Chapter 8;Total eclipse of the heart
Author: Hyyp chick
Pairing:Obi/Ani
Rating:R I think
Disclaimer:George Lucas owns Star Wars and I apologise for what I have done to his characters
Summary:Obi-wan and Anakin reflect on how their lives have brought them to where they are now, and how they are coping without each other. In the beginning I never set out to re-write 'Clones' and 'Sith' but it's turning out that way isn't it? Forgive me.
Warnings:Drug use and adultery
Obi-wan lay on his camp bed in his tent in the middle of a dusty plain on some red rocky planet. Battle would commence in the morning but for now it was night time and Obi-wan couldn't sleep. These days he could rarely sleep.
He had been demoted in rank within the Order, he was no longer on the council due to the revelations about his affair with Anakin. He didn't feel at all aggrieved though, he was lucky to still be a Jedi. The whole Temple knew of his circumstance and his new path of learning. Learning to be a proper Jedi, the way Qui Gon had taught him to be. And learning not to love Anakin. As if.
He had put up with the looks and sneering for almost three months before he had requested an away mission. He'd been sent to command troops in the outer rim, and he had been in battle now for six months.
Here in the outer rim with no other Jedi to judge and scrutinize him he could still be honest with himself about his feelings for Anakin.He loved the boy, and it didn't matter what the council said or did that would never change.
He had been forced to remove Anakin's things from his apartment and set them up in alien quarters on a different level of the Jedi accommodation to his own. Master Windu had apparently informed Anakin of the change in one of his weekly reports, Obi-wan had been prohibited from contacting Anakin personally, and the council were in the habit of intercepting all of his communications. Consequently he hadn't spoken to the man he loved in nine months. And as desperate as he was to inquire after Anakin's well being he dare not ask the council for news of him. He had convinced them that the affair had only manifested itself in the last few months instead of the years they had actually spent as lovers, and that their attraction was purely physical. No attachment. Yeah right.
It was in this time, at night, alone as he was that he allowed himself to indulge in Anakin. To begin with, just after Anakin had left for Naboo, he had focused on all the anxiety, all the things unsaid. Then he had meditated on these negatives and got them out of his system. Then he began to daydream about all the good times with Anakin. He created a montage in his mind, something to keep him going. Something that made him fight a little harder on the battle field because there was hope that if he fought hard enough and lived long enough he would be able to return home a hero and Anakin would be there and they could be together again. In all the time he had known Anakin they had never been apart for this long and they had always been able to talk to one another. It was killing Obi-wan just a little bit more every day.
As he lay there peering out to the stars that splattered the sky he thought about their last days on Coruscant together. He had not even been able to say 'goodbye' or 'I love you'. Their last coition had been in that elevator and then following something so completely fantastic Anakin had done something so blatantly damning. He had, quite nonchalantly, snorted the drug Erythroxyline (ETL or Roxy to the slang tongue)right in front of him. There was a highly prevalant drugs culture on the lower levels of Coruscant and Obi-wan reasoned that it wouldn't be all to difficult for a Jedi to pull a mind trick on a dealer to acquire some. But by his own admission Anakin had been taking the stuff for months without Obi-wan's knowledge or suspicion, so why display his illegal recreational activity right then at that moment in the elevator?
Obi-wan had taken it as a personal insult at first. As if Anakin had been affirming just how much Obi-wan had failed him. But during meditation rationalisation had brought him to the conclusion that Anakin had been crying out for help. He had thought the the 'problems' Anakin had referred to had been the results of his Mother's rejection and the loss of his arm, but in retrospect Anakin had been holding back, wanting to confess himself to Obi-wan but not quite finding the nerve to and then their time had ran out. What had been so wrong with the boy? That was the question that had been mercilessly chipping away at Obi-wan for the long months of his love's exile.
Dawn was on its way but the sun had yet to penetrate and Obi-wan shivered. He pulled another blanket around himself and idly thought about what Anakin would be like if he were here on this mission. Early into the night he would have begun to complain about the cold. He would have tossed and turned and curled up into a tight ball heavily laden with blankets, exaggerating his shivering and clattering his teeth until Obi-wan would invariably give into his 'take me to bed or lose me forever' eyes and invite him beneath his own covers. There Anakin would have snuggled into his Master's chest, their breathing taking only seconds to match. His gloved arm would have surrounded Obi-wan in a protective, loving death grip and they would have fallen asleep as Obi-wan stroked the curls and waves in his lover's hair.
Obi-wan was suddenly more aware of being alone. He bit his lip and fluttered his eyes and breathed deeply to prevent the onset of an outflowing of emotion. He missed Anakin so much. He dreaded the onslaught of morning, when he would have to get up. When he would have to fight another day without Anakin by his side to defend and protect him.
He routed into his pouch on his utility belt and pulled out the object of his search. He ran it through his fingers and stroked it against the coarse skin of his cheek. It still smelt of him even after all this time. Anakin's Padawan braid. Obi-wan hadn't been there to see him knighted but on his return Anakin had given him the braid and they had made love as men.
Obi-wan missed the sex but not nearly as much as he missed just having Anakin there. He couldn't even bring himself to jerk off, it never helped, it only made his longing for Anakin worse.
He wondered, and not for the first time, if he would actually ever see Anakin again. Would Obi-wan die in battle on this God forsaken world? would Anakin die to protect the Senator? And what if they did make it home to Coruscant? Would the Jedi continue to let them serve once the war was over? Would they be able to spend time with one another in the Temple or would the council prevent this? Would they ever work together again? Would Anakin still love him? Could Obi-wan ever make Anakin happy?
At that moment his life seemed too much of a struggle to live. What if all the 'what ifs' went against him? How could Obi-wan cope? He had been more than content within his life, with Anakin he had been happy. He couldn't face returning to Coruscant and not having his love, and if he couldn't have Anakin he'd prefer to be dead.
Freedom to Obi-wan wasn't the ending of this war, his prison was living his life without Anakin by his side.
Anakin lay outstretched naked on the bed. He was puffing on a cylindrical baton filled with carcinogenic properties. Another drug. The remnants of his previous fix, a coarse intravenous mixture of ETL and opium lay on the bedside table.
It helped him to stomach her.
He had long since enjoyed the sex. It came only now with guilt or loss of feeling altogether. Like this morning.
It had been different on Coruscant. The first time she had seduced him he had been crying. She had lain her arms around him and held him. Then she had stirred something into his brandy and all of the pain had gone away. His lazy eyes had watched her undress and he had complied when she had gone to undress him. He had yielded to her will when she had climbed on top of him and felt immeasurable calm upon his release. When he had returned to Obi-wan that morning he was free from his depression and the warm serenity that flowed through him replaced the guilt he should have felt.
This morning he'd thrown up after waking with her. He was but a disgusting shell of Anakin. Obi-wan's Anakin. The speedball had been quick in coming.
Back on Coruscant he never believed he was cheating on Obi-wan. She was his friend, she helped him when he needed help. He just found himself in need of a lot of help. And she kept finding ways to ease his pain, narcotics that kept him from remembering his problems, his self, his only love. When Mace Windu had confronted him and Obi-wan had believed in his guilt he had stood there and lied to them all. The holo image cut out before he had followed her to the bedroom and rode her like the whore that she was. His whore. That's all she ever was to him. And the drugs were part and parcel, it was what made it all alright. Now they were the only thing preventing him from flicking on his 'saber and turning the lights out permanently.
Lying to Obi-wan had been heart wrenching but ignorance, he had decided, was bliss and he didn't want to lose Obi-wan. He was truly in love with him, he would fight for him at any cost. That is why he had murdered that bounty hunter. He had taunted Anakin with the knowledge he had of his affair with the Senator. He'd said he had recordings, images.
She rolled over and kissed his cheek, teasing a light finger over his chest. He swatted her away angrily and sitting over the edge of the bed he flung the butt into the bin, then took a long swig of Nubian whiskey from the bottle poised next to his narcotic paraphernalia. He pulled on a pair of sleep pants, stood up, and threw an open shirt over his shoulders before storming out onto the balcony. He heard the baby cry but he ignored it. He always ignored it. One started the other off and it drove him insane. He did up the buttons on his shirt and thundered down the marble steps into the garden. He took up residence on the water's edge and threw stones into the lake.
He wanted Obi-wan back. He wanted everything to be the way it was before their duel with Dooku. The Sith had ruined everything.
Palpatine was a Sith Lord. Anakin knew. Anakin had known since the mission on Tatooine, the bounty hunter had told him so. He'd confronted the Chancellor on his return to Coruscant but Palpatine's saccharin words had sated him. He knew things about Anakin, he knew how much he loved Obi-wan but how the Jedi council would react if they ever found out. He also knew about Padme and their 'relationship'. Palpatine had bought Anakin's silence with sugar coated blackmail. He had promised Anakin a powerful position in his new empire when he acquired it, and he had promised him the life of his Love and freedom to flaunt him at his every whim. He'd also promised to keep Padme's pregnancy secret from the Order and from Obi-wan. Anakin hadn't even known himself when he'd said it. All Palpatine needed was for Anakin to stay out of the war until he had gained enough control over certain systems to dictate the senate. Anakin had agreed. He'd do anything not to have to hide his love for Obi-wan.
Palpatine was a friend of Padme's from her days as Queen of Naboo and she had confided the details of her pregnancy to him, even before she had told Anakin, and between them they had devised a way to grant her wishes. She wanted Anakin. But she was starkly aware that Anakin didn't want her. He was a Jedi after all, incapable of attachment. She was just a ride for him and he would never leave Coruscant of his own free will, not for her. Not even for the sake of his unborn children.
Palpatine had informed Anakin that in order to keep Padme's pregnancy a secret she had to return to Naboo. The Jedi would give him and Obi-wan the assignment to protect her and all they would have to do was remain on the planet until peace resumed. Or oppression ruled, depending on your point of view. It would be up to Anakin to explain Padme's pregnancy to Obi-wan. Maybe he could tell the truth for a change, but his mind was already concocting the lie. Only the Jedi council had 'somehow' found out about the knight's love affair with the Master and given him the mission alone.
For nine months he had put up with her whingeing and nagging and niggling at him to marry her. He refused. I mean he was still a Jedi, a piss poor one undoubtedly but he was one, and really the annoying little bitch irritated the fuck out of him. He wasn't ready to marry for the sake of the children even with his Mother's last words haunting him. He wanted Obi-wan. He was fucking gay. How fucking stupid was she not to notice?
The children had been born two months ago. He'd been there with her, he felt he might regret it if he hadn't been. In truth he did love the children but he couldn't deal with them, they epitomised everything he didn't want out of life. His life epitomised everything he didn't want out of life. Except for Obi-wan. That part he'd keep. And possibly the lightsaber.
All of this little head fuck had been going through Anakin's mind in the elevator. That's what had pushed him to take the drug. If he hadn't it would have all come spilling out of him. Better Obi-wan discovered his secret drug use than his secret knocked up whore, his secret murder, his secret pact with the devil, or his secret that he himself had frigged the lift to break down to make them appear late for an assignment they were never meant to make, so Padme would have her reason to disappear to Naboo and he his excuse to keep out of Palpatine's takeover plans.
He contemplated drowning himself in the cool clear water of the Naboo lake. Obi-wan would be better off without him. Obi-wan deserved better than him. And he was now putty in Palpatine's palm. Palpatine would have to slaughter all of the Jedi, save Obi-wan and himself, to secure his transition to Emperor. Anakin knew this and yet he idly sat in his garden on Naboo waiting for it to happen. Some fucking Jedi. And he'd be better off without her, with her sickening infatuation she professed as love. And the kids? They'd just be better off without each other. He wasn't much of a Father and they didn't fill his void.
But he wouldn't drown himself, just like he wouldn't do everyone a favour and run himself through with his own lightsaber, he was too much of a fucking coward. And he'd never get to hold Obi-wan again, or kiss his sweet lips and make love. No, he wouldn't give into his suicidal neurosis, and he wouldn't grow any balls and stand up to be counted as the fucking good Jedi his abilities suggested he had the potential to be. He would go back up to the house, pump his veins full of the shite that made him not give a fuck and pretend to be able to stand the sight of her just as she pretended that he felt anything for her and they, together, would watch over the two bastardized mistakes that trapped them in this nightmare.