Chapter Four:

Breaking the Habit

Lily could not remember the last time that she had felt so rotten. It wasn't that she was poorly, in fact, she wished that the strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, were just a bug and not the emotion more commonly known as guilt. It had been trapped inside her for a good week now and although she would never have given into James' annoying habits, she would do almost anything to make the bad feeling inside of her, go away.

Near enough a week had passed, since Lily's last confrontation with James and at first, she had been extremely pleased to get the boy off of her back. The price had come quite high though and Roxy had not spoken to Lily from the taking place of the event, to the following Thursday, however, today was Saturday and both of the girls were friends again

It was quite an odd feeling. Being ignored by someone who had always gone out of his way— to attempt to strike up a conversation with her—was odd and in a way, she didn't like it. It was silly really. For years, Lily had tried to get through to James Potters head that she didn't like him and now that he had finally taken the point, she suddenly felt the urge to get to know him better.

Lily was trying to rid herself of the startling thoughts, by shoving her nose in a heavy, unabridged edition of, The Origin of the Magical Race. She had seated herself in the far corner of the library, near the statue of Sycamore and was attempting to cover up the fact that she wasn't really reading the book, just staring at the ink-filled pages.

Suddenly the shadowing presence of someone interrupted her non-thoughts and she was about to defend her reasons for being in the library. She knew that it was really beyond library times but it was the only place that she could find solitude and peace of mind when she was beyond herself.

The person who was hovering above her began to tap their foot and Lily lowered her book just enough to be able to see the person without moving anything but her eyes. They shone for a moment, just as they always did when she was about to speak with honey.

For a second her mind lingered and then she smiled. Remus had been standing there and she stood up to relieve herself. "Remus," she smiled.

He appeared to be biting on the inside of his cheek. "Lily," he replied, although his voice was soothing, there was something hidden between his tongue, "you've barely been in the common room all week. We've been getting worried. Lily stretched her back and bent down to pick up the bag that was resting beside her previous chair. It was pastel but multicoloured and she stretched the fabric to put her book away. "Alright. I was worried about you. I've never seen you so," he paused, "desolated."

She sighed and thought silently to herself. She did admire Remus. He always seemed to be hiding something but what? She could never quite put her finger on it. "I've just been thinking. That's all," she said.

He smiled timidly. "More than usual?' there was a sense of mock surprise in his voice.

Lily returned his smile. "More than usual," she nodded.

As Lily took a long time, fumbling with the knot on her bag, Remus waited for her patiently. He was obviously expecting her to return to the common room with him and secretly, she wondered what his true intentions were. Surely he's just a messenger of James'? Seconds later she cursed herself. Remus would never do such a thing!

Lily quickly swung her bag over her shoulder and adjusted her top, as the bag had stretched the material up. The sickly feeling invaded her once again and she wasn't sure whether it was from a lack of food from trying to avoid a certain person during the evening meals or if it was because she was probably going to have to have a confrontation with him. It was no good. If she was going to get rid of this feeling, she would have to do something about it. I'll have to make peace.

A voice invaded her thoughts. "Lily?" she looked up quickly to see that Remus was watching her curiously. "Shall we go?" he asked politely, apparently avoiding any embarrassing questions.

Lily wiped her cheek. "Oh, yes. Let's do," she nodded, beginning to lead the way forwards. "Sorry. I was—"

"—Thinking?" Remus finished for her and she nodded in response.

They continued to walk along the hallway and Lily realised that it must have been a lot later than she had thought it was. No wonder they sent a scout to look for me. She thought to herself, as they past the portrait of Ethal the Barbarian. The silence was starting to make her feel slightly tense, something that she had never felt around Remus before. She suddenly realised that it was because of something that Vicky had told her previously in the week. She smiled weakly.

"Is James in the common room?" Lily said quickly, almost trying to make the words unclear.

Remus' strides shortened for a couple of seconds, apparently considering her question with some thought. His cheek pouted to the side and the time that it was taking for him to give her an answer, appeared to last a very long time—too long.

"Yes," Remus said finally, "he is."

"Good," Lily responded blankly.

They were steadily approaching the portrait hole and were now barely seven feet in front of the Fat Lady. The corridor was eerily quiet and the lack of a response from Remus was just making the feeling a lot more hostile.

Remus stared at her unsurely. "I think you're a little tired," he pointed out but there was a smile on his face.

She shook her head as they waited for a minute outside of the common room. "Nope—well, yes—but that is beside the point. His strop has lasted double the length it usually does and it's getting tiresome," she began and Remus raised an eyebrow at her. "You can read me like a book, can't you?"

Remus smiled. "Just try to explain to him about the lilies. That's what annoyed him. If it looks like he's going to go off on one, I'll intervene."

Lily smiled. "Thanks. I won't do it straight away," she informed him, before looking up at the Fat Lady, who seemed to be looking a little impatient, and gave the password, "Heads House."

Lily swept into the common room with Remus closely at her heals. There were not many people left in the room—just a couple of sixth years that she wasn't really friends with, just acquainted by name. Sirius was messing around with something that looked suspiciously like one of the science sets her sister had received for her birthday. I'll have to get a closer look at that at some point. She wondered if it needed confiscating.

Remus had gone to sit opposite Sirius and Lily looked around the room for James, pretending that she was just checking that there was nothing out of order. Her emerald eyes then rested on a very sorry looking male, who was staring out of the window, allowing a very cold drift of air to pound through.

She began to glide over to him and wondered how she would ever be able to live with herself. She had always promised never to give into James Potter. It would snow in August before that happened. However, this was not necessarily giving in. This was a tactful approach to stop the nonsense.

Before she had even sat opposite him in the window box, James spoke without even looking up. "I take it you want me to close the window," he moaned, leaning forwards to do so, his long fringe catching in the breeze.

Lily's cheek dented but she had to look past the tone of voice and accusations. "No," she said clearly and he lent back. "No, you can leave it open if you want to," she added.

"I was closing it anyway," he informed her tensely, sliding forwards once again and firmly shutting the window.

Lily stood up and pulled the curtains across the alcove so they could converse in private. "What's all this about, really?' she asked him firmly, staring him in the eyes.

She could tell he was trying very hard to keep a straight face and suddenly Lily wondered if it was all a ploy just to get her to talk to him. He looked at Lily, then at the curtains and suddenly burst out into a fit of laughter. She tried to keep a straight face and wondered what the others would be thinking in the room. The sickly feeling returned.

"What's all this about?" he replied. "You're the one who's just shut us into a confined space," she noticed that he was raising his voice purposely.

Lily responded quickly. "So that we could have some privacy!" she exclaimed and he grinned wider. "No! That's not what I meant. Don't you be thinking that," she added.

"I wasn't thinking anything," he whimpered and Lily realised that that was probably true.

Lily took a deep breath. This was worse than she thought, although he appeared to not be sulking. She tried to think of the correct words to say but everything that she thought about saying sounded so very wrong when she but James into the equation.

"I just wanted to talk about last week, civilly," she added.

He scanned her and she felt rather small, folding herself against the wall. "Go on then," he replied, "I'm listening."

A conversation is usually two people. Lily thought to herself but she had to do it, if she was ever to enjoy a meal again. "Well," she began carefully, "about those lilies," she paused, expecting him to intervene but he didn't and so she continued, slightly appreciated by his silence. "I do believe that you sent me some now that I know, I really do," she was speaking very quickly, "but I really didn't get them—honestly. And I would have said thank you," she added.

"No. You wouldn't have," James said, playing with his shoelace.

Lily felt her temper rising. "Yes I would have!" she exclaimed, trying to keep her voice lower.

"I'm pretty glad you didn't get them."

Lily could feel herself glaring. Like I had wanted them anyway. "Why?"

James looked up, obviously wanting to see her reaction. "They were covered in sneezing powder," he informed her.

To her own surprise, she giggled, loudly. She leant her head back for a second and the curtains blew about. She quickly steadied herself.

Standing up, she pulled herself around the curtains and back into the main body of the common room. She smiled at Remus, who responded with a quick nod and began to venture up the stairs to the girls dormitory. She could hear the two sixth years speaking to each other and smiled attentively.

"Lily!" James called to her but she ignored him, hoping that she could say she was too far out of reach, if he asked her about it the next day. She listened for a second against the wall and could just about hear him say, "what was that about?"

Lily continued up to her room, tiptoeing in case she woke anyone else up on the lower floors. She had decided that it was common decency, when in her first year she had been placed in the very first room and decided and early nights were very good things.

Now their dormitory was the very top room of the tower, as in their second year, they had been asked to move up there because a new seventh year had a serious issue with heights and vertigo. She smiled as she remembered the request.

Lily opened the door to their room and tiptoed along the floorboards to her bed. She was uncertain whether any of the others were still awake and so, pulled her curtains around her bed and quickly got changed. She pulled herself into her bed, deciding that she would have an extra wash tomorrow, and pulled herself under the covers.

"Where have you been?" Lily heard Roxy whisper from the bed nearest to her.

"Making peace with James, I think," she whispered back with a yawn.

"Good, Good," her friend responded but Lily could tell that she wasn't really paying attention and slowly drifted into sleep.