Shadow's of a dark dream
By Natta
Summary: Post IMALL. After recovering from flash, Beka notices she might have lost her friends' confidence and her world turns dark. Deals with depression as well as other dark themes.
Beka woke up again with a throbbing headache and reluctantly opened her eyes. Trance was standing with her back against Beka, obviously working on something.
"Trance?" The purple girl jumped and turned around, a nervous smile on her face.
"Yeah, are you ok?" She approached Beka carefully, never stopping to smile and sat down on her bed.
"Well, I guess that you weren't as recovered as we thought you were," Trance said and stroked her hair. "I mean that you still suffer from the withdrawal." She rose again and went back to whatever she had been doing.
"Trance?" She turned around. "Does this mean I have to stay here?" She smiled nervously again.
"You should, it's better for you if you do." She turned around again.
"Tell me what is going on," Beka said, "I'm not made of glass you know." Trance pretended she didn't hear.
"Yes Beka," she said very quietly so she wouldn't hear, "we all are sometimes."
****
Beka had been awake for a while, maybe two hours and then fallen asleep again, probably more from boredom than tiredness. Trance had walked away to Hydroponics to see to her plants, and med bay was quiet. Suddenly the doors opened and Harper came in. He looked around him and saw Beka on the bed. He walked up to her, watching her as she slept.
"God Beka," he said quietly, "what a mess, huh?" She just kept sleeping peacefully and Harper felt a lump in his throat. He loved her so much, she had saved him from Earth, being there for him although she didn't have to. She was the first who had really cared for him, been nice to him. And now...he couldn't help it but he felt differently about her now. When she had been on flash, she had been so different, not like the Beka he knew. She had said horrible things that had hurt him, even if he knew it was the flash talking. And how would he know she wouldn't do it again? He still loved her, and didn't want their friendship ruined but it seemed like they were drifting apart and he hated the thought of it being his fault too. Surely, she had been the one taking the flash and saying all those things, but maybe he should be more forgiving. Try to forget it. But he couldn't. Every time he saw her it just kept coming back in his mind.
[I/]"...so help me I will throw you back on the trash heap where I found you."[I]
It wasn't that he thought she'd actually do it. He knew she wouldn't. But yet, just threatening to. She had been the one sitting with him through those nights with nightmares, hardly sleeping at all because she wanted him to feel safe, hugging him, being the first person ever to care about him. He felt a tear running down his cheek when he noticed himself straying off the subject just to contemplate how much he loved her.
The point was, she knew what a hell his life had been there. And yet she said it. And yes, he knew it was the flash. He knew she didn't mean it.
But she had said it.
Harper turned and left the room, not looking back as tears found their way down his cheeks. He didn't dry them away.
Beka woke up just the moment the doors had closed behind him. She felt the still lingering smell in the air that she knew to be Harper. "He was here," she thought. She rose from the bed and exited the room.
"Harper!" she called as she saw him walking away from her. The engineer turned around with a nervous smile.
"Hi Beka. Um...did Trance let you out already?" he said, trying to act surprised. Beka's heart sank. So he hadn't been there after all. She had had the little hope that he would have been visiting her. But so he hadn't.
"Well, no," Beka said, wriggling her hands. "She's not there now." An awkward silence filled the corridor until Harper nodded toward med bay.
"Maybe you should go back then?" Beka couldn't understand his sudden eagerness to get her to rest, first when he told her to go to bed the night before and now this. Or rather, she could understand. He wanted to get rid of her. She decided to test him.
"Come on, let's go do something fun instead. Last time I checked, you were the one never staying in bed while recovering." Harper's eyes flicked and he managed a nervous smile.
"Actually I have some stuff that needs to be done. I'll catch up with you later okay?" Beka just nodded and then stared after him as he quickly walked away.
She still didn't feel like going back to med bay even though she knew Trance would have a fit when she was gone. (Well, as much of a fit as the calm girl could possibly get) She walked to the Maru instead and slumped down in the pilot's chair. Normally just sitting here made her fall asleep, it was such a safe place for her, but right now she had slept way too much and her mind was filled with Harper. And not only Harper, but also Trance and Dylan. Dylan avoided her and tried to keep her off duty. Trance just seemed a bit nervous around her but she was always nice. Tyr and Rev had been like normal, actually Tyr had been pretty tender and nicer than usual. Rev, well he was always nice. A wayist forgives everything. But...Harper, Trance and Dylan. Even Rommie had been strange, not talking to her since the incident.
They really hated her now, didn't they?
And this was when a thought, a thought of desperation and despair begun to form in her mind. It involved the blue little razor that lay in her make-up box.
But she still wasn't completely sure.
By Natta
Summary: Post IMALL. After recovering from flash, Beka notices she might have lost her friends' confidence and her world turns dark. Deals with depression as well as other dark themes.
Beka woke up again with a throbbing headache and reluctantly opened her eyes. Trance was standing with her back against Beka, obviously working on something.
"Trance?" The purple girl jumped and turned around, a nervous smile on her face.
"Yeah, are you ok?" She approached Beka carefully, never stopping to smile and sat down on her bed.
"Well, I guess that you weren't as recovered as we thought you were," Trance said and stroked her hair. "I mean that you still suffer from the withdrawal." She rose again and went back to whatever she had been doing.
"Trance?" She turned around. "Does this mean I have to stay here?" She smiled nervously again.
"You should, it's better for you if you do." She turned around again.
"Tell me what is going on," Beka said, "I'm not made of glass you know." Trance pretended she didn't hear.
"Yes Beka," she said very quietly so she wouldn't hear, "we all are sometimes."
****
Beka had been awake for a while, maybe two hours and then fallen asleep again, probably more from boredom than tiredness. Trance had walked away to Hydroponics to see to her plants, and med bay was quiet. Suddenly the doors opened and Harper came in. He looked around him and saw Beka on the bed. He walked up to her, watching her as she slept.
"God Beka," he said quietly, "what a mess, huh?" She just kept sleeping peacefully and Harper felt a lump in his throat. He loved her so much, she had saved him from Earth, being there for him although she didn't have to. She was the first who had really cared for him, been nice to him. And now...he couldn't help it but he felt differently about her now. When she had been on flash, she had been so different, not like the Beka he knew. She had said horrible things that had hurt him, even if he knew it was the flash talking. And how would he know she wouldn't do it again? He still loved her, and didn't want their friendship ruined but it seemed like they were drifting apart and he hated the thought of it being his fault too. Surely, she had been the one taking the flash and saying all those things, but maybe he should be more forgiving. Try to forget it. But he couldn't. Every time he saw her it just kept coming back in his mind.
[I/]"...so help me I will throw you back on the trash heap where I found you."[I]
It wasn't that he thought she'd actually do it. He knew she wouldn't. But yet, just threatening to. She had been the one sitting with him through those nights with nightmares, hardly sleeping at all because she wanted him to feel safe, hugging him, being the first person ever to care about him. He felt a tear running down his cheek when he noticed himself straying off the subject just to contemplate how much he loved her.
The point was, she knew what a hell his life had been there. And yet she said it. And yes, he knew it was the flash. He knew she didn't mean it.
But she had said it.
Harper turned and left the room, not looking back as tears found their way down his cheeks. He didn't dry them away.
Beka woke up just the moment the doors had closed behind him. She felt the still lingering smell in the air that she knew to be Harper. "He was here," she thought. She rose from the bed and exited the room.
"Harper!" she called as she saw him walking away from her. The engineer turned around with a nervous smile.
"Hi Beka. Um...did Trance let you out already?" he said, trying to act surprised. Beka's heart sank. So he hadn't been there after all. She had had the little hope that he would have been visiting her. But so he hadn't.
"Well, no," Beka said, wriggling her hands. "She's not there now." An awkward silence filled the corridor until Harper nodded toward med bay.
"Maybe you should go back then?" Beka couldn't understand his sudden eagerness to get her to rest, first when he told her to go to bed the night before and now this. Or rather, she could understand. He wanted to get rid of her. She decided to test him.
"Come on, let's go do something fun instead. Last time I checked, you were the one never staying in bed while recovering." Harper's eyes flicked and he managed a nervous smile.
"Actually I have some stuff that needs to be done. I'll catch up with you later okay?" Beka just nodded and then stared after him as he quickly walked away.
She still didn't feel like going back to med bay even though she knew Trance would have a fit when she was gone. (Well, as much of a fit as the calm girl could possibly get) She walked to the Maru instead and slumped down in the pilot's chair. Normally just sitting here made her fall asleep, it was such a safe place for her, but right now she had slept way too much and her mind was filled with Harper. And not only Harper, but also Trance and Dylan. Dylan avoided her and tried to keep her off duty. Trance just seemed a bit nervous around her but she was always nice. Tyr and Rev had been like normal, actually Tyr had been pretty tender and nicer than usual. Rev, well he was always nice. A wayist forgives everything. But...Harper, Trance and Dylan. Even Rommie had been strange, not talking to her since the incident.
They really hated her now, didn't they?
And this was when a thought, a thought of desperation and despair begun to form in her mind. It involved the blue little razor that lay in her make-up box.
But she still wasn't completely sure.