Taken On Trust
By Ann3
Writer's Note: Okay, after the fun and games, it's back to the nitty gritty - and however gutsy our wee boy is, he isn't quite home and dry yet. So, for this penultimate update, Carson and Laura have a lot of talking to do. If you want to make yourselves a mug of tea, and stock up on comfort choccie, you might want to do it now... 'cos this is going to be a long chapter !!
Oh, and a quick message for HyperCaz - I tried emailing and private messaging you, but kept getting an error message. Oddly enough, I think there could be a general problem, since I'm not getting the usual chapter addition alerts when I update the story, or the emailed review alerts.
Anyway, where death by squee is concerned, I can think of worse ways to go ! And if you're interested, the story I'm currently working on will put you in hyper-squee... let's just say there's a life changing event in store for both Carson and Laura... and Carson in a kilt... ;o)
Anyway, back to the latest round of angst and suffering for our poor little hero... enjoy !!
Chapter Thirteen
Truths And Consequences
For the next two days, Carson Beckett drifted between consciousness and the sanctuary of gently drugged sleep – often waking just long enough to drowsily return Laura's smile, enjoy the softest of kisses across his cheek, before sliding back to his dreams.
As his strength slowly returned, though, so did memories of the horrors he'd experienced on Vora – his reaction to them noted, in growing concern, by those who'd shared that nightmare with him.
Five days into an already painful recovery, the shock which they'd all known would come, which they had all silently dreaded, finally hit.
Halfway through his gently chivvied, recuperative walk around his bed, he suddenly started to shake uncontrollably – almost taking Laura down with him, as she and Kate struggled to support his weight between them.
Now, as Laura settled him, very gently, back into bed, Kate Buchanan made herself tactfully scarce. John Sheppard's support was just a headset call away, of course. So was the rest of his team, but – well, the last thing a frightened and confused Carson Beckett needed right now was a roomful of well meaning mother hens.
So instead she just kept a discreet, watchful eye on her patient, offering Laura an encouraging smile as she quietly alerted the cavalry.
"Colonel…? Aye, it's started… it's startin' to hit him, and… no, it's alright, Laura's with him… I think it's best to let her try and talk it out of him for now, and… aye, lad… if anyone can, she can…"
If Laura was aware of this responsibility resting upon her, then she was too pre-occupied to show it. All she cared about right now was helping Carson through the trauma which she knew was coming – a fresh hell of anger and terror and pain that he was in no way strong enough yet to face on his own.
She'd sensed it throughout that morning. She had felt it rising, in spasms of tension and tremors through his body, as she'd held him through his walk. And she could see it too now, etched deeply into the stricken eyes which now flickered towards her.
Laura could spend a lifetime inside those eyes, an eternity in their depths of expression. As much as she loved them, though, all she wanted right now was to see those eyes close again. The pain that still clouded them, the tormenting hell of his memories, still tore at her heart.
The brave face he was struggling so hard to keep in place for her, she realised, was starting to break – relief for the release it would bring to him crashing against the fury at the pain it would cause him first
"Sh, it's okay, baby… it's okay, you're safe now… you're safe now, it's all over…" she said at last – the tears of anxious sympathy in her eyes coaxing one of his own to finally slide down his cheek
"I – I know, love, but – but… I – I was jus' so scared... jus' so bloody scared…" Carson whispered – physically shaking again now, his voice choking, as the legacy of that fear began to overwhelm him.
"I jus' felt so damn helpless, love, I jus'… jus' felt so bloody useless, wi' not bein' able to stop them, an'… I didn't know wha' to do...! I - I jus'… jus' didn't know how I was goin' to get away from them…!"
"I know, baby… but you're safe now…" Laura soothed him, easing him very gently more securely into her arms. Yet not even the security of being wrapped in loving gentleness could break that terror's grip on him. Closing his eyes against a sudden spasm of pain only caused more of those memories to re-surface
"Jus' – Jus' couldn't get away…" Carson whispered, still fretfully twisting against Laura's side – held so deeply in the grip of his memories that it took several anxious calls of his name to reach him.
"I know, Carson, but… Carson, you did get away, baby… you're safe now, Carson… ssshh, it's okay, baby, you're home…"
Blinking dazedly back at her, Carson then cautiously shook his head several times to clear it further – his attempts to reply to her gently thwarted by a glass of water which Laura now held to his mouth.
"No, baby, no more talking until you've had some of this… nice and slowly now… that's it…"
Refreshed by its soothing coolness, Carson gratefully drained the water down to its very last drop. Yet even as he settled, thankfully calmer, into her arms, Laura felt her own emotions begin to break.
They'd always found it easy to talk to each other. It was one of their relationship's greatest strengths. Yet at a time when it was so vital for them to do so…? A time when both needed so much to heal…? Those precious words of healing just would not come.
As his eyes closed once more, it was all Laura could do not to scream in pure, rising frustration. Yes, he lay safe in her arms now. But at that moment, Carson Beckett might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy.
Laura had forgotten one thing, though, as she pushed that frustration aside and settled back instead to her own, unique 'kiss it better' therapy. The sexiest, feistiest Scot to ever leave Glasgow was, as she was still learning, just full of surprises – hence the start he now gave her, as a sleepily chiding brogue drifted up from the snug crook of her shoulder.
"No' that I'm mindin' it, love, but you're – you're spoilin' me somethin' rotten…"
Recovering herself, and now driven by something she couldn't explain, Laura held him gently closer – much of her own pent up emotions escaping through an equally soft, vehemently heartfelt response.
"After nearly losing you…? After what that bastard did to you…? Damn straight I'm spoiling you…!"
Perhaps it was the frustration in her tone, something she'd not been able to hide, which had caused it – but two eyes of brilliant blue were suddenly wide open again, staring up at her in utter dismay.
"Oh, God, lass, I'm – I'm so sorry…!" Carson whispered, stammering on before Laura could stop him. "In all this maudlin' and – an' feelin' sorry for myself, I – I jus' didnae think how you'd be feelin'... didnae think how all this must ha'e affected ye, and – an' all the worry I've caused ye, an'… an'…"
Now thoroughly tongue-tied, Carson then summed up his flustered frustration as only he could.
"It's – It's jus' that… I – I mean, all this, it's – it's jus' so… jus'... oh – oh, crap…"
Okay, so maybe not quite the way she'd planned to get him to open up and start talking, but – well, through that blessedly familiar curse of dismay, Laura Cadman finally had her breakthrough. And as her relief at hearing it broke across her face, she was determined to make the most of it.
"Oh, crap…? Now I know you're on the mend…" she grinned, gently kissing the tip of his nose – waiting for a hint of those adorable dimples to re-appear before turning more serious to reassure him. "And you've got nothing to apologise for… all you've gotta do right now, baby, is just talk to me…"
Knowing better than to argue, especially when she used that tone of voice, Carson just smiled – nodding in quiet acceptance that his ordeal, however hard and painful, had to be talked through. For his own peace of mind, and Laura's too now, he had to face, and accept, what had been done to him
"I – I know, lass… I know…" he said at last, still pensively studying the arms that held him so gently.
Throughout his ordeal, Carson had yearned for this moment. He'd prayed to be held, just like this. So why did its realisation, to be held and stroked in such gentle intimacy, fill him with such shame…?
Regardless of his still meds-addled mind, it took woefully little effort to work that one out.
'I have many clients who will pay most handsomely for such a healthily productive body as this…'
A 'healthily productive' slave. God, it made his skin crawl, his stomach heave, just to think about it.
What the hell would his new owners have done with him, done to him, to get at that bloody gene...? Drugged him...? Tied him down...? Tortured him, even, to make him co-operate...? Forced him, in ways he could not bring himself to think about, to submit...?
As fresh tremors ran through him, Laura held him gently closer - no easy feat, with stitches and gauze where her hands needed to be to comfort him.
She'd heard all the gory details of Carson's ordeal, of course, from her still quietly enraged CO. And she could see the aftermath of that ordeal, in the bloodied stitches and gauze which still covered his body.
But she was sensing now, in growing unease, that an untold part of it had left him deeply scarred – and not just from the humiliation of being sold into slavery by the very people he'd been sent to help.
More restless fidgeting against her confirmed already uneasy suspicions that it still haunted him – the shaky quietness of Carson's voice only hinting at its extent as he finally re-met Laura's eyes.
"You… um… I – I mean, ye know what… what happened to me, down – down there, with the…? I – I mean, ye – ye know why they took me…? What – What they did with me…?"
Always a firm believer that actions spoke louder than words, Laura just nodded, holding him closer – then holding him closer still, as tightly as she dared, as another telltale tremor rippled through his body
Damn it, what the hell had those slave-trading bastards done to him, down on that planet…?
The answer was so faint, so choked with emotions, that she could barely hear it, let alone understand it. And when that understanding finally registered, it stunned her into horrified, outraged silence
"I – I meant nothin' to them, love… jus – jus' nothin'… they – they didn't even want me as a doctor... they didn't even want me for that… all – all they wanted me for was this bloody gene inside me, an'… an'… an' that's why they took me, lass… jus' – jus' to be... productive… healthily productive…"
In this tumbling flurry of whispered words, two in particular stuck in Laura Cadman's horrified mind.
Productive. Healthily productive.
"Oh, dear God…"
Five minutes. She'd been holding him, as protectively tightly as she'd dared, for the last five minutes. And if, before then, it had felt as if a galaxy divided them… well, now it felt like the entire universe.
Still shaking from what he'd just told her, Carson lay silent in her arms, staring blankly ahead of him – the glassiness in his eyes causing Laura to glance, yet again, towards the distant figure of his deputy. Kate Buchanan had been the soul of discretion all morning, of course, but in Carson's current state – well, one of his own, silently feared 'Sheppard Specials' would come in damn handy right now.
So when a stricken whisper suddenly broke the silence between them, it still sounded unnaturally loud.
"I'm – I'm sorry, love… I – I hate for ye to – to see me like this…"
Mentally scraping herself from the ceiling, Laura then smiled while tenderly kissing his forehead.
"For seeing you like what…?" she asked at last, tracing the gentlest of fingers down Carson's cheek – then sliding it under his chin, tilting his head gently upright so that his eyes had to meet and hold hers.
"Carson, you're the most open, most honest human being I've ever met, and I love you for that. I love you for it. I love you for trusting me enough, baby, to see you like this, to – to help you through it. So how could something I love so much about you ever be seen as something to be sorry for…?"
Simple words, spoken from the heart. The words that Carson Beckett needed so much to hear. And she could tell, just from the hope in his eyes, how preciously close he was to believing them
But there was still another voice in his mind that still refused to release him from its brutal grip. A voice that had ruthlessly mocked him, scorned and derided him. Shattered his self belief, his trust – its legacy still haunting his eyes, still lacing the next tumble of words which finally answered her.
"I – I know, love… I know ye do… an' – an' I love ye too, lass, for – for sayin' that… I – I do, but… but I – I jus' meant nothin' to them, lass… I meant nothin' to them, that's all he kept sayin' to me... I was jus'… jus' some gullible numpty, for him to – to sell on to the highest bloody bidder…"
Beneath her own anger and bitterness, Laura Cadman now felt the first flickers of breakthrough hope. When Carson Beckett started to call people a numpty… well, you knew he was getting mad - no, make that seriously mad. On hearing that word, in that tone, even the fearless John Sheppard tended to hunt for cover.
All silent smiling aside, at least this rambling tirade meant they were finally making some progress. The mortified shame was blessedly lifting now, forced to dissipate by a rising tide of Celtic rage. And if she'd learned one thing as a Marine, it was the usefulness of anger. Properly channelled anger.
Now all she had to do was teach that lesson to the gentlest, kindest, sweetest soul she'd ever met. Well, Laura dryly reflected, if there was one thing she loved in her life, it was a damn good challenge
Inspired by the same words she'd spoken only moments before, she then allowed that smile to widen. Where she loved him for his openness, so Carson loved her just as deeply for her no-nonsense honesty
So some slave-trading lowlife's opinion mattered more than hers, did it…? Well, to hell with that.
"And his opinion matters that much to you…? Does it matter more than mine…?" she asked softly, taking full advantage of the wide eyed silence which followed to push her point very gently home.
"Carson, nothing he could ever say against you, or do to you, could change the way I feel about you. I love you, baby… you're mine… and nothing… nothing, you hear me, will ever change that…"
The slightest of stresses on a handful of words – yet their effect on Carson was contrastingly massive. Eyes of purest blue stared up at her, expressing more emotions than Laura thought she could count.
Astonishment. Gratitude. Relief. Joy. Hope. Even the first precious trace of returning self respect.
Then, without warning, and to Laura's open dismay, they changed once more, brimming with pain – whatever he was struggling, almost desperately, to say to her now lost in a torrent of unstoppable tears
Overwhelmed by Laura's faith in him, his guilt at losing his own, Carson now fell completely apart.
Doing all she could to comfort him, Laura then closed her eyes against her own conflicting emotions – relief for this most precious release crashing against her own guilt at triggering it so suddenly.
But then, wrapping him so very gently closer, her guilt and anger found a more justified target. She had no idea where the Vorans were now, or what kind of penalty they'd face for their crimes. But in the bitter, furious mind of Laura Cadman, even Hell itself was too good a place for them.
He was still trembling slightly, an inevitable legacy from the emotion that had just poured out of him. And those chipmunk cheeks, as she'd so fondly come to call them, were still too gaunt for her liking – still so pale, still damply stained by the tears that Laura now stroked so very gently away from them.
But at least he'd calmed down now, his eyes instinctively turning towards her as they flickered open. And what he'd just so adorably mumbled… well, Laura knew he'd mumbled it with nothing but love.
"You're – You're st'll… st'll spoilin' me, l'ss…"
Watching him try, so bravely, to smile, Laura felt her own widen in both pride and unashamed relief. She'd been about to leave him to sleep, assuming he'd now want to rest and regain his strength, but – well, trust the Pegasus galaxy's feistiest, surprise-a-second Scot to put paid to that idea.
"Yes, baby, I'm still here… and yes, I'm still spoiling you…" she grinned, gently kissing his cheek – leaning closer to nibble his ear, before growling a playfully menacing Mafioso afterthought inside it. "Why…? You got a problem wi' that, sweet-cheeks…?"
Hints of dimples graced those sweet-cheeks as Carson shook his head in wisely rapid denial. He had learned, very early in this wonderful relationship, that you did not mess with Laura Cadman.
Yet even as he smiled back at her, lingering awkwardness refused to grant him him this much needed moment of levity. He wanted so much to share her smile fully, to enjoy the humour she'd tried so hard to bring him. But he just could not do it - his voice turning tellingly quiet once more as he sighed and shook his head.
"No, love, but… I – I jus' thought ye'd be… well, jus' – jus' a wee bit mad at me…"
The expression on that adorable face would keep her in teasing credit for months to come, but – well, until he recovered from this horrific ordeal, Laura soberly realised, that would have to wait.
"You mean what we were talking about just now… what happened to you…?" she asked gently – reassuring him, as Carson nodded through an uncertain wince, with another soft kiss on his forehead.
"Baby, the only person I feel like kicking across the galaxy is the lowlife bastard who did this to you… okay…?"
Waiting until that smile grew stronger, more convincing to her liking, she then smiled back at him, fondly teasing her fingers through his fringe.
"Okay, now we've got that settled… you feel up to talking some more…?"
The response was all she'd hoped for as Carson nodded once more, reaching for the triangle frame above his bed to hoist himself gingerly upright.
Seeing him wince, Laura started to instinctively help him, but then proudly changed her mind. Having been stripped so brutally of his spirit and self respect, she knew that Carson had to do this for himself – his smile of relieved achievement as he finally succeeded truly the best sight she'd seen all week. The return of that feisty independence, his bloody-minded determination, could only be a good sign.
Re-seating herself at his shoulder, the smile then widened at the speed, and eagerness, with which Carson settled himself back into her arms. One of life's natural snugglers, she hadn't playfully dubbed the love of her life 'Cuddles' for nothing.
On the more serious side, at least he was accepting her touch now without flinching or trembling. The terror and shame that had scarred him so deeply was finally easing its grip. Another good sign.
And even as this reflective silence between them continued, Laura resisted the urge to break it just yet. This gentle stroking against his side, it seemed, massaging away his aches and stiffness, was healing him as effectively as any verbal comfort.
If truth be told, this quietly intimate contact between them was laying her own demons to rest too. The thought of him being enslaved into such revolting use of his body had left her privately sickened. So if, for now, he just wanted to let her stroke him like this, gently claiming him back again – well, that was fine with her.
She could so happily touch him like this, stroke him like this, just hold him like this, for hours on end. In fact, she now dreamily reflected, she could so happily hold him like this for the rest of her life. And while too free-spirited to be tied down to old marital traditions, such as losing her family name – oh yes, she had to wistfully admit that Mrs Laura Kathryn Beckett did have a certain ring to it.
Carson had been quiet for so long now that Laura honestly thought he'd drifted back to sleep again – a quietly hesitant voice turning that assumption, and so much more besides, completely on its head.
"L – Laura…? What do ye… um… I – I mean, how… um… how do ye feel about havin' kids…?"
Until now, Laura Cadman had thought she'd faced everything that Marine service could throw at her. Not even this incredible mission, all the life-or-death uncertainty that went with it, had fazed her.
Without an Ancient drone in sight, Carson Beckett had just blown that theory clear out of the water.
She'd dreamed about settling down and having kids, sure… Carson's kids, but… hell, this soon…? Damn it, she was still trying to get her head around the whole Cadman/Beckett surname thing…!
The more she thought about it, though… well, she had to admit, the more appealing it became. A roomful of tufty-haired little Carsons running riot through the city, all as impossibly adorable as their father…? Oh yes, married life with half a dozen baby Becketts was growing more attractive by the second.
"Kids…?" she finally echoed, so sorely tempted to voice the inevitable, frivolous afterthought – the unusual seriousness in his eyes putting that '...ready when you are, Kilt-Boy…' invite on temporary hold.
Remembering his outburst against the gift which, she knew, he silently hated, she then smiled – wrapping him into the hug she'd already sensed he needed as her reply ended in the obvious question.
"So long as they're with you, baby, then yes… yes, of course I want to have kids… why…?"
That won her a slightly easier smile as Carson sighed, pensively fingering their intertwined hands – the nervous uncertainty of his next words sealing Laura's answer before she'd even heard the question
"I do too, love… I - I mean, once I've wooed ye, an' – an' made an honest lassie of ye, of course I do…"
Too distracted to realise why her smile had suddenly widened, he then frowned and shook his head – the quietness of his voice betraying a fear that had always, and now more than ever, haunted him.
"But this… I – I mean, this gene inside me, love, it's – it's goin' to be passed onto them too, an'… well, all my life, lass, this bloody gene, it's jus' caused me nothin' but pain and trouble, an'… an'…"
"I know, baby… and the Vorans tried to sell you into slavery because of it…" Laura cut in softly – taking advantage of the stunned silence that followed to bring those fears gently back into perspective.
"But they failed, baby… because there was something else inside you that they could never take… something stronger, more powerful, more precious, than any genetic link you have to the Ancients…"
Assured by two hope-filled eyes that she had his full attention, she then gently made sure she kept it.
"They couldn't take your spirit, baby, or your courage, because… well, they're just unbreakable, and... and I'm so proud of you, Carson… so proud of you for surviving this… making it back to me…"
That won her another Bambi-eyed stare. And the first precious traces of a returning, hesitant smile.
"Ye – Ye are…? Really...? I – I mean, even wi' what – what they did to me, an'… an' everythin'…?"
Recognising this most precious of breakthroughs, Laura seized it with two very grateful hands.
"Damn straight I'm proud of you…" she grinned, inspired by a surefire way of restoring his pride. "Kicking those Vorans' butts like that…? I doubt old Braveheart himself could have done better. And I gotta tell you, babe, you've got Ronon converted to Glaswegian kissing in one serious big way…"
"I – I have…?" Carson stared at her, in half smiling measures of flattered delight and nervous alarm. Six foot six inches of massive, morose, head-butting Satedan…? It made his own head hurt just to think about it
Laura's next proud, playfully mischievous words almost made it explode clear off his shoulders
"You sure have…and if you pass on just a fraction of that strength and spirit to our kids, baby, then… well, they'll have every bad-ass, no-good alien in the galaxy screamin' away like bloody jessies…"
It hurt like hell, and her accent still needed a wee bit of work, but… well, Carson Beckett didn't care about that. Even as his still tender, stitch-ridden sides ached in protest, it just… God, it just felt so good to laugh.
And even as she fussed and hovered anxiously over him, Laura found herself laughing too – wrapping him into a gentle hug of pure joy and elation, which could only end in one possible way.
The delightful practice for creating those kids would have to wait, of course, for quite a while yet, but – well, until that wonderful time came, just holding him and kissing him like this would suit her just fine
Watching from a discreet, wisely unnoticed distance, John Sheppard smiled a proud, brotherly smile, allowing himself one final protective glance, before stealing away from the Infirmary's doorway as silently as he had come.
It was over. A nightmare that had so nearly ended in an unspeakable tragedy was finally over.
And if what he'd just accidentally happened to overhear beyond those doors was anything to go by – well, life in his city, not to mention an unsuspecting galaxy, was about to get a lot more interesting.