Incomplete

- Chapter Thirty-One -

Kagome submerged her body in the hot spring's sulphur scented water and waited to feel warm again. She hadn't felt warm since she'd woken up inside the nightmare that'd become her life. Sesshomaru was gone. Rin and Jaken were gone. And her bones were beginning to ache from the cold.

Wrapping her arms around knees, she hugged them tight to her body and let out a shuddering sigh.

Sesshomaru…I miss you so much.

Sesshomaru, Rin and Jaken…they'd become part of her feudal family, and in a single night she'd lost them all. No matter how many tears she shed, there was no escaping the hard truth that it was entirely her fault.

She should have left after the first attack. It'd been a warning, to all of them, and she'd stupidly ignored it. Remembering how she'd brazenly told Sesshomaru that she could take care of herself made her grit her teeth. She'd been such a naive little fool. All those months they were living on borrowed time and it could've been prevented if she hadn't been so selfish.

She could have said 'No' when Sesshomaru suggested she stay. She could have done the "right thing" and made her wish on the Sacred Jewel immediately after Naraku's death and dealt with the consequences of her decision then, but she hadn't.

Instead, she chose to avoid the responsibility that was hers from birth and return with Sesshomaru to the Western Lands. Delaying her wish on the jewel had had nothing to do with making the "right wish" and everything to do with her selfish desire to have more time with him.

She'd followed her heart West and now the man she loved was dead. There was no way to make amends for that kind of mistake or any magic words that could assuage her guilt. Her selfishness had cost her everything and it was a hard toll to pay.

It was easy to lose track of time in the hot spring's steamy waters. She'd been soaking for minutes, or maybe hours, when Inuyasha made his way down the path to check on her. He'd been so good to her, so patient and attentive. It was obvious that he still loved her, which made it all the more painful to listen to his soothing words of comfort.

She didn't deserve his comfort. She didn't deserve anything from him. But he remained dutifully by her side, getting her food and holding her when she woke up screaming in the middle of the night.

Didn't he realize that his kindness would only make it more painful for both of them in the end?

Her mind flashed back to their discussion days earlier-

"Inuyasha! What have you done?"

"I became human."

He said it so calmly it was as if he was explaining why he chose to wear a red haori instead of a blue or green one. She could only gape at him in muted shock. Why would he become human after all this time? Hadn't his entire goal during their quest to find the Shikon Jewel been to turn into a full demon?

When she asked him as much he'd merely shrugged.

"Becoming a full demon meant that I would lose everyone I cared about. Without you, Sango and Miroku and the others I'm nothing. It'd be worthless to become a full demon if it meant I ended up alone."

"But why? Why would you do it?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he'd said, taking her hands in his. "I did it for us, Kagome. I want to start a life with you, here."

She'd stared at him in wide-eyed silence.Trying to side-step his comment, she vocalised one of the many pressing questions making the rounds in her mind.

"What about Kikyo? What does she think of all this?"

"Kikyo's gone," he'd admitted quietly. "She disappeared with the Shikon Jewel when she used it to change me into a human."

He shook his head as if to shake off her memory and fisted his hand against his thigh. His voice was strong when he said, "I buried her a long time ago."

Kagome turned away and tried to hide her face. She couldn't bear to see the affection for her in his eyes. His human heart had softened his attitude and his words. She felt shameful and dirty, like she'd used him somehow.

'If I'd known all of this before, would I still have left?' she asked herself.

'Probably,' she admitted without hesitation.

She would never regret going with Sesshomaru, but the guilt threatened to eat her alive. Why did he have to love her so much? Why did he have to be so kind to her after what she'd done to him?

Kagome hid her face, refusing to speak any more. After several moments of waiting patiently, Inuyasha had finally conceded defeat and moved to the corner of the hut where he slept on guard as always.

She cried herself to sleep that night, and every night afterwards, her dreams haunted by images of the man she loved dying before her eyes.

Kagome turned away from the shoreline and listened to the soft crunch of the snow as he lowered himself to the ground.

"You okay? You've been gone a while," he said, his voice sounding like quiet calm.

"Just been thinking," she confessed, making her best effort to sound far more collected than she felt. Eager for a distraction, she splashed some water up her arms and then onto her face to wash off the tears.

"You been cryin'?"

Knowing that he couldn't smell her tears anymore was a minor relief. It meant she could grieve in private without him hounding her with questions, but it didn't mean he couldn't still smell a lie when he heard one. She'd always been a terrible liar and unfortunately it hadn't gotten any easier with age.

Biting her lip, she chose to say nothing and he exhaled his disappointment with a sharp sigh.

Behind her the water splashed quietly and then his arms were around her, the cloth of the fire rat rough against her over-heated skin. He held her like that, just quiet, with his forehead resting against the back of her head until she finally gave in and relaxed against him. He held her close as silent sobs racked her body and placed a soft kiss against her naked shoulder.

"I hate it when you cry."

"I hate having an audience," she snapped, feeling her patience for conversation wearing thin. Her mood was all over the place these days - crying one minute, raging at him in the next. Luckily, he seemed to take it all in stride.

"I wanna help. Tell me what I can do."

Her body felt weak in his embrace. It hurt. His kindness, his touch; she felt raw to the point where even his words hurt.

I'm not strong enough to survive this alone,she realized. Not strong enough by a long shot.

In a perfect world it all simply disappear – the heartache, the tears, the empty longing that filled her chest, but her world was far from perfect and she couldn't endure it any longer.

"Please," she whispered, her voice half pleading, half sobbing, "make it go away. I can't live like this...! How can anyone live like this?"

At her words, Inuyasha turned her by the shoulders to face him. There was understanding in his expression and sympathy, too. He'd been here before, she realized. He knew what that emptiness felt like and just how deep it could go.

Caressing her face gently with one hand, he used the other to pull her in close and placed a soft, chaste kiss against her lips.

She felt like she was lost at sea, her body being tossed back and forth by the tumultuous waves, and he was the only one who could keep her from drowning. She clung to him, desperate, hoping against all hope that he could save her. She wanted so badly to be saved.

Moving carefully, he lifted her into his arms and carried her to the snow covered bank. There he removed his jacket and pulled it over her shoulders to keep out the cold. She watched while he grabbed her clothes up from the shore where she'd carelessly tossed them into the snow and wondered what she'd ever done in her life to deserve such a good friend.

"Come on," he said, gathering her up in his arms once more, "let's head back. I'm sure Kaede's got something warm cooking away in her pot."

She couldn't find the strength to argue so she relented and rested her head against his shoulder, content to let him carry her back. It was wrong and it was selfish but just for now his touch kept her from feeling so painfully alone and she couldn't bear to give it up.