Incomplete

- Chapter Thirty-Seven -

Inuyasha didn't return to the village that day. Or the next. Or the day after that. By the fourth day without any sight of him Kagome began to grow concerned for his welfare. While he'd eventually recovered enough to leave the spot where they'd left him in the forest, there was no telling how hard Jaken had hit him on the head. What if he was concussed? Or lying unconscious somewhere deeper in the forest with a fractured skull?

"Do you think he's all right?" Kagome asked as she poked at the glowing embers in the hearth with a stick.

Kaede exhaled a tired sigh, "I have no doubt of it. He may be older than ye or I, but Inuyasha is like a child when it comes to his understanding of human emotions. His pride remains wounded and he knows he hurt ye deeply. He likely wants to apologize but does not know how, so stays away."

Kagome's lips pressed together and she gave a soft 'hmph' before setting down her stick.

"Where is he hiding?"

The old miko added a handful of herbs to the pot of boiling water sitting atop the embers. "Not far," she answered nonchalant. "Inuyasha is a creature of habit after all, even in his human form."

Kagome nodded and turned her eyes toward the door. "Do you think I should go look for him? I'm not ready to forgive him, but I want to make sure he's okay..."

"Do not feel as if ye need to do anything, child. This is a decision only ye can make when ye are ready."

She nodded her head and inhaled a deep breath to steel her resolve, "Right. I'm going to go find him. If I'm not back in one hour, tell Jaken to come find me."

The aging miko's grey head gave a quiet nod of assent and Kagome headed for the door. She paused with her hand on the door covering and eyed the bow and quill of arrows within arms reach. She hesitated, considering whether to take them with her, but with a shake of her head decided against it. Instead she departed unarmed, with fists clenched anxiously at her sides, and set off in search of Inuyasha.

oOo

Kagome closed her eyes, counted slowly back from ten, and then let out the breath she'd been holding. The moment she came out from behind the tree she was currently hiding behind she would be face-to-face with the boy she'd once loved, someone she'd once thought of as her best friend, and the stranger who'd nearly destroyed all of that with one selfish act.

Until this moment she'd been confident in her ability to cope, so sure that she would be okay, but being this close to him again wasn't anything she could've prepared for. Before this moment her mind had raced with all kinds of noble ideas about how she'd read him the riot act or punch him square in the face. The thought was tempting, but when it mattered most her courage faltered. She couldn't even find the strength to come out from behind a tree to look him in the eye.

Her heart rammed against her rib cage, its rhythm echoing panic in her ears. It was the only thing she found herself able to focus on until another sound caught her attention; the soft scrape and clack of wooden logs being piled atop one another. She glanced tentatively around the wide berth of the tree's trunk and watched Inuyasha quietly go about collecting logs and branches to build a fire.

One wayward piece of wood lingered near her foot, calling out to her. Uttering a quiet sigh she bent down to pick it up. Its solid weight was reassuring in her hand. The feel of the bark against her skin brought her back to herself.

She'd survived. She'd exceeded every expectation of her and then some. She'd fought and killed Naraku. She'd dealt with more drama and danger in her life than most people ever see and she'd survived. She didn't know how to give up. Somehow she would survive this too.

Rounding the tree, she came out from the safety of her hiding spot. Inuyasha froze, his brows raised in surprise at the sight of her. She held out the log in her hand to him and waited for Inuyasha to take it. He did, hesitantly, and added it to the pile in his arms.

"Uh, thanks," he muttered and turned away to deposit the armload of logs and sticks next to his make-shift fire pit.

Now that she was looking at him up close, she saw what she hadn't been able to before. She'd expected to see a monster but what stood before her was the boy she knew, his features awash with pain and regret.

"I'm glad you're okay," he said quietly. He was careful to keep his distance, she noticed. And he had trouble meeting her eyes with his.

"Yeah, you too," she replied, her voice sounding unnaturally high and tight to her ears.

"Look, Kagome, I..." Inuyasha paused and swallowed hard. Kagome watched his hand fidget at his sides, fingers clenching and un-clenching into fists. Haltingly, he tried again. "I'm sorry. I never should have..."

He let out a heavy sigh, clearly frustrated by his inability to express his thoughts eloquently. Keeping his eyes averted and his fists clenched tight at his side he added, "Look, I understand if you can't forgive me and don't ever wanna see me again. If that's what you want I promise I'll stay away from the village. You'll never have to see me again."

She regarded him thoughtfully, carefully weighing his words. If she told him now that's what she wanted, for him to leave the village and never return, she knew that he would. He would sentence himself to a life of solitude if it meant atoning for what he'd done. But was that what she truly needed from him?

In her heart she knew words alone were not enough. His "Sorry" couldn't erase her memories of that day or take away the fear that lingered when she stood alone with him in this space. "Sorry" couldn't bring them back to what they'd been before. It was then that she realized nothing he could ever say or do would be sufficient because there was no going back. This was how things stood and this was how they were going to be. Their relationship would always be different now, and it was difficult to not harbour feelings of resentment towards him because of that.

"I talked to Kaede about what happened," Inuyasha said. "What I did, I mean..." he amended quickly.

The old miko's words circled through his mind, "Ye tried to control her and force her to love ye but that is not love, Inuyasha. She is Sesshomaru's mate and the sooner ye accept this fact the better off ye both will be."

Kaede was right, of course. He'd known it then and he knew it now. But it seemed like all he could feel these days were the darkest of emotions. Anger, betrayal, resentment…they festered within his heart and made it impossible to see things rationally. He'd never been this bad as a half demon. Or, had he? He'd asked himself that question every day since he'd tried to attack Kagome. He didn't know who he was anymore, who he'd become. He only knew that the demon he'd always feared felt too close to the surface for comfort. If he was going to make a change, if he was going to do better, it had to be now. He couldn't afford to put off confronting it any longer.

"I thought I was gonna lose you and I couldn't handle it," he admitted. "I just wanted...I wanted things to go back to how they used to be, ya know?"

When she said nothing, he sighed softly and wearily rubbed a hand across his face.

"I've had nightmares about it," he confessed. "It feels like it was someone else, like a different person took over my body and just..."

"I've had nightmares about it too," she interjected, her voice taking on a hard edge. "It wasn't someone else who hurt me, Inuyasha. You were supposed to be my friend. I never, ever, would have thought you would attack me! How could you do it?"

Her words were unforgiving and they made him go quiet.

It was excruciating to speak those words, to remember that day, to be here with him at all, but they both needed this conversation to happen if they were ever going to move on with their lives.

Inuyasha hung his head and confessed, "One minute I thought you were leaving me for good and the next I was…" He stopped suddenly and she heard him suck in a sharp, uneven breath. There was a quiet rustle as he rubbed at his cheek with his sleeve.

"I think I thought...that if I claimed you as mine he wouldn't want you anymore and you'd have to stay. Pretty stupid huh?"

"Yeah, it was," she answered coolly. "Would you have actually done it?" she demanded with her hands on her hips.

"What?! No!" he protested, his eyes going wide.

"If Jaken hadn't been there to stop you, would you have gone through with it?" she pressed.

Inuyasha forced his palms against his eyes, blocking out the daylight as a shiver of revulsion shook him. After a tense moment he lowered his hands and his eyes were slow to meet hers.

"Yeah...maybe-maybe I would have."

Kagome went quiet. The horror of that knowledge would linger with her for a long time, long after this conversation was over. Knowing why he'd done it didn't make it right, or make her trust him again, or repair anything between them, but it brought her the closure she'd needed. With the 'why' answered, she could finally begin the long, slow process of healing.

"I've never been so disappointed in you," she said quietly.

He nodded at her words and uttered a defeated sigh before crouching down to arrange the pile of logs and sticks into proper formation in the fire pit.

"Inuyasha, do you even want me to forgive you?" she asked.

His hands slowed and she saw the shudder that shook his frame. "I don't deserve it," he answered softly.

"I didn't ask what you deserve, I asked what you want."

His jaw stubbornly clenched shut and he focused on stacking the wood in the fire pit for a long moment.

"I wanna earn your trust back," he said eventually, his voice low and serious. "I know it's gonna take time. It might even take the rest of my life, but I'm okay with that. I'll work however hard I have to 'til the day comes when you feel like you can trust me again. I don't want any kinda forgiveness 'til then."

"Alright," she said slowly, relieved that she didn't have to give him any sort of answer just yet. She may have asked if he wanted her forgiveness, but she was a long way from feeling ready to give it.

Their gazes met and he held hers for the first time that day. The moment was fleeting though. Within the space of two heartbeats he'd lost his nerve and looked away.

"Thank you," he said quietly. "You didn't have to come lookin' for me."

A quiet moment passed between them. Inuyasha resumed setting up his fire and Kagome caught sight of the sun setting through the trees. It wouldn't be long before Jaken came looking for her. That was one encounter she was all too happy to avoid.

"It's getting late," she said with a nod in the direction of the village. "Will you walk back with me?"

Inuyasha's head shot up with a look of surprise and he slowly rose to his feet. "Sure," he replied, his tone awash in disbelief.

He fell in step beside her but was careful to keep a measure of distance between them, as much as the trees on either side of the narrow path would allow. They walked in silence, the forest alive with the sounds of birds and animals all around them. By the time they emerged from the tree line at the edge of the village the sun was already beginning to set over the barren rice fields.

Inuyasha's feet slowly drew to a halt. "I don't know if I can do this," he confessed quietly.

She knew immediately what he meant. Sango, Miroku, Kaede, Shippo, even Jaken and Rin were all waiting in the village. He would eventually need to face them to make amends for what he'd done, but she could see the trepidation written clearly across his features. As a human his emotions always ran so close to the surface. There was no filter to hide them, no way to disguise how he felt. She could see his paralyzing fear clear as day and empathized with him a little.

"Might as well get it over with," she suggested with a shrug of her shoulders. "Like ripping off a band-aid. You owe them an explanation at least."

"Yeah," he answered softly, "I know."

He pulled in a heavy sigh and let it out slowly before taking his next step. He walked next to her with his shoulders tense, bracing for the worst. But his feet continued forward, one step after another. It would be a long while before things felt normal between them all again, but this was a good first step. Hopefully the first of many.