I agree, I'm afraid of thunder.
Hanzo: No can do, folks! That's the beauty of it! Today is special. Because the storm is predicted to last the entire day, you clowns gets a special survival session.
All the students: Aw man!
Hanzo: Don't 'Aw man!' me. This is gonna be fun! You guys are off limits to the camp for the remaining of today and all of you most survive in the wilderness... while it's pouring rain! If you need anything, like food or water, head to the nearest town and get some then. But you cannot return here until 5:45 tomorrow morning. Got that?
Everyone: Yes sir...
Hanzo: That's the spirit! Now haul ass!
The students runs off, initiating themselves for today's ordeal. Shortly after their departure, Taki shows up and she felt sort of concern for the students well-being. Hanzo remains cold and stern.
Taki: Well, are you sure that all of them will return?
Hanzo: Hmm, I can't be certain. Those guys got issues. I have a feeling one or two of them may quit and run away like scared schoolgirls.
Taki: That's not of any concern, Hanzo. What if any one of does not survive all this?
Hanzo: Hopefully they do the same thing what Rugal Bernstein or Geese Howard would do...
Taki: And that would be?
Hanzo: They better not go into that light.
About a hour and several inches of rain later, a black truck was stranded in the middle of the woods. The truck had the logo 'Exorcists R Us' on both sides. It was still raining cats and dogs and the three occupants of the vehicle were not to please with their predicament. The Yata maiden, Chizuru Kagura, cute psychic kung fu girl/musician, Athena Asamiya, and sultry ninja woman, Sheena Fujibayashi are just plain having a bad day.
Sheena: You got to be kidding me! Don't tell me that we're stranded in the middle of nowhere and it's raining like the sky's falling!
Chizuru: This is just great. I bet it's the starter again.
Athena: Don't look at me. I don't know nothing about repairing automobile parts.
Sheena: Me neither! We're stranded and we'll never get to inspect Heihachi Mishima's mansion.
Chizuru: Well, I don't want to sit inside this hot ass truck for hours and hours until someone decides to help us. I'm going to check out what's wrong with my truck. (Gets and umbrella and mallet).
Sheena: Yeah, you're just about right for the job, Chizuru. I bet that you was a straight A student when you took up auto mechanics in high school.
Athena: Yeah, I'd heard of that too.
Chizuru: (blushes guiltily) Uh, those classes were fun to me. Great hands on training. Besides, I was the only girl in the entire class to take it.
Athena: I thought that you was the only girl in the entire school that took that class.
Chizuru: Uh, let's just forget about that. I'm going to check under the hood. Athena, why won't you just go up the road and be on the lookout for travelers.
Athena: Why me?
Chizuru: Because, for some strange reason, men are willing to lend a helping hand once they spot you.
Sheena: I don't see how. It must be the giddy superstar look.
Athena: I guess that I don't have any choice. (Muttering) Jealous hussies.
Further up the road, Kyo and Galford were jogging through the forest. Both ninjas were tired, soaked, and pissed off about today's trails. They stop for a moment in order to catch their breaths.
Galford: Damn I'm beat. All this running isn't necessary... and I'm a ninja.
Poppy: Woof! Woof!
Kyo: Whatever. If anything, this task is nothing but bullshit. I mean, what can we achieve by running in stormy weather like idiots, anyway?
Galford: Beats me. (Hears bushes shuffling) Hold on, something's up.
Kyo: Aw man! It better not be Mavado and his crew. I don't have time for them today!
Poppy: Grr!
Guy: Hey, don't shoot. It's only me. I was back there just taking a leak.
Kyo: You almost gotten jumped on, man.
Galford: Yeah, I bet it'll be better than being out in the rain for the remaining of today.
Guy: So where do you guys think is the direction of the nearest town? I'm thirstier than a damn Russian race horse.
Kyo: I dunno. It's a good idea. We can stay at a motel and look for some chicks to come lay with us.
Galford: Well speaking of chicks, there's one now. She definitely shouldn't be walking all by herself in the middle of nowhere...
Guy & Kyo: Where?
Down the highway, was Athena herself. She has an umbrella and she tries to catch the attention of a driver in a red Nissan by pulling her already short skirt up a bit (like chick hitchhikers). Unfortunately for her, the driver was Ash Crimson.
Athena: Aw man! That was the most effective trick in the book. Who could resist little ol me? (Notices three ninjas approaching her) AAIIEE! Ninjas! Don't come any closer! Please go away!
Due to several bad luck and incidents with ninjas in the past (especially the time when Eiji attacked her and her friends), Athena had developed a strong fear of ninjas. She stands stark still, literally shaking in her boots.
Athena: Don't hurt me!
Galford: Don't fret, kid. We're not going to hurt you.
Guy: We have no intentions of doing that... not hurting you, of course.
Athena: Oh really? (Notices Kyo) Kyo, is that you? Long time no see! You look really cute in your ninja outfit.
Kyo: Heh heh... not as good as your outfits in 96, 98, and 2002. Especially in those tight miniskirts when you were mayor of Osaka.
Athena: (confused) What was that?
Kyo: Uh, nothing. Anyway, what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?
Athena: Oh that... well after my term of Mayor was over, I saw an ad in the papers for Exorcists R Us. They are looking for youths that have extraordinary powers that could be helpful in sensing evil spirits lurking about. Even though it's weird, it pays well.
Guy: Interesting. You're stranded huh?
Athena: Yes I am. Our truck broke down further down the road. Chizuru said something about the starter could be the problem.
Kyo: Chizuru? That potentially sexy but terribly Plane Jane clothes wearing sorceress that hosted KOF 96 and 2003? The one who both Iori and I tried to get into years ago?
Athena: Uh... if you say so. (In her mind) What the hell does he see in her?
Galford: So you said it's the starter huh? Maybe we'll give you a helping hand.
Athena: Thanks, follow me.
Guy: Sure will. (Thinking) Nice ass.
Athena: I've heard that! (Points at her head)
Guy: Oops!
Back at the broken down truck...
Chizuru: I think I'm doing more damage to this truck than helping it.
Sheena: (Still inside the truck) You just not noticing that?
Chizuru: Quiet you.
Athena: Guys, I'm back! And I brought some help!
Guy: Yo.
Kyo: Long time no see, Chizuru.
Galford: Nice to meet ya.
Poppy: Woof!
Sheena: Whoa! A blonde ninja! You definitely don't see that everyday! That's so cool.
Galford: Yeah, whatever. Just wait until you meet the Wesley Snipes lookalike, Raven. Kind of strange, but at least it isn't as disoriented as Urma Thurman in Kill Bill, Tom Cruise in Last Samurai, or Martin Lawrence in The Black Knight.
Chizuru: It's certainly nice meeting all of you. And Kyo, I personally think you look weird as a ninja (Everyone except for Kyo started laughing). Anyway, which one of you is has some auto skills?
Galford: I got it. You go back inside this baby and I use my electricity to charge the battery and starter.
Chizuru did as she was instructed as Galford removed his gauntlets and placed his hands on the battery and starter. After several minutes of doing this, Galford finally managed to get the truck up and running.
Chizuru: Thank you! You're a life saver!
Galford: No problem... except that my hands are numb...
Guy: So you girls are spook chasers, huh? Cool, you're like a modern day Ghost Busters, or The Mystery Machine on Scooby Doo.
Sheena: Yeah. We were just on our way to Heihachi's mansion... one of them anyway.
Kyo: You mean the bootleg Geese Howard?
Sheena: Right... anyway, we have a call from him this morning. He said something about his crib is being haunted and there's this annoying UFO flaying in his hallways with 'Dr. W' on it. That sounds kind of familiar. (Notices Kyo staring at her half cover breasts) HEY!
Kyo: Not my fault! You're the one who wears your shirt half open like that. Mai be the same way.
Sheena: You annoying... (slaps Kyo)
Galford: The only thing that could be haunting Heihachi is his own dysfunctional family. Kazuya and his Grandson are devils you know.
Kyo: Man! What is up with main heroes becoming evil all of a sudden? In SFA the guy who was pushed up to be my rival turned evil... talking about Evil Intent. Just an excuse for more Shotoclones. You don't see me becoming evil.
Athena: Speaking of which, it's a good thing that we ran into you guys.
Chizuru: Yes, your ninja prowess my be an advantage in solving the mystery at Mr. Mishima's abode.
Sheena: So, you guys are coming with us?
Kyo: Yeah. Definitely something to do to kill the time.
Guy: I'll tag along. Old man Heihachi is just delusional.
Galford: So sue me; I hate evil! I'll come along too. Being Exorcists R Us for a day is going to be fun!
Meanwhile, at Mishima manor, the old man himself was in the den reading a porn magazine. He was having a good time until his so called 'granddaughter' come into then den with an maid uniform on.
Asuka Kazama: Your clothes has been thoroughly washed, sir. Just be sure to be near the bathroom when you have the bubblies next time.
Heihachi: Uh, can't help it. Bowel trouble.
Asuka Kazama: You really didn't have to let me know about that sir. I'm just getting paid for housework, not knowing your deepest, darkest, secrets.
Heihachi: Silence. Why won't you um... go clean dust off some of the furniture or something.
Asuka: But sir, this is going to be the twentieth time for today!
Heihachi: Can't be that bad. Besides, it provides a nice view of your arse.
Asuka: You're sick! You know that? I should kick your arse if it weren't for the fact that you're paying me a whole shitload of money for this.
Heihachi: Try it if you want to. You wonder why my son ended up down the cliff and a volcano. And with Jin being shot in the forehead.
Asuka: ARGH! If you need me, I'll be on my coffee break with the security. (Leaves the den)
Heihachi: Have fun.
Meanwhile, in the monitor where the security were, the two officers were having a conversation. Of course, knowing them, an interesting topic had to come up sooner or later.
Vice: Old man Heihachi is a senile bastard, senile I tell you!
Gato: Yeah, the old fart said some about seeing the Dr. W UFO flying around again. He's just as looney as the cast of KOF S(h)itcom Hell.
Vice: Tell me about it. But what is up with his relations with Asuka, huh? Isn't she really his granddaughter?
Gato: I doubt the hell out of that. You should of seen the way how he looks up her skirt when she's working. And there was that time he tried to squeeze those breasts of hers.
Vice: He's a snotty old bastard, but he's not nearly as bad as Rugal was. Rugal had a major power trip.
When he gets pissed he goes into 'Omega mode' and beat up on his secretaries for no apparent reasons. But I'm sort of suspicious though, haven't it ever occurred to you that Adel and Rose looks a lot like Mature?
Gato: Oh well, that's just them. You wanna have sex?
Vice: Sure.
Just as the homicidal maniac and the sexy Orochi secretary were about to get it on, Asuka entered the monitor room. And she seemed very pissed.
Asuka: I'm sick of that old man's bullshit!
Gato: (Fastening back up his pants) Aren't we all? Shit!
Vice: (Buttoning up her blouse) What has he done now? Fuck!
Asuka: He wants me to clean up the furniture again! For the twentieth time! I've already hand fed him and gave him a sponge wash today! What more do he want?
Vice: Girl, you really didn't have to go into such detail. Yuck!
Gato: That's disgusting! Give him what he's asking for, though. All he wants is to see up your skirt.
Asuka: Now that you mention it, it is kinda small and it's feels really snug on my chest...
Vice: Damn! You young girls are just plain gullible! You don't know shit what's going on. (Looks at a monitor and sees the black truck). Exorcists R Us? They most be the people that he called today?
Asuka: Yeah. This place is haunted. Didn't I tell you about yesterday that I've seen a UFO flying around the mansion. It had Dr. W on it. Weird huh?
Gato: Should I shoot em from the window. My sniping skills are not as good as they used to, you know.
Vice: Gato, don't. Go on ahead and open the front gate.
Gato: If you say so.
What will become of Exorcists R Us and the three Ninja Academy students? Will Gato and Vice ever have time for themselves? Is Asuka Kazama truly Heihachi Mishima's granddaughter? Isn't the old fart just delusional? Is the mansion really haunted? What's up with the Dr. W spaceship? We may not find out about all of that but tune in next chapter!
Note: Sheena Fujibayashi. The sexy ninja woman from GameCube's excellent RPG, Tales of Symphonia. She fights with mystical cards and she can also summon spirits.
Note 2: Galford's quote, "So sue me; I hate evil!" is straight out of Samurai Showdown 4. Kim Kaphwan, eat yer heart out!
Note 3: The concept behind 'Exorcists R Us' is heavily inspired by Captainspoon's superb fac, 'The Exploits of Mercs R Us'. That is the greatest (and funniest) crossover fanfic ever written.
Note 4: Asuka Kazama... yeah, that sexy new brat from Tekken 5. Just what is her relationship to Jin Kazama and the Mishima's? There have been several fans that had been chewing each other out about that and they know damn well that Namco haven't yet confirm it. Guess we'll have to wait until Tekken PS3.