Disclaimer: I still do not own Supernatural or the lovely Winchesters.
Warning: Some language – the boys don't really watch their mouths when they're angry – and some disturbing thoughts. This chapter is intense, guys - but this is definitely NOT a deathfic!
A/N: There's a slight reference to my story 'Seven Days' in this chapter. You don't have to read it to understand what's going on, but it'll help.
Chapter Twenty Two
Last time on 'I Wanna Know Why'…
"Why are you doing this? What do you want from us?" Sam demanded.
"You know exactly what I want from you, Sammy." It deadpanned.
"Tell me what you want from Dean!" Sam screamed.
"He pissed me off!" the Demon snapped. Sam blinked. It took a moment for the words to sink. He blinked again, frowning.
"What?"
"Oh, come on, Sammy, your brother must have pissed off half of Creation, you can't be that surprised." The Demon said coolly.
"Because he killed your kids?" Sam asked in a small voice. The lights around them flickered, some never coming back on, and the room grew darker. Sam's heart was pounding hard against his chest. He didn't need to look at the Demon to feel the waves of anger emanating from it.
"And he will suffer for that." The Demon promised ominously.
"But that didn't happen five years ago!" Sam said a moment later, "It happened seven months ago!"
"Oh, he pissed me off long before that." The demon said in a quiet, lethal voice. "He pissed me off twenty eight years ago!" Sam frowned. It didn't add up.
"But… Twenty eight years ago he was just…" and then it clicked. "Oh." He added in a small voice. Well, he certainly did not see that coming, Sam thought to himself with a sigh, just leave it to Dean to piss off a demon at the tender age of six months. Good ole Dean, never fails to get on someone's nerves…
"No one escapes me. No one." the Demon said darkly.
"Actually, my brother did. Twice, now that I think about it. Oh, wait, I guess it was more than that!" Sam could feel the grin making its way to his face. His brain told him that being pinned to a wall, unable to move, with no weapon that would harm the Demon and with it standing right there, smiling was probably not the smart thing to do. But he couldn't help it. It was just so Dean…
"Maybe." The Demon scowled, "But not for long. Not anymore. You're going to take care of that."
Sam startled awake, breathing hard. He was soaked in sweat, his long hair clinging to his forehead. He blinked a couple of times, trying to get rid of the images that have been plaguing his sleep for the past week and a half. Seeing Lynn die like that brought it all back.
He was dreaming about Jess again, but it wasn't just her this time. He was dreaming about his mother and about Lynn too, and even about Sarah. If the Demon went after Lynn just because she was seeing him, what would stop it from going after Sarah, too? And every other woman he ever met, will ever meet. Sam couldn't take it. He couldn't take the blame, the guilt, the pain.
"You know, this has got to stop." Dean said in a soft voice. Sam blinked a couple more times, turning away from his brother.
"I'm fine." He protested.
"Uh huh." Dean said tiredly, pushing away from the desk where he had been sitting, busy with research for their new gig, thankfully well outside of Texas and nowhere near Armain. "Sam, those nightmares… We can't, you can't do this again. This was not your fault!"
"Don't," Sam stopped him, "Just… don't, okay?"
"Sam,"
"I'm serious, Dean. Stay out of this one, okay?" Sam snapped. Dean gave him a long look.
"Yeah, alright." He said placidly, though it was obvious he didn't mean it.
"So, d'you find anything?" Sam asked, scrubbing his face. Dean stared at him for a moment before closing the laptop.
"Yes, this coffee should be exorcised. Man, decaf is better than this stuff." He said, getting up and stretching. "Anyway, I can't keep my eyes open any longer." He added. "I have no idea why this guy's sticking around. I've been checking him out for the past five hours, and so far his life was so boring I'd think he'd shoot himself just to spice things up a little." He said with a slight grin, but the glare Sam shot his way made it pretty clear he didn't think it was funny. "Yeah, alright. Anyway, I'm turning in."
"You found out where he was buried though, right?" Sam asked, getting out of bed.
"Yes." Dean said simply, changing into sweats before getting in his own bed. "Sam, this is a salt and burn. There's nothing else there. Go to sleep." He said.
"I will." Sam lied.
"Anytime tonight?" Dean questioned and Sam glared at him. "Alright…" Dean relented, trying to give Sam the time and space he needed to cope with everything he'd been through. Dean sure did want to figure out exactly what had happened back in the warehouse. Sam still couldn't remember a thing from after he had left his motel room and until he woke up in that warehouse.
"Sam, come on, wake up." Sam startled awake, a cry escaping his lips. He blinked a couple of times until his eyes focused on Dean, crouching next to him. "Hey, it's okay. It was just a nightmare, Sammy." Dean said softly, looking up at his baby brother.
"The hell do you know?" Sam snapped, scowling, and got up from the desk where he had apparently fallen asleep. He stalked into the bathroom, locking himself inside.
He just needed some time, some space, why couldn't Dean get that? He was sick of this, all of this. He was tired of getting hurt, of seeing the people he loved and cared for getting hurt, getting killed. And it was his fault. No matter what Dean said, it was his fault. Mom was dead because of him. Jess, Lynn… their deaths are on his head. He had almost lost Dean because of that Demon and its plans for him. And Sam just couldn't take it anymore.
Other people, normal people, they don't have to deal with this. They don't know, they have no idea what it feels like to be on the Reaper's shortlist their entire lives. They don't know what it's like to live in fear that every day could be the day they lose their family, for good. They don't know what it feels like to be responsible for destroying your family.
Sam sank to the floor, his back against the door. He can't take it anymore. He doesn't want to. And that's when he decided. He won't take it anymore. He won't put anyone else's life at risk anymore. If the Demon wants him, let it come and get him. But he can't have any more people dying because of him. He won't.
His mind made up, he braced himself, getting up. Dean will probably not take it too well, but Sam didn't care. He'd seen Dean die – literally die. If they had gotten to that hospital just five minutes later, he would have lost his brother for good. Dean would have died, because of him. Sam couldn't risk it happening again. And it was time he did something about that.
"You're what?" Dean asked after a long moment of awkward silence.
"I'm leaving." Sam repeated resolutely. "I'm going back to school."
"Now?" Dean smiled a little panicked smile. "But we still have work to do." he tried.
"You said it yourself, Dean. There'll always be work to do, there'll always be something to hunt. But I'm done. I'm out. I can't do this anymore. I won't." Sam said firmly. Dean stared at him in disbelief for a moment.
"But… What about the Demon?" he asked eventually, his voice a little raspy, "I thought you wanted revenge," he said, "I thought you wanted to kill the sonofabitch that killed Mom. That killed Jess!"
"I do!" Sam cried, "I did!" his voice cracked, "Dean, I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't… I can't stand it anymore. Lynn, dying like that… It shouldn't have happened! I should have been able to stop it!" he said angrily.
"Sam, it wasn't your fault! You didn't kill her!"
"Yes, I did!" Sam yelled, and Dean visibly flinched. "She's dead because of me, Dean! If she never would have met me, she'd still be alive, and you know it!"
"Sam…"
"No!" Sam raised his hand, stopped Dean from saying anything more. "No, I stopped. I left this life. I stopped hunting, and I left! And you know what? Nothing bad happened! It was quiet and normal and no one died!" Sam yelled.
"Sam, just because you didn't see anyone die doesn't mean no one died!"
"No," Sam shook his head. "I stopped hunting, and bad things stopped happening." Sam said in a shaky voice, blinking the wetness in his eyes away. "And then you come out of nowhere, you break into my apartment, and you drag me with you to Jericho, you drag me back into this world, and what happens? Huh?" Sam accused, "Jessica died!" he yelled. Dean paled. He blinked, but said nothing. "If I'd stayed, if I hadn't gone with you, if I didn't go back to hunting, she'd still be alive!"
"You don't know that!" Dean interfered. Sam shook his head, a mirthless smile on his lips.
"Jess died because I started hunting again." He said in a small voice. "And Lynn…"
"Sam, that's just ridiculous, and you know it!" Dean cried. "Look, I understand things are messed up right now. I get that you're feeling guilty, and that it sucks being you and all, but you need to get it in your thick skull that this is not your fault! You didn't ask the Demon to come! You didn't say 'hey, that's my girlfriend, wanna barbeque her?' No, you tried to protect her…"
"No, I didn't." Sam stopped him. "I left her, just like I left Lynn. I knew it was coming for her and I left!"
"Yes, you left! And took care of an evil spirit and saved who knows how many people's lives because of it!" Dean countered.
"I don't care!" Sam yelled. "You don't get it! You never get it!" Dean opened his mouth to say something, but the words didn't come out. He gave a slight nod.
"Then explain it to me." He said in a small, strangled voice. Sam let out a short laugh, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.
"God, Dean… Explain it to you? Are you serious?" Dean didn't answer, and Sam went on, "How can I possibly explain it to you?" he demanded. "I had a good life, a normal life, for once! I was doing so well, Dean. I had friends, real friends. I was doing great at school, hell, I was going to get married! Married! Do you get that?" Sam yelled. "And then you show up, out of nowhere, and everything goes to hell! The minute I get pulled back into… this," he tossed his hands in the air, "into this life, everything goes to hell!"
"Sam, don't you think you're a little overreacting here? I mean, yes, we probably don't have the kind of life people fantasize over, but…"
"Fantasize over? Are you serious?" Sam burst, "This is worse than most people's nightmares, Dean! Do you get that? Normal people's nightmares are better than this!" Sam turned away from his brother, running his hands through his hair and crossing then behind his head. He shook his head. "I'm done." He said, "I can't do this anymore. I won't. I don't want to live like this, Dean, I never have. I want to go back to California. I want to forget this… all of this ever happened."
Dean was quiet for a couple of moments before he finally gave a slight nod. "Okay," he said, "We'll get this job done and then…"
"No!" Sam cut him off again. "We won't get this job done! Haven't you been listening to anything I've been saying? God, you're just like dad! You won't listen to anyone unless they're saying what you want to hear!" Sam yelled. "You want to go after this Demon? You go ahead! Just leave me out of it!" he cried, "I don't want to hunt anymore! I want my life back! I want out! Now!" he yelled. He didn't notice the raw emotion on Dean's face before it went completely blank, rigid. Dean bit his lip, looking away.
"Pack your stuff." Dean said gruffly, turning away from the younger hunter, going over to his own duffle.
"Dean, I'm not going on another hunt!" Sam said assertively.
"Yeah, I heard you." Dean said simply, his voice thick. "Go pack your shit, I'll drive you to Stanford." He said, "Or would you rather take the bus again?" Dean asked. For the slightest of moments, something about Dean screamed at Sam to take it all back, to change his mind, to stay here with Dean, but whatever it was, it was gone just as quickly as it appeared.
Both brothers packed their few belongings in silence and got in the car. It was nearly five in the morning. The sun hadn't come up yet. It was quiet all around, almost serene, but the silence in the car was anything but peaceful. It was tensed, charged.
Their longest conversations in the following three days consisted of takeout orders and motel check-ins. They were already in Palo Alto, near minutes from the campus when Sam realized Dean has never been this quite for this long before. Ever. There was something wrong. He turned to look at his older brother and say something, but Dean beat him to it.
"So you got a place to stay here?" he asked, not looking at Sam.
"I guess. I'm going to stay in the dorms, I think. And if there're no rooms available, I guess I could crash at Zack's for a while." Sam said, and Dean gave a slight nod.
"You got money?" he asked. Sam nodded.
"Some." He said, "I'll get a job." He added a moment later. "So, Dean…"
"You need help with your stuff?" Dean asked, and Sam noticed he just pulled the car over. Sam stared at the older hunter. This was the most conversation they had in days. That's not what he wanted, that's not what he meant when he said he wanted out. This wasn't going to be like the last time, they were going to keep in touch. Dean knew that, right? "Sam? You need help with your stuff?" Dean asked again.
"No." Sam answered. It wasn't like he had too many things to begin with.
"Fine." Dean said flatly. Sam opened the car door, stepping out, only to realize Dean wasn't following suit. He stopped, looking back at Dean.
"You know, we, um, we could keep in touch." He said, "I'll call you." Sam said, but Dean still kept his eyes straight ahead, not looking at his younger brother. He clenched his jaw, saying nothing. "And… You can call me, if you want." Sam added, "It's just… I can't live like that anymore…" he tried to explain, but Dean stopped him.
"Yes, fine, Sam. I got that the first dozen times you said that." He said curtly. "Now, you gonna go, or are you going to miss another semester getting out of the car?" he snapped. Sam frowned.
"Aren't you coming with me?" he asked. Dean kept his eyes straight ahead, popping the trunk open. Well, there was one upside to getting a new car – he didn't have to leave the car to open the trunk. Sam smiled bitterly and went to take his things from the back. As soon as he closed the trunk, Dean was off, driving away. He didn't even give Sam the chance to say goodbye.
Sam stared after the car in disbelief long after it was gone, but then just shook his head, shouldering his duffle and backpack, as he made his way to the administration office in the campus. He had called ahead, but there were plenty of arrangements to take care of; re-enrolling, getting a place to stay, finding a job, catching up on some reading… There was still time before the semester started, but Sam was eager to start his new life.
Dean never turned the engine off. He waited for Sam to get out of the car, for him to take his things, and then he drove away. This time, it was his turn to leave without goodbye, to leave on his own terms.
He told himself that it didn't matter, life will go on with or without his brother by his side. It wasn't like Dean didn't know it was coming, Sam has been kind enough to constantly remind him he had no intention of staying. Hell, just a couple of weeks ago Sam had walked out on him while he was asleep. Just like dad did. Worse. They had argued, they had agreed to do something, something Sam didn't want to do, so he up and left. No goodbye, no note, not even a phone call. Just left, while Dean had been asleep, no less. While Dean had no chance to argue, or even to change his own mind and tag along with Sam.
They don't need you. Not like you need them.
Sam never wanted to stay with him, he has made that clear from the start. The past couple of years weren't spent together for Dean's sake. It was never for his sake. Sam was staying with him because he needed Dean to help him get to the Demon that killed his girlfriend, because he needed a car and some money, and Dean had them, or knew how to get them.
And then you show up, out of nowhere, and everything goes to hell! The minute I get pulled back into… this! Into this life, everything goes to hell!
Sam blamed him. He blamed him for Jess's death. He hated him.
God, you're just like dad! You won't listen to anyone unless they're saying what you want to hear!
Maybe that was true. But can't he ever get what he wants? Is it so horrible to want something for himself? Dad does, he wants revenge. He doesn't care about anything else. He doesn't care about his family. He doesn't care if the hunt will destroy them. He doesn't care that it already has. And Sam does, too. He wants normal. He wants to leave and never look back. Like he did before. He would have stayed gone if it weren't for Dean dragging him back.
Normal people's nightmares are better than this. I want to go back to California. I want to forget this… all of this ever happened.
No one cared about their broken, dysfunctional family, no one but him. Dad has never really been a Dad. He has never been there when Dean really needed him. Not once. No matter how hard Dean had tried, he was never good enough.
Even when they fight, it's more concern then he's ever shown you…
Sam has always been John's favorite. It was always about protecting Sam, never about protecting Dean. Dean didn't matter, not to his dad, anyway. And not to Sam. Hell, Dean was practically invisible to the both of them. He never forgot that time he went out for air and was attacked and taken by a Rawhead. They didn't even come looking for him. They didn't care. No one really did. Not even Cassie. The only person he'd ever allowed himself to love, the only person he'd ever allowed himself to see a future with.
Dean, you told me that story—and it scared the hell outta me. I thought you were nuts. Dangerous, even. Actually, maybe I was looking for a reason to walk away…
Everyone always knew Sam was the one going places. He always had the grades and the big plans and all these expectations out of life. It didn't matter to anyone the only reason Sam could get the grades he did, could have the time to make all those big plans, was because of Dean. Sam always wanted the big house with the picket fence and the cars, and the wife and kids. He had always wanted normal. And there was a time Dean had wanted that, too. More than anything. He had the grades, he had gotten into college. But he stayed, to make sure his family was taken care of. He stayed because they needed him. They always knew Dean was never going places.
Dean, we are a family. I'd do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before… I don't want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you're gonna have to let me go my own way.
Sam had no problem leaving, though, time and time again. He had no problem staying gone. He probably never would have invited Dean to his wedding, either. He didn't even tell Dean that he was thinking about getting married. No, Dean had to find out from a demon, no less. And why would Sam tell him, invite him, anyway? He still blames him for Jess's death, probably has all along. And besides, Dean's a freak, and Sam only likes normal. He always has. Sam never came back because of Dean.
You and me. We're all that's left. So, if we're gonna see this through, we're gonna do it together…
What a load of crap that was. Dean bit his lip, his eyes on the road. He was driving aimlessly for hours now. He had nowhere to go. Jim was gone, Caleb was gone. He had no one left. Not one person that would care about him. Yeah, and that was worth Marshal Hall's and Layla's lives… He thought bitterly to himself. A great bargain, their lives for his.
Why are you still even here? You got what you wanted! Why do you deserve to live more than my daughter?
He doesn't. Roy had made a mistake. He should have healed Layla instead. She was much more deserving than he was. That way he wouldn't have to live knowing he was responsible for her death. For marshal hall's death. That way he'd die thinking Sam cared about him, that he was really trying his best to help Dean just for the sake of helping Dean… What a joke.
What if this whole thing was over tonight? Man, I'd sleep for a month. Go back to school—be a person again…
So what, just because he didn't go to college, just because he didn't live a nine to five life, did that mean he wasn't a person? For a moment, Dean considering tossing his cell phone out the window. But what's the point of that? He needed a phone, and buying a new one with a fake credit card isn't all that easy. He will change the number, though. They didn't need him? Fine. They could do without him. They've used him enough. He had left them before, he should have just stayed gone. He should never have come back.
But there's got to be somethin' that you want for yourself…
There used to be. There used to be so many things he wanted. He couldn't even remember most of them now. He did want to go to college, he used to want more than this, too. But he was stupid enough to believe his family mattered more. That they needed him, wanted him to stay. Sam was right, he was an idiot. He never should have come back. He never should have left all his dreams in that runaway shelter, he should have followed them through. Maybe if he had, he'd have a family now. Maybe he'd matter.
Dean looked at John's journal, laying on the passenger seat. There were a few newspaper clippings there, a few hunts he thought about checking out. And there was still that unfinished job they'd left behind. He might as well go back, finish it on his own. This was his life after all.
Saving people, hunting things… The family business. Making sure others don't have to go through the same hell he's been living the past twenty four years. And besides, killing as many sons of bitches as he could find always helps to cheer him up.
TBC
A/N: Don't be too mad with Sammy, he is under demonic influence, after all. Only the epilogue left now… Please review!