A/N: I spoke to Booth and he wishes to apologize for the way he's been acting. I told him that I wasn't planning on posting before Saturday morning but he said it couldn't wait that long. After much begging, I finallyagreed to post hisapology. He hopes that his explaination will be enough to make you all forgive him.

I know I was rude to her this morning and I feel terrible right now. I really hope she doesn't think that I don't love anymore. God, it's actually quite the opposite of that. There are no words that can describe how much I love her and how much she means to me. Unfortunaely, there are also no words that can describe how much I'm hurting at the moment. I have this nagging pain that seems to have sign a year-long lease with my heart. It has settled there and doesn't seem to want to leave. It squeezed every ounce of happiness I had in me. My chest now hurts from the pain I'm feeling and I have trouble breathing. Breathing has now become a chore. If she only knew all of that. If only she knew why I'm suddenly like this. But I just can't tell her. Not right now, anyway.

I know she's hurt the way I've been acting but I just can't help it. The nagging pain frustrates me. I feel like it's all I can feel lately. It annoys me and frustrates because I don't like the person I've become because of it. It seems like all I can do is snap at the people I love the most in the entire world. I'm pushing my wife away from me. We're drifting apart and it's all because of me. That thought definetely doesn't make me feel better. To her, I've become heartless. She thinks that I don't care but I do.

It doesn't show but I am worried about Riley. There's this african disease called Febril going around the city and I'm afraid my daughter has caught it. How in the world, I don't know, but somehow she did. Nobody yet has survived this illness and I'm afraid, if it turns out that Riley has in fact caught it, that my daughter is going to die. I don't want her to die. My daughter is my life and I don't know what I would do without her. Sometimes, I feel like Riley is the glue that holds us all together as a family. Maybe it's because she almost died at her birth. Maybe that's why I see her the way I do today. If she had died, we wouldn't have been a complete family. There would have been one person missing. She was sick five years ago and here she is sick again. She survived back then but I'm not sure if she's going to make it this time. I'm scared.

I'm panicking right now even though there is a big chance that Riley hasn't caught Febril. Yet, I'm still freaking out. It's because of the Pain, I know, but as much as I try to tell myself that I'm worried probably for no reason, I just can't calm down. To quote my wife, I'm being irrational and I know it. I just can't help it.

There are so many things I wish I could tell my wife but I just don't know how to put it into words. I've never been good with them anyway. As a child, I was told to take things like a man; meaning, I wasn't aloud to cry openly and I had to deal with my problems and solve them on my own. Today that's playing a trick on me because I just can't keep things to myself anymore. Too many things have happened to me: my time in the army, the people I have killed, the gambling, Parker. All of that made who I am today and that person just can't keep things to himself anymore.

I have a therapist but it's just not enough. I need my wife. I need her support. I need to know she still loves me and that, no matter what happens, she'll be by my side and supporting me quietly. I don't need her to tell me what to do. I just want her unconditonnal support. Just that can make a big difference.

She doesn't know what's been going on in my life in the past months and I'm afraid that, if I tell her, she'll kill me. Or worst... that she'll lose all the respect she had for me. What I've done is simply horrible and I know it. I try my best to fight my urges but, sometimes, I just can't. They get the better of it. Just like last week. I succumbed to them once again. Each time, I feel guilty. Each time, I'm afraid to go home and face her. I know I'll have to tell her someday. It's not fair to her but I just can't bring myself to be honest with her just yet.

The real victim in all of this is Lukas. He doesn't say it but I know he thinks it's his fault his mother and I are fighting. If only he knew... If only I could find a way to show him that it's not his fault. It pains me to think that he might feel responsible for all of this. Never will my little boy, my pal, be the problem in our couple. I'm the problem. I'm a problem that I just don't know how to solve.

We were planning on having another babyt but I think that project went down the drain. We tried for... three months. Three nice months, no doubt, but nothing happened. It's made me feel useless. How could I be a good husband if I couldn't even give the woman I love another baby?

Work is the only place where I feel competent and needed. I feel like I am somebody there. I'm almost sure that Cullen will choose me to be his successor. Who else could it be? I'm currently his assistant. I hire new agents, I arrange training courses. The other agents come see me when they have a problem now. Not Cullen. Me.

With my new position, though, comes a whole new type of stress. I have to deal with all sorts of problems and there are so many of them that I don't even have time to deal with my own. Maybe I need a vacation away from all of this. Maybe that's what I need. But I can't afford one right now. Riley is sick. She needs both parents by her side.

Tomorrow is Friday. I can't stay home with Riley because I have yet another important meeting; this time, with my therapist. It's time I start being honest with him. I've been lying to him lately too. Man, I hadn't realized how many people I have been lying to. It's unbelievable. I think it's time I start being honest. Maybe that will help.

I'll start with Temperance. God, just saying her name like this makes my heart beat faster. I'm beginning to wonder why I haven't called her that in a while. I just love the sound of her name. Temperance. Yes, she deserves to be the first one. Tonight, I'll tell her that I love her. I can't even remember the last time I told her. She acts all tough and independent but I know that she needs to be told that I love her. But it's the furthest I can go with her for now. Someday, I'll tell her the whole truth. Just not tonight.

I'll also talk to Lukas. He needs to feel reassured, he needs to know that whatever is going on between his mother and I is not his fault.

Monday, I'll offer to stay home with Rye so Tempe can go to work. I know how much she misses it and, again, I feel guilty because I haven't been available for her. She's right. I wasn't very helpful.

Yes. I'll start being honest. Maybe by being honest, I'll finally be able to get ride of that pain that's been consuming me for the past four months. Maybe, by being honest, my problems will seem less difficult to solve. Maybe... just maybe.