Chapter Four-

Alex was surprised when Marissa just ran off, they seemed to be bonding, Alex had even begun to think that the friendship they had before they'd dated was salvageable. Then Marissa took off.

She chased her, skipping school for the first time since she went back. They ran for at least two miles, Alex calling out the whole way, screaming for Marissa to stop and just talk to her.

Alex felt like she didn't have the right to be chasing her like this, their lives were completely separate, and yet, deep down, she felt as if Marissa needed her, like something was going on with her that she couldn't tell anyone else. So she continued to run.

It wasn't until they reached the beach that Marissa even looked at her, that look, the one Alex had seen only one other time on Marissa's face, the time she'd gotten Ryan's girlfriend drunk. It was a look of disgust; one of self-loathing, Alex hated herself for causing Marissa to feel that way.

She looked around as she stopped running. She noticed where they were and was taken aback slightly. She could remember the moment that she'd fallen for Marissa Cooper; it was in the very spot where Marissa was sitting, the first time they'd kissed.

It was that kiss that had kept Alex going over the past 8 months that they spent apart, knowing that she was in love, knowing she would be no matter what, no matter how hard she tried to forget, nothing could rid Marissa Cooper from her thoughts, her fantasies. It was Valentines day, Valentines night actually, and they sat together, looking out into the ocean, watching and waiting for the tide to turn. She even remembered their conversation after, Marissa's words that she took to heart, loving the sound of them rolling off the tall girl's tongue, 'I'll happily go to hell and back if thats what it takes to be with you.'

Alex walked over to Marissa, looking out at the beautiful, pollution-free, Newport Ocean, seeing the blue-water waves crash against the soft, cream-colored sand. She sat down and told Marissa about how she felt that night, that beautiful Valentines Day night when her life had changed forever. It seemed like yesterday and years earlier all at the same time, she could gasp every detail of that night, the smell of the air, the taste of Marissa's strawberry lips, the feel of the sand, the temperature of the wind, but at the same time, she felt it slipping further and further away from her, like she was about to lose that moment of her life, like it was going to disappear forever. "I'll always love you," she said, looking into Marissa's eyes, glad she had her wrapped attention.

Marissa stared back at her, their eyes locked in a meaningful gaze, trying to say everything they wanted to 8 months earlier. "I shot someone," said Marissa, not looking away from their gaze, confessing her secrets to the blonde, "Ryan's brother in June. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure why I did it. I've been telling myself that I did it to save Ryan; Trey was about to kill him when I pulled the trigger. But…" she trailed off, exhaling loudly, "A few months before, Trey… he tried to rape me, force himself on me… it messed me up. Lately… I've been wondering if that's why I did it, for some kind of twisted revenge. The Dean at my old school asked me if I had any remorse, I told him and everyone that I didn't that I'd do it again in a second, to save Ryan, but I don't think I would… I'm so scared, I feel like I have this dark side, this part of me that's going to snap. I do regret it, the guilt it's… I'm so scared." Tears welled up again and she brought her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and hugging them close, trying to provide comfort and pushing the whole world away at the same time, "I don't want to hurt anyone, Alex."

Alex quickly put an arm around Marissa's shoulders, pulling her in close, trying to provide comfort to her, rubbing her hand up and down Marissa's arm, ignoring the goose bumps it sent up her own arm, "You wont," she whispered into Marissa's ear as she taller girl rested her head on Alex's shoulder, sobbing and brushing her tears away with the back of her hand, "You're a great girl. I knew that when I first got here, when I met you, you were everything I wanted, even from the beginning," she squeezed her slightly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, "You're not dangerous, if anyone here is dangerous, it's me."

She smiled as she heard Marissa chuckle, "You're not dangerous. Those two friends of yours though… they could be dangerous," she said, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Alex smiled as she watched Marissa wipe away another tear and smile sadly, settling into Alex's arms, "You're right, they are dangerous. Lucky I didn't set 'em loose at your bonfire, could've ruined the night,"

"I think it was pre-ruined. We broke-up that night remember, it wasn't a picnic for me either."

Alex rested her head on top of Marissa's inhaling the vanilla scent of her hair, smiling again, "I never said it was," she said quietly, enjoying listening to Marissa's steady breathing, "You know, if you didn't want me to skip town, you should've come home that night, I waited, we could've talked, kept in contact, stayed friends, it would've helped, I wouldn't have had to avoid you for the past six months."

"You shouldn't have. Where are you staying anyway, I know for a fact that you're not at our… your old apartment, I go there all the time, it's empty"

Alex didn't answer right away, pondering her answer, thinking about what she should tell Marissa, if she was ready to be sucked back in by the angel-like creature that was Marissa Cooper, "When I left here, I went straight back to my parents, but they didn't want me, or my mother didn't, said that she was ashamed that she'd raised a lesbian daughter, so I went to Jodie, to ask her if I could stay with her for a while. One night, she got drunk, tried to come onto me, but I'm over her, so I packed up my stuff that night and left. I drove around California for days, just trying to figure out what to do, finally, I ended up here. I went to Daniel, an old friend of mine, asked if I could stay with him, at first that was fun, then it got kind of annoying, living with a friend, so… I moved out, tried to find an apartment, when I couldn't without any money… I asked my parents for money, just to get on my feet, my dad brought me this huge place in Anchorson drive, a couple of blocks from my old place, still in the numbered streets but… it's a borderline mcmansion."

Marissa sighed, "You should've called, you could've stayed with me and my mom, that place is huge, remember."

"Yeah, that would've been awkward."

They sat together in a comfortable silence, looking out at the perfect ocean, watching as the waves rolled in, Alex holding Marissa in her arms.

Marissa was the one to finally break the silence, lifting her head slightly and turning to face Alex, placing a hand on her knee. Alex looked at her instantly, tearing her eyes away from the horizon to look into Marissa's welcoming eyes. She smiled first, tilting her head to the side, "You never left my heat, Alex," she said softly, raising the hand that wasn't resting on her knee and brushing hair out of her own face, "I never wanted you to leave."

Alex smiled back, reaching across her body to take Marissa's hand in her own, watching as Marissa's head rested once again on her shoulder and resting her own her on top of Marissa's, holding her the way she used to, close to her body, warming her heart, "And I never wanted to go."