Ninja Academy. Part 7- The Art Of Survival
The students of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy are currently roughing it out in the depths of the forest, on a survival exercise. Worse, the storm is still going strong, as if Raiden himself was pissed off at the world, and venting out his anger. The group, excluding those with Exorcists R Us, have gotten themselves completely lost. This is probably because map reading was Fuuma's duty, so they now have no idea where they are. Everyone is cold, wet, morale is low, and despite only being noon, the storm and thick forest mean it's almost pitch black.
Strider- Where are we? One part of this forest looks the same as any other, especially now it's dark. Fuuma, what's the map showing?
Fuuma- I don't understand this at all. We should have past Space Mountain ages ago. And I don't remember seeing Mickey's Magical Kingdom anywhere either. Personally, I wanna find Princess Jasmine's Arabian Harem. Shingo swears it really exists. I like Shingo, he makes me look intelligent.
Raven- "Space Mountain"? "Mickey's Magical Kingdom"? Gimme the map! FUUMA! This is a 1994 Disneyland visitors map you useless Shotoclone!
Fuuma- HEY! Useless I may be, but I'm no Shotoclone you Wesley Snipes wannabe!
Shiki- Guys, shut up! What do we do now? We're lost, cold, and the torch batteries are running low.
Fuuma- You worry too much babe. I'll look out for you, I'm macho... (sees a tiny little spider) AAAAHHH! SPIDER! HE'S GONNA EAT ME! (jumps into Shiki's arms, who drops him like he's diseased) Oww!
Kurenai- Why don't we just set up camp here under this big tree? It's keeping the weather off us... (a huge flash of lightining destroys the tree, reducing it to charred firewood) Uh, forget I said anything.
Scorpion- Great, just great! Stupid survival, stupid fucking Hanzo! If I hadn't been killed, I'd have graduated my original ninja course, and not be stuck in this shithole!
Ibuki- Anyone seen Galford, Guy and... uh, the other guy? Where are they?
Eiji- Hopefully dead in a ditch somewhere... (Mai hits him) OWW!
Mai- That's a mean thing to think about Guy. And the others I guess, but mostly my good friend Guy. Come on guys, let's look for shelter. Preferably coming comlete with food, working toilets and TV.
Meanwhile, watching from the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy camp are head trainer Hanzo, first aider/therapist Taki and visiting KTV president, Saisyu Kusanagi. They all sit in front of a large set of screens, showing footage of the students, filmed using hidden cameras throughout the forest.
Hanzo- Hmm, they're all heading for shelter. What a wimpy thing to do, when I was a young trainee, I had to rough it outside in the storm wearing just my underwear and mask! Well, I didn't HAVE to...
Taki- And what good did it do you? You got pneumonia, and were sued for harassment by that camping group of college girls.
Hanzo- Gimme a break, those were the days of single sex ninja classes. I hadn't seen a woman for five months, then a coachful of college cuties come passing through.
Saisyu- Come on people, I trying to make a successful prime time reality/action show here! Start a fight, it usually works on Springer! Think of the audience, think of how KTV needs a hit after "At Home With Hinako" bombed and the censors made us take "Ash Crimsons Big Pink Funhouse" off air!
Taki- Shame, I liked "Ash Crimson's Big Pink Funhouse". Calm down. This whole area is a well known death trap, with many dangerous areas and inhabitants. I'm sure the students will get in over their heads somehow. They usually do.
Hanzo- And that's exactly the way we want it. Here at the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy, I believe in subjecting trainee ninjas to as much real life danger as humanly possible. Though I'd be sad if any died.
Taki- Why Hanzo, I didn't think you cared.
Hanzo- Of course I do, those students are like family to me. I treat them like my own kids, forget their names, and go on about how much nicer they were when they were little. (looks at the monitor) Look, they've spotted something...
After wandering aimlessly for a couple of miles, they find a signpost, which tells them what they can expect to find in various directions. Andy reads out aloud what is where, and they finally see something that raises their spirits.
Andy- Let's see now. Two miles left is a big steep drop into a pit of spiked rocks. Going south will take us down the Road to Nowhere... Hey look. If we head west, we'll get to a small village. We can stay the night there, then head back to camp in the morning.
Mai- My Andy's a genius. He found somewhere we can get a room together, and come up with many imaginative ways to keep each other warm.
Raven- Mai, I'm just curious. This storm's worse than the last one, so when will your outfit start shrinking?
Mai- Ah ha! I came prepared this time, oh yes. This outfit's weatherproof! (all men are disappointed)
Fuuma- Aww, the one thing I was excited about on this stupid survival program.
Shiki- Shit, the torch is dead. Anyone got any flares or something?
Yuki- This is no time to make a fashion statement. And you cannot borrow my flares.
Eiji- She's not talking crap 70's retro style you idiot! I mean the things you fire out to light the area up and attract attention.
Yuki- I always attract attention when I wear my flares. They're bright yellow, and very tight around my rear.
Scorpion- I've got a better idea. (removes his mask, to reveal his Ghost Rider style flaming skull) I guess being an undead specter does have it's advantages.
Kurenai- Can we head for the village now? We can get out of the storm, and I bet there's some small town studs just waiting for a sophisticated babe like me to show up.
With Scorpion leading the way as a kind of beacon, they head for the village. Along the way, they smell burning, and it isn't from the undead ninja's flaming skull. When they get there, they find a battered sign reading "Living At One With Nature", and buildings, all made of wood are all smashed up, with some on fire. Scared locals and various forest animals back away from them as they enter the main square. In reality, the village has just suffered it's ninth looting this week, and it's still only Wednesday.
Raven- What the fuck happened here? Did we miss a great party?
Kurenai- (to a young man) Excuse me, which way to your motel? You wanna come with me... (the man runs off) Come back. Poor boy, he mustn't be used to chic, urbane girls like myself.
Andy- (to passers by) Hi, I'm Andy Bogard. Fatal Fury hero, Ninja Academy student, and star of a hundred shampoo commercials. Someone talk to me, come on, I'm a nice guy.
Fuuma- Here's someone now, and she's a cute babe. (an angry Nakoruru and Mamahaha come their way)
Nakoruru- Haven't you guys done enough damage? You've attacked us so many times now, and stolen our money, our valuables, our home entertainment systems, even our fucking wallpaper!
Strider- Whoa there girl. Mind telling us what you're talking about? We're not here to attack you.
Ibuki- (whispering) It wasn't you was it Eiji?
Eiji- (whispering back) I've never been here before.
Nakoruru- We built this village as a place where we can get back to nature. Everything was fine until a month ago when rich bitch Hinako applied to build her next huge palace on these grounds. It would kill off all the local wildlife, including my Mamahaha.
Shiki- Hinako, I hate that stuck up cow. But why would she want to build a palace here?
Nakoruru- Because she's rich, spiteful, and most importantly, she just can. We successfully blocked her plans, but since then, she's hired ninjas to drive us out. My fellow nature defender, the lovely Julia went on a sabotage mission at Hinako's cabin yesterday, but I've not seen her since.
In a luxury cabin further away, the sumo snob is ranting at Julia Chang, who sits tied up in front of her. Julia was captured during her mission, but not before destroying the girl's entire fleet of limos. To torment the Native American nature lover, Hinako is wearing a long mink fur coat, and sitting in a big leather chair. Her forever mistreated maid Shermie is currently on hands and knees, being used as a footstool by her evil employer, who is also still very bitter about Ninja Academy's great success and her own show's flop.
Hinako- Soon my plan will become reality, and I will have a huge palace with every luxury and a large statue of me, in place of your hippy Ewok village. Who wants to get back to nature anyway, I hate nature! It should fucking well know it's place!
Julia- You can't do this, we stopped your plan. We will fight you all the way, blowing up your limos is only the beginning! My sweet Nakoruru will kick your granny panted arse!
Hinako- You only won the court case because that peasant judge couldn't resist you and Nakoruru, two cute, sweet natured, lady loving defenders of fluffy little animals. And of course, I'll have to wipe out all the animals, and I'm thinking of turning the rest of the forest into an exclusive golf course, just for a laugh.
Shermie- But ma'am, you don't even like golf.
Julia- What have you got against the natural world anyway you little freak?
Hinako- Nature just refuses to respect me. Like my exclusive summer garden party, hit by a freak thunder storm. Or my holiday in the Carribean, where I was almost eaten by sharks.
Shermie- I remember that time. Where you left me bleeding in the sea to distract them while you escaped. And ma'am, why this area, it's too far away from decent shopping facilities.
Hinako- True, but the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy is located in this forest too. Slowly but surely, I can move to aggressively destroy their school, and with it their TV show. And I have a group of ninjas on the payroll who despise the Academy as much as I do.
Back at the village, the students are all sitting around eating dinner and talking with their host. They have listened to what the nature lover is saying, and realise that once the village is gone, Hinako will also target the Academy. In return for food and shelter, they agree to help Nakoruru in her struggle.
Ibuki- Hey Nako, didn't you used to date Galford? Didn't you break it off due to your commitments to all things natural? Do you know any embarrassing stories about Galford, he's in our class, but we lost him.
Scorpion- I heard you got into women after that. Is it true? Gimme details.
Nakoruru- Look, the only two guardians of nature are me and Julia, we're bound to develop feelings for each other. We shared a jacuzzi one time, one thing led to another
Shiki- Yeah, whatever. Too much info. Anyway, you said before you were being attacked by ninjas. Who?
Fuuma- Spoilsport. Just when her story was getting good, and one thing was leading to another.
Just outside the village, hidden among the trees are three evil ninjas. they are led by vain claw weilding, masked matador Vega, a stereotyped Spaniard who makes the guy in The Quest look subtle. Accompanying him are ten foot, massively overweight Texan man mountain Earthquake, and purple haired busty Mai wannabe kunoichi Ayane. Spying in the village is lizard/man hybrid Reptile, currently invisible. All four are failed applicants to the Academy, and seek vengance for missing their chance at TV stardom. Nakoruru has now told the good guys about them.
Mai- I remember Ayane, a jealous rival from high school. She was never as good as me though.
Yuki- Hey, didn't those four apply for Ninja Academy too. I remember them from the auditions.
Andy- I get it now, because they failed to get into our TV show, they've joined up with the even more jealous Hinako to try and bring us down.
Fuuma- Nako, are you and Julia like the Planeteers? Can you call up a crap superhero with a green mullet? Do you have an annoying fire user, and a little wuss with "heart" power, whatever that was?
Nakoruru- Don't be stupid, it's not like that. We use peaceful protests, leaflet campaigns, and if The Man comes down hard on us, sabotage. Julia was more hardcore militant than I am.
Strider- We should have someone outside to keep watch. I say we take it in turns to do sentry duty. I'll go first, than Fuuma.
Fuuma- Why me?
Mai- Because you made us remember Captain Planet. Now I have the theme tune stuck in my head.
Everyone except Strider gets settled for some much needed hot drinks. Nothing happens on his watch, so Strider fetches the reluctant Fuuma. The psuedo Shotoclone wanders around, bored shitless until he hears a female voice call him. he turns to see a hot ninja chick with purple hair and bouncy boobs to rival Mai's.
Ayane- Would you come up here. I need a big strong man to help keep me warm. I'd come in, but I prefer to do it al fresco. The outdoors really turns me on.
Fuuma- Oh yes, I've scored big this time. I like the way this girl thinks, al fresco sex. YEAH!
Ayane pulls her top down further to show off more of her impressive cleavage. In a trance, Fuuma hurries towards her, before being hit across the head by something invisible behind him. Reptile makes his presence known, in his devolved MKDA form, and Vega and Earthquake also step out of their hiding places.
Fuuma- Oww, what's going on. Do I have to share her with you freaks?
Vega- Some ninja you are, how'd they pick you for the show over me anyway you Ken Masters wannabe? I'd have been far more popular with the fans, especially cute female viewers.
Fuuma- Why, because you look just as girly as them, rather than a manly stud like me?
Earthquake- We're gonna destroy your Academy, and the show. If we can't be ninja TV stars, no one can!
Without warning, Earthquake sits his massively oversized arse right on top of Fuuma. As the idiot gasps for air, Andy has come out to investigate, as he'd have been next for sentry duty. Andy gets ready to fight, but Vega moves too fast for him, leaping high into the trees. With a girlish yell, the pretty boy ninja dives claw first, cutting his target deep in the shoulder. A few more quick slashes take the heroic ninja down.
Vega- Heh heh, another one down. What does Mai see in you boy, you're so dull. And I should have won "Nicest Beat Em Up Hair 1992". Look how soft and silky my 'do is.
Ayane- I think he's cute, and I bet he's not hooked up with Mai only because he knows he can do much better than that whore. I should seduce him, just to break Mai's little heart.
Andy- (coughs out blood) Just because you weren't good enough to get on our show.
Vega- Boy, you're show's all wrong anyway. Ninjas aren't meant to be good guys. real ninjitsus all about ruthless assassination.
Both Andy and Fuuma are thrown into a truck and driven back to Hinako. Along with Julia, they are locked in the basement, where the evil sumo snob has a particularly cruel torture in mind for them. Shermie carries a TV/DVD down, and sets it up in front of them.
Hinako- Hello peasants. I'm going to break your little minds, and get you round to my way of thinking with this, an unfairly cancelled TV classic.
Fuuma- Aw fuck, not Captain Planet! Anything but that! (everyone else stares at him confused)
Andy- Don't mind him, he's simple. (sees Hinako's DVD box) Shit, it's worse. "At Home With Hinako"!
Hinako- Yes, the entire series on DVD. Where you can experience me in all my aristocratic glory. Maid, run me a bath, and if it's one degree above or below my ideal temperature, you lose another month's pay.
Julia- Shermie, what are you still doing working for that bitch? She doesn't respect you, has you constanly running around doing demeaning tasks.
Hinako- Don't talk to the slave, she doesn't have opinions. Speaking of maids, I'll need more for my new palace. Shermie won't be able to do everything alone, no matter how much I beat her.
The DVD is turned on, and the prisoners are left to endure this awful, patronising TV show following the life of a spoilt, snobby girl who makes the Queen of England look like trailer trash. Back at the village, the others have discovered that their firends are missing, and are looking for them.
Yuki- Guys, where are you. Come on, we've already lost Kyo, Guy and Galford.
Mai- Look, I've found blood... WAAAH! It's Andy's blood! First I lose Guy, then Andy, both in one day!
Strider- How can she tell it's his blood?
Eiji- She's been obsessed with him for years, knows every tiny little detail about him, even his DNA.
Shiki- You know what we should be doing now. We should go and storm the snob's cabin. Come on Nako, you know you want to.
Raven- She's right, you've been letting them attack your village all this time. Go kick her arse, Julia had the right idea. And with us on your side, you can't lose.
Nakoruru- Normally I'm a pacifist. But this time, I have to defeat Hinako, for the forest, for the animals, for my beautiful Julia!
In the cabin basement, Andy, Fuuma and Julia are very close to breaking point, but are saved when the power is shut off. They are shocked to see Shermie, wearing her pink KOF outfit come down and untie them. The now ex maid has finally decided she's had enough of Hinako, and threw her maid's outfit into the fire.
Andy- Whew, thanks. It was getting to the point where I was gonna swallow my own tongue to end it all. No wonder her show was a flop. Who wants to watch a spoilt brat show off her wealth and insult everyone?
Shermie- Go, you're friends are just outside now. I've had it with this shitty job. For a year, I've been made to perform demeaning tasks for the benefit of Hinako's inferiority complex of the many women sexier than her.
Julia- Good for you, you've finally decided to show a bit of backbone Shermie. We'll be happy to kick the shit out of your former employer.
As they escape the basement, outside, their friends are creeping towards the cabin, where Vega and his crew are keeping watch. They are completely unaware of the heroes presence until the last minute, when they are under attack. Both sides are now engaged in a big ninja vs ninja rumble
Vega- Hinako only employs maids to take out her jealous frustrations and inferiority complex on.
Earthquake- Yeah. She can't take it that she's a dumpy little granny pant wearing sumo no man really fancies... What the fuck...