Chapter 8: Mishaps At Mishima Manor
The three 'lost' ninjas of the Ninja Academy and Exorcists R US approached the porch of the mansion. It was an impressive old crib in the middle of nowhere. Right at the front door was Vice and the man himself, Heihachi Mishima. Vice look as though she was tired of working for the old fool. Heihachi, however, stood proud in his expensive clothes and he seems to be eyeing Athena and Sheen intently.
Heihachi: Welcome to my humble abode ladies, (glances at the three ninjas) and... you three faggots.
Guy: HEY! Watch your blasphemous mouth! At least we don't wear old thong drawers in the middle of a battle.
Heihachi: Oh, that little Tekken 4 incident. Back then, my personal army claimed that I wasn't paying them enough for the dangers I put them through. The ungrateful little bastards have burned up all of my fighting clothes at the time and I didn't have no choice but to come in the ring damn near naked.
Chizuru: Yeah... yeah, it's fate's way of picking at you at times. Well Mr. Mishima, how do you do? I am the founder of Exorcists R Us and these are my companions; Athena Asamiya and Sheena Fujibayashi. Along with us for additional support are three devoted students of the Aya Uteo Ninja Academy.
Heihachi: I see. It's an honor to meet all of you. (Looks thoughtful)
Sheena: (Whispering to Athena) I don't like the looks he's been giving us. Give me the rundown on what he's thinking.
Athena: Hold on. I'm getting in his thoughts clearly. Shoot, just as I thought. He's an old pervert. He's wondering if your chest is real and he's thinking about offering you a job as one of his personal maids. He's an ambitious old cock, isn't he?
Sheena: I'm not interested. He can keep his dirty thoughts to himself.
Vice: Sir? Should we be letting our guest inside? The storm could regain it's strength any moment now and I hate to get my suit wet.
Heihachi: Right. Come right this way, all of you.
The old man led the group inside his home. They are now walking through one of the various dark hallways of the mansion. The majority of the house was decorated with a mix of Japanese paintings, statues, plants, and samurai armor along with collectables from Medieval Europe, such as paintings from the Dark Ages and very ancient knight armors.
Kyo: (Looking at paintings of the Mishima bloodlines) Isn't this a bitch? All these guys had either spiky hair or receding hairlines. And some of these bastards had horns coming out of their heads. What a creepy legacy these Mishima prudes lead.
Galford: What? You're scared of something? Nothing can scare a Champion of Justice! Right, Poppy?
Poppy: Woof! Woof!
Athena: Kyo's right. This huge dump is spooky. I can sense the evil wandering around here...
Kyo: (In a fake, mocking voice) I see dead people...
Chizuru: While you're clowning about this situation, there are three forces at work here.
Sheena: Three huh? Damn, this is going to be a long day.
The groups soon find themselves inside the main den of the household. There were four home theatre television sets, several snack machines, a magazine stand, and a fountain in the middle of the room. Guy took a seat at one of the sofas and looks through some of the DVD collection.
Guy: Hey look at this. It's a rare title, an American Pie/Pokemon crossover, 'American Pie: Poking The Coeds' and get this: Satoshi finally gets some from Kasumi. It's about damn time he did. After almost ten years I thought he still wants to remain a mere 'friend' with her.
Sheena: How about this film, it was hailed as one of the best yaoi films as acclaimed by Ebert and Roper... knowing those old sods. 'Battle Arena Toshinden: Life In The Wrong Lane'. Ooh... Kayin Amoh puts Eigi Shingo in the buck position. And how come Sophia is nicknamed Doorknob in this movie?
Guy: It's no secret that those bogus shotoclones were playing on the other team. That was old news. And I just happened to know why they call Sophia The Doorknob... but I'm not going to tell you why.
Kyo: And look at this, 'Street Fighter FREAK: Warriors Dream'. (Looks on the back of the case) Whoa! I never knew Ryu had it in him. That emotionless freak finally shows some emotion... and it's not towards Chun Li... Gross...
Galford: Who is it then? Cammy? R.Mika? Elena? Rose? Man, I'll do that hot gypsy chick! Or, wait a minute... heaven forbids, it's Sakura isn't it? These young girls can fool you these days. Just ask Malin...
Kyo: No. He falls in love with Sagat. Ken and Charlie ran off with Chun Li to have a threesome with her. And Sagat gets some 'Tiger Blow' from his long time enemy.
Chizuru: My god that's disturbing...
Athena: Yuck! Most of these are flicks. I wouldn't be caught dead watching these filthy movies.
Kyo: Trust me, it's not as filthy once you start getting some.
Heihachi: (Blushing) Uh, ahem... those are some of my DVD collections. But I don't have shit to do with the yaoi flicks. I wonder who they belong to? (Glares at Vice)
Vice: Don't look at me you old prune! I'm not into stuff like that! After you hired Gato a few weeks ago I didn't have the time to check out those films. And I know he doesn't watch those because he's a straight arrow head (Nudges Sheena). You know what I'm saying?
Sheena: (Blushes) I heard he was working with a monster.
Vice: Yeah, he turned me straight! It's hard to believe I wasn't into men a majority of my life.
Sheena: Chill. Too much information.
Heihachi: If they aren't yours then whose DVDs are these?
Suddenly, Asuka Kazama entered the room nearly the speed of sound. She greeted the guests and bowed apologetically at Heihachi. Because she forgot to put away most of her yaoi videos last night and she was surprise she didn't look for anything to clean in the den.
Asuka: I'm so sorry! Please forgive me for not noticing this mess. I'll be straightening up the movies back on the shelves and in my room right away. (Bends over to gather her yaoi flicks, giving the old man and the three ninjas a good view of her purple underwear, unknown to her).
Guy: Hey, now we're talking!
Galford: The full moon is looking awfully pretty tonight.
Kyo: At times like these, I can certainly appreciate the color purple. Except when I see Iori's flames streaking down the road towards me. The bastard.
Heihachi: (Looking proud) That's my personal maid, and quite possibly my granddaughter, Asuka Kazama. Isn't she lovely fellas?
Asuka: That's about all of them. (Notices three empty bottles of tequila near the sofa) Shit, was I really chugging up these last night? Damn, I'm gonna have a fucked up liver when I get older.
Kyo: Howdy partner. You probably seen me in the KTV studios. Kyo Kusanagi (hands Asuka one of his 'business cards'). When you have the time, give me a call, babe.
Asuka: We have a deal, Mr. Kusanagi.
Kyo: Please, just call me Papa Kyo.
Athena: (Thinking) Oh god! Not another Kusanagi groupie!
Chizuru: Ahem. Back to the subject at hand Mr. Mishima. You reported to us earlier today that you have a presence in your home. Plus, if I'm not mistaken, there's also sightings of a miniature UFO seen flying through the perimeter of the mansion, correct?
Heihachi: Why yes, of course. I'm glad I did called you guys. You're just the right people for the job. You are free to board here for the night and I hope you all can clear up all of this by tomorrow morning. But you can ignore the evil presence in the basement... that's my shit looking father.
Sheena: Okay. I'll start the line of defense by putting up evil repelling charms all over the place.
Guy: Actually, I was hoping for a good fight. Ninjas are known for warding off evil spirits too, you know.
Galford: Hey Chizuru, you did said that there were three forces at work here, right? Mind telling us how we can get a lead on them. Or how about telling little Miss Purple-Haired Cleo here to do her psychic sensing thing.
Athena: Hey don't call me Miss Cleo, blondie! You wouldn't believe all the jokes I went through when I debuted as a martial artist when I was a child.
Poppy: (Picks up a scent) Grr...! Woof! Woof!
Galford: What is it Poppy? You smell something peculiar?
Chizuru: Ah! I can sense one of the presence near by. It's getting closer and closer...
Asuka: Shoot! I'm to young to die! Gotta go! (Hides in a closet)
Athena: I can sense it too. It's a very evil presence at that. It's just as evil as... as a very old demented pervert. Or just as evil as an gender bending entity, or an army of Shin Clones wielding purple flames. Don't get me started on most people's player two color schemes.
Guy: Let me at em! (Hops around in a stance like Scrappy-Doo) I'll show em that this is not the place to be haunting around with. What the heck? (All the lights go out)
Yes indeed people, the lights are certainly out. And it's obvious that the evil force is at work. While most of the gang were panicking and wanting to know what the hell was going on, it was certain that they could hear flying bats. The evil presence is felt stronger and stronger and there were several sounds of fabric being ripped off. After several minutes of this, the lights are turned back on and the girls found themselves wearing new, if not provocative outfits.
Galford: What the hell? Is this a club night or something?
Kyo: Whatever it is, I'm not complaining.
The girls were obviously victims of The Midnight Bliss; a specialty of a certain vampire that can make women change into a much better wardrobe once victims to it. Sheena was still wearing her purple ninja yukata without the pants. Athena was in a red bikini, just like her original incarnation, only she was much more bustier and her swimsuit was very thin and mostly a thong. Chizuru was pissed as well; she was wearing a Japanese schoolgirl outfit, the skirt barely covering her arse, just like those 'annoyingly perfect manga girls'. Asuka was wearing her hidden geisha wardrobe from Tekken 5 with the tattoos on her thigh and all, and Vice was in a leather leotard, dominatrix style with shades to boot.
Heihachi: (Clutching his heart in bliss) Oh Kazumi! I've seen too many sexy women in one place at one time. I'm coming to join you honey!
Guy: So? The sight of soft legs in their best clothes frightens you huh? And you called us faggots...
Kyo: God I wish I can do that. I can make Yuki hair much longer and her chest much bigger.
Chizuru: I know who is responsible for this. This looks like the work of Demetri Maximov and personally, I think the undead bastard has gone too far. (Tries to snatch off her outfit, but times she took it off, another one remained on her body) Great, just freaking great! I gotta wait until this spell wears off.
Athena: Well, it's not that bad. I was reluctant to wear a schoolgirl outfit too until they told me that they'll pay me triple if I wear it in KOF XI.
Asuka: Yeah... I know what you mean. The pervs did the same to me as well. They forced me to wear my geisha outfit and they agreed to pay off my private school debts and tuitions.
Sheena: Well we better find this vampire guy and fast. I'm catching a draft and I'm sensitive to cool weather.
Vice: Well if anyone needs me, I'll be in the security room with Gato.
Kyo: Hey guys, maybe we can leave the vampire alone, huh? I mean, he's not really doing evil things around here. He made the girls here realize their deeper feminine sides. What do you think? (Takes out a camera and took several snapshots) The internets is going to go nuts once they see these. And they can forget about those new chicks appearing in future games.
Athena: Hey girls, we can take out our stress and anger on him instead (Glowers at Kyo, along with the other girls). GET HIS ASS!
Kyo: Hey, what the hell wrong with you girls... AAHHH! (Gets jumped on by the girls)
While the SNK poster boy is getting the holy shit beaten out of him, Demitri finally decided to make an appearance in the Mishima Manor den. He too takes out a camera and started taking snapshots of the girls which were now beating up Kyo.
Demitri: Ah Ha! Oh yeah! This is the real deal! This is the ideal dream of every hentai web-surfers and Capcom fanboys out there. The internet is going to love this! Sexy half naked chick handing the Kusanagi boy's ass to him, this is too much!
Poppy: Woof! Woof! WOOF!
Galford: Hey it's the evil vampire... wait a minute... (sneaks out a camera and took a snapshot of Sheena when her kimono went past her hips). Okay... where was I? VAMPIRE'S HERE!
Guy: Right... like what he said. (Takes a picture of Chizuru when she was busy having a hold of Kyo's collar and banging his head against the floor). Chizuru's not so Plane Jane after all...
Heihachi: Excellent... (Takes a snapshot when Asuka straddles Kyo and began beating him with one of her high heels stilettos). Oh yeah...
Gato: I'm glad I can see some of the action. (Takes a snapshot of Athena when she leapt off the ceiling fan and landed her big butt dead in Kyo's face). This is better than Rumble Roses and DOA put together. OWW! (Is clothelined by Vice)
Kyo: AHH! Owf! Uh guys... EEP! There's a fucking... vampire right behind you! GACK!
All girls: It's him! The perverted vampire!
Demitri: Greetings ladies, most of you know who I am. And I would like to invite all of you for dinner. May I have a toast of your blood.
Sheena: So that's what this fool is messing around about. He wants blood.
Asuka: If that was what he wanted then I could of provided him some. It's almost time for my cycle anyway. I can make him cups full of the liquid.
Chizuru: You! You're the one who placed this wicked curse on us! We, Exorcists R Us does not appreciate this at all!
Demitri: You fools think you can defeat me? I'm undead.
Athena: It really is an honor to actually meet a real vampire such as yourself but I have a question...
Demitri: Ah. The honor is mine, my psychic beauty. I bet that you're wondering how you can see my body muscles through my suit aren't you?
Athena: No, it's not that, interesting as it may be. I was just wondering... I know it's daylight and all and... and... how the hell can you walk in broad daylight if you're a vampire?
Demitri: Hmm... you have a good point there missy... Oh shit! (Starts to bun into ashes) I've forgotten all about that! I can't! You little jerk! You made me remember that I couldn't wander in the daytime! Damned Capcom had misled me for all these years. They overlooked all the logic! ARGH! (Turns to a pile of ashes)
Chizuru: Well that's one down...
Guy: That was kinda easy. The fool's been ignorant on the fact that daylight can kill him after all these years.
Heihachi: ASUKA! Get the broom and dustpan and sweep up these ashes.
Asuka: Yes sir. (Muttering) You old shit bag.
About several hours later the three ninjas, along with Exorcists R Us and Asuka Kazama were lounging in the den and watching the home theater television screens. Asuka and Sheena was watching a yaoi movie and they finally understood why Dan Hibiki insists on wearing pink. The pink wearing idiot was confessing his love for Tales of Symphonia's tights wearing Lord Yggdrasil. The three Ninja Academy students were watching a Jeepers Creepers/Street Fighter crossover movie, in which Chun Li and her students was trapped in a dojo in fear of a monster accidentally created from NEST's labs. Athena was watching a Disney kiddie movie, knowing damn well that she is too grown for that stuff. And Chizuru sulks in a lone chair, still pissed off that the effects of the Midnight Bliss haven't quite worn off yet.
Asuka: I've should have know that Kyokugenryu wannabe was a faggot. The pink was obvious.
Sheena: Hell, Mithos Yggdrasil was on the other team from the start. He wears too many tights to be a straight man. He makes Vega seem subtle.
Guy: Wow. I never seen such fear on Chun Li's face ever since M. Bison captured her and proposes to marry her.
Kyo: Shit... as big as her legs are, the monster is going to have food for weeks.
Galford: I have to admit, I never thought that there would be an even bigger NEST fuck-up than the Tetsou ripoff, K999.
Athena: (Curious) Funny, I thought I've seen all the classic Disney films. I can't remember what happens at the end of this one..
Kyo: Damn it! They shoot the dog in the final act. Happy?
Athena: (In tears) What? They really murdered Old Yeller? How could they? WAAHH!
Galford: Yeah, and in the Lion King, Mufasa gets killed too. The stampede of wildebeests murdered him as a plot from his brother, Scar. Real tragic. Nakoruru cried when she saw the movie too. Personally, I think kids should avoid some of that Disney stuff.
Asuka: Yeah, don't cha know? The Disney Channel is like HBO/Showtime after dark for kids.
Chizuru: I hate this. This tiny outfit won't come off... (attempts to snatch the outfit off again but another one was right under it)... shit... these movies are crap... (picks up a DVD at random)... great, a Fighter's History flick, probably just as crappy as the game. So Mizoguichi finally gets some koochie? What's up with these Ryu clones getting some booty on these flicks anyway?
Sheena: Ooh, girl look at this! There's a deleted scene with Remy getting involved with Ash Crimson and Adon!
Kyo: The yaoi fans sure does have a vivid imagination... prudes.
Chizuru: I had just about enough of this! We should be out searching for the damn UFO! Not sitting in here chilling and watching these screwy ass movies. (Finally spots the said UFO drifting down a long hallway) Hey! There it is!
Galford: What are we waiting for! Shoot that thing down!
Athena: Right. It's time we settle what's up with it. (Fires a Psycho Ball and gets a direct hit) GOT CHA!
The flying object crashes down, making an ugly pile of metal rubble in the hallway. The gang gathers in front of it, ready to face what ever the hell it was that's operating it. But to their surprise (except Kyo and Guy whom knew something about it) the shadow that emerged from the small destruction was Dr. Wily, Mega Man's arch nemesis for god knows how long.
Dr. Wily: You ignorant infants... Essxccuse Me (Teeth falls out his mouth and he has to pick them back up and put them back in his mouth). As I was saying; you young bastards are interfering my plans of upgrading my ultimate creation.
Kyo: What is it this time, you boring has-been villain? Slice Man? Gas Man? Spoon Man? Popsicle Man? All that's going to happen to them is getting busted up and sent to the junkyard by Mega Man once again. Why won't you just take your old cliche ass to a nursery home and wait until death to knock on your door.
Galford: Yeah, give it up. Your evil army of robots haven't been imposing since part 2.
Asuka: And I certainly hope that you're not talking about that girly ass Zero you plan on keeping in a tube for the next hundred or so years. He make friends with Mega Man anyway.
Dr. Wily: How the hell should you know?
Asuka: I'm a big fan of the Mega Man X series. Plus, this girl Athena is a psychic and tells me so, and I own all the yaoi videos involving X and Zero.
Athena: (Pointing at her head) Yep. I can see the future at times. But I don't know nothing about the X and Zero flicks. (Points at Asuka) That's her specialty.
Chizuru: Anyway, old man... you're through!
Dr. Wily: Guess again, smart-asses! I've already have a creation that has already beaten Mega Man! And if you don't back up off me, it will beat the tar out of you too!
Guy: Ha! Ha! Ha! It's probably one of his cheap ass robots that may take ten tries with the default weapon and three with the weakness weapon to defeat it. (Everyone laughs at Wily).
Wily: While you sods are laughing, I've been living here for years. I have a top secret underground lab right underneath this manor. Since then, I have been working on my greatest creation. Using the latest technology besides those damn operating system and biological weapons, I've created a robot that can absorb the energy of evil fighters for over great distances.
Sheena: Ah, so that means that your dear robot has gained strength from Jinpachi buried underneath this place. This can be a problem...
Athena: I don't like the sound of this.
Wily: Ha! Ha! Ha! Not only that, my robot has also gained strength from even more powerful entities than Jinpachi himself over the years. Shit, I've stolen energy from Geonitz, Neo Dio, Mizuki, Ambrosia, Orochi... and that was just the beginning toots!
Chizuru: Shit... we're in trouble.
Guy: Looks like we have a real fight on our hands.
Wily: Right you are, Bushin boy. People allow me to introduce the robot that destroyed Mega Man and soon help me conquer the world. I present to you... Omega Man!
From where the UFO crashed at, there was a great deal of smog erupting from it. There was a small earthquake and then a new figure came into everyone's view. It was, in fact, Omega Man! Omega Man is an exact robotic replica of Omega Rugal. The mechanical menace even speaks with a digitized voice of the unforgiving hard boss.
Omega Man: I am more than a god, I'm a superstar!
Kyo: Shit! We ARE in trouble! That's an almost exact copy of The Omega Super Cheap Bastard Unbeatable SNK Boss With A Cyber Hand!
Omega Man: Done your packing? Because your life's journey is over! (Hits Guy, Chizuru, and Athena with a Kaiser Wave, knocking them nearly unconscious) HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!
Galford: Here goes nothing! Go Poppy!
Poppy: Rrrwwhuh?
Galford: Damn it Poppy, you're becoming more and more disobedient lately. OUCH! (Is hit by a Reppuken)
Sheena: So this is the infamous SNK Boss Syndrome? You guys should have warned me.
Asuka: Hell, Jinpachi Mishima caught that syndrome too. Cheap old bastard! (Gets hit by a Genocide Cutter along with Sheena)
Guy: This guy is WAY tougher than M. Bison and Akuma put together! I didn't think Shen Long wasn't this tough either! YEOW! (Is picked up in a GodPress)
Heihachi: What's going on here? YAAAAHHH! (Gets slapped by Omega Man)
Omega Man: Repeat after me: I will never face off with a god again. MWUHAHA!HA!HA!HA!HE!HE!HE!
Kyo: Come on man. You don't really want to hurt me, I... URRRGHH! (Is lifted in a max Gigantic Pressure)
Wily: Well friends, what do you have to say about my Omega Man?
The entire gang lay broken and severely injured. The power of Wily's latest robot proved a bit too powerful for them to face against. Wily laughs at our heroes in triumph because he knows he can finally conquer the world with some as indestructible as Omega Man. Meanwhile, Sheena notices a peculiar switch on the back of the robot.
Sheena: What is that? Maybe it's a key to defeating this freak robot.
Wily: I'm the man! I'm the evil genius! Ha! Soon the world will realize that "The Mad Scientist of 1951" is back in action! HA!HA!HA! Plus, no more "Has Been Villain Awards" for me! They really hurt my feelings back in 1989.
Omega Man: Feel the power of Omega Super Cheap Unbeatable Bastard SNK Boss With A Cyber Hand! I am the greatest creation in existence!
Sheena: Guys! I have a plan! Distract that robot!
Guy: That's not a plan, that's a suicide mission!
Sheena: Just do it!
All of the fighters that was able to stand at least, did as they were told. But it was quickly becoming a futile attempt and pretty soon somebody might get killed. Omega Man had even defeated the summon spirits Sheena has sicked at him. As a last resort, the female ninja of Mizuho jumped on to his back and reached for the mystery switch.
Wily: No! Don't touch that, you stupid girl! That's the self destruct switch! Man, I should have removed that fucking switch in the first place!
Omega Man: SELF DESTRUCTION COMMENCING IN: 20 SECONDS...