This is my first attempt at strictly humor, so please bear with me. I hope you enjoy it. If you have any suggestions, I would love them!
As always, Harry Potter does not belong to me. I am not JKR, if I was, would I be writing fanfics?
"He's mine!" Hermione yelled.
"No way! You already have a boyfriend!" Ginny yelled back.
"How many times do I have to freaking tell people – RON AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER!" Hermione screamed.
"Hermione, what are you yelling about?" Harry asked, stepping into the Ginny's room that she was sharing with Hermione.
"Ginny is trying to steal my guy!" Hermione said, nearly crying.
"Ginny wants to go out with me?" Ron asked, looking disgusted.
"Ron, why do you think that we're going out? WHY DOES EVERY SINGLE BLOODY PERSON THINK THAT I WOULD EVER BE WITH RONALD FREAKING WEASLEY?" Hermione screamed once again.
"First off, my middles name's Billius, not Freaking," Ron pointed out. "And I thought, as well as every single person that read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, that we were an item."
"Harmony shippers are still debating it Ron. Though JKR's interview with TLC and Mugglenet did make it seem as though you two are together," Harry refuted Ron's claim.
"I don't care what the author wrote, I love someone else," Hermione asserted.
"I love him more!" Ginny chimed in.
"I knew him first!" Hermione mentioned.
"I didn't get to meet him until after you did! That doesn't give me any less right to him!"
Ron looked at Hermione in shock. He could have shown that they were together, but now she was in love with someone else. "Well, I'm just going to go play Quidditch and fall off my broom, because no one seems to care about me," Ron interrupted the girls.
"Sure, knock yourself out," Hermione replied, then turned back to her argument with Ginny.
"Make sure you're up fairly high before you fall off; you'll die on impact rather than from injuries, so you'll have less suffering," Harry advised his friend.
"At least one person cares about me!" Ron yelled, trying to make Hermione feel bad, but she just ignored him. So Fred and George discovered Ron several hours later when they went to practice Quidditch, face down and dead.
"Why did he have to do that here? It will take forever for that crater to fill in," Fred remarked. "Oh well, how about a one on one match?"
"Sounds good," George replied.
Back at the house, Harry gets bored listening to the girls argue. He realizes that Ron's idea was probably the best. "I'm going to go find Voldemort and tell him to kill me, just to get me out of this agony," Harry decided.
"Okay, I hope it's quick," Ginny replied.
"Well, it should be, if he uses the Avada Kadavra curse!" Hermione points out.
"No one like a Know-It-All, Hermione. That's why he's going to chose me!" Ginny tossed her hair to assert her beauty.
"Oh no he won't!"
Harry apparated to Voldemort's hideout, which wasn't hard to find, considering there was a big sign outside saying "VOLDEMORT'S HIDEOUT! DEATH EATERS, NEW AND OLD, ENTER. ORDER OF THE PHOENIX MEMBERS NOT WELCOME. NO TRESPASSING, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A SPY (cough SNAPE cough) DELIVERY BOYS (OR GIRLS, I'M NOT SEXIST) DROP THE GOODS ON THE SIDEWALK AND I'LL LET YOU LIVE. (I may even give you a puppy) AND HARRY POTTER IS NOT THE CHOSEN ONE, THAT IS ANAKIN SKYWALKER, MY HERO. (When he was Darth Vader, at least)
That's a very long sign if you ask me, Harry thought. "Hey Voldie, can I come in?" he shouted to his nemesis.
Voldemort came to the front door with a fuzzy pink bathrobe on and curlers on his head. "Oh, Harry Potter, my arch-enemy. What brings you here today?"
"I'm just sick of life right now, and I've decided I just want to die. Will you kill me?" Harry pleaded for the Dark Lord to grant his wish.
"I'm kind of busy today. Can you come back on," Voldemort consulted a planner, "Tuesday the 17th?"
Harry also took out a planner. "How does 10:00 am sound?"
"10:30 is a better time," Voldemort replied.
"Okay, 10:30 it is," Harry agreed, and wrote the information in his planner. "Okay, well, I hope your plans go well."
"Yes, I'm having lunch with the Death Eaters. We're going to discuss the best way to take over Hogwarts, then deliver the puppies to the delivery boys and girls."
"Oh, can I come to? I've always wanted to meet the Death Eaters in person. Please?" Harry made puppy dog eyes to try to get his way.
"Oh, fine, I guess you can come. But you don't get a puppy," Voldemort folded under the eyes.
"Okay," Harry said, and skipped off to meet the Death Eaters with Voldie, the latter still in his bathrobe.
"Hey Voldie, why do you have curlers on your head?" Harry asked.
"I'm trying to get my hair to curl," he replied.
Back at the Burrow
"Why don't we let him settle this? He can decide who he wants to be with," Hermione finally came to a semblance of order.
"Fine," Ginny agreed. So Hermione summoned… Draco Malfoy.
"You guys are in love with Draco Malfoy?" Ron's ghost asked, extremely pissed that he was replaced with the slimy haired git.
"Of course not," Ginny replied. "We just need to vent our anger on someone other than each other." With that, Hermione and Ginny began hexing Draco left and right, and all he could do was to stand shocked as the two girls beat him to a pulp.
"Now that that's over," Hermione remarked. Ginny then summoned… Peter Pettigrew.
"Guys, Peter and I were just reconnecting," Harry whined, magically appearing with Wormtail. "And, does that mean you like Peter? Gross, he's like, ancient."
"No, we just need someone to practice our lines on," Hermione answered. She and Ginny then started to use every cheesy pick-up line and flirt they could think of. Peter blushed dramatically at everything.
"Okay, I think we're ready," Ginny said. Hermione nodded, and she summoned… Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
"Oh, he's here to check out your outfits, right?" Fred and George, returned from their Quidditch game, asked.
"No, I'm here to get my girl," Barney replied. He swept Hermione into his large arms, and promptly started snogging.
"My life is over," Ginny sobbed, then jumped out the window. Unfortunately, unlike Ron, she hadn't fallen far enough, and so she laid on the ground for two hours before she died.
No one was really concerned, because how much does anyone really care about Ginny? Fred and George started coming up with new inventions, while Harry rejoined the Death Eaters, including a traumatized Draco and extremely bashful Wormtail. Ron's ghost decided to go to Hogwarts, where he could be with more of his own kind, and ended up getting married and having ghost children with Moaning Myrtle. And Hermione and Barney continued to make out until the "I love you" song came on.
THE END
A/N: Okay, so this fic came about very randomly. My child development class was learning about memory and some of the processes involved with it. As part of an activity to understand it better, my professor listed 19 random people, including Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, Barney, Mickey Mouse, Michael Jordan, and others. (I do remember more, I just don't think you want to hear the entire list.) When he asked us different methods we used to remember all nineteen people, one person said that they connected different people in unique ways, and used the example of Hermione making out with Barney. The second I heard that, this fic started forming in my mind. I hope you enjoyed it. Now review!